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I know comedians like to joke around about the difference between partying with white people and partying with black people, but it's the god honest truth. Every time I party with white people shit goes down. I'm going to start from the beginning of my weekend because it was all just a mess.
I wanted to have a Game of Thrones marathon at my house, every time we say we're going to do it at Willie's house it never happens because Willie gets drunk and obnoxious and starts complaining about how he doesn't want to watch Game of Thrones. Plus Willie has a room mate named Alex who has a boyfriend named Josh. Josh has been over in Afghanistan for like 6 months and is on his way back home. That entire six months Alex has been fucking every Marine in the tri-city area, including 2 of the neighbors. I don't want to be around when that shit hits the fan. I invited Brandon and Freya along since we were all at work that day and we were drinking and having fun. I put on Game of Thrones and guess what happens. Willie is drunk and complains about how he doesn't want to watch Game of Thrones.
Instead we get Freya high for the first time. Brandon taught her how to smoke from a pipe and we passed it around for a bit. First she complains that she doesn't feel anything and that this weed is bullshit. She told us how she took two E pills once and didn't feel anything so this probably isn't going to effect her. Next thing you know she's crouched in the corner eating an entire bowl of noodles. I consider this a success. Then it got kind of late so Willie wanted to go home so Freya took Brandon and Willie home. I was drunk as hell and my plan was to play Neopets until I fell asleep. My friend Aurora texted me asking what I'm doing, I told her I was home alone drunk and playing neopets. She said that was sad.
She invited me to a party to play beer pong with some of her coworkers so I was like yeah lets go. She swoops me up and we get to this party, it's in a totally shady ass part of Escondido. The apartment complex looks like a mix between a prison and military barracks, but I'm just like whatever there's free liquor. At the party I swear the entire playlist was Eminem. The whole time I was at the party I heard like every Eminem song. The kicker about this mess is that all the guys were ugly. Every single one of them. And one was like following me around the whole night trying to be my friend and get my number. I tried to be nice about it but I was drunk and annoyed so by the end of the day when we were walking to the car I flat out said "I'm not giving you my number, I'm not interested." Aurora said I was mean and that i should give him a chance because he's nice.
Aurora: That was so mean!
Me: Aurora, we both saw him, he was ugly.
Aurora: He's cute! He asked me if you were single and I told him you were
Me: Why did you egg him on like that.
Aurora: I think you should've given him a chance
Me: If you think he's that cute you should've given him your number because I'm not here for that.
Then we hit up Jack in the Box and those stupid bitches forgot to give me my two tacos. Aurora was babysitting a house in the suburbs of Escondido so we crashed there for the night smoking weed and watching Disney movies. Then I had that awkward moment where you wake up and you don't know where the fuck you are but this big fluffy kitty was there laying across my lap so i knew I was safe. Me and the cat watched Prince of Egypt on netflix until Aurora woke up and took me home. I was home for all of 4 hours. Enough time to eat, take a nap and take a shower and then my ex Alex calls me telling me he's having a party at his place and I should come over. This is where it goes from regular messy to hot messy.
When I get there it's just Alex, a ginger we call Red, Robbie. We were just smoking for a bit until 3 more guys show up. One of the guys named Charlie is like model hot. His two back up dancers are meh. Then my friends Brock and Jesse show up. This party is a total sausagefest, I'm the only girl there in a sea of men, which isn't bad to look at but I don't like 80% of the things guys like. The whole night they're talking about shit I couldn't care less about, but there was free liquor so it was ok. Finally some fucking girls show up. My friend Kim from work, my friend Katie and I invite Aurora along. Aurora gets there and Alex pulls me upstairs to complain because Aurora doesn't like him and he wants to find out how to make her like him. Aurora saw us go upstairs together and left the party completely. She hates Alex that much but I thought she would stay because there were so many attractive men there. Even more people showed up to the party and it just got out of hand. There were two girls there that were drunk as fuck and humping on each other to get guys to look at them. There were beer bottles, beer cans and empty liquor bottles everywhere. I'm just going to create a list of shit that went wrong.
One of Charlies ugly back up dancers confessed to the other that he stole an eighth of weed from him so they got into a fight and the guy started crying. Then the thief drunkenly went off about how his dad is a big deal in St. Louis and we should all respect his dad, then left, threw up all over the downstairs bathroom and passed out. I went to see my friend Kim and she's complaining that boyfriend she came with named Robbie. Robbie's parents called him and was like "You better be home by 1am or we're taking the car!" and Robbie leaves, also leaving his girlfriend at the party by herself with no ride home.
At this point I can't handle it and I ended up sitting at a table and I met a guy named Nile. We started talking and decided to leave and go get McDonalds together and we told each other our life stories and stuff. I expected the party to die down a bit by the time we got back but it didn't. It got worse.
Two drunk white girls are acting a damn fool. First they're grinding on each other like it's some kind of lesbian porno. Then one of the girls gives one of the guys there a blowjob simply because it's his birthday. The other girl spills a beer and decides "Omg I party fouled I have to show my tits!" They were really nice tits though. Then the girl takes all her clothes off except for her bra and underwear and starts doing cartwheels in the living room. Mid-cartwheel, drunk white girl #1 decides she's going to write on the passed out thief because he passed out with his shoes on. She gets drunk white girl #2 in on it but they couldn't find markers so they're trying to do it with pen. The guy pops up and just starts yelling and screaming, all the guys have to like tackle him to the floor and his friend who he stole from punched him in the face. The guys the girls came with start dragging them from the party because they're acting belligerent. Nile and I are both just sitting on the couch watching all this shit go down like it's a movie. Nilel turns to me and just goes "What are you thinking?" and I'm like "You really want to know?" and he's like "Yeah" and I say "White people are crazy."
One guy was nice and got some frozen peas to put on the kid's face because he was obviously getting a black eye from the punch and the asshole rips the bag open and spills frozen peas and carrots all over the damn floor. Alex is drunk as fuck and notices Nile and I are cuddled up on the couch together and he keeps coming up to me and pulling me away from him and mumbling incoherently. I keep telling him to chill out but he kept doing it. Finally I didn't want any more drama so I just went upstairs and I went to bed and told Nile to call me tomorrow because I'm going to sleep.
The next day that house look like a tornado hit it. There was still puke in the bathroom. There was blood on the floor. Alcohol bottles everywhere, cigarettes everywhere, someone had a piece of bread with just mustard and ketchup smeared all over it and there was dried up macaroni and cheese all over the stove. The frozen peas were still on the floor and there were people sleeping on the floor, peas or no peas. I cleaned up a bit because I felt bad for Alex having to do it by himself. Except the vomit we made the guy who did it clean that up. It was a good party though.
I wanted to have a Game of Thrones marathon at my house, every time we say we're going to do it at Willie's house it never happens because Willie gets drunk and obnoxious and starts complaining about how he doesn't want to watch Game of Thrones. Plus Willie has a room mate named Alex who has a boyfriend named Josh. Josh has been over in Afghanistan for like 6 months and is on his way back home. That entire six months Alex has been fucking every Marine in the tri-city area, including 2 of the neighbors. I don't want to be around when that shit hits the fan. I invited Brandon and Freya along since we were all at work that day and we were drinking and having fun. I put on Game of Thrones and guess what happens. Willie is drunk and complains about how he doesn't want to watch Game of Thrones.
Instead we get Freya high for the first time. Brandon taught her how to smoke from a pipe and we passed it around for a bit. First she complains that she doesn't feel anything and that this weed is bullshit. She told us how she took two E pills once and didn't feel anything so this probably isn't going to effect her. Next thing you know she's crouched in the corner eating an entire bowl of noodles. I consider this a success. Then it got kind of late so Willie wanted to go home so Freya took Brandon and Willie home. I was drunk as hell and my plan was to play Neopets until I fell asleep. My friend Aurora texted me asking what I'm doing, I told her I was home alone drunk and playing neopets. She said that was sad.
She invited me to a party to play beer pong with some of her coworkers so I was like yeah lets go. She swoops me up and we get to this party, it's in a totally shady ass part of Escondido. The apartment complex looks like a mix between a prison and military barracks, but I'm just like whatever there's free liquor. At the party I swear the entire playlist was Eminem. The whole time I was at the party I heard like every Eminem song. The kicker about this mess is that all the guys were ugly. Every single one of them. And one was like following me around the whole night trying to be my friend and get my number. I tried to be nice about it but I was drunk and annoyed so by the end of the day when we were walking to the car I flat out said "I'm not giving you my number, I'm not interested." Aurora said I was mean and that i should give him a chance because he's nice.
Aurora: That was so mean!
Me: Aurora, we both saw him, he was ugly.
Aurora: He's cute! He asked me if you were single and I told him you were
Me: Why did you egg him on like that.
Aurora: I think you should've given him a chance
Me: If you think he's that cute you should've given him your number because I'm not here for that.
Then we hit up Jack in the Box and those stupid bitches forgot to give me my two tacos. Aurora was babysitting a house in the suburbs of Escondido so we crashed there for the night smoking weed and watching Disney movies. Then I had that awkward moment where you wake up and you don't know where the fuck you are but this big fluffy kitty was there laying across my lap so i knew I was safe. Me and the cat watched Prince of Egypt on netflix until Aurora woke up and took me home. I was home for all of 4 hours. Enough time to eat, take a nap and take a shower and then my ex Alex calls me telling me he's having a party at his place and I should come over. This is where it goes from regular messy to hot messy.
When I get there it's just Alex, a ginger we call Red, Robbie. We were just smoking for a bit until 3 more guys show up. One of the guys named Charlie is like model hot. His two back up dancers are meh. Then my friends Brock and Jesse show up. This party is a total sausagefest, I'm the only girl there in a sea of men, which isn't bad to look at but I don't like 80% of the things guys like. The whole night they're talking about shit I couldn't care less about, but there was free liquor so it was ok. Finally some fucking girls show up. My friend Kim from work, my friend Katie and I invite Aurora along. Aurora gets there and Alex pulls me upstairs to complain because Aurora doesn't like him and he wants to find out how to make her like him. Aurora saw us go upstairs together and left the party completely. She hates Alex that much but I thought she would stay because there were so many attractive men there. Even more people showed up to the party and it just got out of hand. There were two girls there that were drunk as fuck and humping on each other to get guys to look at them. There were beer bottles, beer cans and empty liquor bottles everywhere. I'm just going to create a list of shit that went wrong.
One of Charlies ugly back up dancers confessed to the other that he stole an eighth of weed from him so they got into a fight and the guy started crying. Then the thief drunkenly went off about how his dad is a big deal in St. Louis and we should all respect his dad, then left, threw up all over the downstairs bathroom and passed out. I went to see my friend Kim and she's complaining that boyfriend she came with named Robbie. Robbie's parents called him and was like "You better be home by 1am or we're taking the car!" and Robbie leaves, also leaving his girlfriend at the party by herself with no ride home.
At this point I can't handle it and I ended up sitting at a table and I met a guy named Nile. We started talking and decided to leave and go get McDonalds together and we told each other our life stories and stuff. I expected the party to die down a bit by the time we got back but it didn't. It got worse.
Two drunk white girls are acting a damn fool. First they're grinding on each other like it's some kind of lesbian porno. Then one of the girls gives one of the guys there a blowjob simply because it's his birthday. The other girl spills a beer and decides "Omg I party fouled I have to show my tits!" They were really nice tits though. Then the girl takes all her clothes off except for her bra and underwear and starts doing cartwheels in the living room. Mid-cartwheel, drunk white girl #1 decides she's going to write on the passed out thief because he passed out with his shoes on. She gets drunk white girl #2 in on it but they couldn't find markers so they're trying to do it with pen. The guy pops up and just starts yelling and screaming, all the guys have to like tackle him to the floor and his friend who he stole from punched him in the face. The guys the girls came with start dragging them from the party because they're acting belligerent. Nile and I are both just sitting on the couch watching all this shit go down like it's a movie. Nilel turns to me and just goes "What are you thinking?" and I'm like "You really want to know?" and he's like "Yeah" and I say "White people are crazy."
One guy was nice and got some frozen peas to put on the kid's face because he was obviously getting a black eye from the punch and the asshole rips the bag open and spills frozen peas and carrots all over the damn floor. Alex is drunk as fuck and notices Nile and I are cuddled up on the couch together and he keeps coming up to me and pulling me away from him and mumbling incoherently. I keep telling him to chill out but he kept doing it. Finally I didn't want any more drama so I just went upstairs and I went to bed and told Nile to call me tomorrow because I'm going to sleep.
The next day that house look like a tornado hit it. There was still puke in the bathroom. There was blood on the floor. Alcohol bottles everywhere, cigarettes everywhere, someone had a piece of bread with just mustard and ketchup smeared all over it and there was dried up macaroni and cheese all over the stove. The frozen peas were still on the floor and there were people sleeping on the floor, peas or no peas. I cleaned up a bit because I felt bad for Alex having to do it by himself. Except the vomit we made the guy who did it clean that up. It was a good party though.
Sounds like one of my Fraternity parties.