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tw: suicide
I don't know if many of you are familiarized with the "Yellow Ribbon" movement, but it's about the "World Suicide Prevention Day". It was on September 10. This is a very personal blog and I was thinking about writing it for a few weeks but didn't have the courage to do so.
I'm not very active here for a reason. I'm 25 years old and have been dealing with depression since I was 13, I think. Sometimes I'm able to talk to people but usually I'm trying to be alone because I feel that I'm always annoying everybody with my sadness. A group of girls that were my "friends" on college said that to me on march, that my mood was bad to them because I was always sad and that made them feel bad too. I felt like shit. So I'm usually trying to do my "origami face", when I'm expressing nothing.
I don't trust people to say how I fell because:
- I have bad experience with being vulnerable
- I don't think people really understand what I say.
- I fell like I can't be helped
The treatment I've been submitted to is going on since last december. My girlfriend and a big friend from my course are taking care of my medication, since I can't have it with me. I already tried to medicate myself in the past, but gave up the treatment because I'm dumb and felt like everything was ok. My psychologist treats me since I was 15.
My parents are christians and don't think depression is a serious thing. They think I'm in this situation because I don't go to the church and don't believe in god (because it's easy like that). They are also homophobes and I'm a lesbian, so during my life I heard things like "maybe if you get raped you will know how it's like to be with a man", "I'm pretty sure if I asked god to take you away he'd do it", "I would prefer if you were a prostitute". I can't handle it, even if I'm seeing my therapist and taking meds. I seriously hate myself because depression is delaying my life and everybody I know is already living outside the country, having an amazing job, getting married, this kind of thing and I'm still in the second year from a graduation. I'm completely useless and late in life.
The idea of suicide is hunting me since I can remember and I tried it a few times, obviously with no success. My parents pretend it didn't happen or they really don't know about it. What's worse? Idk. My psychiatrist said to my mom that she needed to be responsible for my meds since I had a few suicide attempts and she was all like "what? nope". My father ridicules me a lot because I'm sick, saying things like "are you trying to do sashimi on your arms?", when he discovered I was cutting myself.
The last time I tried to do something against me was last week. I took all my meds and my friend (that one who is taking care of my meds) found me and took me to the hospital. She called my girlfriend, and when she got there she called my mother. She did not ask where I was and if she could go get me, or if I was ok. The subsequent days I went to my gf's house and did not talk to my parents, but they sent her messages asking if everything was ok. They never tought it was serious until something happened and they were aware of it.
I'm fucking tired of everything. I don't see how things can get better or if I will be able to wait until I'm not thinking about suicide everyday. I'll change the medication and probably will have a meeting with my parents + psychologist, what will be awful. My psychologist and psychiatrist say that I should be hospitalized.
I don't know what to do, I want to be free from this grieving.
