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Parent rant ;/

Posted by Chappy, 04 April 2014 · 740 views

parents money i cant understand
I'm sorry for ranting, but I honestly feel like this is the only place I can do it without people asking or messaging me if I am depressed or something.
I guess, take this as me opening up one of my biggest issues from a weird 20 year old.
I'm not. I just want someone to listen without telling me:"just pray about it". I get it and I do, but its just not what I want at all.

Again I apologize and even if no one reads this I'll feel better XD
I'll try to make more interesting blogs or something...I don't actually know what is suppose to be on blogs.

Pretty much this is me hating my dad. There's some part of me that loves him, since he's not all good,but I can't pinpoint when he's been nice. The bad parts pretty much eat up the good. I assume some of this is because he's Persian (culture wise) and old (65). He's racist, sex-ist, and every -ist hater on the planet. He hates everything breathing that doesn't do something for him or make food.

I don't mind helping him, but I hate his attitude. He's not stupid or anything and could google search and do actually a lot of things that are quite impressive. I do want to help except it's always vague and he gets extremely angry when I don't understand exactly what he wants. I think he needs to go see someone for his anger issues. They are insanely long and while yes ,cursing is fine it's kinda stressful hearing you dad say your a fucking stupid ass. My least favorite is when he directly says "FUCK YOU" to me. It's like, seriously I'm your daughter and I don't think that's ok to say that to me when I'm helping you.

That's a small issue. Honestly his favorite argumentative standpoints are: "you don't understand English" & "You don't respect me".

My #1 worst experience is when he asked me to mail a large envelope to a PO box via Fedex and asked for me to get a receipt. Fedex does not ship to PO box so I went to the post office. I then mailed it off and got a sales receipt. He comes home and then starts screaming at me because he wanted a "tracking/the person to sign that they got it" with the letter. He never said he wanted a tracking number or anything and that is not a regular receipt. I'm not exaggerating when it was almost 4hrs of him yelling at me saying how he KNEW that Fedex doesn't ship to PO boxes and that I had no RESPECT for him since I didn't call him when I was at the post office to mail the package. Also that I don't speak English because I didn't know what a receipt is. When I listened to this bull shit for the whole time I calmly asked him why was he yelling and couldn't just tell me that I was wrong and we could send another together.

He then starts to yell saying because I was wrong and made a mistake I deserved to hear all those curse words and dealing with his anger. Then mostly it goes down him saying how I make him stressed in life. I usually tell him to do it himself so he doesn't get stressed out. 90% of the time it's: So you can learn about life. Later you'll thank me.

Sorry for this stupid rant, but I always feel a small bit of resentment towards him. He never has done anything to physically hurt us so it's not illegal or anything like that. I just hate that I depend on him. I'm trying to get a job and stuff, but with no work experience its like playing the lotto.

Last few things. I just want to say, yes my life is not as bad as others. I know that. I'm only 20 and even that's not a justification for the things I am not. I know I should be grateful since I have luxuries like my own room or someone who buys me baking butter, but I can't help but feel how I do. Many apologize for I speak funny. I may not reflect my understanding of the English language well, but I understand English. Especially broken English.

There's really nothing to say except I'm sorry if you guys felt like I sound like whiny bitch. I'm not trying to be. I guess I'm just your typical weirdo ^w^
Thank you~



Naw! *hug* I had almost the same experience with my Dad - minus the curse words. I feel like I have to write an essay about how similar my situation is! All will be just fine in time. It's a power game. Only you can work out the rules to the game, but one important tip is you need to master the rules of the game better than he does. It's unfair but this is a challenge of life - honour and respect yourself by not walking away, continue loving him and don't ever treat him how he treats you. One day you'll leave home and you will be the gatekeeper of your own emotions - remember, no one has the right to hurt you without your own permission. So don't give it to him, and don't give him the enjoyment of reacting the way you do. Don't get upset, be rational, be kind - even when you're (unjustly) being yelled at. Soon his minimising tactics will wear off.

 

Believe me it works - it's what $1000 of weekly therapy does for me.

 

Stay strong beautiful!

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I totally get where you're coming from. I grew up in an Indian household and my dad always saw my (or my mother's) opinions are garbage, he still does. Despite the fact that I am a soon-to-be-pharmacist with actual medical training, he refuses to listen to anything I have to say regarding his health status. In fact, he'll belittle me by saying that I'm just a kid and don't know what I'm doing. I definitely resent him at times when I feel like I'm fighting to gain respect and it seems like he gets pleasure out of putting me down. 

 

Despite all this, I agree with Magical about taking control of your own emotions. While I feel pain when he acts this way towards me, I try not to let it alter my actions. Hopefully one day he'll realize that I'm enough of an adult to continue doing the right thing. Its so easy to try and fight poison with poison but in the end, its never worth it. Stay strong and things will fall into place :) And NEVER feel bad about needing to get things off your chest, we all need to vent sometimes! 

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I'm super teary right now. I really appreciate your suggestion and in a way I'm glad I'm not crazy or anything like that.
I'm not even sure why he acts like that.

I feel it may change when I move out or when I go live in a dorm. I always feel a constant need to gain approval or respect since it doesn't happen often.

Thank you both so much! I definitely think if I become emotionally stronger it'd be better. I think since I keep it bottled sometimes it comes out with some sort of fireball fury or something.

Thanks for letting me rant XD Even though my grammar is really bad I feel like typing it out is easier than saying it. (if that makes sense)

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Naw! You are just gorgeous hun!

 

I come from a very European family, half of them Hungarian. Everything is done with aggression, force, physical strength etc. It's a pretty brute race, without very little concern for deep emotional insight, so I struggled for a very long time with my Dad. However, after 13 years of pain, multiple self-harming episodes and suicide attempts, we're both good. It's taken it's toll on me. I have my bad days as a result of the struggle, but hey, there will come a time when all will be good.

 

I highly, highly recommend that you go and see a psychologist or psychiatrist. You have no idea how good your life can be. I know once you drop the p-bomb, you think you're nuts. But that's not true at all. All of us will go through a lot. Yes, some of your issues with your Dad are cultural, but I wouldn't be surprised if he (unconsciously) struggles too.

 

Rant as much as you like my dear, this is what I live for :*

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>w< Thank yoU~

I think at school we do have a psychologist who could do that. LOL the "p-bomb". 

I'm sure he did struggle with it since he did have some crazy childhood.

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Absolutely! Go for it. The more you feel, the more human you are. It's part of life. :*

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I can relate so much with all of this, and also with @Magical background story.

One thing I've learned with all the abuses I suffered from my father is that, no matter how close (blood relation) a family member is to you, no way that's an excuse for any kind of abuse. And it certainly it's not an obligation for having a real relationship with them.

My father is my father - DNA stuff and all that, but that's all, he's not my "dad". He never was. He's just the man that, unfortunately, married my mum and turned our lives into a living hell.

Just like you, when I was younger I felt the need to make him to respect me the way I respected him. But as soon I understood that not all the kids had a "father" like mine was, I lost the little respect I had for him.
It's not like I started to treat him the way he treated me, my mom and my brother, but I simply started to live like he didn't existed.
We lived under the same roof but I did not spoke a word to him for more than 10 years.

When I was old enough and had saved money enough, I moved out and took my mum with me (my brother already had moved a few years before). It was the best thing we did.

 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to seek for his approval, respect, love, etc.
If he doesn't have any of those things for you as human being, we will never have them for you as his daughter, no matter how much you crawl and try to be the best daughter in the world. It's not your fault, you don't have feel guilty for something that others do to you.

Some of the few people that know my story says I'm too extreme, but I just learned the hard way.

Blood it isn't the strongest thing in this life. And you are free to choose your family, no matter what people/religion/ethics/whatever say.
If it's hurts you, is not family.

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I may not be as extreme, but it makes perfect logical sense. I can't wait to move out and be away from this all since it really takes a toll on me and time. 

My mom kinda does the same thing your family does. She doesn't talk to him unless she really needs to.

I think it's just now that I'm older I'm trying to figure out what's best for me physically and mentally. Hearing these things really makes me feel not really alive, but understand that I'm not doing the wrong things.

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Maybe when you move out, both of you can work your relationship. I know cases in which that happened. Sometimes a little distance is enough to see the other side, in this case your father see what he's been doing to you.
But if that doesn't happen when you move out... well.

If you don't want to cut out for good with him, I guess you need to find some way to show to him everything he does to you and how it affects you.
It's not easy, believe me, I tried with my father once. I forgave him for all the things he put me through. I did it mostly because my mom asked me to try having a relationship with him and he asked me for forgivness with tears in his eyes. And despite the fact I knew he was just acting and lying once again, I gave him a second chance. But people don't change their nature and with his age it's even worst to try to shape his personality with others. So, me and my mom gave up.

Maybe your father will come to his senses when you move? One of those cases "you don't know what you had until you lost it"?
I really hope so.
I hope both of you can find a way to connect like it should be a father-daughter relation. Because it's a sad situation. Time will come when he probably will need you, and if he does not open his heart and mind now while he still has the chance, later will be too late for him and for you to forgive him. :/

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@athayde

 

One of the differences in my family is that my Dad is actually a good person. Quick to help others out, exceptionally wise, very friendly. He's one of those really genuine people out there. The only problem is he could never control himself with me. And while the abuse has stopped, and he has changed significantly, realising that he is the cause of my trauma, I still have a long way to go in terms of recovery. My family is actually very compatible. We all work well. I'm so glad that we can relate in this!!

 

Yes, I have forgiven him, but in my head, not my heart. It will take catharsis for that. And I don't know when that happens.

 

Don't ever forget @ninetales that this issue in your life is your business. It is up to you what action to take - no one can force you to do anything, and don't be swayed by other people's opinions. Don't discount the possibility that one day he'll open his eyes and feel remorse. I think that's the biggest mistake most people make. On the other hand, don't assume he will change. These things are not to be decided upon now, as the scars are much too fresh. But keep this in mind in the future.

 

My psychiatrist puts it like this - he tries to be the best father he can be, in the absolute wrong way. He hurts you, but at the same time doesn't want to/doesn't realise the pain he is causing in that period of time. My brother once told me, that after an extremely intense episode of abuse, my father went to his room, cried and said 'I can't believe I just did that!'

 

The point is, however, that you need to talk about this stuff and get help. Please do talk to your school Councillor and if possible, go and see a psychiatrist, chances are this intense relationship is causing you a lot of emotional pain requiring medication (the m-bomb! - completely normal!)

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I will fully advocate seeing a therapist/psychologist/counsellor/whatever. I think it's utterly ridiculous that more people don't. We don't (or shouldn't!) ignore constant physical aches, pains and problems and we all know that with a lot of serious illness it's easier to prevent than cure, and easier to cure when things are caught early.

 

Your mind is still a part of your body and your mental health is equally as important as your physical health and in fact can have a significant impact on your physical health. There's no shame in taking more care of it and as with your physical health, sometimes you need a bit of help. It's why we have doctors. You can eat well and exercise but sometimes your body is going to fail you regardless and your mind is the same. Sometimes the tiniest tweak can make all the difference - an emotional equivalent to being more active or cutting out a food you're intolerant to.

 

I run quite a lot, mostly half marathons. I've also had a dodgy knee since I was about 16, so a good 9 years or so now. Sometimes when I've been running a lot, or didn't warm up well or cool down properly, or my form is off, my knee kills. We're talking reducing me to tears, barely able to walk levels of pain. Now the clear answer there is not to try and run a half marathon the next day. Rest it, see a doctor, go to a physio, assess my form, do I need new trainers etc. Common sense to everyone that to continue running straight away in the same way won't help and could make things worse. But when the same thing happens with our minds, we all seem to just keep going, putting ourselves through the same scenarios over and over with no change but expecting a different outcome.

 

Your situation isn't forever and you already realise that there are cultural and generation differences that don't excuse his actions but likely contribute to his attitude which I think helps you with acceptance a little. I moved out at 17 and never went back because of issues with my mother and whilst we will never be close, time and distance have both been healers and allowed an element of forgiveness. And making that jump originally was the making of my relationship then and that boyfriend became my husband and I forged a life that I wouldn't change for the world out of unhappiness. But your situation is ongoing and it's making you unhappy still, right now. You can't change your dad overnight, presumably you can't change your living situation either, but you need to make some sort of change to help yourself cope better because it's not okay to feel this way constantly.

 

It may be that talking it through will be enough, it may be that you learn some of mechanism like meditation or mindfulness that can help you deal with the feelings. Channel those feelings into music or art or sport or your studies. I personally avoid medication at all costs because it's a bit of an immediate easy resort in the UK and I feel that unless you can't actually cope with day to day living, it's better to work the root of the problem instead. But if it's something that could help you, then medication exists for a reason. Again, we take painkillers and anti-inflammatories and all sorts for even minor maladies.

 

Have a chat with someone though. You don't necessarily have to keep it up if you feel it's not for you but you do need to take greater control of this situation and your own happiness and seeing a professional is a great starting point for gaining some perspective and direction.

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I think my situation is more like @athayde 's. I mean my dad's not an ass in public ,but the second we're not he like flips his attitude. I'm sure there is some good in him ,but I can't quite pinpoint is all.

I do think things will massively change when I move out. I'm like 90% sure he may change something in him. I've never heard him say Sorry, but I know sometimes he feels bad after being a complete ass to me. 

I do open up sometimes, but I feel that maybe it's different. I am religious and praying helps me a lot, but I feel sometimes I need just a bit more. (I hope that makes sense) 
I guess I wanted a more human-ish, genuine kind of thing. At church and stuff people just say: oh it's just a test or just pray about it. Where as here I feel like, I'm not crazy and it's like people actually care (I'm not saying all people at church don't but at the time in my life it feels like that)

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Use how he makes you feel as fuel to remove yourself from the situation. You're his daughter, sure- but you are in no way morally obliged to put up with it.

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That's prolly a good idea. I try not to get too involved, but I think I am obligated to help him when he needs it. 

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