Boggy Blog

This is more of a "personal journal entry" but if you want to read it, then I welcome you!

Hello! My name is Boggart, IRL people call me Chris and I was a very active member in the past. Ever since I started medical school I've been very busy and haven't had enough time for my Codex family That's basically all you need to know about me to understand this story (whether those details were necessary is actually up for debate).

Anyway, this little entry is about "hard times" in your life and I'm going to use video games as a metaphor.

Back in February, someone I was dating and I broke up. I'm not really going to into details about it, but it didn't end well and I was pretty upset about it.
Normally when I'm upset, I like to get myself really involved into work (like physically working) to get my mind off things. But since for the first time in 7 years I'm not working part-time with school, I didn't have that option. So I turned to video games. Specifically, League of Legends (I've been playing for about 4 years on-and-off casually. Don't judge).

There's a game mode on there called "All Random All Mid" which is basically a fun game mode where you don't get to pick your characters and you just go nuts. Because of the nature of the game, sometimes you'll have an awesome character and sometimes you'll have a shitty character/team. The game is NOT supposed to be taken that seriously.

Anyway, before the break up, I had played about 900 games. my win rate was 50:50 (or 450 wins/450 losses which kinda makes sense in the situation I described above if you know basic statistics).

However, post break-up, as I had previously said, I started playing LoL to get my mind off things. However, I was so distraught I didn't actually focus on the game. I had played 30 games in about a week, and my record was 8/22. This is WAY off my normal 50/50 by a fair margin. I knew exactly why it happened. But unfortunately, my new score of 458/472 was staring at me regarding how much my ex affected me. It was a number. Physical evidence that I was upset. No matter how much I pretended I didn't care, no matter how much I simply said "whatever he's not good enough for me" or what have you, this 458/472 showed that this person clearly meant something to me and us breaking up affected me.There was no point denying it. So I took steps to mourn properly and actually dealt with my emotions.

But of course, life continues on. So while I was actively grieving, I was also constantly studying for school, trying to grow up, making new connections in the medical community and trying to stay sane amongst all the craziness that is med school. Slowly I thought about my ex less often. I learned to accept what happened sucked, but it's part of life. My self-esteem slowly returned and I started to become my normal self again. I still played League of Legends every so often, but not as a way to ignore my problems so much, but just because I had some time and it was a good way to unwind after a long day.

Today as I finished playing another game, I noticed my score: 504/504. I'm back to my 50:50 ratio of win/lose.

Now, what is the point of this entire entry? As lame as this sounds, the score was a pretty apt metaphor of what was going on in my life. Sometimes, life will knock you down and you won't be yourself for a while. You'll drop below your normal and go down to a rough patch. But if you take the time to grieve and actively move on, sooner or later, you'll get back to where you were. You might not notice at the time, but one day you'll realize "woah, I'm back to 50:50. I'm back to my normal self." That thing you thought you'd never get over seems like a relatively distant memory. And instead, you've just grown as a person and realize you're way stronger than you thought.

So that's all I wanted to say. I felt like writing something. I must admit that this break-up was not nearly as bad or as long as I've had in the past. But in the moment, it was very rough. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm good now and I won't let someone bring me down for long and it kinda took a video game as proof to make me realize I've healed. Maybe it's a bit of a reach, but I don't really care haha. Having a physical marker of how far I've come is reassuring to me.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend,

Boggy

Greetings earthlings,

So I know this is a bit late but i've been a bit busy avoiding my responsibilities.

Last week on Halloween, my class and I all got into costume and do a reverse-trick-or-treating for a Children's Hospital in our city. In other words, we all got dressed in costumes and went to a hospital and gave candy to the kids who were too sick to go trick-or-treating. We would go into different floors of the hospital, and put candy in their boxes/bags.

Attached is the photo of my class and my costumes.




I dressed up as Ryu from Street Fighter. I thought that it was a relatively known character and I was short on time, so it was quick, easy and recognizable. Perfect, I thought.

So if you don't know what Ryu looks like, then here is an attached photo:

[spoiler]



So basically I got a white shirt, ripped it, then found some things to make a belt and sash on my head. It was a little bit "revealing" but no more than necessary for the sake of the costume. You could basically see middle of my sternum.

Anyway, when I got there, I got a ton of comments. But not necessarily good comments. I got a lot of:

"Woah, way to be super revealing, Chris!"
"Oh, so you're like a ninja?"
"Are you Goku?"
"Are you Lu Kang from that 'finish him' game?"

But mostly:

"I have no idea what 'Ryu' or 'Street Fighter' is"

Needless to say, I felt foolish. Here I am wearing a ripped shirt and some random stuff tied around my body to pay tribute to one of my favourite games, and no one has any idea what I am and think I'm just trying to show off my non-existent muscles. I was pretty happy with the results of the costume and it was also quite a let down that almost no one knew what I was. But of course, I couldn't just go home because I had children to give candy to. So I walked with the rest of my class to give candy to sick/dying children.

That alone was an experience in itself. Some of the kids were so happy to see us that it melted my cold-robot heart. And the parents looked so grateful/happy to see their kids so happy that it really did lift our spirits. But every so often I would pass by a classmate and get a comment like "Ah quick and easy kung-fu person right?" and my spirits would drop a little. I just kinda wish I had a change of clothes or had thought of a less embarrassing costume.
This went on for about an hour, when I finally went into this little boy's room. He was about 10 and was hooked up to nasal prongs (ventilator to help him breathe) but he was sitting up right on the bed. As I did with every room, I went inside, gave him a wagon wheel, said "Happy Halloween!" and then turned away to go to the next room (because there were tons). As I turned around I heard the little boy start shouting excitedly

"wait! He's... he's... he's... HE'S STREET FIGHTER!"

I quickly turned around, yelled "HADOUKEN" with the fireball motion, and I heard him yell "YAY! HE DID IT! HE DID IT!" I smiled, waved and then headed to the next room.

After that moment, I didn't give a flying fuck what my classmates thought. Whether they teased me or just said "I have no idea what you are", I didn't care anymore. Because i made that little guy's day. And that was the entire reason we did it, after all.

We then went to a party, where I got even more comments about what the heck I was (one girl even said I was presenting an example that "guys can dress like sluts too"), but I really didn't care. That kid totally made my day.

I don't know why I wanted to share, but basically, why the fuck does no one know who Ryu is.

I hope everyone had a nice Halloween,

Boggy

I have a question for you all:

Have you had to end a friendship, not because they did something wrong, not because they are a bad friend, not because they smell really bad, but because the friendship is simply too much for you to handle?

I recently had to end a friendship with someone with whom I was really close. The reason I had to end it was because of his attitude and his views on life; he was a very negative person. Whenever any thing happened his reflex was to shut down and basically stop functioning as a person. He would spend hours complaining about every little detail and he wasn't even in the mindset of "I need to stop being so negative and see the good." He more believed "everyone in this entire world sucks. Fuck everyone and everything except for myself."
It might be obvious to say that it's not easy being friends with someone like that. Because when he says stuff like "fuck everyone" that kinda includes me. I'm a part of everyone. Are you saying I suck?

He was also extremely blunt and unempathetic. He doesn't understand that other people have struggles and he doesn't realize that he says very (unintentionally) hurtful things on a regular basis.

I'm basically at a point of my life where I'm about to make a huge transition into a professional field and I will definitely be needing support and people who care about me during all of it. I do not, however, have enough energy to deal with someone who constantly patronizes me and dismisses my problems as "stupid shit" because his life is 100000x more worse than mine.

I do feel bad for ending the friendship (even though it's not exactly a one-sided situation. He had issues with me as well since I often get pissed off with him when he says something extremely rude), but I feel like it's something that I need to do.

I talked to a few people about what I did/how I felt, and they all shared stories about ending friendships because it was just something they needed to do. And it definitely made me feel better but I still feel really down. At this point, he has one friend left; he's pushed away everyone else and I was his best friend. He's lost his best friend and I feel like I've removed a weight off my shoulders. I feel bad for feeling relieved.

Anyone wanna share? It might help me in this... time of blehhh.

As a human being IRL, I have quite a few friends. And they can be broken down into a pie chart like so:

Anyway, as you may see, almost all my friends are straight females. The fact that i have few homosexual male/female friends is simply because I don't meet very many. However I get along with most homosexual men/women just fine (except lesbians because it's in my genetics to antagonize them for I am a man. FEMINISM FOR ALL. #YesAllWomen)

So assuming that I meet as many straight males as I do straight females, why are straight males not my friends? Well there are multiple reasons (such as I find most guys have an extremely low EQ, regardless of their sexual orientation), but the biggest reason is because this conversation will inevitably occur:

Me: [Somehow brought up that I have a sister]

Male Soon-To-Be-Not-Friend: Is she hot?



EVERY. DAMN. TIME. They will ask me this question and I will no longer want to be their friend.

You may ask "why? What's the big deal?"

It's because of this situation that I am now facing. What am I allowed to say? Options:

1) Yeah, she's hot.
Result: I'm calling my sister hot. Incest is not wincest unless it's on the internet.

2) No, she's ugly
Result: Since my sister and I share 50% of my DNA, I'm insulting 50% of myself.

3) None of your damn business
Result: They bother me until I say either 1 or 2.

Now in my specific situation, most of you know that my sister is in fact, the attractive one of the family. So I would never call her ugly to strangers. But I also know if I go directly to option 1, people will then ask me for pics, if she's single, etc. It's super fucking annoying and I have literally ended potential friendships because I'm so annoyed at them. Do I ask if you have brothers and if they're hot and how big his D is? No, because I have class motherfucker. I'll pay him $20 and find out how good his dick game is.

I normally take Option 4, which is basically the option of "I no longer want to be your friend and don't care what you think about me"

4) Yeah she's sexy as hell. If we weren't related I would totally bang her.
Result: They walk away from me and we never speak again.



And God forbid they actually find pictures of my sister or see her IRL. Then the harassment never stops. I've gotten enough 10/10 would bang from guys I barely know to basically assume that I'm too protective and my sister is too attractive for me to have straight male friends. Which is fine because I don't like sportsball anyway.



On a side note:

Faux-pas of the White Girl:

Similar situation, except usually girls are more classy and won't directly ask about what my sister looks like. So this situation doesn't happen as often and only occurs when they see her IRL:

Girl: *sees my sister* Chris, is that your sister?! (99% of my friends are white so the only Asian female is usually my sister)

Me: Yup. That's her.

Girl: *utter surprise* Wow! She's really pretty!

Me: *completely straight faced* Oh? Why are you so surprised? Is it because someone related to me can't be attractive?

Girl: (usually flabbergasted): No! No! It's just, I dunno! like! um! I didn't know what she looked like! You're attractive too! You both are! I didn't mean to be insulting!

I then usually laugh and just tell them I'm fucking with them. I thrive on awkwardness



These are my struggles in life.

You know what compliment I get a lot?

"You're tall for an Asian"

I'm 5'8, which isn't really tall by anyone's standards, but apparently I'm "tall for an Asian". Fantastic.That doesn't really offend me; my city has a very high percentage of Filipinos and many males are ~5'2 - 5'5 so in comparison, I appear taller.

But I can never really get over the "compliment":

"You're hot for an Asian."



For those of you who don't understand why this is offensive, the subtext is "You are attractive despite the fact that you are handicapped for being Asian."

Now, I'm not going to start into a campaign about "Asians are attractive that is offensive" bla bla bla because we're not on Tumblr where everything is offensive and everyone is a shitlord. I just don't see the necessity of pointing out race on something that is so extremely subjective (whether someone is attractive or not).

The thing is, 100% of the people who have told me the above compliment, have been White females. And they genuinely think that what they're saying is nice. As if I"m supposed to be flattered



As a sarcastic little asshole myself, I don't really mind saying something mildly offensive to me because I can usually go with the flow and retaliate with something equally backhanded. But in this instance I can't! When it comes to White people, I don't think there is a general physical defect. Sure, the stereotype is that White people are stupid, but all of my friends are White and rather intelligent. So that insult doesn't work. People think of White people being overweight but as we know with 1/3 of the total population of the Earth being overweight, that doesn't really apply to just White people anymore. They're not even susceptible to lactose intolerance or alcohol.

The only thing about White people is that they age at the same rate of a post-halloween pumpkin.


kill me

And if I say "Wow, you age very well for a White person" then that's just a straight up compliment or non-sequitur since people who say this to me are in their early 20's. Without something with which to retaliate, I have no power in the situation and just go "uh, thanks?"

The only thing I can think of that is semi-related would be "oh, thanks. You're pretty well mannered for a White person."

And that's pretty weak sauce.

the struggle

So since this is the time to give thanks or some gay shit in the States and since the States is superior to Canada I guess I might as well comply.

I'm thankful for all you lame folk. I have met some amazing people who've gotten me through some very hard times. And sure sometimes you people CAUSE the hard times in my life (no I don't mean penis erections) I'm still thankful I joined this site over 4 years ago. Whether it's just talking on the forum or on tinychat or sending me postcards or letters, thank you.

I have kept every card or letter that has been sent to me from you folk and I have tried to display or put them on my wall as a constant reminder that y'all are cool sometimes. Proof:




If you've sent me something and you don't see yourself on my wall (you also have very good vision) it's probably on display on my shelf. I love snail mail. I need to send some back as I promised. My bad!
Happy Thanksgiving.

P.S. All I want for Christmas is Kate's nudes.

There are many stereotypes out there. Especially when dealing with race.

• Jews are cheap
• Asians have squinty eyes
• Mexicans are lazy
• Black people have the most even tan.

And there are many more. But there is one stereotype that transcends all race:

Gay men are promiscuous.

It doesn't matter if you're Black, White, Asian, Native American or whatever. If you're a gay male, you sleep around.

This is my opinion as to why (this might not apply so much to Europeans, but I think it holds true to most other places):

When is the first time people first start discovering their preferences? In my opinion, middle school and/or high school. These "preferences" can range from the preferred race, height, build, personality, age or even gender. Maybe you like people with criminal records. Kinky.

High school and middle school is the time for many people to have their first loves; the first love where you're blinded by love and you think "we're going to be together forever". The first love where you usually fight a lot but tell yourself "but (s)he's my soulmate. We fight but I know we're meant to be together. I'll make this work." The first love where you get cheated on despite it all. Or the first love you threw away when last week you were convinced you were in love. The first love where you yell "no one understands us!!!" even though your parents went through the same thing at your age. Everyone knows that your relationship won't last long, but you refuse to believe them. When you're 15 or 16 and filled with hormones and the most important thing in life is self-expression and self-discovery; this is what happens for so many people in high school.

Unless you're gay.

If you're gay, you can't tell anyone you're gay for sake of being bullied. High school is about self-repression. For four years, you chase guys that are unobtainable. Often, gay men stay virgins throughout high school. They secretly pine over a guy that will never want them back because they're straight. Their self-esteem and self-worth takes a huge dive after four years of no affection even though you want it badly. Sometimes, being straight is just so much "the norm", that people don't even realize that they could be gay. Of course there are exceptions, but I would say that the majority of gay men went through high school as a closeted virgin in my generation, and generations past.

Then, you leave high school. After 4 years of being sexually frustrated, you enter a world where you can get laid within the hour.

You are (for the most part) exposed to a world where being gay is accepted (maybe just in Canada). You meet gay people. There are apps on your smartphone just for meeting other gay men and fuckin 5 year olds have smart phones nowadays. People in the first grade are all given iPads from the school and I don't even own an iPad. Fuck that. Anyway, after so much time without any affection, it becomes as easy as a handshake to get sex from another man. You start to discover what you prefer in another guy. You finally start to understand what you prefer in another person. It may match your hypothetical wants of a guy with a 6-pack and well dressed; or maybe you discover you actually like petite guys with body hair. The world is your oyster. And you can fuck that oyster. Hard. Your self-esteem starts to become higher after as you start to be with more and more guys. Your self-respect, however, does not.

You become almost addicted to being with different guys because it's one way to show you that you're attractive. You're in your early 20's and many of your straight friends are in long-term relationships, but you're still discovering what you like and who you are as a gay man. Maybe you meet your first love, and you go through all the emotions that straight people did when they were 15. Sometimes after being single for so long, many gay men are used to and completely happy with being single. The fact that you're dealing with two men where getting sex is extremely easy doesn't help anyone remain faithful. You and your first love break-up for whatever reason and your self-esteem plummets. You revert to what raises your self-esteem, even if only for a while. You start sleeping around again. And this time you can do anything you want and that other guy won't make you stop at one fist. Put both fists up there muthafucka.

Besides, why rush to settle down? You can't accidentally get pregnant. Plus, your other gay friend slept with 15 people last year and you only slept with 9. You're such a loser. The point is, it's totally acceptable that gay men are promiscuous that there's almost no stigma for you to hook up with a different person every week. You don't even need to be sensitive to the other person. They're also a guy. They won't get attached. You don't need a bail-out strategy or some lame excuse about why you don't want to see them after tonight. It's just sex. They'll understand.

This cycle can continue for a long time. When the cycle breaks from person to person and of course, is a very big generalization. Maybe the cycle ends when you're in your early 20's. Maybe your late 20's. Maybe it never happens and you're that 40 year old white guy preying on the vulnerable young gay guys that are fresh out of high school. It doesn't matter the age, the race or your tax bracket; if you want sex, you can still get it easily. And maybe you're perfectly happy being single in your 40's. Society says we should pair off, but fuck society. In fact, butt fuck society. Society also tells us that we shouldn't eat nachos every day and that's stupid.

So yeah most of this shouldn't be news to most people. The point is, the lack of affection and self-discovery in high school really stunts emotional growth for gay men. Gay guys ages 17-23 are almost expected to whore themselves out a little as a part of self-discovery. Maybe when you're in your late 20's you're expected to "know better", but until then, go ahead and stick it in the butt. You're allowed to. The emotional maturity of gay men are usually significantly younger than their actual age. Admit it. Sometimes it's adorable, but after a while, it gets tiring dealing with things that seem obvious since you dealt with it 8 years ago.

Your friend recently comes out of the closet, and they also tell you they've fooled around with 7 guys in the past two months. You just pat them on the head and say "oh silly you. Just be safe and use protection." and that's how the conversation goes. I know a guy who's slept with over 40 people in 2 years. And that's not uncommon. Not at all. In fact, being a gay male who doesn't sleep around almost seems like a disadvantage because you won't be as sexually experienced as everyone else. We're almost encouraged to have sex with any butt hole attached to two legs and a taint.

I'm just ranting now. Somehow Wednesday is my weekly blog day. Cool. Have fun. Stay safe. And Call me.

Boggart

P.S. I'm awful in bed so don't expect a good time if you call me.

As some of you know, I used to be quite fat. I was 200 pounds at 5'5 at 16, so I was a giant, stubby, round little Asian mofo. Between the ages of 17-19, I lost 60 pounds with diet and exercise. It's been 3 years since then and I'm now sitting at 150 at 5'7 which I'm not extremely happy with, but it'll do pig, it'll do.

This is what I've learned about being in shape AFTER being fat:

• People treat me way less shitty when I'm in shape.
• I feel less shitty about myself when I'm in shape than when I was fat.
• I feel much more guilty when I eat an unhealthy meal than I did when I was fat.
• I can get away with a lot more shit now that I'm less ugly
• I'm never happy with how I look. I tell myself "Once I reach _____ pounds, I'll be happy!" When I reach that, I'm still not satisfied.
• I'm constantly afraid that I'll gain the weight back and revert to a life where people treat me different just because of the way I look.
• I judge those who are fat. I think "If I can lose the weight with hard work, why can't they? They're clearly lazy" even though I know exactly how they feel/felt.
• People who've never been fat will never understand how we feel.

I am now going to try and address the last point:

Disclaimer: Before I start, I don't want people to think that people like me have a chip on our shoulder or are self-entitled to our self-esteem issues. I just wanna express what people like me go through every day.

People who meet me after the age of 19 never believe that I used to be really fat. I have had to show people my stretch marks as proof (sexxxyyyyyy). Those who did know me when I was fat, basically say "I always forget that you used to be fat." I, however, never forget that I used to be fat. I see the signs everyday that remind me every day (such as a sign saying 2 burgers for $4). I have the same thoughts as I did before I lost the weight. Those thoughts that came from being fat don't just go away. It's not a phase. It's a part of who I am.

Sorry to generalize, but for the most part, people aren't fat due to zero fault of their own. While there are many factors that contribute to one's weight, I still believe that if people changed their life style, most people could be in shape. In the past, I blamed everyone but myself for being fat. But at the end of the day, I was fat for a few reasons:

1) I loved food. Still do. But at the time, knew nothing about nutrition.
2) I hated being active because I was so large, I felt useless and embarrassed for being worse than everyone else.
3) I simply liked video games more than sports. Why work out when I can make my Sims guy work out?
4) Exercising sucks and I can't take these chicken fingers and fries with me while I work out.

I didn't have a gland problem; I didn't have a genetic predisposition to weight retention; I wasn't born with diabetes or anything; it was very simple why I was fat: Too much food and lack of physical activity. At 16, I started actually reading about nutrition and slowly became more active and ate less/better. As I started to lose weight, I could tell people started to treat me better. I got compliments from friends and family. Clothes fit me better. I became less embarrassed to go shopping because I could wear Mediums instead of XL's. Losing weight felt good, so I kept going. At one point, I was almost at the brink of an eating disorder because I got hooked on losing weight, feeling good, "being healthy" and other people treating me better (that's not really the point of this blog, just know that weight loss can make people do crazy things)

People who used to be fat are not the same as people who are still fat. We actively (for the most part) lost the weight because we hated the way we looked/felt. I know many overweight people who embrace and love themselves regardless of how they look, and good for them! I, on the other hand, hated myself enough to lose the weight by doing things I hated and ignoring things I enjoyed. We never loved our fat selves; we hated it. To us, being fat is a constant reminder of us not being good enough.

And here's my point as to why fat people never get over being fat: we're indirectly told every day to not re-gain the weight. It's not just society and magazines that pressure us to keep fit, but our friends and family say the exact same thing. People we care about and new people that we meet compliment us on how we look. People who don't know that we used to be fat make fun or tease people who are still fat. We're conditioned to think that our old way of life is evil and wrong.

In other words, everyone is telling us that a very real part of us, is evil. The "fat part" of me is still very much alive. There isn't a day that goes by where I prefer eating carrots with a small portion of hummus and then going for a run over eating a fully loaded plate of nachos and then playing video games for hours. Every day I suppress my wanting of eating fried, sugary, decadent, delicious and unhealthy foods. And the days that I do indulge, I hate that I let "that other part" of me take over, even if it's just for a day. People act as if "Good job! Now you're a healthy person who doesn't have those evil, evil urges! You've changed!"

No. We just repress it. We ignore it. We've been conditioned to believe that what we're doing now is good, and what we used to do is bad. But the part of us that tells us to eat eat eat isn't gone, we've just gotten better at ignoring it. It'll never go away. It'll always be a part of us. Every single day, we hate a part of us. Not only do we hate a part of ourselves, the better we get at hating a part of ourselves, the more other people compliment us. They say "Good job being healthy!" but we hear "good job looking better by ignoring and hating a very real part about yourself. If you stop hating yourself, other people will hate you instead."

Yes I'm being extreme. No, I'm not exaggerating that much. How are we ever supposed to be happy with ourselves when a part of staying thin is continually hating a part of ourselves? Self-esteem is how much you love yourself; all of yourself. How are we supposed to have healthy self-esteem when we're told a part of us is bad. Society says that you should be happy with the skin we're in, but for those of us who have felt the extreme differences between being fat and being thin, we know that people are treated differently based on how they look. We understand that it's good to be healthy and active, but again, we were fat for a reason. We don't start "enjoying" exercise; we enjoy the effects of exercise, or more likely, we hate the feeling of guilt when we don't exercise. We don't start preferring salads over french fries; we just decide that eating a salad makes us hate ourselves less than eating fries.

When people say "oh, you've gained weight", we panic. Even if no one says anything to us, we can almost sense that people are thinking it. We're afraid of losing all the things that we didn't have when we were larger. We don't want to start thinking "are those people laughing at me because I don't fit this shirt anymore?", but we do. Those are the moments we subvert to temptation and continue to gain more weight, or we need to crack down and guilt ourselves back to denying our wants.

So to all you people who have never been fat: don't tease and say, "Why are you ordering a salad? Real men don't eat salad," or "Oh come on it's ONE piece of cake. You can afford it," if we've decided to have a healthier alternative. Chances are we're not feeling great about ourselves and we don't want to make ourselves feel worse. If we complain because we've gained five pounds, don't patronize us for freaking out and overreacting. If we seem to be fishing for compliments, don't lie to us, but maybe throw us a bone if we look good that day to show us that it's worth all the effort we're putting in. And mostly, don't pity us. If we start to regain the weight,don't tell us we haven't. We're very aware of our own bodies. What scares us is that while we know we can lose the weight with enough will-power, the lack of this same will-power can cause us to regain all the weight. I doubt many of us who were fat actively TRIED to gain weight. It just happened. We're afraid that we'll get fat, and it'll "just happen" again.

However, it's comforting to know that since we've lost the weight once, we can do it again with enough will-power. Our weight may take a back-seat once in a while and it might mean we're unhappy and are turning to food for comfort, or we're just simply too busy to find the motivation right now, but we know we can do it again. We take pride in the fact that we lost a significant amount of weight with hard work. Sometimes we overcompensate our confidence because of it. Sometimes we just seem to never have good self-esteem. Being fat really does mess with your mind and it's a "one day at a time" process for me. So please try and understand what we go through every single day, and don't tell us to "look in the mirror and look at how good you look now." Don't think that we always hate ourselves and that we're never happy with the way we look. Just understand that some days are worse than others, and we have very legitimate reasons for feeling crappy sometimes. If anything, we're so happy with our progress and how we look that we're just afraid of losing it all.

If you used to be fat and don't feel these things, then you're clearly just more well adjusted than I am.

Boggy

P.S. I sound kinda bitter but I'm not. I'm currently wearing an XS shirt and 30-inch waist pants so yay?

Hey all. So for those of you who don't know me, I'm Boggart and I was a very active member in the past.

This is basically an update as to what I've been up to in this past year, and presently.

So as most of you know, I was in my first serious relationship back in March 2012. It was a really good relationship for awhile that took up most of my time because we spent 6-7 days a week together and lived super close to each other so any and all spare time was spent together. Being my first relationship, I didn't see the crazy amount of problems we had. Things were great in March and April, and it slowly began to decline as of May 2012.

In August of 2012, I basically realized that I was working at a dead-end job. I was there for 3 years and I was making the same wage as someone who I was training and I was the best worker there by far. I had all the knowledge and basically, the responsibilities of supervisor who makes $18 an hour but I got paid crap. When I talked to my boss and asked for a well-deserved raise, he basically said "if I give you a raise, then I have to give everyone a raise. Sorry unions LOL". I quit shortly after that and found a shitty job working at Perkins as a bus-boy. Making even less, with people who I was unfamiliar with at a job that was even more degrading.

In September, I returned to the choir where my (now) ex and I met. The people in the choir were fucked up and basically didn't give a shit about me and believe me, I tried being friendly and making friends. No matter what I did, no one seemed to like me and getting along with everyone is my thing. I basically got depressed every time I went to choir rehearsal because I just felt so unwelcome and unwanted.

In October, my ex cheated on me and we broke up. It was really out of the blue and slapped me across the face. It was so dramatic on both sides with him begging for me back and saying he'll kill himself if I don't forgive him and me just constantly crying because he betrayed me. People in the choir took his side even though he cheated on me. He still texted me everyday alternating between wanting me back and saying he wanted to see other people. He started dating someone two weeks after he cheated within the same choir (not telling him that he cheated on me when he broke up).

In November, I started becoming way closer with people from musical theatre in two months than I did with my choir after a year and a half. Compounded with my ex just constantly sending me awful, awful hurtful texts, I decided to leave my choir even though I love music. My job at Perkins was super shitty, and I hated working. I basically hated everything. My sister, my confidant, went to South Africa to volunteer and I was so alone. I'm not out to my parents for my own safety, so I couldn't even talk to them. I had to pretend nothing was going on even though I just wanted to talk to them about it.

In December was finals. I did pretty poorly on my finals due to my emotional state. But my friend and I drove to another province so he could propose to his girlfriend who was there for (3 weeks of) school. That was a highlight. But otherwise, I basically became depressed. Genuinely depressed. I had no motivation for life anymore. The last few months showed me that the main mantra of how I was raised "if you try hard enough, you will succeed", was bullshit. It wasn't true with my choir (friends), work, relationships, or school. I just felt "what's the point of doing anything when doing nothing is so much easier?". I became self-destructive.

In January, I met my other ex whose name is Shaun. He really helped me realize that I was in an extremely toxic relationship with my other ex and that I was, in fact, worth something. Around the same time I got a job as a waiter at a sushi restaurant which had GREAT tips. I became closer with my musical theatre friends and I was spending more time with my other friends because I was the best-man at my friend's wedding so I got to hang out with them way more than last semester. My one friend, Janaiya, was really supportive even though I was super depressed and mostly just horrible company during this entire time. I'm not exaggerating when I say she potentially saved my life because I was on such a destructive path and she made sure I didn't do anything I would regret.

In March, Shaun and I broke up. I had to end things because he had his own issues, and I wasn't strong enough to deal with them when I was going through my own problems. I still feel like a dick for doing it because he was a super sweet guy who would never hurt me unlike my last ex, but the timing was just all wrong. I wasn't able to listen to him talk about his problems when I was still recovering from my own depression. I cried a lot when we broke up, but I knew it was the right choice for me.

This summer, I was working, spending a shit-ton of time with my friends, and studying for the MCAT. I really realized how much I love me-time because I deserve me time. People say I need to be more selfish, but no, I just need some time for me. My best friend got married, I wrote my MCAT, and had to say goodbye to Janaiya as she went to Europe for law. It was a great summer full of amazing and bitter-sweet times.

Currently, I'm back in school finishing my honours project with a prof studying gonadal development in C. Elegans. I got my MCAT score back not too long ago and I'm pretty happy with it, especially for a first write. I applied to med schools across the country last weekend and I'm waiting to hear back from interviews. I joined a different choir where I knew most of the people from musical theatre, and I'm taking another year of musical theatre with so many people that I genuinely care about, and care about me. Life is back on track, and I'm happy to say that whatever depression I had is gone and that... life is good I'm single, as i want to be, and while school still sucks, it's nice to be able to say "I'm happy" and actually mean it.

I doubt anyone will read all of this, but I just wanted to update the people who I used to talk to on the daily here, if you're all still around. Codex is my internet family and I genuinely have missed a lot of you. <3

tl;dr

I was in a shitty job, a shitty relationships, had shitty people in my life and within a few months of each other, it all blew up in my face. I got sad, it slowly got better, and now I'm happy with life and I love Neocodex.

Boggy

So I was in a show like two weeks ago. One of the songs was put on YouTube so I thought I might post it here for those who wanna see it.

I'm the Asian one. Duh.