Mishelle Breaks The Dry Spell

So before yesterday I hadn't had sex with anyone since Cody which was January 2014. It wasn't anything conscious on my part I just hadn't met a guy who I wanted to have sex with. I've made out with plenty of dudes and I did let my ex eat my ass once but that was just weird. I really don't get the appeal.

Anyway I decided I was going to get on Tinder and see if any attractive men existed in my neighborhood They did, however most of them just wanted to have sex right away. They'd start their conversation with absolute gems like "wanna come to my place?" "What kind of panties are you wearing?" "I like your curves" and my personal favorite " *eggplant emoji*"

Ugh. No thanks.

But I did meet this guy named Max and he actually started a conversation with me and we ended up talking all night so I gave him my number. We ended up texting, he found me on snapchat, and we basically talked damn near every day for a month and a half. We kept making plans to meet but it never worked because we have super conflicting work schedules. He works during the day, I work nights and he has to be home by 8:30 because he still lives with his mom (I don't judge, rent is too damn high). And the really shitty thing is that he works at my old university so if we had met a few months ago this wouldn't be a problem but I graduated so I never step foot on that campus anymore. Like all the time I spent on that campus and your sexy ass was there all along hiding, why?

Anyway back to the story. I decided to take Friday off work since I usually just end up texting for 6 hours and not doing much of anything. At least with a day off I could catch up on my laundry since my washing machine was broken for a month and the landlord just fixed it. Plus this particular Friday was one of the rare moments where my deadbeat cousin actually had work. He does this program called Labor Finders where they'll basically just call him the day before and tell him they have work for him. It's better than nothing, I guess. He's still not paying any fucking bills or rent around here, but it's nice to have him gone occasionally.

So I texted Max like "I'm out running errands but when I get home I'll text you and you can come over"

Sidenote: on my way home from errands I stopped by my local Planned Parenthood and made a donation because Republicans are fucking lame, and they gave me free condoms.

So I get home and I text him and he literally is at my house in 8 minutes. I didn't even have time to finish the Panda Express that I bought. So we hang out for a bit talking and I have no idea how this is supposed to go. I've never hooked up with someone I met on an app before. We were just sitting on my bed talking about random stuff like Supernatural, the books on my bookcase, the gentrification of Inglewood, and whatever else. Then he asks to use the bathroom and when he comes out his hands are wet and he starts drying his hands on my thighs and he's just like "You know this is actually urine" it's clearly water so I play along and I'm like "Oh well that's nice, I don't think you're going to get anywhere drying your hands on my thighs" and he's like "I know but is this a good first move?" and he starts using his fingers to flick water on me and I'm just like "You're a modern day Cassanova, Maxwell." Then I just grab his shirt and kiss him because I know if I don't do something he's just going to keep flicking water on me.

Everything was great until the actual sex part. I wasn't prepared for how uncooperative my vagina was going to be. Apparently if you don't use it you really do lose it. Not to mention the fact that this was one of the few moments where a dick is actually bigger in person than it is in pictures. So we try a couple different positions and finally we settle into missionary because it's the only position that doesn't feel like my insides are being rearranged and then he cums. If I had to clock the actual sex, including putting on the condom and the position changes I'd say it lasted 3-4 minutes total. And then this conversation happened.

Him: ...It usually lasts longer than that
Me:
Him: It sucks because when I was on my way here I was just like "I'm really gonna give it to her" but then....
Me: It happens, I'm really not mad.

Like what the hell am I supposed to say? Is there a protocol for premature ejaculation? So we hung out for a bit more and talked, then I walked him to his car. We haven't really spoken since. I still want to be friends with him but I don't know if I want to have sex with him again. I'm low key hoping he never talks to me again because I don't want to have that conversation. I don't know how to human. I'm bad at this.