1
Spoiler
About 3 weeks ago, one of my close friends came out to me. The whole discussion lasted for hours and I stood there listening and trying to make out what he was wanting to say. He said he had a huge crush on me since we were both in orientation few years back and he had these feelings ever since. He is still closeted by his own reasons (we live in a very liberal and moderately open college campus community. If people were gay, they were out without most problems except for the uncomfortable stares from the incoming first-years). Out of all the things he said at that night, the one thing that really struck me was that he wanted me to be his first.
A little bit about me: I'm a bisexual male who was sexually active since I was 17. I'm completely out and the students and professionals around me acknowledge my sexuality. I personally can't keep a relationship because I really don't have a real desire to have one. I think I may be broken in the sense that the genuine love of having a partner love and support you for the rest of your life is a completely alien idea to me. However, I really enjoy occasional sex with people I know better than complete strangers. I'm not sure if I'm emotionally and mentally independent or borderline sociopathic.
So back to the night of his confession. After hours of talking, we ended up sleeping in my room in the same bed(I'm an RA so I don't have a roommate to worry about). The premise behind this agreement was for him to slowly experiment and that there should be no feelings during the cuddling. At first it was just arms-wrapping, spooning,and some fondling for a while. Later that morning, he wanted to know what it was like to make out. It was awkward teaching him how to make out since it was like teaching a Rottweiler how to not slobber everywhere. From my standpoint, I was completely bored and was just amusing him while he experiments but to him, he gets really into it and gets all feral with his hands.
I waited the next morning for him to wake up. After he washed up, I had to have a talk with him. I felt like he was really taking this far by the way he acted in bed. Maybe it was the repressed sexuality he was slowly unraveling that made me suspect that he really wanted to "love" me which I emotionally can't stand. In hindsight, I wouldn't mind marrying a potential lawyer with a body or face I can't complain about.
I asked him what he really wanted. Did he want to continue experimenting with me? Did he really want to be my boyfriend? Is he just using me for sex (which I really don't mind)? His response to my questions really shocked me. He said he was straight, but he only wants to be gay for me only (Side Note: I would best describe him as pan-sexual meaning someone who sexually loves another regardless of gender or sexuality). This instantly struck me as possible "danger relationship zone" and I wanted to run as far as possible. I had to make sure by asking me why he "loved" me and it bothered me that most of his reasons were because of my inner self and not so much physical or situational attractions.
I had to draw the boundaries before my worst fears occur: an overly attached lover that loves me which all his/her heart while I don't even give a rat's ass about them. I asked him if he was willing to continue having sex with me whenever he or I wanted. In other words, a booty call. I made it clear by saying that I will never develop feelings for him and there is no chance of romance that will come from us having sex once in a while. He was torn, but he accepted.
/skip sexual experimentation stories with crude details within a 2 week span
During the two weeks during classes and RHA (I'm the President, he is the Treasurer), he kept giving me really awkward looks that to him, seemed seductive. It was distracting when the Executive Board had to plan the remainder of Spring Programming and alarming when I found him staring at me during TV Criticism and Aesthetics from across the row. These small hints really bothered me quite a bit.
Last Thursday night was the night before everyone leaves for Spring Break. I asked him, what he was thinking, hoping that he would tell me how he really felt and what he really wanted and if any of that changed with us having frequent secret rendezvous . He told me that it's fine just having this sex only relationship because he knew that this would be the only time he could be completely free with me. He thanked me for everything. Later that night, he was especially horny. /fastforwards
In bed, he said "I Love You". ABANDON SHIP! was running through my mind, but I didn't do or say anything at that moment since I knew that he's still experimenting and has no idea what not to say. When we both woke up, I told him we had to stop and I think that he "experimented" enough. He pulled me down and just clung onto me. He then started to cry into my shoulder. He then said what he really wanted to love me as my partner and be a couple. He affirmed me that he would risk the relationship with his parents just to be with me. He said a lot of other stupid things that showed that he'd just really desperate to be with me. He said that he wouldn't miss the sex as much as he did for being with me overall. At that time, I couldn't say I'll be with him because I really lack any emotional attachment to him other than one of the few that stayed as my friend for most of my college career. If anything, I liked how he got better at sex in a short period of time.
This is what I said: I am really sorry, but there is no way I will ever return the feelings back to you. Find other men or women to love because I feel guilty at my end because you put so much thought into this whereas I only think "I'm gonna get some ass tonight." I love you as my friend, but I will never see myself being the partner you dreamed of. It's not because I feel inadequate or anything, but I am at a point where I cannot foster any emotional attachments with anyone. It isn't fair for you to work so hard while only get treated like sex item in return. I'm really sorry.
As much as he hated the truth, he accepted that understanding full-heartedly this time. However, he still wanted to keep the booty calls for the end of the semester at least. Everyone in the end wins, hopefully.
About an hour ago, I got this text from: I miss you.
Fuck.
About 3 weeks ago, one of my close friends came out to me. The whole discussion lasted for hours and I stood there listening and trying to make out what he was wanting to say. He said he had a huge crush on me since we were both in orientation few years back and he had these feelings ever since. He is still closeted by his own reasons (we live in a very liberal and moderately open college campus community. If people were gay, they were out without most problems except for the uncomfortable stares from the incoming first-years). Out of all the things he said at that night, the one thing that really struck me was that he wanted me to be his first.
A little bit about me: I'm a bisexual male who was sexually active since I was 17. I'm completely out and the students and professionals around me acknowledge my sexuality. I personally can't keep a relationship because I really don't have a real desire to have one. I think I may be broken in the sense that the genuine love of having a partner love and support you for the rest of your life is a completely alien idea to me. However, I really enjoy occasional sex with people I know better than complete strangers. I'm not sure if I'm emotionally and mentally independent or borderline sociopathic.
So back to the night of his confession. After hours of talking, we ended up sleeping in my room in the same bed(I'm an RA so I don't have a roommate to worry about). The premise behind this agreement was for him to slowly experiment and that there should be no feelings during the cuddling. At first it was just arms-wrapping, spooning,and some fondling for a while. Later that morning, he wanted to know what it was like to make out. It was awkward teaching him how to make out since it was like teaching a Rottweiler how to not slobber everywhere. From my standpoint, I was completely bored and was just amusing him while he experiments but to him, he gets really into it and gets all feral with his hands.
I waited the next morning for him to wake up. After he washed up, I had to have a talk with him. I felt like he was really taking this far by the way he acted in bed. Maybe it was the repressed sexuality he was slowly unraveling that made me suspect that he really wanted to "love" me which I emotionally can't stand. In hindsight, I wouldn't mind marrying a potential lawyer with a body or face I can't complain about.
I asked him what he really wanted. Did he want to continue experimenting with me? Did he really want to be my boyfriend? Is he just using me for sex (which I really don't mind)? His response to my questions really shocked me. He said he was straight, but he only wants to be gay for me only (Side Note: I would best describe him as pan-sexual meaning someone who sexually loves another regardless of gender or sexuality). This instantly struck me as possible "danger relationship zone" and I wanted to run as far as possible. I had to make sure by asking me why he "loved" me and it bothered me that most of his reasons were because of my inner self and not so much physical or situational attractions.
I had to draw the boundaries before my worst fears occur: an overly attached lover that loves me which all his/her heart while I don't even give a rat's ass about them. I asked him if he was willing to continue having sex with me whenever he or I wanted. In other words, a booty call. I made it clear by saying that I will never develop feelings for him and there is no chance of romance that will come from us having sex once in a while. He was torn, but he accepted.
/skip sexual experimentation stories with crude details within a 2 week span
During the two weeks during classes and RHA (I'm the President, he is the Treasurer), he kept giving me really awkward looks that to him, seemed seductive. It was distracting when the Executive Board had to plan the remainder of Spring Programming and alarming when I found him staring at me during TV Criticism and Aesthetics from across the row. These small hints really bothered me quite a bit.
Last Thursday night was the night before everyone leaves for Spring Break. I asked him, what he was thinking, hoping that he would tell me how he really felt and what he really wanted and if any of that changed with us having frequent secret rendezvous . He told me that it's fine just having this sex only relationship because he knew that this would be the only time he could be completely free with me. He thanked me for everything. Later that night, he was especially horny. /fastforwards
In bed, he said "I Love You". ABANDON SHIP! was running through my mind, but I didn't do or say anything at that moment since I knew that he's still experimenting and has no idea what not to say. When we both woke up, I told him we had to stop and I think that he "experimented" enough. He pulled me down and just clung onto me. He then started to cry into my shoulder. He then said what he really wanted to love me as my partner and be a couple. He affirmed me that he would risk the relationship with his parents just to be with me. He said a lot of other stupid things that showed that he'd just really desperate to be with me. He said that he wouldn't miss the sex as much as he did for being with me overall. At that time, I couldn't say I'll be with him because I really lack any emotional attachment to him other than one of the few that stayed as my friend for most of my college career. If anything, I liked how he got better at sex in a short period of time.
This is what I said: I am really sorry, but there is no way I will ever return the feelings back to you. Find other men or women to love because I feel guilty at my end because you put so much thought into this whereas I only think "I'm gonna get some ass tonight." I love you as my friend, but I will never see myself being the partner you dreamed of. It's not because I feel inadequate or anything, but I am at a point where I cannot foster any emotional attachments with anyone. It isn't fair for you to work so hard while only get treated like sex item in return. I'm really sorry.
As much as he hated the truth, he accepted that understanding full-heartedly this time. However, he still wanted to keep the booty calls for the end of the semester at least. Everyone in the end wins, hopefully.
About an hour ago, I got this text from: I miss you.
Fuck.
You were completely honest and cut him off when you sensed attachment.
It's not your fault he could not distance his emotions from the agreement you two had.