I'm all out of Holiday Cheer
social anxiety fucking bfs my room
Be warned: I'm ranting and venting again because I don't have anyone to rant and vent to in person who can give me a hug.
It seems odd, but I can't stand confrontation so I tend to just give up really easily, which makes it seem like I'm being really nice. I don't want to be nice, I don't like being stepped on, but I'm too afraid of confrontation to do anything about it. I have social anxiety, so confrontation is very difficult for me. I had to have my CA there just to ask my roommate if I could move her desk so it was by her bed instead of right next to my bed and my desk. It's finals week, and I really did not want her boyfriend in our room at all this week. I have insomnia, and have an early final tomorrow, so not being able to go in my room until 11pm or later isn't good for. Issue is, last time I refused to let him, (they wanted to watch a tv show after having the room for 2 WHOLE HOURS), I got the whole "it's not just your room" speech from her. She did sign a roommate agreement that says no opposite gender visitors, and I'm really on the verge of taking it to our CA for help because I can't tell her otherwise I'm just going to get the "it's not just your room" speech over and over again.
It's 9:30 and the ice cream thing our college does during finals week isn't till 10, she could use it now, but she won't. She doesn't think, and as I said I'm too afraid to do anything about it. I don't even want ice cream, but I'm being forced out. And then she goes "Darling, you had all day to study but you played league". One: DON'T EVER CALL ME ANYTHING OTHER THAN MY NAME AND TALK DOWN TO ME! Two: I have insomnia! It wasn't about studying, it was about how much time it takes me to fall asleep when I have an early final tomorrow! I need sleep to be able to perform at my best!
Then there's the fact that I'm just the "backup" roommate. She originally wanted to room with her friend Sam, who got study abroad for the year. I was the second choice. And I'm glad Sam isn't here for the whole year, because when she was, I was completely ignored by everyone. My roommate is constantly rubbing the fact that she'd rather room with Sam in my face (unintentionally, but it still hurts). There are apartment style dorms on campus for four people, and I suggested that if we could find a fourth we could room/live in one together. Instead I hear "oh me, sam, sarah and kerri are living together".
Problem is, then I internalize my hate and utter depression. Yay.
It's only the 13th and I'm already out of Holiday Cheer.