A small relationship rant, I suppose
(Was originally going to post this in the bad thing that happened to you today thread but then it got super long and I haven't been putting anything into my blog lately. So here we are.)
Not a bad day per se, just a bad weekend. My boyfriend and I both have exams tomorrow and the next few weeks, and we're both very stressed. Plus I have 0 self confidence atm because I lost so much weight from having pneumonia and basically my ass deflated. It's a Dutch pancake. Sad. Anyway, people have been telling me even more often to eat more, that I need to gain more weight etc. GUESS WHAT. I know, cheers. Thanks for telling me almost everyday, every single week. Ain't that easy for me, y'all. And then my boyfriend said on Saturday morning during breakfast "Your ass is kinda flat, eat more." And I kind of got a bit pissed at him, because like I said, 0 self confidence and people having told me that several times already. He never ever compliments my physical attributes, so that just rubbed the wrong way. I know that what he said was more him being concerned and trying to push me to be more active physically, but naaaah. And ever since then I feel like he's either trying to provoke me and/or I'm still very very sensitive. Annnd this morning I asked him if it was okay if I left a hairbrush at his place (out of courtesy, I knew he'd say yes but I always need to be polite about shit like that...) and he didn't answer my question and mocked me. Well fuck me for wanting to be polite????? Then I got kinda moody and he noticed when we were on the tram, I explained him why and of course he didn't understand. We both revised at different locations, and we decided to meet up for lunch. He was waiting for me infront of a shop, and on the way there I decided to apologize for my moodiness that morning. Turned out he arrived a few minutes prior to our agreed time and bla bla, I told him he should have told me as he needn't have waited because I was only a 1 minute walk away. he said something along the lines of "Naaah, it was okay, it gave me the chance to look at the women" and that just rubbed me the wrong way again because he knows that I haaaate when he mentions other women in a checking out kind of way infront of me. Something he'd done a few days earlier and I reminded him that I personally find that disrespectful, especially because I have asked him in the past to not make such comments. Was still feeling a bit meeh from that. But then I had a little think about what he'd said and my first thought was that he'd been trying to provoke me. Orrr he was just making a joke. Thing is, I can hardly ever tell if he's joking or not. So I asked him and he said he had indeed been joking. The mood was a bit lighter but I still felt very distant from him and we didn't talk much. I did most of the talking but he didn't seem awfully interested in keeping a conversation going. And then we both went back to our respective study locations and that's that.
Also I do realize that I'm very problematic (low self confidence, sensitive af...) but meh. I hope this is a one time thing due to both of us being stressed. I understand why he might have not been interested in talking to me any further, not wanting to accidentally say something that I'd be able to misniterprete and be a sensitive little shit. I wish I could explain all this to him without him telling me that I'm trying to find excuses or telling me it's all my fault for not doing sports. Because according to him, sports is the answer to my eternal social anxiety/shyness, anxiety in general, me being underweight, everything.
Right now I just want to tell him that I'm sorry for my part in the last two days, especially since we haven't been able to see each other as much. And he has to prepare for an exam too, so a sensitive girlfriend probably isn't helping with his stress levels. But I'm also super scared anytime I have to talk about my feelings with him, because most of the time it ends with me crying because he just doesn't understand what I'm trying to say and it's my fault anyway. I think we both feel a lot of resentment towards eachother at the moment. Sighhhh.
If you've read all this, cheers. I just needed to vent a little. I might call my mum.