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It's not even my birthday yet but I've been partying since Thursday because, why not? Tomorrow I will officially be 23 so I decided to use these past few days to get all the ratchet 22 yr old behavior out of my system, so yes this is going to be a long post. The first thing I did was break rule number one, do not drink with marines. But it wasn't my fault, I originally planned to be an alcoholic and drink by myself in bed with my cat until my friend fuckbuddy Cody called me and informed me he was 10 minutes from my house and he's going to pick me up and buy me dinner and alcohol. I was already drunk so all I could respond with was "Do i have to wear shoes or can I keep on my fuzzy slippers?"
Slippers, of course.
I feel like the night would have been fine if it were just me and Cody but his best friend Daniel was also there. Daniel is the Black version of Cody and he's constantly pushing my buttons. They went to high school in Alabama together and they're both fucking meatheads. Their first bright idea was to build a fire then put three giant piles of wood on top of the fire to see how big they can make the fire get. The fire got so huge that we all had to move everything back because it got so fucking hot and we were afraid something was going to catch fire. Then Daniel stole my purple fuzzy slippers and wouldn't give them back. He said if I wanted them back I had to take them off his feet. I was drunk enough to where I thought "6ft 230lb black man? I can take this guy no problem." As soon as we locked arms he just picks me up by my wrists and dangles me like I child. At that moment I thought maybe this wasn't such a bright idea. I had to fight dirty and went for the sack grab. It worked, I got free. But I only managed to get one slipper back. I got my second one back later.
Then my cousin called and fucking Daniel keeps jumping in my conversation trying to get me to tell my cousin to come over. I kept telling him Daniel she's gay, and all he kept saying was "but is she hot?" And he was like arguing with me telling me my cousin wasn't gay. He's never even met her! I just screamed at him
Me: SHE'S SUPER DUPER GAY. SHE WAS BORN GAY. SHE LIVES WITH HER GIRLFRIEND, SHES GAY.
Daniel: She wasn't born gay no one is born gay!
Me: People are born gay just like people are born straight
Daniel: Are you saying being gay is natural, it's not if everyone were gay the world would die out!
Me: But not everyone is born gay. We have gay people, we have straight people, bisexual people, the human race isn't dying out, you're not making any sense!
Daniel: You don't understand what I'm saying! I'm saying people aren't born gay!
And it went back and forth like that for a good 10 minutes until I finally gave up and said
Me: Ok fine. I understand your opinion, but I disagree with it.
Daniel: i would kill my son if he were gay
Me: And what the fuck would that accomplish?
Cody: Would you kill Greyson (Cody's son) if he were gay?
Daniel: No I wouldn't kill your son, that's your kid
Cody: You wouldn't hurt your son. You need to have a kid of your own before you can understand how much you can love someone. It's a whole different kind of love. If my son came to me and told me and told me 'Dad I'm gay' I would just tell him 'Ok, I love you son. You go be gay.' I would just kill any guy who tried to talk to him because no guy is good enough for him.
Idk about you guys but I thought that was beautiful so I declared the party over and left to go have sex with Cody.
The next day we went to breakfast then he dropped me off at home and I literally slept the day away. I didn't wake up until almost 5pm, I was that hungover. My whole body was sore from fighting Daniel. It was just a bad day. My friend Aurora came and nursed me back to health with a lot of marijuana, food and Starbucks. Then I basically smoked weed and played Neopets all night because that's what cool kids do.
Saturdaymorning afternoon I got out of bed and started getting ready for my party. Freya and Brandon had planned a birthday party for me and I invited all my friends. Everything was going smoothly until Willie started acting like a bitch. Willie doesn't like Freya because he says she's annoying when he's drunk. She's just really Chinese and he gets annoyed when he has to repeat things to her and explain what words mean. He was also upset that Brandon was bringing his friend fuckbuddy Laura and Willie doesn't like Laura. I asked him why is it about them when it's my birthday party? I was with him for his birthday even when he was acting like an ass but he can't put his own shit aside to come to my party. Then he texted me and said he was coming. I asked him how was he getting there and does he need a ride. He told me he doesn't know ask Brandon. Brandon told me he was getting a ride from Laura and since Willie doesn't like Laura he should ride with me. I called Willie and told him I was picking him up. He didn't answer. I texted him. Called some more. Finally I just decided fuck it and left to Freyas. Willie texts me like an hour later.
Willie: I'm not coming
Me: Then you shouldn't have even wasted my time
Him: I never asked you to come get me
Me: Whatever. I don't even care, bye.
Him: Well maybe if you did care you wouldn't have wasted your time (WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?)
Me: If you cared you wouldn't have wasted my time. It's my birthday and you're trying to make this about you. So you have fun alone in your world.
Him: No I'm not, seriously. No one told you to pick me up.
Me: I'm not picking you up I'm already at Freya's house. I don't understand why you're continuing to speak.
And that was that. Fuck Willie. We're not friends anymore. I had an amazing party, everyone was super sweet. All my friends showed up and I even made new friends. We got wastedpants and I got to hang out with Laura and she's not the bitch that Willie is constantly telling me she is. She's a super sweet person with an amazing son. I think Willie is just jealous that Brandon is fucking Laura and not him. Freya was an awesome party host until she decided to drink the entire shot chess table and spent the rest of the night with her face in the toilet. Freya lives with this really nice 50+ yr old couple, they were the fucking best. Turns out they were stoners so I smoked them out. It was amazing, I've never smoked pot with old people before. The party ended around 3am when everyone passed out. I took the train back home and now I'm about to get ready for phase 3 of my birthday party weekend. I'm going to Sky High! TRAMPOLINES, BITCHES. All the walls and floors are made of trampolines and we can jump from the trampolines into foam pits. Best birthday ever!
Slippers, of course.
I feel like the night would have been fine if it were just me and Cody but his best friend Daniel was also there. Daniel is the Black version of Cody and he's constantly pushing my buttons. They went to high school in Alabama together and they're both fucking meatheads. Their first bright idea was to build a fire then put three giant piles of wood on top of the fire to see how big they can make the fire get. The fire got so huge that we all had to move everything back because it got so fucking hot and we were afraid something was going to catch fire. Then Daniel stole my purple fuzzy slippers and wouldn't give them back. He said if I wanted them back I had to take them off his feet. I was drunk enough to where I thought "6ft 230lb black man? I can take this guy no problem." As soon as we locked arms he just picks me up by my wrists and dangles me like I child. At that moment I thought maybe this wasn't such a bright idea. I had to fight dirty and went for the sack grab. It worked, I got free. But I only managed to get one slipper back. I got my second one back later.
Then my cousin called and fucking Daniel keeps jumping in my conversation trying to get me to tell my cousin to come over. I kept telling him Daniel she's gay, and all he kept saying was "but is she hot?" And he was like arguing with me telling me my cousin wasn't gay. He's never even met her! I just screamed at him
Me: SHE'S SUPER DUPER GAY. SHE WAS BORN GAY. SHE LIVES WITH HER GIRLFRIEND, SHES GAY.
Daniel: She wasn't born gay no one is born gay!
Me: People are born gay just like people are born straight
Daniel: Are you saying being gay is natural, it's not if everyone were gay the world would die out!
Me: But not everyone is born gay. We have gay people, we have straight people, bisexual people, the human race isn't dying out, you're not making any sense!
Daniel: You don't understand what I'm saying! I'm saying people aren't born gay!
And it went back and forth like that for a good 10 minutes until I finally gave up and said
Me: Ok fine. I understand your opinion, but I disagree with it.
Daniel: i would kill my son if he were gay
Me: And what the fuck would that accomplish?
Cody: Would you kill Greyson (Cody's son) if he were gay?
Daniel: No I wouldn't kill your son, that's your kid
Cody: You wouldn't hurt your son. You need to have a kid of your own before you can understand how much you can love someone. It's a whole different kind of love. If my son came to me and told me and told me 'Dad I'm gay' I would just tell him 'Ok, I love you son. You go be gay.' I would just kill any guy who tried to talk to him because no guy is good enough for him.
Idk about you guys but I thought that was beautiful so I declared the party over and left to go have sex with Cody.
The next day we went to breakfast then he dropped me off at home and I literally slept the day away. I didn't wake up until almost 5pm, I was that hungover. My whole body was sore from fighting Daniel. It was just a bad day. My friend Aurora came and nursed me back to health with a lot of marijuana, food and Starbucks. Then I basically smoked weed and played Neopets all night because that's what cool kids do.
Saturday
Willie: I'm not coming
Me: Then you shouldn't have even wasted my time
Him: I never asked you to come get me
Me: Whatever. I don't even care, bye.
Him: Well maybe if you did care you wouldn't have wasted your time (WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?)
Me: If you cared you wouldn't have wasted my time. It's my birthday and you're trying to make this about you. So you have fun alone in your world.
Him: No I'm not, seriously. No one told you to pick me up.
Me: I'm not picking you up I'm already at Freya's house. I don't understand why you're continuing to speak.
And that was that. Fuck Willie. We're not friends anymore. I had an amazing party, everyone was super sweet. All my friends showed up and I even made new friends. We got wastedpants and I got to hang out with Laura and she's not the bitch that Willie is constantly telling me she is. She's a super sweet person with an amazing son. I think Willie is just jealous that Brandon is fucking Laura and not him. Freya was an awesome party host until she decided to drink the entire shot chess table and spent the rest of the night with her face in the toilet. Freya lives with this really nice 50+ yr old couple, they were the fucking best. Turns out they were stoners so I smoked them out. It was amazing, I've never smoked pot with old people before. The party ended around 3am when everyone passed out. I took the train back home and now I'm about to get ready for phase 3 of my birthday party weekend. I'm going to Sky High! TRAMPOLINES, BITCHES. All the walls and floors are made of trampolines and we can jump from the trampolines into foam pits. Best birthday ever!
