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Mishelle's Blog



I fee like a bad friend

Posted by Mishelle, 28 October 2016 · 313 views

Aurora's prison bae has finally gotten out of prison and everything I said would happen happened.

 

Apparently his name is Trey, I literally have been calling him prisonbae for the past 3 years and I still don't really care what his name is. I've been trying to get her to cut things off with him ever since she started this mess of a relationship with him (while he was in prison) because he just sounds like trash. He seemed to me like the type of guy who was just leading her on because he knew he would need a place to stay when he got out of prison. He was released 3 weeks ago and Aurora took off of work to drive 10 hours to Northern California to pick him up and bring him back home. I knew he would try to move in with her because he doesn't have anywhere to go. His sister's dad got a restraining order put on him so he can't live with his mom because of it. She assumed he would eventually move into a halfway house and told me that she would give him a week to find a new place to stay.

 

Lmao I knew that was a lie. I basically completely fell back. When she texted me about him I just kind of ignored her because if you're already complaining 2 days in this clearly isn't working out. I've been warning you for three years, what more is there to say?

 

Fast forward to 3 weeks later. She's texting me with pictures of her crying saying that she's done with him because he made her cry. He hasn't found a job, he hasn't even had an interview. He turned down applying for Jamba Juice because he felt that job was beneath him (bitch,,,) and he told her he wanted to do construction because that's "men's work". I'm assuming by "construction" he means the guys who stand in front of Home Depot and wait for a job. Meanwhile, Aurora is paying for everything. Letting him stay in her home. Buying all of their food, Basically she's sugar mama. And I told her not to fucking be sugar mama.

 

Like if he really loved you he'd want to do better and finally do something for you for a change. You've been putting money on his books, driving a damn near day to go see him, and jumping through hoops for him but what has he done for you? NADA.

 

So now she's crying in my imessage and shit talking about how she's getting drunk tonight and I'm just so not even remotely moved.

 

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I'm not gonna say I told you so, but god damn it bitch I told you so. He was an insecure, unintelligent vagabond and I'm glad he's finally gone. He had nothing going for him. He had no job, no money, and no home training. Good riddance. I'm trying so hard to be supportive but I really just want her to be over it already. I was over it 3 years ago.




I'm not angry, I'm tired.

Posted by Mishelle, 19 September 2016 · 275 views

My great grandfather served in the US Navy before the military was integrated. Back then the only jobs Black men were allowed to have in the military were to be cooks or janitors. He was a cook. When he left the military he didn't get the GI Bill. He didn't get the home loan subsidies that white veterans received that allowed them to buy homes for very cheap and accumulate generations of wealth. Instead he worked in construction and was able to earn enough to buy a home in LA.

 

My grandmother grew up in rural Nebraska. Her grandmother was a white woman and her grandfather was a black man. Back then that type of relationship was quite illegal so she never got to know her grandmother because her grandmother gave birth to my great grandmother and left her because she couldn't be seen with a biracial child. Needless to say my great grandmother grew up with some hang ups about race.

 

My grandparents, great grandparents, and parents have told me about their lives and the role that their race has played in how they navigate this country. My grandfather told me about being drafted to Vietnam even though legally he could not vote. My grandma told me about having to call public pools before showing up to make sure they were integrated. My grandparents told me about how the city I grew up in used to be a mostly White neighborhood until more people who looked like them started moving in and all of the White people decided to move out. How after they left the cities were no longer thought about. The infrastructure crumbled. The schools became underfunded and right before their very eyes the homes in the "nice neighborhoods" that they worked so hard to move into became the ghettos that my parents struggled to grow up in.

 

Our families tell us these stories not to only let us know about our history that we never seem to learn in schools, but to also prepare us for the inevitable bullshit that's to come our way. Most kids hopefully get the sex talk before or when they reach puberty. Well we Black kids get two talks. Before we get the sex talk we have to get the race talk. The race talk is the talk your parents have with you to let you know that before they send you out into this world that you have to be aware that you are Black. That you may experience prejudice and discrimination because of that fact. I got my first talk when I was 5. That is why I laugh from a healthy place when white people lament "constantly being bombarded with race" when I have been dealing with it for a smooth 2 decades now at 25 years old. Or when they blame Obama for "making race relationshions worse than ever before" when my great grandmother was literally abandoned for being half Black.

 

The problem is that privileged people think these concepts and conversations surrounding race are new when in actuality we have spent our whole lives unpacking them. The only difference is that now we're able to be heard. Before the Internet our neighborhoods were separated, we were rarely portrayed in the media outside of racial stereotypes, and millions of people were able to grow up with minimal contact with Black people. And that wasn't an accident. The funny thing is that the Internet wasn't always this way. I first started surfing the web when I was 9 years old. I remember back then feeling compelled to either not mention my race at all or even just pretend to be white because I constantly had to deal with racism on the Internet. I'd watch them have conversations about how Black people were stupid, lazy and dangerous knowing that these people have probably never met a Black person in their lives. And when I finally decided to speak up and they found out I was Black they'd tell me "Oh you're different. I had no idea you were Black because you type in complete sentences and 'u don't t3pye lyk dis.'" I didn't know at the time that the word to explain this phenomenon was called white supremacy. Where the closer you are looking and acting like a white person, the better they treat you because you're not like "the other ones." But I knew it didn't feel like a compliment to me that they were trying to play it off as.

 

It's really confusing to grow up being told by your Black family that you act white because you speak in complete sentences and listen to rock music. But then you go out in the world and you're still treated like shit because you're Black. Putting aside the fact that rock n roll was invented by Black people, it still bugs me to to this day that music is racialized. It's the dumbest thing I still have to deal with today. "Oh you like Metallica, I thought you'd listen to 2 Chainz or something like that" (actual thing that was said to me, btw). So I wasn't really considered "Black enough" by my immediate family. But at school when I was called "Shaniqua" because my name was ~too hard to pronounce~, or I was told "you're pretty for a Black girl" I was definitely Black enough for them to constantly remind me that I'm Black. It really fucks you up after a while. But lucky for me I had a mom and a dad who constantly supported my interests. They would listen to rock music with me. They'd defend me to my bitch ass family members who tried to call me white when I clearly wasn't. Some kids don't get that, and it's sad.

 

I guess the point I'm trying to get at is that I'm trying to explain why when topics of race come up I literally have no patience left. I've seen a lot of low key white supremacist thinking on this site and it physically drains me. And when I say "white supremacy" I don't mean you wear hoods and burn crosses. I'm talking about the fact that a significant portion of you have grown up with slim to minimal contact with Black people. A lot of you have grown up internalizing the images you see of us in the media. A lot of you have spent most of your time internalizing your family's thoughts about us rather than the actualitiy of our lived experiences told through our actual stories from our own mouths.

 

I know what you're probably thinking right now. "Is Mishelle calling me a racist? Wtf, I thought we were friends!"

 

No. Get over yourself. I'm pointing out a system of living that has been intentionally developed in many western countries to keep us separate and unequal that we have had to grow up in and navigate. If this system has even affected Black people, it's pretty damn arrogant of you to think that you're completely unaffected by it and you don't see race and ~we're all people~. #JustlikeMLKwanted

 

You think I don't want to just be a person? I would love to just be a person. I'd love to not be told that the only reason I graduated college was because of affirmative action despite the fact that affirmative action doesn't exist in any college in this entire damn state. (And the gag is that affirmative action has disproportionately benefitted more white women than any other group covered by affirmative action #StayMadAbby) I would love to not be followed around stores. I'd love to not be pulled over by cops when I'm in the car with a young black man (or even worse TWO young Black men). I'd love to not be stared at when I enter a mostly white space. I'd love for people to stop touching my goddamn motherfucking hair.

 

I'm dead ass serious. I'd pay actual cash for it, who do I write the check to to get the "Stop Fucking Touching Mishelle's Hair" coalition going?

 

I'm constantly told that Black people just want to victimize ourselves in order to make white people feel guilty. Literally why? I get no tangible benefit from white people feeling guilty. I can't pay my bills with white guilt. My cat can't play with it. Can I cook with it? Is white guilt the new coconut oil? Why the fuck am I supposed to care about white guilt? I don't want guilt.

 

Or I'm told that we just want free stuff and everything to be handed to us. All I wanna know is where the fuck can I get free stuff for being Black? I need to know for research. The same thing happens to native Americans. They're told that they don't deserve basic respect because they apparently all get free government money when in actuality they're sitting on their shitty reservations like "bitch whereeeee??" I know they're not talking about welfare because first of all, everyone can get that shit, not just Black people. Second of all, anyone who has ever been on welfare or food stamps can tell you that you're not exactly ballin like Kanye when you get $200 a week for rent and bills.

 

The issue that I have is that I'm constantly finding myself having to explain our basic humanity to people. Like this is really up for discussion. And I'm constantly having the same conversations over and over again because privileged people seem to think their experiences with race are individual rather than a collective, systemic, societal issue. Like if I bring up cultural appropriation to a white person they think I'm telling them "you can't wear dreads because you're white, Becky. You might as well go kill yourself now." When that's not even remotely what's being said. No one is going to hold Kylie Jenner down and rip the cornrows from her scalp. What people are saying is "Hey, you're trying to make our culture trendy fashion for yourselves when it's not even socially acceptable on us. Can you maybe hold off a bit and use your privilege to help us stop being prejudged and profiled for wearing our own shit?"

 

All you have to do is hit up Google and you'll find a myriad of stories solidifying the fact that something as simple as our hair growing out of our scalps isn't seen as acceptable on us. Miss DC was told that she shouldn't wear her natural hair to the Miss America pageant. Black women are being sent to HR or passed over for jobs period for wearing their hair in natural styles or head wraps. Kids are being sent home from school because their natural Afros, braids or locs are seen as "unkempt" or "distracting." When Zendaya wore locs it was said that she looked like she smelled like weed. When Kylie Jenner wore them they were BOLD AND FIERCE. There are so many articles, think pieces, and YouTube videos explaining the difference between cultural appropriation, appreciation and assimilation. My good sis Google is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to explain everything you need to know. And yet every 2 weeks we have to continue to have this conversation. It's tiring.

 

But being tired definitely isn't going to stop me from calling out ignorance. I'll just have more of an attitude every damn time I have to do it. I'm sure all the parents here can agree with me that having to repeat yourself can get quite irritating the more times you have to do it. Well after repeating myself for a smooth decade, I give negative fucks about my tone or coming off as "angry."

 

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Please be aware that I'm not trying to say that if you're not Black you're not allowed to have an opinion about race. But just like discussions about ANYTHING it helps to be educated about the subject you're discussing. A lot of people think that race is something you can just have an opinion on, and everyone's opinion is valid. It's not when you are coming from a place of privilege based on your race. That's like me walking into a conversation about dick cleaning and claiming to be an expert. I have no idea how you're supposed to clean a dick. I just know they exist and hope you do it if you have one. Sociology exists as a subject of study for a reason. Because this is something that you actually need to research and educate yourself on. No one is born knowing the intricacies of racial hierarchy, anti-racism, and institutional anti-Blackness. I had to drop a couple stacks to learn this in college because they sure as hell didn't bring it up in high school. According to my school Martin Luther King singlehandedly ended racism before he got shot for some odd reason.

 

So yeah I'm sorry this blog was long as fuck. I know it must have a billion spelling and grammatical errors because I woke up in the middle of the night at 3 am and decided to write it. It is now 5:30. I'll proof read it later. Thanks for reading if you actually got this far.




The last turn up of the summer

Posted by Mishelle, 31 July 2016 · 291 views

When I agreed to go out this past weekend I honestly had no idea what I was getting myself into but it included Willie and alcohol so I should've known eventually there would be drama.

 

Willie introduced me to his friend Dominic years ago when we all went to Six Flags together. Since then we hadn't hung out but we kept in touch on Facebook and became pretty good friends. Dominic's dad rented out a condo in Coronado this summer so since he's been in the San Diego area we've been going out and partying it up on the weekends. This was the last weekend he was going to be in town before he had to go back to LA so he asked me to spend the weekend with him and his family at the condo. I've never been to Coronado before in my life so of course I said yes.

 

Friday started off fine. I started drinking before I left the house and then by the time I got to the place Dominic had a handle of gin. We drank gin and mountain dew while we waited for Willie and Anthony to get off work. Anthony said that he would meet us in Coronado by 10:30 but that came and went. Willie didn't get off work until 12:30 so we decided to just say fuck it, go down to San Diego and wait for them there. Dominic takes me to this daddy bar named Pecs. A daddy bar is basically a bar mostly frequented by older gays 40+ so it really shocked me when I ran into one of my regular customers from my job there. Whoops.

 

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The cool thing about Pecs (and most gay bars in general) is that the drinks are cheap and they pour heavy. Me and Dominic had 2 drinks at Pecs and by the time Willie and Anthony got there around 1am me and Dominic were drunk as fuck. Anthony and Willie need to catch up to my level so while we're at the bar this middle eastern guy comes up to me and starts telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves my hair. He stars rubbing all on my back and I'm just like "are you trying to give me a massage or something?" and he's all "yeah I'll give you a massage and he massaged my back for like 5 minutes and then bought me and the crew shots. I was confused as hell, but who says no to free shots? So of course by 2am it's last call and me and Dominic are WASTED. Anthony and Willie went home and me and Dominic took an uber back to Coronado.

 

Dominic's drunk ass leaves his phone in the uber and doesn't realize until after the car drives off. We're frantically calling his phone hoping someone picks up. Then he logged into find my iphone and saw that the uber was already back on the mainland. Finally the guy realizes that Dominic left his phone and called my phone telling me that he was going to bring the phone back but he has a customer that he hast to drop off first. This guy goes from San Diego, to La Jolla, back down to San Diego. Like I understand that he's trying to make money but Dominic is having terrible anxiety because he's drunk as hell thinking he's never going to get his phone back. He wouldn't even let us go back to the condo and wait there. We had to sit outside for 2 hours and wait for the uber driver to finally bring his phone back. At least the weather was nice because we were right by the beach.

 

So we didn't get back to the condo until 4 am, but I don't know what it is about alcohol where you still wake up like 4 hours later like "ok where da party at?" We woke up around 9:30 and went to Starbucks. Then we played Pokemon go up and down the street. There were so many good pokemon in Coronado. I had no idea how Dominic doesn't have a garados since there are magikarps every damn where. Before I got to Coronado I only had 2 margikarp candies. By the time I left after just a weekend I had 30+. There's an island in the middle of the street where there are 4 pokestops and at least 40 people are always sitting there on the island playing pokemon because there are always lures on all the the pokestops. It's a lot of fun except since we're in the middle of the street annoying people think they're being super clever when they drive down the street screaming "POKEMONNNNNNN!" Finally one kid got fed up and he was like "No! This is bible study!" Then we went back to the apartment to charge our phones and we played neopets while our phones charged. (Yes Dominic plays neopets).

 

Willie didn't get off of work until 4 so me and Dominic went to the beach. I wanted to go in the water but he said that because of the weather a lot of stingrays were coming up to shore and the day before at least 5 people got stung by stingrays. I've seen the kind of damage sting rays can do so we decided to safely stay at the pool area right next to the beach. We were there for a couple hours and everything was fine until all of a sudden I started feeling like shit. I've noticed lately my hangovers have been delayed or something. Like I'll wake up feeling fine going about my day, but once the afternoon hits my stomach feels like shit, I'm tired and disoriented. So we go back to rest and shower because Willie is texting us and telling us to come back to San Diego. We're trying to convince him to just take an uber up to Coronado. We still have a handle of gin and we wanted to go drink at the beach or go back to the Pokemon Island and get drunk there. Willie keeps making up all these excuses why he doesn't want to come and that we should go see him.

 

We're just like fine lets go. Dominic asks Willie to show us some bars since it's his last day in the city and I usually just go to the same 3 bars in Hillcrest so I'm not that helpful. First we end up back at Pecs where Willie and Dominic start drinking a lot of alcohol fast. I'm not really drinking because my stomach still feels kind of weird. Dominic bought me a gin and ginger and I guess the ginger helped because after 2 of those my stomach ache went away. Willie said he didn't want to be here at Pecs anymore and he wanted to go to another bar. Dominic wanted to go to a bar named Redwing which is like a gay/hipster bar but Willie didn't want to go because that's where his ex boyfriend works. He said he was down to go but only after he knew his ex had left. Willie decides to take us to another bar that's like a bar/arcade. We go and check it out but the place is absolutely packed. There are people everywhere, there's no where to sit, all of the arcade games are taken. It's just really loud and crowded. I go to use the bathroom and I'm not even in there for 3 minutes before people are like pounding on the door. Holy shit, can a bitch change her tampon in peace? Calm your tits, bitches. It's not my fault the owners decided to put a single stall bathroom in a fucking bar. So I'm already just annoyed and I don't really want to be there. Dominic doesn't want to be there either because it's a straight bar and he prefers gay bars. So Dominic asks if we can leave and go somewhere else. Willie tells us there's a bar in North Park by his house and it's a leather daddy/kink bar. He tells us about it can get super crazy there because they have places to put people in cages, strap them to crosses and there's also a place where they lay down mats and piss on each other. It sounds like hot mess but it's a gay bar so it's not like anyone's going to try to piss on me.

 

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We walk into the bar where Dominic and Willie order drinks but I didn't get one because I was still kind of worried about my stomach situation. The drinks were poured light as hell and they were more expensive than at Pecs. Willie starts showing us their hanky system where you have to wear certain colored hankies to represent what you're into and wear them on your right side if you're a dom and left side if you're a sub. I'm looking at this list scandalized as hell, but I'm still not really impressed by the bar because it's damn near empty except for a few old dudes hanging out in the corner. Dominic isn't feeling it either because it annoyed him that they pour light and the drink were more expensive. Dominic asked if we could go somewhere else. Willie says he doesn't want to spend any more money on ubers and all of the bars in North Park are straight/hipster bars. Dominic says he doesn't really feel comfortable at straight bars. I said I don't really care for straight bars either, the only thing good about them is that I can usually get a free drink at a straight bar. Dominic says according to last night I can get free drinks at a gay bar too, and no one ever buys him free drinks. Willie just decides to interject himself into our conversation arguing that Dominic always talks about how he has all this money but he's complaining about free drinks. Dominic says he wasn't complaining about free drinks he was complaining about the shitty expensive drinks. He said he doesn't mind paying for his own drinks but he'd rather go to a bar where the drinks are cheap and strong than expensive and weak, that's just common sense. Willie starts rolling his eyes and talking about how he's from this area and these are the bars he goes to but Dominic only wants to go to Pecs because that's what he's comfortable with and starts dragging Dominic because he always want to be in his comfort zone. I'm sitting here not sure if it's because I'm too sober or what but I have no idea what this argument seems to be about or where it came from.
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All I see is Willie getting bitchy with Dominic and rolling his eyes. Dominic says he wants Willie to stop rolling his eyes at him because he's getting pissed and he wants to leave. Willie rolls his eyes again like purposely exaggerated and goes off about how Dominic just wants to stay at Pecs all day when Dominic keeps saying he doesn't care where we go as long as it's a gay bar because he wants to go to gay bars. He says he's only comfortable at straight bars when he's already drunk. Willie rolls his eyes again and finally Dominic gets up and walks out. I get up and chase Dominic (because my stuff is still at his house) and I'm trying to figure out what just happened. I tried to get him to come back but he didn't want to come back. I told him fine let's just go to Hillcrest and go to Gossip Grill. It's a lesbian bar where the drinks are cheap and I'm friends with the bartenders and they pour heavy as fuck.

 

On the way there Willie is like blowing up my phone talking shit about Dominic and saying that he wasn't wrong and he doesn't know why Dominic is acting this way. I tell him I don't really know what the argument is about but they were both being aggressive. When I say that he starts going after me accusing me of taking his side and just blowing up my phone with his ranting and raving. I tell him I'm not taking his side I'm staying neutral because I high key still have no fucking idea where that argument even came from. Then Willie goes on about how he's getting to old for this, he's almost 30 and this is immature and beneath him. I'm trying to joke with him and say "aw look at you all growed up" and then he starts getting mad at me accusing me of patronizing him when I'm just trying to joke around and lighten the mood. Finally I realize that all he wants to hear from me is that he's right and Dominic is wrong and if I say anything else he's just going to keep getting mad at me. So I just put him on Do Not Disturb and stop answering his text messages. We're at Gossip Grill and I'm ready to get turnt up. I guess WIllie gets the hint that I'm not going to respond to him anymore and he starts blowing Dominic up basically telling Dominic everything he told me and insisting that Dominic was wrong and he was right (about what, what was this argument even about?).

 

Dominic doesn't even read them lol and Willie is still going off and sending him tons of text messages even though Dominic clearly isn't going to respond to him. Then his friend Bri hits him up and tells us to go down to this bar in University Heights called Parks and Rec. It's a really nice bar and it was a straight bar but Dominic and I already got drunk as fuck at Gossip Grill. We hang out there and watch the white people dance then Dominic wants to leave because he's hungry. We go back to Coronado and order a pizza and while we're there Dominic's sister and her friends are there. They're 13 years old so they're just inherently annoying. They ask SO MANY QUESTIONS ALL THE TIME. Then they decide they want to wash their stuffed animals because they're leaving and going home tomorrow and I legit had to show these girls how to work the washing machine and the dryer because they don't know how to turn the knob and press a power button. Then this girl tries to debate me about how Donald Trump is a better option than Hillary Clinton and I know she's just repeating what her dad tells her so I'm just like "yeah girl whatever you say."

 

I'm not gonna sit here and argue with a child who can't even vote for at least half a decade. Aint nobody got time for that.

 

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When I was out I kept getting missed called from Edward so I decided to be nice and call him back. He starts telling me about how he just got kicked out of a bar in PB and he was on his way home. He's trying to get me to come over to his place and he says if I come he'll pay for my uber to come there and he'll pay for my uber to go home. When I came to Coronado I didn't really have a plan to get back home so I'm just like fuck it, might as well just go and have a guaranteed ride home than deal with a hangover and confusion tomorrow.

 

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Plus those girls were still annoying the absolute goddamn hell out of me. I tell Edward I'm not going to have sex with him and does he still want me to come over knowing that. He says yeah so I go. I get there at like 2:30 and I should really have gone to bed because I've gotten a combined 5 hours of sleep in the past 2 days. But nope I'm drunk and just deciding to keep making terrible decisions. I ended up drinking on the floor and laying with the dog Hunter. I was trying to get Edward to agree that if he ever dies that I can have his dog because Hunter is just so amazing and I love him.

 

I don't remember when I fell asleep but I know it was really late. And yet I still ended up waking up around 10 to check my text messages and catch up with all the ranting and raving Willie was doing. I didn't even respond to them I just sent him a picture of Edward naked next to me in bed and tagged it with #DrunkenMistakes. I ended up going home around 3 and I ate some fruit and then went straight back to sleep. When I woke up my stomach was in shambles but I was way too tired to get up and cook anything. I managed to take a shower and then get back into bed. Then I was like ok gurl you really need to eat something worthwhile or you're gonna get sick, so I shuffle to the kitchen and there's a pizza waiting for me, with stuffed crust!

 

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I decide to finally seriously text Willie about the situation and he's still convinced that he's right and that Dominic is wrong. Then he's complaining about how they just didn't talk for a year and just became friends again for this to happen. I ask him if he cares more about being right or saving their friendship since clearly he wants to be friend again. I don't get a response. I ask Dominic what happened and he said Willie kept texting him saying the same thing he said last night until he ended up blocking willie on everything again. I personally think it's sad that he goes on about how he's so mature now because most of his friends are 50+ year old gay men and yet he can't even swallow his pride to at least apologize to clear the air since he claims to still want to be friends. But like I said, I'm Switzerland so I just keep telling him that him that he has to choose what matters more to him (even though he clearly prioritizes being right over their friendship). I hope they manage to work it out but all I'm focused on right now is not dying..




When Social Justice ATTACKS #WhatWouldHueyDo

Posted by Mishelle, 10 May 2016 · 363 views

It will never cease to amaze me when I watch a Black person go in on racism and structural white supremacy but then turn right back around and spew some homophobic bullshit, or some sexist fuckery.

 

I'm loosely affiliated with the San Diego Black Lives Matter chapter. I don't go to the majority of their meetings because most of their meetings are held during the work week. Guess who works during the week, this bitch, but I do try to make it to the events that have on weekends that I'm available. My friend Catherine is way more involved that I am and has put in so much work into this organization despite the fact that she is not Black. She goes to all the meetings, she shows up at all of the rallies, and she helps admin the BLMSD Facebook page, etc.

 

This woman named Desiree, who has also been deeply involved with BLMSD because of her own experiences with her son almost being choked to death by SDPD, posted on the page that "She supports LGBT Black folks because of their Black skin but ~does not agree with their lifestyle~".

 

BLMSD is actively involved with the Black LGBT Coalition and a lot of them expressed discomfort with that kind of post coming from a page admin. Many LGBT people stated that they didn't feel comfortable continuing to fight alongside people who clearly don't see them as equals. That is why Desiree, along with some others who felt the same way she did, were removed from the page.

 

Well, Desiree lost her shit. She started a new group stating that BLMSD has a ~hidden agenda~ and that she will NEVER support homosexuality because she is a GOD FEARING CHRISTIAN WOMAN. She created a group called "Black Lives Matter IN San Diego"
and tried to convince people to leave the official BLMSD group and join her group because she felt that the majority of BLM supporters were just as homophobic as she was.

 

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What really gets me is the fact that the entire national BLM movement was started by three queer Black women, and they constantly speak out about how their work has been co-opted by homophobic cishetero Black people. Hell, even the woman who created BLMSD is a queer Black woman! So how are you going to state that there's an "agenda at play" when the women who literally put in the work to start this movement just want people like themselves represented in it? It doesn't make any sense!

 

Catherine linked Desiree to the core values listed on the Black Lives Matter page and showed her that this movement is not only pro-Black but it is also queer affirming and trans affirming. Being affirmative doesn't mean you can sit there and "tolerate" folks different from you while secretly judging them. It means you have to accept the myriad of different intersectionally oppressed Black folks or this movement just isn't for you. Catherine was completely shut down and told that she has no right to critique Desiree or call her out because Catherine isn't Black. She's Latina. I personally think it's bullshit because Catherine was only saying exactly what the founders of the fucking movement have said themselves multiple times. But that's not gonna convince this bitch, so I decided to step up to the plate and drag her myself because at least she can't say what I'm saying isn't valid because I'm not Black.

 

So I told Catherine that I would try to talk to Desiree and get her to understand that she's exercising her privilege as a straight person when she claims "not to agree with their lifestyle" when no one fucking asked her how she feels about their sexuality.

 

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I didn't even cuss her out, even though I really wanted to. I simply told her that you cannot use the Black Lives Matter name if you are not queer affirmative and trans affirmative as explicitly stated in the core values. I told her that you can't be expected to fight for the equality of ALL marginalized Black people if you do not accept ALL marginalized Black people. I told her that she should change the name of her page because she's hurting our movement by perpetuating homophobia under the guise of Christian dogma. I also stated that if you do not see ALL Black people as equals despite their sexuality, gender identity, etc, that you will never be trusted to truly fight for their equality. That's just not how this whole thing works.

 

Desiree went straight for my scalp. She basically told me that Black Lives Matter was a movement created in response to the murder of Trayvon Martin and that ALL Black people are allowed to participate in this movement. And she talked about how she's put in so much work for this organization and she doesn't even know who I am. She then proceeded to post a bunch of pictures of her at BLM events saying "where you been?" "I haven't seen you" "where you been?"

 

Well, she's right. I'm not as involved as she is. Most of their events are during the week and I work full time during the week. Most of the events are also held in San Diego proper, where I do not live. I live in North San Diego County 30+ minutes away. If I do want to go to an event I would have to get a ride and most of my friends with cars also work during the week.

 

But then it hit me that I don't have to explain anything to this bargain bin bitch. How is she going to tell me that the movement is for ALL Black people while perpetuating homophobia against Black people and claiming that my opinion on her homophobia is "invalid" because I'm not as involved as she is?

 

So I told her exactly where I've been. I've been AT WORK ALL FUCKING DAY and yet I took time out of my shitty day (when I could be relaxing smoking a blunt) to try to explain to her watermelon head ass how to be more inclusive in the movement that she claims to want to succeed. What I do, or don't do, doesn't change the FACT that her words have turned people off of the grassroots movement where we need more diversity beyond cishetero ~GAWD FEARIN CHRISTIANS~ like herself. I said that she can't claim that Black Lives Matter when she clearly doesn't believe that ALL Black Lives Matter. Then I linked her to a myriad of articles detailing the queer identities of the women who founded the movement, the about us page for the movement, and the core values of the movement so she can see that without a doubt if she doesn't like gay people that this movement isn't for her.

 

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She doesn't respond to ANYTHING I said. She continues to go on about how she's put in so much work with this movement and that's it's being co-opted for the ~gay agenda~ and that she has every right to band together like minded Black people because she believes that the majority of members feel the exact same way that she does. It just blows my fucking mind because this movement is so closely involved with Black queer folks. The originators of the movement are Black queer folks. The creator of the San Diego chapter is a Black queer person. The person who lead the entire march that I attended was a Black queer woman. So how can you marginalize the WOMEN WHO BIRTHED THIS SHIT????!!!!!!!

 

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That's when I decided to get petty.I told her that this is exactly why she was kicked out of the group, and why she's mad about it. She thinks that all of her work has absolved her of any critique, and she's using her work to derail the conversation and gaslight people into not holding her accountable for her actions. Again, I copied word for word the trans affirmative and queer affirmative core values from the webpage and told her if she cant manage that maybe she should start a new page called Hetero Black Lives Matter or something like that.

 

And that's when I got blocked from the page. Apparently she did eventually change the name and messaged the founder of BLMSD stating that she changed the name and it's all "love peace and chicken grease"...whatever the hell that means. There's going to be a BLMSD meeting this Sunday to discuss all the drama that's gone down. I hope she shows up too so I can be like

 

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LEMONADE: The Review

Posted by Mishelle, 28 April 2016 · 1,029 views

Ok so before I get into this review I want to be totally honest with y'all because I feel we have a really close relationship and I don't like lying to the people I love.

 

I'm friends with Aurora again. Kind of, but not really. I ignored her for about a week and she kept messaging me as if nothing happened. Like she messaged me some shit about a book club, and then she messaged me some other shit. First I thought she finally went off the deep end so I texted her "so I'm assuming you aren't hormonal anymore?" and she's all "no, I'm assuming you are?" and then she was like asking me what I was mad about and telling me to let her know so we can talk it out. So I basically explained everything in the last blog about how she doesn't like willie but has the nerve to get angry when I don't ask her to hang with me and Willie when she told me she doesn't want to hang out with us. She said she had no idea that she pissed me off that much but that's what sucks about me, I'm a terrible communicator when I don't want to be. When I get really angry I get into this mode where I either drag or I shut down and shut out completely. At that moment I chose to shut down. She told me she apologizes and never meant to make me angry and she also told me the next time I do that just to drag her so at least she'll know what's wrong. So the next time she pulls some shit with me I'm dragging her for filth now that I've got the ok. We don't really talk as much or hang out as much as we used to though. Mostly because I've been going out with my other friends and like I've said, she doesn't like to exist in public.

 

ANTYWAY...

 

Onto the greatest album of 2016, Beyonce's visual album LEMONADE.

 

Me rn:
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The Beyhive has been buzzing about this album coming out since late march but no one knew it if actually existed, what was on it, or when it was released. There was a bullshit set list going around saying she was going to release the album April 1st but of course that was an April Fools joke. When I saw the preview for LEMONADE on HBO I flipped the fuck out. We didn't know if this was another single like Formation, an album, a movie, a documentary or anything. The best case scenario that we came up with was that if was a music video and that Beyonce was going to air the music video and then drop the album. I was so excited that she dropped this album because

 

1. I'm still pressed that I paid $150 to see the Mrs. Carter Tour and she dropped her self titled album like a week and a half after I saw her live so I didn't get to see ANY of her new music performed live. (I still got my life tho)
2. IT'S BEYONCE I'M EXCITED BY ANYTHING THE QUEEN DOES. It can be an hour and five minutes of her breathing heavily while eating a macho burrito and I would still demand a Grammy nomination for Album of the Year.

 

The album opens with Bey in her head wrap and her robe singing on stage. Even though she's dressed like she's ready for bed we know she's about to take us on an epic journey and slay our entire lives. I should have wrapped my hair too, maybe I'd have some edges left. But I didn't and now I'm bald.

 

The first song is PRAY YOU CATCH ME which is basically a song about how she has an intuition that her man is up to some snake ass shit. She's just sitting there wishing a nigga would slip up and she catches him cheating. She doesn't know if he's doing anything for sure yet, but she just feels it in her soul that something isn't right. She's just waiting for shit to pop off. The video has so many homages to Black culture from the head wrap, to the 19th century fashion, to the hoodie (RIP Trayvon) that we just know this is about to be a Black ass experience.

 

Then you see Beyonce and she's standing on top of the building and she's about to jump. I was literally screaming "BEY DON'T DO IT I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO WATCH YOU DO THIS OVER SEAN FUCKING CARTER OF ALL PEOPLE! DON'T KILL YOURSELF OVER A CAMEL, BEY!!!!!!"

 

But she jumps anyway into the busy street and lands into an ocean. She's downing in her own thoughts and insecurities. During the poetry segment she tells a poem about how maybe she just needs to be a better woman for him. If he's wandering she should try to be better than all of them so he won't feel the need to look for anything in any other woman. But at the end of the day after all she went through she still couldn't help but wonder if he was cheating. And he was, because he's a punk ass bitch.

 

Then the album moves into Hold Up where she knows for sure that he's cheating but for the life of her can't figure out why. "Why are you treating me like this when you know that I'm the only one who loves you this fucking much?" Like why the fuck would you settle for day old Taco Bell when you have fresh carne asada fries right in front of your goddamn face? IDGI Sean, explain yourself.

 

"What's worst? Being jealous or crazy, jealous or crazy?
Or like, being walked all over lately? Walked all over lately I'D RATHER BE CRAZY!"

 

I'm sitting there thinking of course Bey would sing the lyric that captures my entire fucking life perfectly.

 

In this part of the visual album she's dressed as Oshun, the orisha of femininity and love, and she's fucking shit up. We finally find out that Hot Sauce is actually the name of her bat (bet Hillary didn't see that shit coming) and she's using this bat to tear up the whole damn city. My favorite part is when the guy is popping wheelies in his t-shirt that reads "In memory of when I gave a fuck" and then Bey gets in her monster truck and drives over every damn car in the city. She makes it very clear she's fed up and ready to burn this motherfucker down to the ground.

 

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Then the album moves into my favorite song on the entire album DON'T HURT YOURSELF where she basically says if you love that bitch so much I'll kill her and wear her skin. I'll dismember that hoe piece by piece and make her a part of me to become your perfect girl.

 

Lightskins are crazy.

 

The scene switches to the parking lot where Bey has her cornrows in her head, her fur across her shoulders and her ankh around her neck looking fly as hell. And that's she asks the million dollar question:

 

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM?!?

 

She's fucking BEYONCE, Sean! The queen of the goddamn world! The girl you've been rapping about on all of your albums for 10 fucking years now. You know you're never going to do better, so why even bother with these lesser bitches? She's the one who helped make you what you are today since you were fucking irrelevant and in your 3rd round of "retirement" before she came along and UPGRADED U. She's beautiful, talented, rich and loves you to death and you really think you're going to sit there and cheat on the best thing that's ever fucking happened to you and get away with it? Really, Sean Carter?

 

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WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK SHE IS?????????
SHE SMELLS THAT FRAGRANCE ON YOUR LOUIE V BOY!
SO GIVE HER FAT ASS A BIG KISS BOY!
TONIGHT SHE'S FUCKING UP ALL YOUR SHIT BOY!

 

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This is basically her ultimatum. Either you get your shit together or she's leaving your ass and you can watch it bounce to the next dick that will most likely be bigger and richer than yours. It should've been "if you try this shit again you gon lose your life" because we all know Solange is gonna beat that ass and put him in the grave if he tries that shit again.

 

Then we have an interlude called Apathy where she recites one of my favorite poems on the visual album.

 

"So what are you gonna say at my funeral, now that you've killed me?
Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head.
Here lies the mother of my children, both living and dead.
Rest in peace, my true love, who I took for granted.
Most bomb p*ssy who, because of me, sleep evaded.
Her god listening.
Her heaven will be a love without betrayal.
Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks."

 

Then we progress into Sorry where she takes Princess Blue Ivy Carter and gets the fuck out of Dodge. If Jay needs a shoulder to cry on he can call Becky with tha good hair because Beyonce doesn't have time for that shit. In the video she switches places with Serena Williams which gave me my entire life. When first watched it I thought Serena was Beyonce until I realized it wasn't but she can twerk just like her.

 

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MIDDLE FINGERS UP
TELL THAT BOY BYE
BOY BYE
BOY BYE
MIDDLE FINGERS UP
I AINT THINKIN BOUT YOU

 

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The story progresses to 6 INCH where she's a boss ass bitch on her own and don't need no goddamn man. This is an ode to all the ladies on their hustle making their money and doing the damn thing.

 

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I have no idea what the point of this video is. If there was an American Horror Story: Beyonce this would be the intro because it's creepy as hell (but still flawless). From what I've read there's a lot of imagery pertaining to wombs, blood and menstruation.

 

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The song ends with Beyonce singing "come back" because even though she's doing her own shit, making her money, and living her life she still misses her man and wants his sorry ass back.

 

There is an interlude which is a tribute to all Black women of the past and in the future. It features cameos from Quvenzhané Wallis and Leah Chase. The poem symbolizes how these relationships repeat themselves because it passes from mother to child. If a child grows up seeing her mother beaten and cheated on she will end up marrying a man who will do the same thing and repeat the cycle.

 

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That's when we move into DADDY LESSONS where she reminisces about her dad giving her life advice. Daddy is telling her that in your vulnerable moments fuckboys are going to come and try to take advantage of you. Daddy knows how the game works because daddy is a fuckboy too. Daddy tries to tell her that her man is playing her and she should grab a rifle and shoot that nigga, but of course Beyonce's stupid ass doesn't take his advice. Instead she takes Jay's sorry ass back and tries to make it work.

 

Queen Tina didn't play that shit. As soon as Matthew had that baby with that side chick she took that ring off. But of course Beyonce just loves her some Jay Z and that's when we move into LOVE DROUGHT.

 

LOVE DROUGHT is basically an ode to their love. She believes their love is something so powerful that she can't let it go. Even though the relationship may be dry as fuck at the moment she believes if they just love each other enough they'll bring El Nino into that bitch and make it rain like Lil Wayne.

 

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And that is when we move into SANDCASTLES where she's basically saying she knows she said she was going to leave but it just didn't work out like that. She made him cry, broke all the dishes, cussed his ass out, but she still wants him back even after all of that. She's willing to make it work as long as he completely submits himself to her and dedicates himself to making this relationship work. Then we move into FORWARD where they try to move forward from this giant shitstorm that is their relationship.

 

That's when we move into FREEDOM which basically gives me all of the Marvin Gaye, James Brown, freedom fighter music vibe. This song is basically an ode to all the Black people fighting for freedom.

 

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I BREAK CHAINS ALL BY MYSELF
WONT LET MY FREEDOM ROT IN HELL
HEY! IMMA KEEP RUNNING CUZ
CAUSE A WINNER DON'T QUIT ON THEMSELVES

 

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She's basically saying that yes she understand that whenever we say #BlackLivesMatter some dusty ass basic bitch is going to pop up out of a garbage can and say #AllLivesMatter. She realizes that every time we point out that the prison industrial complex some Mayo Saxon is going to pop up and ask "but what about Black on Black crime?!?!" We know that white people are going to get ~tired about hearing about race~ because they have the option of leaving the conversation and trying to shut everything down whenever that white fragility kicks in and they feel "attacked" but we're still going to keep fighting for our liberation. We're still going to keep marching, screaming, petitioning, voting, and occasionally fucking shit up until we see the change we deserve.

 

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Then we get back to the story and we wrap it up with ALL NIGHT LONG. Where they've realized how in love that they are and that they want to be togetha 5 eva. This video is basically an ode to all the love out there. It's just a montage of beautiful happy as couples that will either make you tear up from the cuteness or feel lonely as hell.

 

Then the credits come and make sure you watch the credits all the way to the end THEN IT'S TIME TO GET IN FORMATION, BITCHES

 

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YOU MIX THAT NEGRO WITH THAT CREOLE MAKE A TEXAS BAMMA!!!!!!

 

Formation an ode to Beyonce's blackness. Even though in the beginning of her career she did what ALL Black entertainers have to do which is dilute her Blackness to appease a white audience, she's done with that shit. She put in the work, stacked her paper, became a goddamn billionaire and now she's doing whatever the fuck she wants. She tells you point blank that you can't take the country out of her. She carries hot sauce in her bag and will fuck your shit up if she has to. She twirls on her haters and she wants all us flawless Black girls to get in Formation and SLAYYYYYY.

 

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So that's the entire album in a nutshell. I laughed, I cried, I twerked and it was amazing. If you haven't seen the visual album I recommend watching it. The poetry is amazing, the visuals are genius and there's just so much to analyze and deconstruct. Every time I watch it I notice something new. I definitely recommend watching the visual album first and then listening to the audio.

 

It's so upsetting to me that she released this amazing ass album with these flawless ass features (Jack White, James Blunt, & The Weeknd) but all anyone seems to be able to talk about is Becky with the good hair. Fuck Becky and her hair. If I ever find that bitch she's gonna be bald.

 

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#Unfriended

Posted by Mishelle, 09 April 2016 · 465 views

I finally did it. I finally cut Aurora off for good. I just think it's funny how when things build up so much it never ends in a big blow out. It's always something so small, so pointless, but that's just all it takes to make you know for sure you're just fucking done.

 

She basically decided to get an attitude with me because I wanted to go out with friends that weren't her and didn't invite her. But the thing is the friends I'm going out with don't like her, she doesn't like them, so why would you want to go to a place where no one likes each other?

 

She drives for Lyft around San Diego so I asked her how much it would cost for her to give me a ride to San Diego since Ubers usually run around $30. She basically told me she was offended and wasn't driving me because I didn't invite her to wherever I was going. First I was going to go to a birthday party that Laura invited me to but I decided not to go and I was going to hang out with Willie instead. Laura doesn't like her, she doesn't like Laura. So I didn't think she would want to go considering the fact that they don't like each other. I also don't want to have to deal with the fact that I constantly have to coddle her at parties. She's so antisocial, and she's constantly insecure comparing herself to other girls that she ends up getting an attitude and taking it out on me. This has happened multiple times. But I still wanted to hang out with Willie so I offered to pay her just to take me to Willie's place. Willie fucking hates her. She knows Willie hates her and she hates Willie back so I didn't even think she would want to do that. Plus she's told me on multiple occasions that she refuses to hang out with just me and Willie because she feels like the third wheel. All me and Willie do is drink and talk shit about celebrities so idk where this even comes from but I'm literally doing what she told me she wants when I don't invite her to just hang out with me and Willie like she claims she hates doing.

 

But she basically texts me saying she's offended that I'm going and hanging out with friends and not inviting her. Why would I invite you to hang out with people who there is mutual disdain for? It's so fucking uncomfortable, I don't even know why she would want to put herself in that situation. She's basically upset that she can't leech off me socially because she can't keep her own friends. I'm totally down to share my friends and I have invited her to functions multiple times but the problem is my friends don't fucking like her. I can't help it that people don't like you! That's not my problem. Then she gets jealous that I do things without her like it's my fucking job to constantly make sure to include her in my social functions. It's really not. It's not my job to keep you entertained because you can't get any friends or a life of your own. It's not like I just asked her to drive me down to a party for free, I offered to pay her her rate and even give her a tip but now it's going to go to someone else because she decided to get a fucking attitude with me.

 

So I reached out to Lerissa because I decided I wanted to be messy. Aurora told me that I can't be friends with Lerissa and she doesn't like me talking to her because they don't get along. She seriously told me she would judge me and laugh at me if I became friends with her. Aurora burned bridges with Lerissa just like she burned bridges with literally ALL OF HER OTHER FRIENDS. Contrary to everything Aurora told me about Lerissa being some manic depressive drug addict Lerissa was actually really cool and we had a nice conversation. She calmed me down after the argument and offered to hang out. Hell I might even pull a Blac Chyna and marry her just to piss Aurora off. #PettyLife

 

I expected to feel sad because I really place a lot of value in my friendships. I care more about my friendships than I do about any relationship. Like I put way more work and effort and emotion into my friendships because they're important to me. But I don't even feel sad, honestly I feel free. I don't constantly have to walk on eggshells, I don't constantly have to deal with attitude from a person who's supposed to be my friend, and I don't have to continuing to try to make someone happy who clearly never fucking wants to be happy and is hell bent on destroying herself and all of her relationships.




Dating is weird.

Posted by Mishelle, 19 March 2016 · 334 views

I broke up with Edward a week ago but I feel like I just made it official and in actuality he broke up with me without telling me we were broken up. He just randomly stopped calling and texting me. When I would text him he would text back, when I would call him he'd talk to me, but if I didn't contact him I literally didn't hear from him at all. I knew this was deliberate since whenever we hang out his phone is right there. He's always on his fucking phone watching MMA videos on Instagram like the basic bitch he is.

 

I asked him to go see Deadpool with me, but he went to see it without me and that's when I knew this nigga couldn't be trusted. So I basically went off on him about how he never calls me, he never texts me, we never do anything except hang out at one of our houses and go out to eat. He just acts like I'm just being crazy and asking me why I always think something is wrong and why I'm always mad.

 

I'M MAD BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME MAD. I THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG BECAUSE YOUR ACTIONS INDICATE THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG.

 

When we first started dating we texted every day. He used to call me me every day, sometimes more than once a day. To go from that to zero contact is a red flag that something is wrong. I'm not stupid. I have never been in a relationship where we go a whole week without talking. His excuse was "I've been really busy lately" and I know for a fact that's a lie because he's boring as hell. Every time I talk to him he's at his house watching Netflix.

 

What are you busy with, Edward? Orange is the New Black? Fuck outta here.

 

So he acts all exasperated and says "Ok lets hang out tonight" but I had already made plans with Aurora and even tho I'm still contemplating cutting her ass loose every day I'm not a flake. I'm not the type of person to tell someone I'll hang out with them and then ditch them to hang out with someone else. I have friend ethics. So I told him no we can't hang out that night but maybe over the weekend. He says that sounds good and he'll call me.

 

He doesn't call me. I have to call him. Again.

 

And he tells me he can't hang out that weekend because he's going to his sister's birthday party. I don't know why he couldn't call me and let me know that before. If I hadn't called him I know I just wouldn't have heard from him at all. Then the next weekend he told me to call him on Saturday and we were going to hang out but then when Saturday came he wouldn't return any of my calls or texts. That's when I decided I'm over this and I'm going to break this off and find someone else.

 

So I dragged him. I told him how rude he is and how I'm really upset that he wasted my time AGAIN when he could've just told me he didn't want to hang out anymore. I don't understand the point of continuously making plans with me just to blow me off when the time comes unless he's deliberately trying to make me feel like shit about myself. Well you picked the wrong one hunny, cuz if you don't want to treat me right someone else will. I don't have to deal with this, and since he won't man up and end this relationship that he clearly doesn't give a shit about, I will.

 

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And that's when I met Alex. Alex is a political science professor at Riverside College, he's really hot, and he's really English. We both love politics, we're both passionate about activism and social justice, we hate sports, and we both love Kendrick Lamar and Beyonce. He's really straight edge. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke weed, and he's a vegan. I drink a lot, I smoke almost every day and you'll have to pry cheese from my cold dead hands.

 

But we decided to meet up last night and we both had a really good time. I had him meet me and my friend Laura since she was meeting her new boyfriend. I don't know why Laura is always cradle robbing but she got herself a 21 year old boy now. He's really nice though. He's the exact opposite of Brandon. Brandon was boring as hell but this new guy Keanu has so much energy I can't even handle it. He's like a puppy, I get tired just watching him. But Laura is the exact same way so I see why they get along so well.

 

So the best thing about Alex being straight edge is that we had a guaranteed designated driver. So Laura was free to get drunk with me. Laura got white girl wasted but I just got a bit tipsy. I wanted to remain coherent enough to keep my conversation with Alex going. We pretty much talked the whole night which is really hard to do in a loud ass club when you're just getting over the flu. The only time we didn't talk was when Work by Rihanna came on and I had to back it up on him.

 

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There's one thing about Alex because of course there's no such thing as perfection. Alex is polyamorous and he's very open about that fact. I do respect that he's open and honest about it because most guys would just cheat on you. He has a girlfriend in the UK and another girlfriend in Oceanside who has 2 other boyfriends. I don't know shit about polyamory but he made it pretty clear that he's not just out to have casual sex and sleep with a bunch of girls and that he's really interested in pursuing a relationship with me. I told him I'd be open to trying it out because I feel like no matter how this goes we're still going to be really good friends. I don't see the point in passing up a good guy just because he openly admits that he's not monogamous, especially when most non-monogamous guys just lie about it. I don't see myself having 3 boyfriends anytime soon. Not because of a moral objection or anything, mostly because I'm really lazy and I can't even imagine how much effort that would take to keep up.

 

I used to be strictly monogamous but as I've gotten older I've started to question and unpack why I feel that way. I realize we've all been socialized to see monogamy as the ideal. And I also understand why monogamy would be considered an ideal when you factor in kids. But I never plan on getting married, and I'm not 100% sold on kids. It could happen in the future, but if I never had kids it wouldn't bother me so I don't really see why I consider it an ideal when it doesn't really benefit me. But I was totally honest with him about the fact that I'm crazy. I don't ultimately know how I'm going to feel being in a relationship with a guy who has 2 other girlfriends. Maybe I'll lose my shit and fly into a jealous rage, maybe I'll get 10 boyfriends. We can only wait and see. I'll let y'all know how this works out.




I Twirl On My Haters

Posted by Mishelle, 11 February 2016 · 434 views

This is just a stream of consciousness rant so I highly doubt this blog post will make any sense.

 

I hate losing friends but I know when it gets to the point where I'm just exhausted and I don't care it's time to move on. I haven't lost many friends in my life because I like to think of myself as a pretty chill person. I forgive easily, and I don't hold onto grudges if the person genuinely wants to move on. But when it gets to the point where I'm constantly having to put my own feelings aside to deal with your emotions I feel like it's no longer a friendship, it's emotional vampirism.

 

Aurora is an emotional vampire. Ever since I met her she has burned every bridge with every friend she's ever had and as she looses more friends she clings to the few friends she has left. She expects us to cater to her emotions at all times, to constantly deal with her temper tantrums and move on as if nothing happened. She tries to make it seem like she's always the one giving and everyone else is always taking but she doesn't realize that her childish tantrums and emotional manipulation gets really old really fast.

 

I've already made this rant before about how she's always doing stupid things and expecting me to feel sorry for her when it blows up in her face. I'm finally starting to leave it to Jesus and focus on myself. I have a boyfriend and I'm really trying to deal with my own issues with sabotaging all of my relationships. She knows how I am and it started to hit me that she actually encourages me because she wants me to stay single because she's single. If I'm being irrational and I'm mad at Edward about something stupid instead of trying to talk me out of exploding on him she feeds into it. She constantly want details about everything that happened when we fight. If I'm over it and I want to go see him she'll bring it up again and make me feel stupid for trying to work it out with him. Edward works 6 days a week, he's an introvert, and he lives down in San Diego so there's a lot of distance between us and sometimes we'll go a couple days without really being able to talk. This kind of thing makes me insecure even though I know I shouldn't be. She tried to argue with me and call him a fuckboy because one day he took all day to text me back. I was mad about it at first but finally logic hit me that he works 11 hour days and that I need to get it through my queen bee diva head that sometimes he's not going to be able to immediately text me back all the time even though I always respond to him within a couple minutes.

 

I told her that I realized I was being irrational and that I just need to deal with my own insecurities and she's just like "Well he's still a fuckboy." That's when I realized that I just need to stop talking to her about my relationship, period. I don't want to talk to someone who's going to insult my boyfriend. I don't want to talk to someone who's going to constantly point out his flaws when she's never met him and bring up old shit to try to shame me for not staying mad at him. She's the last person to talk about fuckboys when she's still fucking 2 Pump who hasn't spoken to her at all since she told him she could be pregnant. All of my friends seem to be happy for me and my relationship except for her and it really bothers me.

 

And then there's this cruise issue and I realize that I'm causing her an inconvenience but I feel like if you begged me to go on this cruise for you you should just be happy that I'm going and not get mad at me as soon as I don't want to do everything you want to do. We were supposed to be going on a cruise to Ensendada. First she said the cruise was $250, well that $250 turned into damn near $400. But I decided, whatever, an extra $150 won't kill me and I'll come up with the money. Then she tells me about this drinks package where you can get 15 drinks a day. I told her it sounded cool but she never told me how much it cost. Turns out this drinks package costs $172. For 3 days of drinking? Are you insane, sis?

 

Fast forward to the Super Bowl where Beyonce slayed my life, snatched my edges and announced her world tour. My mom, my sister and Willie wanted to go and since I'm the only one out of the 4 with a credit card I had to put the tickets on my Visa. I also wanted to get my hair braided for the cruise because I don't want to have to deal with my hair in the salt water air, that shit is torture. So so far I had to spend $400 on the cruise, $800 on Beyonce tickets and $175 to get my hair braided. I told her I don't want the drinks package because I don't even know for sure if I'm going to want to drink on the cruise. I've been trying to cut back on my alcohol plus I get motion sickness and if I have to take motion sickness pills I won't be able to drink at all anyway. She gets mad at me because the rules of the program is anyone in your room who's 21+ has to get the drinks package or no one in the room can get it. I tell her I'm sorry for the inconvenience but I don't want it. She keeps trying to guilt trip me into this saying she never gets to travel, she never gets to go anywhere, she never gets to have fun and all this bullshit. Girl, how many times have I tried to get you to go out and you said no? How many times have I tried to get you to have fun and you decided to stay home instead? So why are you trying to make me feel guilty about something you constantly do to yourself? I don't feel bad for you, at all. It's my money and if I don't want to spend it on something that's my decision.

 

Then she tries to say she'll pay for my drinks package if I take an online class for her. I already earned my degree, earn yours. I've already written as least 5 papers for her and now she wants me to take an entire class because she's too lazy to do her own school work? I told her that even if I were in the mental space to want to do school work (which I'm not) I would charge her way more than $172 for 3 months commitment of my time. Sis, you're trippin. And I don't even want the fucking drinks package. I don't have to get drunk to have fun. I've been on so many cruises and I've managed to have fun on all of them without having to get wasted every day. Then she tries to say "she'll chip in" because she wants to have fun and doesn't want money to get in the way of her having fun. Well if that's the case then why not just deal with the fact that you can't get drinks package (that is actually a rip off) and pay for your damn drinks? I DON'T WANT IT, I'M NOT BUYING IT. GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

 

I finally detail to her all of the financial obligations I have and how I don't feel comfortable pledging that much money on something I'm not even sure I'll use and that I don't feel guilty at all for her trying to get a fucking drinks plan. I don't care if she's inconvenienced. I don't care that she's frustrated. So she responds with "Oh well do you just want to cancel the whole thing so you'll have more money for Beyonce? You can use the money to get a room while you're there." Clearly she's mad that I'm willing to spend more money on Beyonce than I am to make her happy. Deal with it bitch. Yes I'm more likely to spend money to hang out with my family and best friend at a Beyonce concert than I am to get wasted with you. We get wasted on dry land with your ass all the goddamn time. I only go to Beyonce concerts when she decides to bless us with her presence.

 

I just told her yeah, just let me know if there's a cancellation fee or something and I'll pay it. I'm not even backing out because of the money. I have the money for the trip. I'm backing out because I'm sick of her fucking attitude. I don't want to be around her, I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to be stuck in a room with her. I don't want to be forced to be next to her and I already know that she's going to be up under me the entire trip expecting me to entertain her because she has no idea how to have fun. Plus I've already been to Ensenada three times and have no desire to see that ghetto ass place a fourth time.

 

I'm hoping she takes this as a queue to leave me the fuck alone because if she continues to come for me I'm going to drag her and let her know that this is exactly why she doesn't have any friends. This is why Taylor doesn't talk to her anymore. Kayte doesn't talk to her anymore. Lerissa doesn't talk to her. Brandon doesn't talk to her. Willie doesn't talk to her. John absolutely hates her guts, and now I don't want to talk to her. Because of childish shit like this. I'm too old to deal with it. I'm done.




#AcceptLessBullshit2016

Posted by Mishelle, 15 January 2016 · 389 views

I'm a strong proponent of cussing people out when they've wronged you. This is why my friends always come to me when they want to drag their boyfriends because my specialty is in dragging. I didn't go to school for it, it just comes to me naturally. I just don't feel there's a point in politely explaining how they've treated you like shit for 3 years when you can just snatch their scalps and leave them a crying bloody mess on the floor. Women are always being taught to let guys down easy, or to bring problems to them in a nice way, even if he's made it very clear he doesn't give a fuck about you. Fuck that! if a guy wants to treat you like shit it's your human right to drag them! In fact, it's your duty as a fellow woman.

 

Aurora won't do it. She'll tell me I'm right. She'll curse out loud to herself, and curse him out TO ME but she will constantly try to fucking spare the feelings of this 2 pump asshole WHO CLEARLY NEEDS SOMEONE TO KNOCK HIS SLIM SHADY LOOKING ASS DOWN A PEG OR TWO. It drives me fucking crazy. I have no idea what his real name is because he's so irrelevant. He's either 2 pump, trash box or slim shady to me.

 

It's been 3 years of her being his side piece and that finally came to an end today (hopefully). I'm happy we're finally done and we can close this chapter of our lives (again, hopefully), but the way it ended was just fucking pathetic. It didn't even happen to me and I'm upset.

 

The beginning of the end started when I finally hauled off and cussed her out for continuing to let herself be walked over by this piece of trash for 3 years. She told me about how they tried to hook up and he immediately went soft because he was feeling guilty about cheating on his girlfriend.

 

Really?

 

You've been cheating on her for 3 years and NOW you feel bad? But since I'm a terrible friend, I didn't even give her the sympathy she was looking for. I basically told her that at this point it's her own damn fault for continuing to fuck with him. He's never going to leave his girlfriend, he'll always be a fuckboy, he's not even that cute, he doesn't have any money, and don't ever bring him up to me again. I mean if you're going to be a side chick at least get side chick benefits.

 

"I want diamond earrings or the girlfriend finds out about us TONIGHT. And if you try me with some cubic zircon bullshit I'll send her all your dick pics."

 

But that's why I don't dabble in side chick business. It's a slippery slope to becoming a blackmailer.

 

But anyway, back to the story. I told her to not bring up Bargainbin Eminem to me ever again unless she decides to leave him for good or he dies. Did she listen to me? No. It got to the point where I started blatantly ignoring her. She'd text me about him going limp, again. I ignored her. She tried to bring it up while we're riding somewhere, I put my headphones in. I know I'm your only friend, but I'm still not the one to come to for sympathy. Then last night she sent me this screenshot:

 

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I texted back, "That's disgusting." Then I went to bed.

 

Apparently after I went to bed shit went down. Then said shit continued to go down while she's at my house trying to hang out with me. I wish I had all the screenshots, but I don't, so I'll try to paraphrase everything as best as I can.

 

She texts him this long essay about how she doesn't know what he wants, and she's tired of him playing with her. It's been three years and he needs to figure out if he wants to be with her or not.

 

(Psst. He wants sex. But anyway....)

 

He doesn't respond to her the entire day. He waits until we're hanging out to text her with:

 

"I don't know what you expect me to do. I don't have a lot of free time, and I can't help it that I'm a very sexual person. i'm a man who has needs. Just tell me how to satisfy my needs without disrespecting you or making you mad at me."

 

(Fuckboy To English Translation: What do I gotta do to get you to shut up and let me have sex with you?)

 

It was so disrespectful I got mad!

 

Me: *flailing* HE HAS SOME GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING NERVE. How about his left hand? His right hand? His fucking GIRLFRIEND???! Who the fuck does he think he is?! Does this limp dick bitch really think he's the only person who doesn't have time? Tell him you don't have time for his soft dick, tell him you don't have time for his fuckboy feelings, tell him you don't have time for him period! DRAG HIM AURORA, HERE'S YOUR CHANCE, FINISH HIM!
Her: I can't I'm just too nice.

 

Finally I convince her to send him a little shade tree. She basically says "Umm, you and I both know the answer to that question. The girlfriend you have? The one you went soft on me for because you felt so guilty? And speaking of me, what about my feelings? What about my needs?"

 

He didn't respond, and that's when she broke. Because she's a little bitch.

 

"And the worst part is I still want to be friends with you. Even though you still treat me like shit I still want to hang out with you and I like having conversations with you."

 

Me: Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck him and his friendship because clearly it's conditional. He's wasting your time. He's already wasted 3 years of you life. You can still drag him.
Her: I can't, I'm too nice
Me: FUCK BEING NICE, LET ME DO IT.
Her: No I'm just going to handle this.

 

Him: I treat you like shit?
Her: Yes you do
Him: I don't remember you ever saying no
Her: Just because I don't have any respect for myself doesn't mean you can take advantage of me.
Me to myself: Well at least she's aware......

 

Finally I just let it go because I know she was just going to continue to frustrate the hell out of me. I ignored her while she sighed, hmphed and cursed to herself. I didn't ask what was going on or what he was saying. I stopped giving a shit. If you're not going to give him the verbal ass beating he deserves I'm just going to let you suffer while he continues to gaslight you. I just offered her some water because I figured her mouth must be dry from sighing so much. I know I'm a terrible friend. But it's been 3 years of this shit, fuck both of them at this point.

 

Finally she gets so upset she leaves damn near in tears because he texted her, "Forget it. I'm over it, I don't want you anymore anyway."

 

Me: TELL HIM NO ONE WANTED HIS LIMP DICK IN THE FIRST PLACE OR ELSE YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION!

 

My cousin probably thinks I'm crazy for screaming about limp dicks and trashbags, but whatever.

 

I don't think she told him. I hope eventually someone will tell him. Sometimes I get all in my feelings about being single, but then I hear about shit like this, and I get out of them quickly. I may be single, but at least I don't have to deal with bullshit. If someone does try to put me through bullshit I go straight for the jugular.

 

I used to be over the top with it. My first ex-boyfriend left me for another girl as soon as he got restationed. I dragged him, I dragged her, I turned all our friends against him and I spread his nudes around out of spite which was A REALLY HORRIBLE THING TO DO. I was 19 and I did apologize to him. He accepted my apology since he's pretty proud of his dick anyway. We're still friends. My second ex boyfriend I sold all of the video games I bought him and I got his car towed. I never apologized but he also never apologized for cheating on me so I guess we're even. He's still trying to be my friend but honestly I don't feel that we have anything to talk about. I've cussed out Cody more times than I can count and even now when he texts me I just ask him why he won't go away.

 

(I'm starting to wonder if I attract masochists.....)

 

I feel like compared to the shit I've done in my past, a simple cuss out is nothing. It'll make you feel better, and it'll keep them from contacting you which will make it easier to get over them (if they're not masochists like my exes are). It's a win - win situation tbh.

 

#DragMoreFuckboys




This is exactly why I don't text back

Posted by Mishelle, 02 January 2016 · 544 views

I know I'm getting old because people just physically and emotionally drain me. I'm to the point where even thinking about dealing with people makes me tired.

 

I'm pretty sure my aunt is some kind of masochist. She still has yet to make my cousin get a real job. He does this thing called "Labor Finders" where they call him when they need extra help. When they don't have any work for him he just sits in the house playing video games or on the computer. I think he really feels that that's his job. She still continues to support him and not push him to do better. He's been living with us for 2 years now and he hasn't enrolled in school or anything. He really thinks he's going to be able to mooch off of us for the rest of his life, and honestly he might be able to when it comes to my aunt. She has no fucking backbone. She's even still talking to his father who is an abusive piece of shit. When they were together he controlled her entire life and even tried to light her on fire. He basically did the same thing to his mom that my cousin is doing to my aunt. He stayed in her house his entire life and refused to work. He mooched off of her until she had a stroke and had to sell her house because even though there were 4 other people living in her house but none of them were working.

 

I don't know if I'm crazy or what but if someone tried to light me on fire I would never speak to them again. And he's such a piece of shit about it. He'll call her and if she doesn't pick up he'll continue to call her over and over and over again. And she's too dizzy to turn the damn ringer off. I keep telling her that dealing with him is just like dealing with a child. If you give in to them every time they throw a tantrum they'll keep throwing tantrums because they know that's how to get you to do what they want. But she doesn't listen to me. She doesn't listen to anyone, except for him apparently. Even his own sister hates him. When their mom had a stroke she couldn't drive so she decided to give her car to my aunt. Not even to her brother, to my aunt. And what does my aunt do with the car? SHE GAVE IT TO HIM?

 

Not even her own son, to this motherfucker who tried to set her on fire! I feel like I'm in the fucking twilight zone.

 

So on Christmas night we were on our way back from LA and he keeps calling her asking for some information about the car. She tells him she doesn't have the information for the car. He starts acting like a complete ass to her so she hangs up on him. What does he do? What he always does. He keeps calling and calling and calling. At this point any rational person would take the phone and put it on silent. But not her, she picks up and listens to him while he's talking and tries to reason him off the phone. She keeps trying to tell him she's going to bed knowing that he doesn't give a single solitary fuck about her. He keeps on talking and she listens to him the entire time! He talked her ear off from LA to fucking San Diego. Then finally she hangs up on him again and he starts calling her again. I told her "You know you can block him right, there's a block feature on your phone." She says that there isn't one. I tell her she should download the blocking app then. I used the same app when I had an LG phone that didn't have a block feature. She ignored me and didn't say anything. So when she picked up the phone again I just put my headphones in and let her suffer because I'm not gonna sit here and try to save somebody who doesn't want to be saved.

 

I'm so tired of dealing with low self esteem bitches who put dick before their own well being. That's exactly why I downgraded Aurora from friend to acquaintance. I told her to stop talking to me about 2 pump. Does she stop talking to me about 2 pump? No she still brings him up talking about how he still texts her trying to hook up. One time I was drunk and feeling particularly petty when she decided to bring up that he hit her up AGAIN trying to hook up I just clapped back with "Of course he's going to keep hitting you up, who else is going to fuck him at 4 am for free?" Did it make the rest of the ride home awkward? Yes. Do I care? No. When I said stop talking to me about him I meant that shit. If hurting her feelings gets her to stop then that's just going to be what I have to do.

 

I'm not trying to save these hoes anymore. They don't want to be saved.

 

Speaking of fuckboys I guess the holidays is bringing all the fuckboys into my yard. I genuinely do not have the emotional capacity to deal with their bullshit. This guy I went out with ONE TIME YEARS ago continues to randomly text me hoping that I'll respond. On our second date he kept grabbing me trying to kiss me and I kept telling him to stop. He wouldn't stop so I got up and I went home. Never spoke to him again after that but he keeps trying to get me to talk to him. If I haven't responded to you in months I'm not going to respond ever. He even texted me to tell me that it was his birthday.
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Finally I got tired of ignoring him and blocked him. #ThanksSteveJobs #YouTheRealMVP

 

And Cody decided to message me and hit me with the "I miss you"
Well you can miss this block button, fuck you. Trump supporting ass fuckboy.

 

And my friend WHO'S MARRIED AND HAS A CHILD. Decided that he wanted to get a divorce and drunkenly declare his love for me on whatapp. I'm not even going to explain what happened I'm just going to post the messages, because I can't.

 

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WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEN? Seriously, what's wrong with y'all?








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