Fanged Rants About Things

I don’t fucking get it.

I just feel like the way Erik’s mom is asking to help him sounds like she’s implying I shouldn’t be sitting on my ass. Also I don’t understand why the fuck the coffee table needs to be completely clear. Wtf. I cannot take another Christmas here.
I’m not evening sitting on my ass??? I’ve literally cleaned and picked up ALL of my stuff. I just need to carry some things upstairs which I will do before I go to bed.

I don’t fucking understand Christmas here. Seriously. It’s like the place literally has to appear as a minimalist house.

On top of thay, they celebrate Christmas morning?? Like they have always opened presents in the early morning. Wtf.
I grew up opening em at midnight. I’d much rather stay up late to open them rather than wake up ungodly early to do so. Fucking stupid ass shit.

And clearing our coffee table?? Like this area that Erik and I use all the time BASICALLY has to be clear of EVERYTHING. It’s like she wants us to clear everything now so that, what, afterwards Erik and I can just stare at a wall until Christmas is over? I just don’t fucking get it.

I miss simpler Christmas. Not this stupid ass stressful shit. Throw your shade elsewhere. Get that fucking stressful, negative, “I’m-stressing-hardcore-so-you-need-to-also” attitude outta here. Fucking hell. I want to go back to where Christmas was a family thing, not some family gathering treated like a formal party. I miss my Christmases. I know they weren’t huge or extravagant but at least when Christmas Eve rolled around no one was stressed the fuck out. It was all about being grateful and spending time with family doing family things and such. Why would you turn Christmas into such a stressful fucking holiday?? Absolutely wrong and pointless. You can’t paint this picture perfect royal Christmas gathering without people faking their Christmas spirit.

I think that’s why I am not excited for Christmas this year. I think that’s why I’m not in much of a Christmas spirit this year, if I have any spirit at all. This family’s crazy ass Christmas reduced what little spirit I had.

I want to go back. To Texas. To MY family. To MY Christmases. It sucks so bad. It fucking sucks to say that. Either I leave for Texas or I leave this household. So much stupid shit here, it’s not for me. Honestly I wouldn’t be here if Erik and I had the means to get our own place. But we don’t. We cant. So I’m fucking stuck, again.

Fucking AWESOME CHRISTMAS.


Oh and to add to my current problems, my eyes have been MAD itchy for 3 hours. Like, ridiculously so. And since dinner, my chest has felt like it’s tightened and I’m having trouble breathing/ I have coughing fits. Ugh.

I almost wish those are heart attack symptoms.

I'm coming up on my 18th month since moving here to Maine.
I've lived with my bf's parentals for nearly that long.

They're great people for the most part. However, his dad is racist as FUCK, loud as FUCK, and super childish ( "lol i'm right ur wrong shut up"). His mom is just irrational, and they both believe ANYTHING on Facebook because they're Facebook addicts.

Oftentimes it's said that all Erik and I do is sit around staring at screens (laptop, tv, phone/tablet, etc.) and that we need to get out more. Well ya see, we WOULD get out more, if we had the means/money. Erik's friends work odd hour shifts, I have no friends up here besides his. The weather is shitty most of the time--snowy/cold/icy or holy-shit-hotter-than-satan's-asshole. When it actually is a nice day though, we DO go out and enjoy it. I'm also pretty good when it comes to getting at least 10 minutes of fresh air, regardless of the weather, as the air here in rural Maine is MUCH better than the air in Houston, Texas.

Now, I know every person has their faults and whatnot. My problem is, if you expect something of me, don't be a fucking hypocrite.
Example? The screen thing. They literally do nothing else besides sit on the couch, TV on, but they have their reading glasses on and scrolling through Facebook on their phone. (How do they not run out of things to look at on Facebook? Do they just refresh their Timeline until they see something new, rinse and repeat? Older people are a mystery when it comes to Facebook addictions.)

Another thing, most recent, is the dishes. Neither Erik nor myself have a problem doing them, ever. But the thing with his parents and dishes is that they like to leave their lunch containers/tupperwares from work CLOSED. They just come home and toss it in the sink. Sometimes things get moldy, spoiled, and gross and they just don't give a shit because they KNOW we'll wash it. It's fucking disgusting and gross on so many levels. You can imagine the disorienting odor that comes from opening up those containers to wash them when they've been out there for several days.
The REAL big one is when they cook something and don't even bother to let the dirty pans/pots soak with water. It's a nightmare trying to clean them.
Erik and I are the only ones who do the dishes ever. I've tested this. We've seen them pile up the dishes in the sink until you literally cannot even wash your hands because it is so full.

His dad is the worst. He's REALLY OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD during sports programs and the show Cops. He literally does nothing around the house to help out. He doesn't shower often. He either on Facebook and watching TV or upstairs tying fishing flies. Sometimes he stays home from work just to do absolutely nothing at home, but when anyone else stays home because they're legitimately sick, he gets pissy. Like, really? Wow.

The racism from his father is a whole different topic that I'd rather not get into. Let's just say that he's not fond of POC, but thankfully he "tolerates" me, a POC.

His mom doesn't like the idea of us playing video games. She's absolutely against it. Which is weird because apparently she used to be really into Halo. Like, REALLY into it. She almost got a "Halomom" license plate or someshit.
Anytime we try to explain video games and art and music or anything of the sort, it just gets sorta ignored. Like, gee, thanks.

Anyway, I'm mostly upset that his dad LITERALLY DOES NOTHING.
I'm so sick of hypocrites.

I dunno, I'll add more to this when I can calm down about the whole ordeal.
Erik and I need to get well-paying jobs fast. We need to get back on our feet. We need to get our own place and out of this shithole (I say shithole, but only through the household members. Other than that, it's not a shithole). Ugh

Today I got into a really heated argument with my bf's parents about Ferguson, Mike Brown, Tamir Rice, police brutality, etc. That whole business.

It sucked so bad because Erik's parents are rather... close-minded when it comes to society. Which is funny because they're those type of parents who are on Facebook 24/7 and believe EVERYTHING they see on Facebook. It's a little sad.

They literally are on the couch browsing Facebook on their phones ANYTIME they are home, with the TV on in the background. Doing something in real life? Gonna take a picture for Facebook. Did you see this on Facebook? Facebook??? FACEbOOOK?!??
They're zombies almost. Yet they claim Erik and I sit on our asses playing video games, staring at laptop screens, etc. Like okay lol there is literally no difference here except what's on our screens.

His dad is very racist. He's white, middle-aged, hates homosexuals and ESPECIALLY black people. Black homosexuals??? He'd have a heart attack if one was even in the same room as him. (He doesn't know I'm bisexual... but I'm Asian and he's actually been respectful about that.) He watches COPS on a daily basis and is always saying "just shoot the bastard!!!" and he basically gets off when someone is tazed/tased(sp?).Doesn't matter what the motive is or who was in the wrong or whatever, "just fucking shoot the goddamn motherfucker". He often rambles on about "the damn Somalis everywhere".

His mom isn't as harsh as his dad, but she's still pretty close-minded herself. She overreacts about a LOT of things. She was trying to justify Tamir Rice's death. "Okay yes there is video evidence of the cop literally driving up to the 12 year old and shooting him, but what happened before that video?" Are you kidding me? 12 year old, unarmed, toy gun, and the police officer reported "black male down. appears to be 20, male." Are you fucking kidding me? A 12 year old??? ugh.

Excerpt from a blog post I made on tumblr:

And things like “how come there’s never any talk of non-black kids getting shot?”

Oh. My. Fucking. GOD.

"There needs to be another shooting so they can talk about someone else besides Mike Brown." -Bf’s dad

I cannot believe this household.

I was told to just shut up and that apparently I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Apparently.

And that I sound like a Texan. Okay then lmfao.

It’s just so frustrating. How do you get rid of ignorance? Through education? That didn’t seem to work obviously. I was just talked over, told to shut up, and then belittled because of my opinion, even though I did my research, and I was only able to explain maybe 3 or 4 points before getting interrupted and told to shut up. I did try saying back “you shut up and listen! You can’t just believe everything on Fox News!” But, alas, didn’t get through again.

I fucking give up trying to explain to people who are so close-minded and ignorant in their ways. I know for a fact that if this happened to one of their sons, or even worse their golden child granddaughter, they would start to see reason. How can I make them see? How can I put then into someone else’s shoes?

I can put the facts in front of them, but they won’t listen. I can lead a horse to water, but I can’t make em drink.

Society is fucked, honestly. Middle aged people with their “traditional values” and their “well its always been this way” shit. They won’t even give us youth the time to talk.

Erik's blog post:

Spoiler

You know, I thought I wouldn’t lose respect for my father any more than I had in the past. I was so wrong, I’m now in a backwards reality. Through his own words, he supports the fucking murder of all these black people. I won’t say their names, you know who they are. You know their real stories. What does he know? “BLACK PEOPLE MUST DIE!” I can quote him on saying all people in Ferguson who are black need to be shot. Yep. My own father. The man who is supposed to shape me into the man I am. He did a shit job in sculpting me into his image. I’m smarter, open minded, and inquisitive. I’m not a racist, bigoted, closed minded fuckface who thinks things need to be “normal”. Normal doesn’t exist, wake up you shithead. Wake. The. Fuck. Up. I’m accepting, you’re not. I’m questioning of ideals and understandings that may further my understanding of life itself. You. Are. Not. You would watch me die in a video like those unfortunate people, and then try to justify my own demise. I know you would. You’d say it was because I’m stupid, because I’m useless, cause I play too many video games. Really? What if I was defending the love of my life? What if I was defending your precious niece? What if I was just breathing? Hm? Nah, you’d blame me. I’m not proud to be your son anymore, surprised I ever was …

I'm just glad that Erik isn't like his parents. If he was, I wouldn't be with him lol. So there's that.

Read Full Entry →

5 Comments

This year is the one year where my birthday is/has basically taken me by surprise.
I'm usually good about knowing about my own birthday when it's coming up, but I've had several occurrences where someone has been like, "When's your birthday?" and I'll say "December 5th" and they'll be like, "so in, 1-2 weeks or so, right?" and every time I've just been, "oh shit, yes, it's that soon."

Craziness. Used to be that I've always been pretty hyped up 3 weeks before my birthday. now it's 2 days before my birthday and I'm just kinda "meh".

I think it might be because Erik's still unemployed, I'm still unemployed, so we've been broke since September. It sucks.
I'm not expecting much this time around, but oddly I'm at peace with that fact.

I mean, there isn't even truly anything am I DYING to have.
If I had to make a list, it'd be something of a birthday-and-Christmas wishlist of sorts. Even then, the list is probably more unobtainable than not.

Wishlist:

• For Erik to get a nice job that doesn't stress him out or fuck him over.
• For me to get a job, preferably where Erik would work because I have no form of transportation here still
• To talk more to my own parents, since I barely talk to my mom and I haven't talked to my dad in... 3 years or so? Coming up on 4? Geez..
• The Hunger Games book trilogy, in hardback. I owned it before. I bought every book when it came out and finished them all within 3 days of release. I just have a lot of good memories of that specific book trilogy. I gave the first one to my favorite high school English teacher. My father LOVED the book series and we kinda bonded over that. My father and I were bookworms but he always stole from my personal library, and I was rather proud of that.
• The Hunger Games movies, maybe. Normally I avoid watching movie adaptations of books at ALL costs, but my best friend persuaded me to watch the first one during my first year in college, and I actually loved it for the most part. I watched the second one on Netflix recently and thought it was pretty great too. Still haven't seen Mockingjay part 1, though. I guess for this I'd rather wait till all 4 movies are on blu-ray.
• Dragon Age: Inquisition Inquisitor's Edition. I'd basically been on the hunt for this many months ago, but it's been sold out for forever. What I'd do to get my hands on one, though...
• A hat rack. I kinda sorta have had this growing hat collection that started three or four years ago, but I've no place for all the hats. They're just a stacked mess, really.
• Bacon. No explanation needed.
• Happiness. I just want to get rid of this depression. I've been a slave to it my whole life. Pills are getting expensive, and frankly I just need to turn my life around. I've been a mess this whole year due to lack of productivity, but I'm stuck in this trench of "I want/need to do things but I can't because I don't have the means to do so". It sucks so bad.
• Motivation towards creativity, at least. I've been slacking so hard when it comes to practicing/refining my talents. I have this unbelievable desire to write write write, read read read, and draw draw draw. But video gamessss. Blargh.

Yup, so most of the stuff on that list isn't really obtainable. Bluh.
I just kinda feel like I've stopped caring I guess. I've been in this low spot for quite a while that it's sorta sucked away any potential "HYPE HYPE HYPE" energy I've needed/used to have for specific things.

Oh well.

Went Black Friday shopping for the first time in my life.
I figured that places would be open around 6pm Turkey Day. 9pm: Me, bf, his mom head out to Walmart. Nope, closed with medium sized line outside.
Sit around in car contemplating what to do, googling open places. Walmart at 12:01am, Kohl's -says- 7pm, Target 12:01am. Drive up to Kohl's, closed.
Did more reading on phone, found out about "Blue law", 5000 ft places can't be open on Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas. Ho hum.

Drive around hopelessly. Get coffee at DD. Drive around hopelessly, K-Mart is closed until 12:01, no line outside and barely 3 cars in lot (one was a tractor or snow plow or something).

Head to Walmart again. Hang around until 11:45. Line is longer now, goes around the corner of the building. Decide to start heading to the back of the line.

Stupid stuff in Walmart. Didn't get anything cuz I'm broke as fuck, same for bf. He pined after the cheap Xbone Halo bundle.
Helped his mom get stuff. Mostly stuff for Eve (his niece). She's crazy about Doc Mcstuffens or whatever. Meh.

$10 waffle iron for bf's brother. Not bad, really. Get bumped by one of the 30 people with 50 inch TV(s) in their cart (yes, some people had 2-3 TVs). They couldn't fucking see with their damn TVs in the cart.

Gets sassed by middle-aged white lady. FFS lady, I didn't have much room to move and I was asked to look at something. Sit the fuck down.

Wait in line for fucking ever it seems. More blob-martians with TVs sassing people to gtfo. Start to hate people, vow to never go Black Friday shopping again.

I kinda hate people. Ugh.

On the bright side, played a game of newly-bought Monopoly with the three of us. I kicked ass. Bf broke as fuck in the game too, ended up saying "fuck it" and went to bed. I went to shower, and here I am. I'm going to play some Dragon Age because I fucking need/deserve it.

So, this is Fanged signing off for the night/morning (4:26am). I'll be up for a little while longer, maybe. Maybe not. Who knows. It gets lonely when you're the only one awake. Bf's mom will be heading out for a 6am store, though, so it'll only be another hour or so before there's movement here.

Thanksgiving day. Woke up tired at 11:30am. Stayed in bed, tried to get a little more sleep, whilst feeling bad for not getting up and helping before company arrived.

12:35. Looked at stuff on phone, bf came in to check on me and tell me that company would/should be arriving in around half an hour. Stayed in bed for another 10 min, then forced myself out of bed.

Got ready for company, helped with food, went outside in snow with the dogs. Scattered old sunflowers seeds for the birds. Found out dogs killed a little mole, was told I had to throw it out of the dogs' reach. Reluctantly picked up small rodent's lifeless, oddly squishy body, threw it into untouched snow where the dogs wouldn't see it.
Was told food would be ready at 2pm.

Company came. Bf's dad picked up his mom (Erik's grandma), whom he claims is evil. Lol. Lucille is her name, but she's often called "Loose-wheel". Dogs go nuts as usual.

Bf's brother, sis in law, and niece arrive. They bring 2 pies: 1 apple crumb pie and one pecan pie with a slice missing from it. Classy as hell.
Food finishes up. I completely carve a chicken. Eat with family.

Lucille makes joke about how she thought Texans only ate beef for Thanksgiving. I didn't find it funny at all. "No... Thanksgiving is exactly the same in Texas. Nothing different."
Awkward.
I accidentally bite my tongue. Bf's dad says "Well at least it's not my tongue," I jokingly say, "No, that comes later... kidding lol"
Awkward again.
Contemplate never opening my mouth to speak around people. Anxiety kicks in. Then the better part of my brain tells me that people say weird things all the time.

Full, tired, escape to laptop.

Boring shit.

I've been pretty good when it comes to participating in contest here at Neocodex. The only ones I've not entered since I became active again are ones that I don't possess the skills to enter (SOTW, Photographica, etc.). But the ones I have entered? So much fun. I love contests here.

So I recently ended up hosting the Customization Contest (#13), and--surprisingly--I enjoyed hosting! I was really nervous at first, but now that it's all over, I'm really excited to host my next contest, whatever it may be!

Before hosting, I had thought up some ideas for contests, but now that I've actually hosted one, my contest idea juices are flowing. xD So here's what I'm thinking of hosting (please don't steal!)... Also, if you have any critiques or anything, let me know!

• Poetry Contest - I searched the forums and it seems that there was only ever 2 poetry contests. I'd like to get that up and going. Am I even allowed to pick up where they left off, or can/do I start my own recurring Poetry Contest?
• Haiku Contest - There have been no Haiku contests here, to my knowledge at least. I know people would enter this, but... hmm.
• Pokémon Fusion Contest - So, you know those Pokémon fusions that circulated the internets about 2-3 years or so ago, and you still see some cool/funny ones every now and then? Yeah, I wanna host a contest where people use the Pokémon Fusion thing to create their own fusion. But how would I go about doing that? I would like it to be a recurring contest, but how? Themes? But what would the themes be...? Creepy, Funny, Cool...? I could do make it to where every PF contest would be the different Pokémon personality types (the 25 Natures).

Example:


I can see where that idea can be rather complicated/difficult, but meh I'm at a loss for how to do that one. Perhaps themed like the Customization Contest sorta? Themes like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas? No, that would be difficult too... blah. I dunno. HALP.

But yeah, I really wanna host another contest soon!

So, as you all know, yesterday was really rough for me.
After a suggestion from the bf last night, today we traded in my PC version of Dragon Age: Inquisition Deluxe Edition for the PS4 version.
There were no issues at all with the exchange and it went well it seems, (thanks Gamestop!!) as I had everything saved--the return policy, the product list receipt thingy, etc. Literally I was getting the same thing but for a different platform anyway lol.

But yeah, I'm feeling a lot better now! Everything's installed properly and VERY quickly, too. Hehe.


I'm just a little nervous because I've played the other DA games ONLY on PC. I'm more of a PC gamer anyway, but I just feel like DA is best experienced on PC. Maybe that's just me, though.

But hey, I'll live with it! Playing DA:I on the PS4 just means I'll experience MUCH less lag, and MUCH better graphics than this wonky laptop. *pats it*

Anyway, thanks all for your encouragement and support. I'm probably going to feel much better now. We'll see. *knocks on wood*

What I wanted to do today:

• Play Dragon Age: Inquisition

What I didn't do today:

• Play Dragon Age: Inquisition

What I did instead:

• Waited anxiously for the UPS driver
• Downloaded Dragon Age: Inquisition
• Became agitated because it said the download finished but it was frozen on "installing..."
• Restarted computer in an attempt to fix issue
• Issue seemed fixed, until I booted up the game, stared in awe at the Title screen, but then it froze
• Froze for fucking good
• Tried to alt tab then tab back, small black box on pure white screen
• Ctrl Alt Delete
• Dragon Age problem
• Tried to reload game
• SAME PROBLEM
• Cried out in frustration
• Uninstalled game
• Reinstalled game
• Same problem
• Got Blue Screen Of Death'd
• Restarted computer maybe 10 times total today
• Envisioned ways to kill self brutally
• Hated myself
• Sulked
• Had pity on myself
• More sulking
• Cursed the world because everything has been piling up on me lately
• Cursed the world for giving me a crappy life since birth
• Cursed self for blaming issues on the world
• Cursed my existence again
• Contemplated cutting
• Felt defeated
• Contemplated giving up on everything

Sorry that you read this. It's depressing and pathetic, I know.
Very pathetic. I'm a pathetic person who has always been dealt shitty, pathetic cards in this game of life.

Cup #2 of coffee.

Just finished a game of League of Legends to get that win of the day with the bf, 303 IP ain't bad at all! Free 3 day win boost.

I've really got to pee, but this happened:


How dare you do this to me.

It's been stuck like that for about an hour or so.

Gonna restart the compy, pee, come back and hope the data isn't corrupted or anything.

Perhaps a third cup of coffee if still experiencing problems.

I'm gonna be so wired, but it'll be worth it in the end.

I wanna live stream it, but I wanna enjoy the game. I wanna live tweet it, but I wanna enjoy the game. Woe is me.

I'll likely do a casual playthrough, then record a second playthrough with different choices.

The Keep is nice, I managed to finish all that before the UPS guy delivered the beloved package.

Let's hope I don't spend 2-3+ hours on character creation. I'm still struggling to think of a name!
I know for sure I'm going for a Female Inquisitor. Just feels right.
But who to romance? What should her personality be?

My Cousland from DA:O is a sweetheart who is tough when needed, but she cares for others and their welfare.
Hence why she married Alistair and rules alongside him.

My Hawke, also a female, is a cold, ruthless warrior who cares for nothing except her family and loved ones, but is very strict when it comes to morals. You fucked up? You will be punished. You're evil? Die.
Don't fuck with my family, especially Bethany. Bethany is my little sister and I'll kill you if you so much as look at her wrong.
Merrill is a cutie, and it's difficult to be harsh on her... how can I resist? She cracked open that shell of mine, she's the only one with the key to my stone heart. She peeled away that soft shell and decided that she'd be by my side through thick and thin.

So my Inquisitor... female. That's all I got so far. She'll be a leader, for sure. "Lead them or fall."
But looks? Personality? Romance? Asdf.

I'm so engorged with Dragon Age and I haven't even played a single second of it yet.