I'm Running Out of Compassion for my Family
Please do not mistake this for an "emo" post, because it's not. It's more of a rant.
About three weeks ago, my mother was driving me to orchestra rehearsal. Normally, I would drive there myself, but the road on the way there tends to be very dangerous, so my folks don’t want me driving on it.
While my mother drove, she started saying that her eyes were getting heavy. She nearly fell asleep at the wheel twice, and I had to yell at her just to keep her awake. One of those times, she almost got us into an accident. When we stopped for dinner, I insisted that I drive the rest of the way to rehearsal, but she kept insisting that she keep on driving. I’m not going to lie, I was scared about what happened, and I was scared the rest of the way home, thinking she was going to fall asleep again. Thankfully, she didn’t. She told me not to tell my dad what happened, and being the stupid person I was… I didn’t tell him.
Well, about a day or two later, she was driving (not with me), and she told me that she felt sleepy, she closed her eyes, and the moment she opened them, she was on the wrong side of the road. About a day later, my dad found out what’s been happening. We had a bit of a long talk, and I told him that I was putting my foot down, and that until we could find out what’s ailing my mother, she shouldn’t be driving me to rehearsal.
Last week, my mother insisted that she was taking me to rehearsal. I had to decline, of course, because I didn’t want to risk her getting us both into an accident, and until she finds out what’s making her drowsy at the wheel, she shouldn’t be driving. Of course, she didn’t listen to me. She didn’t even listen to my dad when he talked to her. So when rehearsal day came, she said she was taking me. I said no, she’s not. Dad and I walked out the door, and before I stepped out, she said, “You two remember this…”
She ignored my father and me for several days. I’m just so flabbergasted as to why she would be angry with me because I looked after her safety. I should also mention that my dad goes into surgery in about two weeks, and he won't be able to do anything for two months. I anticipate my mother getting angry at me and refusing to drive me to rehearsal (That's okay, because I don't trust her behind the wheel anyway), so I'll tell her that I'm going to be driving myself to rehearsal. If she says I can't, then I'll simply have to skip rehearsals until my father recovers. Of course, she'll say no to that, but what other fucking choice do I have??
I’m getting sick and tired of my mother being angry with me for the stupidest reasons, and I’m getting sick of her in general. I’m sick of her trying to control me, I’m sick of her trying to victim-blame, and I’m sick of her trying to shift the argument to make herself look like the victim whenever she's clearly in the wrong. I can’t bother wasting my time on a family member who doesn’t appreciate what I do for them.
From now on, my relationship with her is completely loveless. Whatever compassion I had left for her is gone.
I don’t hate her, but I don’t love her either. I can never forgive her for the things she’s done, and I certainly cannot forgive her for this. If she thinks that risking getting me and her killed is a better option than playing it safe, and then decides to act petty about it, then I want nothing to do with her.
Being an adult is hard.