my sometimes miserable life

So some of you may have read my previous blog about my parents. So I have exciting news since the last time I posted!!! They are moving back to Russia!! It has been a long time coming. In Russia they have high qualifications and here in Australia they have minority jobs which are slowly making them depressed (which I highly understand, as I would probably feel the same way).
They've bought new furniture for their new apartment there and are about finished packing their personal belongings to ship off in a container. Mum says as soon as they are done packing, and the container is shipped, they will immediately buy one way tickets. This is all going to go down within the next few weeks to come! And I am super excited for them to finally leave me alone. I've dreamed my entire life about moving out of home and having my own place far away from them - but they are doing all the work for me and paying the rent while my sister and I continue to live and study here! (what more could i ask for?!)
I'm excited to have things my own way around the house and mostly that I don't have to hide seeing my boyfriend so much anymore and he can freely come over to my place and spend time with me here rather than me always going to his house.
This blog entry wasn't going to be long I just felt like sharing my excitement about things that are happening right now and I feel like my life is finally starting to move in the right direction and I'm going to have more control over it rather than my parents always commanding me and telling me how to live and watching my every move.
You know that feeling you have when you finish a long frustrating assignment that you surely thought you will fail but then you get your mark back and its the complete opposite? Well that's what I am sort of feeling right now. I worked hard in my life and there were a lot of annoying and frustrating ups and downs and I didn't think I was going to get anywhere. But here I am now, some time has passed, and my hard work is paying off.
Now all I have to do is contain myself when it comes to buying household items because I will get carried away with buying things such as air tight jars for grains and cereals... and a lot of plants.. lots and lots of plants.....

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I'm a full bred Russian girl: tall, long legs, blonde hair, blue eyes. Basically what you would imagine a Russian girl to look like. And my parents worship these "pure" qualities. Don't how long this will turn out but I will start from the very beginning.

So I was growing up, my dad was never around (I was living in Australia with my siblings and mum and he was always working in Russia and making money for the family). Some people would love and cherish their father for working so hard for his family to support them etc. But not me. Not when I barely saw my father, and the times when I did, I was always verbally, sometimes (most times) physically abused (slapped with the belt buckle, slapped in the face with his hand..), also witnessed him verbally abusing my mum, he could never keep his mouth shut, and always degraded her into nothing.

So I grew up, raised in a different country with different values and beliefs (though my mum still tried to raise us the Russian way, I spent much more time learning otherwise). Every time talk about love and marriage would come up, mum would always tell us to marry a Russian guy, (or at least someone with light features like us) because everything else is garbage.

Some time in my early puberty my mum and dad had a fall out I don't really know what happened between them, but what I do know is that while my dad was "working" in Russia, he was also banging some other chick. SO once time he was back in Australia with us.. everything seemed fine.. until one day he didn't come home from work! Mum finds out his passport is gone and so are mine and my sisters' birth certificates.. He ran away to Russia to divorce my mum without her knowledge, providing the court with our birth certificates anyways blah blah. Point is he is a fucking dickhead.

During mid puberty I had really really really bad acne, to the point of crying every night about how ugly I was and falling into a slight depression. Thinking about how much pain i was in emotionally, still makes my eyes water a little to this day. Anyway, of course I was being bullied at school about my troubles. To make things worse, while this was happening, I was still being abused mentally, physically and emotionally by my father. Even he had the audacity to bully me about my skin, saying I had a mouldy face. ALL THIS FROM A FATHER FIGURE - SOMEONE WHO I WAS SUPPOSED TO !!TRUST!!

Finally my mum decided to take me to the dermatologist (after a year of me having a "mouldy" face!) I started medication and my skin cleared up. I felt more confident about myseld so I resorted to becoming a slut at the age of 16 and sleep around with guys, reaching double digits. Finally I got caught out by my virgin-until-marriage-mother. We had shared a few heated conversations about the topic. I have become a "used rag" to her. I relaxed with my sluttiness and focused on school.

I finished school, started uni, met my boyfriend, fell in love. A few months into our relationship I had told my mum I was seeing someone. Straight away she asks for pictures, only to be disappointed and enraged that he is not white (his mum is Italian and dad is Peruvian). So, out of fear I told her I had cut all ties with him, but in actuality I was still continuing to date him. So last year (a year into our relationship), she finds condoms in my drawer and confronts me. At first she thought I had turned back to my slut days, so I just thought, alright I'll just say the truth, so I told her that I was still seeing Daniel. She went SUPER SAIYAN! Full didn't talk to me and treated me like garbage for two weeks, after which I decided you know what this is fucking enough I'm not going to be treated like this by my own mother this is my life I fell in love I can't just un love someone because she doesn't like him. So, while nobody was at home, I packed all my things and moved to my boyfriends house. Blocked everyones numbers so nobody could reach me and left a note for my mum stating why I had done what I did. So next day I check my email and literally about 15 emails from her begging me to come back home that she won't poke her nose into my life anymore that she's nothing without me that she needs me and that I'm her best daughter. So I got emotional and came back home.

So a year later we are here now. A few months ago my dad got angry at me for the stupidest shit and EXPLODED about my relationship with Daniel, calling me and him all sorts of names unavailable in the dictionary. I never treat my dad with respect so after this incident shit just starting flowing from my mouth and my attitude pretty shitty too. Anyways, my mother, (who I really really love because she was the only parent there for me through most things in my life, even though she can be pretty shitty, she never laid a hand on me) took my father's side because I already told you how she felt about me dating my boyfriend. She calls him "my man", because he is her "husband" (not really since they are divorced) but she was raised traditionally, once married, always married, no divorces etc all about god and faith. SHE TOOK THE SIDE of her so called "man", who divorced her and abuses her children!!! Every time he does something shit to me I get him back with attitude and just as much shit as he threw my way, she ALWAYS defends him and always tells me that he is my father and to have respect. FOR FUCKS SAKE! would a normal loving father divorce his wife or abuse his children or cheat on his wife or destroy a family??!?!? NO! I hate him. I don't even want to call him my father. He is the man who had sex with my mum and then I was born. AND THAT'S ALL!! I HATE HIM. Not a single little tiny bit of love in my heart for him. NONE. He destroyed me. I'm fucked mentally and emotionally because of him.

And my mum still stays with him! All in the name of faith and tradition!!! WHAT ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN, WOMAN?! He destroyed us! Then she fucking complains and questions us about why we are the way we are?!!?? Why we have so much disrespect and shittiness in us. AND THEN she blames my attitude and actions on my boyfriend?!!! that I am the way I am because I am with him. Because I let myself be with someone who is not white. She doesn't understand that she can't make me be who she wants me to be. I AM MY OWN PERSON. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE BE SOMEONE THEY DON'T WANT TO BE. She always tells me that she loves me and that her children are the only treasure she has in life. You know I love my mum so much, I actually thought about leaving my boyfriend just so she can be happy, because she has never been happy in her entire life. Her parents raised her to be a loyal woman who stands by her husband at all costs, so turned out to be that her husband is a fucking dickhead. And now she is miserable and she is torn between her beliefs and her children.

But I won't leave my boyfriend. We have talked about marriage and having a family. He loves me way too much. He loves me more than I love him and I don't think I will ever be able to hurt him in that way. But I also want my mum to be happy..

I am so torn I don't know what to do. Getting a lump in my throat right now to stop myself from crying... this is a really shit go in my life. I just want things to be simple. I want to have a normal father who loves me and doesn't cause me pain and a mum who accepts my decisions in life... I just want a normal family why can't things just be simple.

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