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Why Boggart Can't Have Straight Male Friends

Posted by Boggart, 03 June 2014 · 1406 views

kate clothed i have like three friends all female actually i have no gay male friends either hmmm
As a human being IRL, I have quite a few friends. And they can be broken down into a pie chart like so:
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Anyway, as you may see, almost all my friends are straight females. The fact that i have few homosexual male/female friends is simply because I don't meet very many. However I get along with most homosexual men/women just fine (except lesbians because it's in my genetics to antagonize them for I am a man. FEMINISM FOR ALL. #YesAllWomen)

So assuming that I meet as many straight males as I do straight females, why are straight males not my friends? Well there are multiple reasons (such as I find most guys have an extremely low EQ, regardless of their sexual orientation), but the biggest reason is because this conversation will inevitably occur:

Me: [Somehow brought up that I have a sister]

Male Soon-To-Be-Not-Friend: Is she hot?

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EVERY. DAMN. TIME. They will ask me this question and I will no longer want to be their friend.

You may ask "why? What's the big deal?"

It's because of this situation that I am now facing. What am I allowed to say? Options:

1) Yeah, she's hot.
Result: I'm calling my sister hot. Incest is not wincest unless it's on the internet.

2) No, she's ugly
Result: Since my sister and I share 50% of my DNA, I'm insulting 50% of myself.

3) None of your damn business
Result: They bother me until I say either 1 or 2.

Now in my specific situation, most of you know that my sister is in fact, the attractive one of the family. So I would never call her ugly to strangers. But I also know if I go directly to option 1, people will then ask me for pics, if she's single, etc. It's super fucking annoying and I have literally ended potential friendships because I'm so annoyed at them. Do I ask if you have brothers and if they're hot and how big his D is? No, because I have class motherfucker. I'll pay him $20 and find out how good his dick game is.

I normally take Option 4, which is basically the option of "I no longer want to be your friend and don't care what you think about me"

4) Yeah she's sexy as hell. If we weren't related I would totally bang her.
Result: They walk away from me and we never speak again.

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And God forbid they actually find pictures of my sister or see her IRL. Then the harassment never stops. I've gotten enough 10/10 would bang from guys I barely know to basically assume that I'm too protective and my sister is too attractive for me to have straight male friends. Which is fine because I don't like sportsball anyway.

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On a side note:

Faux-pas of the White Girl:

Similar situation, except usually girls are more classy and won't directly ask about what my sister looks like. So this situation doesn't happen as often and only occurs when they see her IRL:

Girl: *sees my sister* Chris, is that your sister?! (99% of my friends are white so the only Asian female is usually my sister)

Me: Yup. That's her.

Girl: *utter surprise* Wow! She's really pretty!

Me: *completely straight faced* Oh? Why are you so surprised? Is it because someone related to me can't be attractive?

Girl: (usually flabbergasted): No! No! It's just, I dunno! like! um! I didn't know what she looked like! You're attractive too! You both are! I didn't mean to be insulting!

I then usually laugh and just tell them I'm fucking with them. I thrive on awkwardness

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These are my struggles in life.



Option 5: "She's 14." Doesn't matter how old she is in real life, say she is 14. Asians in their 20's can pass off as teenagers. I know for a fact I can =____= 

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Option 5: "She's 14." Doesn't matter how old she is in real life, say she is 14. Asians in their 20's can pass off as teenagers. I know for a fact I can =____= 

Good point. But I'm pretty sure it would just escalate to pedophilia jokes and that's just not okay.

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hi yes i am a white and straight male and we are friends
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I had the hardest time having straight male friends as well... but it was usually because I never felt a connection. And then it would annoy me because a lot of times that I would make straight friends would be that they would start flirting with me in really serious tones (I'd completely ignore it, because I didn't know if they were actually kidding or not). 

 

Bleh... bromance.

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If she is super pretty, I'd be surprised in any case because that means above average and by default most people are just not that.

 

According to that pie chart you have a lot of friends if I assume the straight male portion is a single person. I can't believe all other guys ask you about your sister *facepalm*

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I have plenty of straight male friends who don't bother me about my sister, and she's definitely the attractive one in the family.

 

Maybe it' s just a Canadian thing.

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maybe it's maybelline

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"No, because I have class motherfucker. I'll pay him $20 and find out how good his dick game is."

 

 

Lmfao classy enough to at least pay to find out the answer.. DUH!

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Just here for the pie chart.
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Just here for the pie chart.

I knew you would appreciate the pie chart

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