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Awkward Everyday Stuff

How do you become vulnerable? A 2AM Rant.

Posted by Keil, 14 August 2014 · 553 views

Keeping things on the down low but you can guess the context so whatever.

I did some things, some people critiqued it and I am done reviewing through the multiple channels of correspondence. The worst critique was a "meh/bland" which I don't mind since I feel like I half-assed about 15% of the work. The best was a "wow, I totally get you and hit me up for some drinks" (in a professional type of manner which may result with a loss of a kidney in a motel at Camden, NJ with I as the organ harvester. I'll let you ponder on that). The one that stuck with me was that I lacked vulnerability.

It has been stressed that I am like Katniss Everdeen which is funny because I finally watch Catching Fire recently through the means of an everyday middle-classed minority with questionable morals and internet access; I borrowed a DVD copy from the local library. If you thought otherwise, I do not blame you.

If the whole Hunger Games trilogy was not centered on her POV, you wouldn't know what would be going in Everdeen's head. They (singular critiquey person thing of credentials) felt the same about me except they don't get me. At all. I have been seen as a broken (man)child wearing a cracked porcelain mask that did not shatter all the way through. Just not enough to know my tender essence. They want more of me, not of what I produce but still have me in the the things I produce. I don't get it. Looking at back at the critique, I wasn't compared to Bella Swan. At least I'm more interesting than stale bread.

Back track: what does my essence have to do with my work? I did it. Is that not enough?

Moving on.

This critique had checkpoints in it. Incredible. It took the brevity side of things. Good. I lacked the attention span to read the wall of text others sent.
  • XYZ is good.
  • ABC is well done.
  • MN is a bit confusing but that can be edited quickly.
  • A revisit of the work would yield higher quality (no argument there).
  • Talk to this guy who works in Illonois. (They did spell Illinois wrong and that alarmed me.)
  • You showed a unique voice
  • You showed passion.
  • You showed depth.
  • You showed wit.
  • You showed tact.
  • You lack heart and soul.
Under the last bullet, they elaborated very vaguely. Blah blah blah I want to know how you think not what your work says yadda yadda yadda not the same as voice hurr durr herp derp find your inner most aura and let it all out bibbity babbity bibbity boo organic herbal tea. The last two I made up, but it is a close paraphrase of what was written.

I really don't know what vulnerability means, or at least what level of vulnerability they want. I've been in so many collaborative projects (mostly in school and at the place I'll dubiously leave as "The Center") where I worked long enough with a cluster of individuals to share intimate stories and pinky-promised secrets. I know the unsaid rules of sharing your crazy with other people at the perfect times. I get that. But what vulnerability do they want? Do they want Ke... to spill every single detail about himself even when he's most uncomfortable saying it? Okay. Fine.

Today, I kicked a dog in the head because it kept sniffing my ankle. When the owner asked what happened, I said it rammed its head on the nearby tree chasing a squirrel. I didn't feel bad. Stupid dog.

Today, I was distracted in front of a green stoplight because I was gawking at gas prices on the corner station. Thus, the car behind me got stuck with a red light. They never did beep at me. I felt bad.

Today I wished for someone in Codex to experience a certain turn of events that would result in an unfavorable outcome considered by a majority of a sample population as irksome if an extensive survey was issued. I felt this every other day. Who doesn't? Today I yearned for their SHIFT buttons to be sticky. I am a petty person.

At the same time, I can't just share everything single thing I am to a person that has not reached "You will bail me out of prison if I give you directions to get the money" level with me. I can't share all my sex experiences with random people either. I am uncomfortable talking about sex as much as Boggart having some.

I'll probably email the person tomorrow for elaboration because I spent around 30 minutes typing this while listening to my subscribed podcasts and it'll be around 2 when I finish.

Look at this. The last part of that critique referred me to an "investment" that would set me apart from the competition. Fuck no. I don't gots no money. I don't suckle off my parent's life-numbing inheritance and live in a penthouse above starry skyscrapers. I am going to school to get the job I want at the price I don't and eat the same ol' stale bread because .

I should be in a mental ward, not practice in one.

Posted by Keil, 04 July 2014 · 540 views

50 non-boring questions. I hope I don't scare you too much.


How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Probably 22 or 23 because that's the age around most people who finish undergrad are around. If solely based on my mental age, I'd say 14.

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Never trying. Regret from inertness is much worse than regret from poor proactive decisions.

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?


When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

No. If I've truly done everything, I probably would be too humble to say anything.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

I'd probably re-hardwire the male psyche to stop thinking about having sex a lot by removing the "find, fuck, flee" mentality. That's where I think the world's evil can be traced from.

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Tax collector/IRS agent.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

I believe in anti-bipolarization towards free thought and decision-making. I show contempt for forcing me to pick one or the other instead of picking something in the grey middle.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I would fuck more.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

I will not have a place to myself until I'm 24/25, fresh out of grad school, and enough debt from student loans to make Donald Trump hire me out of pity. At least I made those decisions. I consider myself having a good grasp of reality.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Doing things right. Practicality over idealism.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

Stuff all their food into my mouth. Stand up. And leave. And then probably run to the restroom to upchuck their disgusting food. When I return, they'll ask me why I did what I did. I'll say, "You all could stand to lose a few pounds. You should be thanking me."

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Everyone you meet in life will disappoint you. Instead of yearning for someone, use the time to make the person you've always been looking for in yourself.

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

I would murder another man to preserve my own ego.

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

All the time in front of a mirror.

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

Think beyond the realm of reason and conventional logic.

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

Because I don't expect everyone to know the joys of creative destruction and psychological warfare. Some people like long walks on the beach. I enjoy oil spills and the delicately crafted mindfuck.

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

I really want to lock up Tina Fey. She is my only threat in this world.

Money and connections, for now at least.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

Grudges from extreme ones like US President's Cabinet concerning themselves with self-preservation than the obvious good to small ones like people who don't signal when they change lanes. Sucks for them I have a photographic memory oddly enough only towards license plates.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Canada because they pretty much got their shit together with respect to the rest of the world.

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

No and no because I'm not irrationally desperate.

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

I experienced both and out of the two, I'd rather be a worried genius. At least then, I know what makes me happy is something that truly makes me happy and not something someone behind a curtain hypnotized me to think of.

Why are you, you?

I am because I think and crap into a porcelain bowl on a daily basis. The second is very important.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

Yes, only as a friend with benefits. Otherwise, I would want to choke my own neck in a heated fist fight.

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

The former. That means I have to go out of my way to make a new friend. Making that one friend was probably pure luck. Making another one is asking for the impossible.

What are you most grateful for?

The ability to defecate and excrete waste on a homeostatic level. Oh and probably David Tennant.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

The latter. It'll make me appreciate the moment more knowing I'll have no recollection of it.

Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Yes. Why challenge the truth head on when you can get around it and attack it from the rear?

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

There was that time I tried on a pair of booty shorts...

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

I befriended a 25 year old Marine in a mentoring program. He wanted to be a high school chemistry teacher and was on standby during the "help these kids because they'll end up being homosexual drug addicts against God who are in an armored vehicle en transit to prison" program in my high school. He was then called back to service and died a few months later by friendly fire or faulty helicopter, I can't remember which. Got over like it a cold.

What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

I was tricked into thinking a third rate harvest fair was Disney Land. I gained the ability of meta-cognition at a very young age and bent reality into something more enjoyable while cognitive of the so obvious lie.

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

I actually went to Disney Land last year and I didn't need to do any thinking on my part. I lived out those moments with genuine excitement and enjoyment, unfiltering the stimuli around me.

If not now, then when?

Later. Obviously.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

My sanity, my dignity, my self-respect, my lunch.

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

All the time. I may be psychopath, but I do enjoy those time sitting on the bus ride home from a long day with one of my guy friends saying nothing with our thighs touching without either of us being bothered by it.

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Religions are not stupid. People are. I've yet to see someone who practices any religion wholesomely without bending any part of it for their convenience. In all honesty, I have no issue with any religion that doesn't have murder another human as a necessary practice or pillar.

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Yes, but I would never want to know. They grey middle will always be the safest route.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

AH HELL NO. A million dollars isn't enough for a stable lifetime. I calculated all possible expenses and if you were to live alone without aiding anyone else you would need 3.47 million. That number considers that last moment when you spend your last 110 bucks for drugs to overdose with.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

More work that I enjoy. I want to work in a correctional facility or a rehab after I graduated. What could be more fun than surrounding yourself with a convicted gunman, pathological liars, and schizophrenics who claw at the walls at the sight of me? They think I'm the Anti-Jesus or something. Silly patients. They entertain me. Safe and law abiding citizens are boring acting passive aggressive in their cubicle. So cliche. So predictable. So unstimulating.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Not at all. I learned how to use a Skip-It today.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

Your use of metaphors is deplorable. Next.

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

The bartender.

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

I think that's how Tony Stark got famous.

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

The ability to control your bowels.

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

When intoxicated from alcohol and/or drugs.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Isn't that just basic defense mechanism to protect us from harm? I'm pretty sure no one who jumped off a 19 story gorge without any safety equipment survives so that they would jump again. You know, because they're dead.

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

I would wear sweatpants 24/7.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Thanks a lot. Now I hear it. Stupid metacognition.

What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I love to write to write exciting adventures for that random person I spot walking alone from my bus seat. I'll let my iphone app of short one-shots be the judge of that.

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

No. No. No. If only my photographic memory of license plates applied to the rest of my life.

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

I choose to not watch fireworks on the Fourth of July. I have some power in this world. Unless that's exactly what someone who's controlling me. Then fuck, others are making decisions for me.

Question #46: Did you realize that there only 45 questions?

Keil uneventfully rides a bike.

Posted by Keil, 24 May 2014 · 491 views
bad life choices
I needed a walk earlier this night.

So I walked a few steps away from the complex and noticed a light drizzle. I ran back and got my bike because I love biking in the rain and I tend to make poor life choices at nightfall. I changed into a light windbreaker jacket and some swim trunks. I wore those swimming shoes you sign your soul off at water parks and never return ever again.

The area I live at isn't all too sketchy; we have lampposts in front of every other house, the trees here are more of a gardening aesthetic than a living organism, and if I wanted to really push myself, I can bike 14 miles to get to the 14th/15th-ish biggest mall in the US (I haven't checked the stats in years so don't quote me on it). I felt comfortable just riding casually at 10:30 PM. I'm not afraid of a sports car booming ghetto rap hitting me at 80 miles per hour nor a sociopathic killer hiding in the bushes ready to strike. It's peaceful enough to leave your bike one day at your front yard and not expect it to be stolen the next morning.

I usually bike in the residential area where it's peaceful, peaceful to the point of boredom. There were no parties going on and the only thing memorable was my lesbian block neighbors pulling into their driveway and unloading a lot of boxes. Knowing them, they were probably unloading skiing gear or kinky sex things out of their trunk. I waved hi. They hollered me to go inside because it's started to downpour. I smiled ignorantly and rode on.

The farther away I am from the complex, the more plastic furniture and garage sale lawn ornaments stood guard in front of paint-chipped singled-floored houses. There was also an alarmingly large amount of birdhouses on the nearby pine trees, enough to question if the resident had enough human interaction to be deemed mentally sane.

I normally wouldn't be frightened from driving/biking in this area, but the ever-changing downpour, the straggling warm fog, and the rust-colored light from the flickering lampposts added to eerie ambiance. I feel like if my bike chain broke, I would end up staying at a Rocky Horror-esque mansion for the night.

The way back was dull since everything amusing that would of been seen was already seen. I shifted gear and cruised down the gentle hill. At the time, I was not paying attention to the speed I built up and the next moment, I was propped up in someone's arms like Cinderella romantically caught by Prince Charming before she tripped except it was not nothing like that. I could feel the spongy sleeves of a man's soaked sweatshirt on my back and and bitingly tight grip on my left arm. I looked to my right and the first thing I noticed was a thick brown pedophile mustache you'd expect from a 1970's child molester or Ned Flanders.

I couldn't hear what the guy was saying because of the rain. I pushed myself upward, but my hand stung in contact with the cold, gravel-littered ground. I looked at my palm for a second and saw slivers of skin peeling off and trickling blood already being washed away. I stood up completely and thought to myself: thank goodness no other part of my body was hurt.

The rain picked up. I had to go home. Now. I wanted to properly thank the man, but I couldn't see much of the man's face. The lamppost was directly above his head and anything under it would be dark by contrast from a low angle. I am a tiny Asian so everything under that lamppost was a gigantic silhouette. I screamed Thank you, hoping my message would reach him despite the sharp hissing and cracking of the heavy rain. I dashed a few yards to reach my bike and sprinted the few miles back to my apartment.

I took a shower, disinfected my hand, and pulled out the loose skin with tweezers. Now I finished typing this and only until now I realized my left thigh is extreme sore. I hope I can walk tomorrow. I need to buy food.

Outgrowing and Quitting Neopets

Posted by Keil, 08 November 2013 · 1,128 views


Okay, hear me out. Please don't jump to conclusions too quickly. Also, I'm not trying to deter you from playing Neopets, but I just want to know your thoughts.

So it has been about 3 months since I "quit neopets". When I say quit, I do not spend more than 20 minutes a day there anymore. Lately, I've been offline for days at a time. Even new NC items don't excite me anymore. When I was truly addicted, I spent 1-2 hours a day there IF I HAD THE SELF-CONTROL to limit myself. Now, I feel so impassioned for the game to the point where I am not compelled to do dailies anymore. Even with the recent Catacombs and Meth Flowers events, I don't spend more than 10 minutes of the before resorting to a program if one existed for that particular event. Of course, I still AB and cheat just for fun and to BD other people and get some sort of satisfaction. Recently, the only reason why I spend more than 20 minutes a day in neopets is to start trading away NP on tumblr and it requires effort to auction the unbuyables at low prices and setting small profit unbuyables as 99999.

I consider truly quitting Neopets as in not having the will to be active in the guilds boards, tendency to not complete at least 30% of the site events, and most of all: stop lurking there. Cutting off ties completely is too much of a expectation to consider really quitting.

I just feel the like sense of wonder that I experienced when I was younger is no longer obtainable and it's not because I learned that everything occurs at a rate or there is a guide for everything. I don't find myself thinking after a long day of class: I have to do my dailies and fight in the Cosmic Dome until I get all 15 items. I'm at the point that if my current build-up main (I make new mains until they get frozen because I like rebuilding) or my 11 year main gets frozen, I wouldn't bother filing a ticket. Sure, I would be disappointed with the years of effort disappearing and over 3 rows of site event trophies gone, but it's now just a relic that has no useful value for me in the future. I considered selling it, but I feel that either I should be the one keeping it or get it frozen since there are memories in it that are of true worth to me alone.

Don't worry about me quitting NeoCodex. People here entertain me unlike the buttcrunch of brown-nosers inside the game. Unlike the actual site, I've met people here who I have learned to love more than just admiring a userlookup chock full of trophies or an avatar. I'm happy that I'm spending my idle time here because despite the differences in opinion and the developing sense of compromise, tolerance, control, and understanding that people have yet to learn, you are all real to me as if you are sitting with in a booth with me at the local tavern, drinking God knows what. Even if I do quit Neopets 100%, I'll still hang here. You're all worth the time.

So I have no self-control

Posted by Keil, 04 September 2013 · 742 views

I disappeared for a month because I was so determined to make my senior year of undergrad the best it can be. A part of my resolution was to quit neopets and evidently Neocodex as well. So I froze my main, gave away my shells. Speaking of shells, if you have proxied a shell (or any account for that matter), be wary of giving them to people because the sudden shift of IP can get people frozen because of "this account's password was easily guessable" or "account no longer belongs to the original owner" and shit. Four of six people people were raging because they were chain iced. Whoopsie.

School started August 8th and I took the time to read ahead the 10 days prior and apply for my second internship as well as applying for City Year since I plan to take a break before grad school and get some money and experience at the same time. Lotsa stuff happened, but they're boring logistics like studying for the GREs and my cousin getting married to a Persian model. NBD.

So now, I'll be in Codex as a non-playing member. I'll can still middleman since I had that account still, talk shit about others, SS for Team Codex, but I'll end up giving the accounts away to people who want the prizes,and play in official/unofficial competitions. But I refuse to play Neopets AB and invest myself in the game again.

With that said, I am now taking bets in NeoCodex credits as to when I'll create an account to actually play. The payouts are as follows
  • 1 week from now 2:1
  • 2-4 weeks from now 3:1
  • 1-3 months from now 5:1
  • 3-6 months from now 10:1
  • 6-12 months from now 20:1
Just a clarification, I still have the 8-ish shells I used to SS for Tyrannia so the bet excludes those since I'll use those for Team Codex.
Lol, jk, unless you actually want to bet lol.

So I'll float, I won't be on everyday since I have three seminar classes that forces me to know my stuff and participate on a daily basis.

Animal Crossing: New Leaf - Day #6

Posted by Keil, 18 June 2013 · 628 views

Since everyone is making a blog for ACNL, I'll make one too :D Your blog, Futurama, inspired me to do so. bitch.

Unlike other good blogs, mine will lack all pictures.

So I've been playing the game for like 2 hours a day, mostly to leech off the resources in the Tropical Island.

I've been making at least 60K per visit (mind you, I fill all 4 sections of the straw basket). On good days, I made 120K per visit. I love how sharks are so common there. I even have a sunfish in my room. IT HAS A BIG HEAD by tiny little flippers. SO KAWAII!!! desu ne~?

Nothing in my town has been too exciting. I think I've been on the island the being in my own town. I did get that cobblestone bridge done and have a fountain. Other than that I've been planting exotic fruit everywhere and made everyone insomniacs like me.

One thing that did catch my eye was that there was a giant blanket between the space of Nooklings and the Able sister's shops.I have not checked any of the guides yet, but I excited.

I want to visit your town! If you're interested, PM so we can be like best buds and stuff and so that I can leech off your land and stuff. My friend code? It's somewhere in that Animal Crossing thread.

Love at First Sight

Posted by Keil, 08 April 2013 · 861 views

This blog has nothing to do with love, but it does have to do something with sight.

Today, my friends and I were talking about small awkward experiences in relationships. One of them was making out with your eyes open. Most of us agreed that we close our eyes when we make out with people because it's an eye strain to focus your eyes on something so close. But what do you do when you have someone is literally an inch away staring at your eyes?

To me, I just close my eyes just because I hate seeing the people I date and/or xxxx as cyclops when we get extremely close.

So what do you do when you're in this type of situation? It doesn't have to be an amorous or carnal situation. Maybe someone is helping you get an eyelash out of your eye or wiping off something off your face or you're in one of those leadership workshops that require you to get within breathing distance of another.

F***** in Bed.

Posted by Keil, 27 March 2013 · 1,071 views
knee slapper
tl;dr Get the hell over yourself and read the entire thing.


I Hate Humanity. Part I

Posted by Keil, 30 January 2013 · 786 views

WARNING: Venting, no logic present. This is not to change your beliefs. I will never convert you to christianity, santanism, jedi-ism, haruhism, mlpism, etc.. I will also never tell you to drop your beliefs (unless you are hurting anyone under government laws).


Power Rangers Now and Then

Posted by Keil, 08 January 2013 · 629 views
I'm in college and I'm bored because of winter break.

I decided to watch an old Power Rangers episode from when I was 10. I couldn't remember the exact episode. All I remember was how a Power Ranger stood up for a monster despite how they look. That episode made a huge difference in my childhood because if I ddin't watch it, I would probably been more outwardly and internally racist as my parents.

When I did find the episode after some researching, the episode had the same impact to me as in when I was younger.The saying "Never judge a book's by its cover" gets old, but the message in this episode still strikes a chord in my heart today.

Not to mention that the acting is 100% better than Power Ranger Samurai (most recent) and actually has life lessons.

The link is below if you want to watch it. It is episode 19 of Power Rangers Time Force: Trip Takes a Stand.


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