1
I was reading on all the course materials for next semester (i.e. syllabus, required texts, clinical dates, conference schedules) on Blackboard. On the clinical spreadsheet, it showed who was with what hospital/institution/doctor. I found my name and I'm scheduled for Mondays at 7AM. Bummer, but I'll live. I looked through the list to see if I'm grouped with my friends (or people I particularly don't have an affinity to because I don't particularly mind them). I couldn't find Enzo's name. I double checked the list and counted the rows of students and counted one less person.
I had to assume the worst. He dropped out.
I want to assume that Doc Scherf made left this mistake remain for over a month despite being the neurotic and OCD person he is. One time he deducted one point off my pharmacology exam grade for scribbling away at an incorrect date instead of with a single strike through line.
So I'm right here at 2:50 AM just panicking because Enzo was one of the few people I would definitely never hesitate in saying he is my friend (I have a severe fear of intimacy and the label itself repulses me). When we first entered the program, we didn't talk much but the desperation to not fail out with nothing to show for it except for student loan debt brought us together. We even promised each other that the moment we feel like we're slipping in our work and studies, we (along with everyone else in our circlejerk of psychiatry students) wouldn't second guess of pounding the alarm for an emergency study group. We have no lives outside our school anyway. And believe me, our ''Coffee or Die" sessions were frequent and stressful but everyone benefited from them. We taught each other and that made the world of difference. Because of the times I helped my friends out, I even considered a possibility of being (on top of practice) a college psychology or even psychiatry professor because I enjoy teaching and hearing myself talk and people are (for the most part) motivated to listen and learn.
But back to Enzo. I knew he was not at the top of his game with the spring semester. He was getting by but barely. What bothered me the most was that it felt like he was self-defeated before the first day of the semester in January. He went to study groups, but never initiated them (which he normally did) and he basically started to fall off the face of my very narrow Earth. When we did clinicals and research presentations, he would do well in those so I would assume that every other evaluation or examination would reflect the same level of proficiency.
Even though I am fully convinced he dropped out, I refuse to think he failed out. Even though our class started with 30 students. Even though many people dropped out after the first test. Even when the wait-list people got in. Even when one of the wait-list people dropped out at the end of the first semester.
But it sucks
So badly.
I have his number. My phone record is 97% from my study group in both group texts and phone calls. If you have an iPhone, you can understand that I can keep scrolling pages and page from my own personal texts with him from all the way since July for our orientation. I just did so and his first text to me is "Ayyyyyyyy -Enzo". I probably miscounted the y's but that's not the point.
I know it's late in the night for me right now but I don't have the heart or mind to ask him about why he isn't listed in the schedule.
Being the very self-aware person I am, I know that I can handle the bad news (if he really did drop out) and make every effort to still be friends and keep in contact, but I refuse to make the first step in contacting him because I can't accept that he did drop out and would either (1) rather wait for him to confront me about it because I'm a wuss when it comes to people I give a shit about or (2) believe that I can do nothing because this could just be a possible mistake from the Doc and everything will fix itself to what it was before or better when everyone returns.
I don't know what to do.
That's a lie.
I do know what to do and how to face it.
I just don't want to face the matter on my own
I had to assume the worst. He dropped out.
I want to assume that Doc Scherf made left this mistake remain for over a month despite being the neurotic and OCD person he is. One time he deducted one point off my pharmacology exam grade for scribbling away at an incorrect date instead of with a single strike through line.
So I'm right here at 2:50 AM just panicking because Enzo was one of the few people I would definitely never hesitate in saying he is my friend (I have a severe fear of intimacy and the label itself repulses me). When we first entered the program, we didn't talk much but the desperation to not fail out with nothing to show for it except for student loan debt brought us together. We even promised each other that the moment we feel like we're slipping in our work and studies, we (along with everyone else in our circlejerk of psychiatry students) wouldn't second guess of pounding the alarm for an emergency study group. We have no lives outside our school anyway. And believe me, our ''Coffee or Die" sessions were frequent and stressful but everyone benefited from them. We taught each other and that made the world of difference. Because of the times I helped my friends out, I even considered a possibility of being (on top of practice) a college psychology or even psychiatry professor because I enjoy teaching and hearing myself talk and people are (for the most part) motivated to listen and learn.
But back to Enzo. I knew he was not at the top of his game with the spring semester. He was getting by but barely. What bothered me the most was that it felt like he was self-defeated before the first day of the semester in January. He went to study groups, but never initiated them (which he normally did) and he basically started to fall off the face of my very narrow Earth. When we did clinicals and research presentations, he would do well in those so I would assume that every other evaluation or examination would reflect the same level of proficiency.
Even though I am fully convinced he dropped out, I refuse to think he failed out. Even though our class started with 30 students. Even though many people dropped out after the first test. Even when the wait-list people got in. Even when one of the wait-list people dropped out at the end of the first semester.
But it sucks
So badly.
I have his number. My phone record is 97% from my study group in both group texts and phone calls. If you have an iPhone, you can understand that I can keep scrolling pages and page from my own personal texts with him from all the way since July for our orientation. I just did so and his first text to me is "Ayyyyyyyy -Enzo". I probably miscounted the y's but that's not the point.
I know it's late in the night for me right now but I don't have the heart or mind to ask him about why he isn't listed in the schedule.
Being the very self-aware person I am, I know that I can handle the bad news (if he really did drop out) and make every effort to still be friends and keep in contact, but I refuse to make the first step in contacting him because I can't accept that he did drop out and would either (1) rather wait for him to confront me about it because I'm a wuss when it comes to people I give a shit about or (2) believe that I can do nothing because this could just be a possible mistake from the Doc and everything will fix itself to what it was before or better when everyone returns.
I don't know what to do.
That's a lie.
I do know what to do and how to face it.
I just don't want to face the matter on my own
Suck it up. How do you think he feels right now (If he did drop out)? Make an effort for your friends sake and be there for him.