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I guess I've grown?
Posted by Boggart,
25 April 2015
·
974 views
kate clothed boggy blog procrastinating exam in two days ahhhhh
This is more of a "personal journal entry" but if you want to read it, then I welcome you!
Hello! My name is Boggart, IRL people call me Chris and I was a very active member in the past. Ever since I started medical school I've been very busy and haven't had enough time for my Codex family
That's basically all you need to know about me to understand this story (whether those details were necessary is actually up for debate).
Anyway, this little entry is about "hard times" in your life and I'm going to use video games as a metaphor.
Back in February, someone I was dating and I broke up. I'm not really going to into details about it, but it didn't end well and I was pretty upset about it.
Normally when I'm upset, I like to get myself really involved into work (like physically working) to get my mind off things. But since for the first time in 7 years I'm not working part-time with school, I didn't have that option. So I turned to video games. Specifically, League of Legends (I've been playing for about 4 years on-and-off casually. Don't judge).
There's a game mode on there called "All Random All Mid" which is basically a fun game mode where you don't get to pick your characters and you just go nuts. Because of the nature of the game, sometimes you'll have an awesome character and sometimes you'll have a shitty character/team. The game is NOT supposed to be taken that seriously.
Anyway, before the break up, I had played about 900 games. my win rate was 50:50 (or 450 wins/450 losses which kinda makes sense in the situation I described above if you know basic statistics).
However, post break-up, as I had previously said, I started playing LoL to get my mind off things. However, I was so distraught I didn't actually focus on the game. I had played 30 games in about a week, and my record was 8/22. This is WAY off my normal 50/50 by a fair margin. I knew exactly why it happened. But unfortunately, my new score of 458/472 was staring at me regarding how much my ex affected me. It was a number. Physical evidence that I was upset. No matter how much I pretended I didn't care, no matter how much I simply said "whatever he's not good enough for me" or what have you, this 458/472 showed that this person clearly meant something to me and us breaking up affected me.There was no point denying it. So I took steps to mourn properly and actually dealt with my emotions.
But of course, life continues on. So while I was actively grieving, I was also constantly studying for school, trying to grow up, making new connections in the medical community and trying to stay sane amongst all the craziness that is med school. Slowly I thought about my ex less often. I learned to accept what happened sucked, but it's part of life. My self-esteem slowly returned and I started to become my normal self again. I still played League of Legends every so often, but not as a way to ignore my problems so much, but just because I had some time and it was a good way to unwind after a long day.
Today as I finished playing another game, I noticed my score: 504/504. I'm back to my 50:50 ratio of win/lose.
Now, what is the point of this entire entry? As lame as this sounds, the score was a pretty apt metaphor of what was going on in my life. Sometimes, life will knock you down and you won't be yourself for a while. You'll drop below your normal and go down to a rough patch. But if you take the time to grieve and actively move on, sooner or later, you'll get back to where you were. You might not notice at the time, but one day you'll realize "woah, I'm back to 50:50. I'm back to my normal self." That thing you thought you'd never get over seems like a relatively distant memory. And instead, you've just grown as a person and realize you're way stronger than you thought.
So that's all I wanted to say. I felt like writing something. I must admit that this break-up was not nearly as bad or as long as I've had in the past. But in the moment, it was very rough. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm good now and I won't let someone bring me down for long and it kinda took a video game as proof to make me realize I've healed. Maybe it's a bit of a reach, but I don't really care haha. Having a physical marker of how far I've come is reassuring to me.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend,
Boggy
Hello! My name is Boggart, IRL people call me Chris and I was a very active member in the past. Ever since I started medical school I've been very busy and haven't had enough time for my Codex family
That's basically all you need to know about me to understand this story (whether those details were necessary is actually up for debate).Anyway, this little entry is about "hard times" in your life and I'm going to use video games as a metaphor.
Back in February, someone I was dating and I broke up. I'm not really going to into details about it, but it didn't end well and I was pretty upset about it.
Normally when I'm upset, I like to get myself really involved into work (like physically working) to get my mind off things. But since for the first time in 7 years I'm not working part-time with school, I didn't have that option. So I turned to video games. Specifically, League of Legends (I've been playing for about 4 years on-and-off casually. Don't judge).
There's a game mode on there called "All Random All Mid" which is basically a fun game mode where you don't get to pick your characters and you just go nuts. Because of the nature of the game, sometimes you'll have an awesome character and sometimes you'll have a shitty character/team. The game is NOT supposed to be taken that seriously.
Anyway, before the break up, I had played about 900 games. my win rate was 50:50 (or 450 wins/450 losses which kinda makes sense in the situation I described above if you know basic statistics).
However, post break-up, as I had previously said, I started playing LoL to get my mind off things. However, I was so distraught I didn't actually focus on the game. I had played 30 games in about a week, and my record was 8/22. This is WAY off my normal 50/50 by a fair margin. I knew exactly why it happened. But unfortunately, my new score of 458/472 was staring at me regarding how much my ex affected me. It was a number. Physical evidence that I was upset. No matter how much I pretended I didn't care, no matter how much I simply said "whatever he's not good enough for me" or what have you, this 458/472 showed that this person clearly meant something to me and us breaking up affected me.There was no point denying it. So I took steps to mourn properly and actually dealt with my emotions.
But of course, life continues on. So while I was actively grieving, I was also constantly studying for school, trying to grow up, making new connections in the medical community and trying to stay sane amongst all the craziness that is med school. Slowly I thought about my ex less often. I learned to accept what happened sucked, but it's part of life. My self-esteem slowly returned and I started to become my normal self again. I still played League of Legends every so often, but not as a way to ignore my problems so much, but just because I had some time and it was a good way to unwind after a long day.
Today as I finished playing another game, I noticed my score: 504/504. I'm back to my 50:50 ratio of win/lose.
Now, what is the point of this entire entry? As lame as this sounds, the score was a pretty apt metaphor of what was going on in my life. Sometimes, life will knock you down and you won't be yourself for a while. You'll drop below your normal and go down to a rough patch. But if you take the time to grieve and actively move on, sooner or later, you'll get back to where you were. You might not notice at the time, but one day you'll realize "woah, I'm back to 50:50. I'm back to my normal self." That thing you thought you'd never get over seems like a relatively distant memory. And instead, you've just grown as a person and realize you're way stronger than you thought.
So that's all I wanted to say. I felt like writing something. I must admit that this break-up was not nearly as bad or as long as I've had in the past. But in the moment, it was very rough. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm good now and I won't let someone bring me down for long and it kinda took a video game as proof to make me realize I've healed. Maybe it's a bit of a reach, but I don't really care haha. Having a physical marker of how far I've come is reassuring to me.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend,
Boggy
