30 replies to this topic

[Boggart]

I need a little help/advice on a serious manner.

 

I personally feel wronged, severely wronged, by somebody who is no longer in my life. However, I still think about them and I can't seem to move on because of what they did. We no longer ever talk, but I still think about them everyday and it's been just under a year since it happened.

 

Time heals all wounds, forgive and forget, I've heard them all. But really, all I've been doing is letting time help me forget about everything. But I still haven't forgiven. I feel they don't deserve my forgiveness; they haven't changed. They don't feel sorry for what they've done. They don't even understand how much I was hurt and don't even understand why it was even wrong in the first place. How can I forgive someone like that?

 

I see articles about people who forgive people who rape them, or who've murdered their young children. How do these people forgive people like that? How is it humanly possible?

 

My friend says that I don't forgive them for them, but I forgive them, for me. I don't understand. How do I do it? How do I move on?

 

#SadRant

[Sweeney]

Get therapy.

[NapisaurusRex]

I seriously struggle with forgiving people, especially with repeated offenses. For me, with large things, I have to make a strong conscious effort to not be bitter or anything about that person in my mind. The moment I think or that person or thing, I have to immediately think of something else or try to find things in my life that would be better if I let that thing go. (for example, if I'm mad at my ex from 6 years ago, it affects my biases toward men and weakens my relationship with yung, etc.) I can't dwell on those things, even when I'm alone, or it'll make it worse.

Some things take lots longer than others though.

[Rival]

I think forgiveness is, on the human level, one of the hardest things to do. What varies is who we have trouble forgiving.

 

I can forgive nearly anyone any wrongdoing against me. I've been brutalized in some pretty heinous ways that I really don't want to go into here. I forgive these people because to me, it's just something that comes relatively naturally. I can pin their actions on environmental factors and make excuses for them. You see, I don't want to believe that others are inherently bad people. I desperately want to believe humans are good.

 

The person I can never forgive is myself. I can't get over my own insecurities, my own faults, my own transgressions. I like myself a little more now than I ever have, but it's still very difficult to forgive myself for things that I damn well know I can't pin on the environment. I can use the uncertainty factor when forgiving others; I can't do that for me, because I know the circumstances. I lived them. I made those choices.

 

It's caused me a lot of problems. You not being able to forgive your friend will probably cause you problems too. It's the same dilemma, but seen from opposite sides. So I think maybe you could try to do what I do: don't waste energy on actively trying to forgive, but instead just live day by day. Let time work its magic. Seek help - talk to people you trust about how you are feeling. If you have no one to talk to, write things down. Just random thoughts. One step at a time. It's cliche, but it's the only thing we can do, sometimes.

 

I really hope things look up for you. I wish I could be of more help.

[Drakonid]

I seriously struggle with forgiving people, especially with repeated offenses. For me, with large things, I have to make a strong conscious effort to not be bitter or anything about that person in my mind. The moment I think or that person or thing, I have to immediately think of something else or try to find things in my life that would be better if I let that thing go. (for example, if I'm mad at my ex from 6 years ago, it affects my biases toward men and weakens my relationship with yung, etc.) I can't dwell on those things, even when I'm alone, or it'll make it worse.

Some things take lots longer than others though.

DIdn't you make this exact same thread like a month ago?

[NapisaurusRex]

DIdn't you make this exact same thread like a month ago?

Thread? I made a revenge thread, where half of you happy fucks talked about forgiveness and the other half kind of made me a little weirded out with your grudges and vengeance.

[Eefi]

Get therapy.

This isn't even that bad of an idea. Many people could use therapy but don't because of the impression it makes on other people.

[Sweeney]

Yeah... I wasn't being sarcastic.

[Mishatu]

I'm just going to leave one of my favorite sayings here.

 

"Hate does them no harm and you no good."

[NapisaurusRex]

I'm just going to leave one of my favorite sayings here.

 

"Hate does them no harm and you no good."

You obviously haven't been hated hard enough.

[Keil]

Pop a pill and let the cotton candy leprechauns wisp you to a candy oasis.

 

But really, the first step to really get over anything is to understand what you really want. It doesn't seem to me that you want you be accepted, recognized, or "validified" by this person. Instead you really just want to express to this person how the situation has affected you over time and regardless of how the person will react, you would seem to be at peace afterwards. Even if this person is oblivious and/or unresponsive to what you may say, this predicament is just for you to get things off your chest.

 

If that doesn't convince you, the attempt to talk to this person even after not talking for a year is cheaper than a bearded psychoanalyst just nodding to everything you say while secretly scribbling doodles of his partner, naked just like when they first met.  

[Pilot]

If you want further advice we'll need to know what happened

[Nymh]

If they feel no remorse, then they deserve no forgiveness.

 

I see articles about people who forgive people who rape them, or who've murdered their young children. How do these people forgive people like that? How is it humanly possible?

 

This type of forgiveness is a coping mechanism.  It helps some people to feel better about something awful that's happened to them if they can force themselves to let go of the pain and ill-will that they harbor toward the other person.

[willy101]

If it's been a year and it's something you're still struggling with maybe confrontation is what you need. Reconciliation doesn't necessarily mean forgiveness maybe it just means berating them. Don't get mad get even

[Sweeney]

If it's been a year and it's something you're still struggling with maybe confrontation is what you need. Reconciliation doesn't necessarily mean forgiveness maybe it just means berating them. Don't get mad get even

 

I don't think you know what reconciliation means...

[Galadriel]

Cut them.

[willy101]

Cut them.

username makes this post so ironic 

[Rival]

Cut them.

oh Jesus you never disappoint.

 

 

There are some good points here. Forgiveness isn't something that's obligated of you, but it can provide comfort. 

[Honey]

If you don't feel like to forgive them so don't. If you want to be mad so be mad at them. I don't see any problems.

They did wrong. I wouldn't want to understand why I should forgive them for their actions.

But it's true that you must or will "forgive" them for yourself some day. Sometimes it needs a couple of months, years or decades to get over it.

Why should you hold a grudge against them and wear yourself down while they live happily?

[ceterisparibus]

If you're serious about making up with the other individual, I feel that one key factor would be to let go of any ego that you might have before approaching it. Sometimes when I want to apologise to someone, the whole sense of not wanting to give in overwhelms me and prevents me from doing it properly. 

 

I do admit that I know little of the situation so it may not be applicable, but I hope it helps you in some manner. Do try not to dwell too much on it ok?

[luvsmyncis]

If they feel no remorse, then they deserve no forgiveness.

Indeed. If there is no apology, there is nothing to forgive. You could go up to him and say, "Hey. I forgive you for that bad thing you did." but if he has no regrets about it, he'll just be like, "Uh. Ok."

No. I think it's best to let this hatred burn inside you for the rest of your days. It is a lesson you learned the hard way, it's a battle scar on your emotions. It is no crime to be bitter about something forever. Not everyone can shrug off wrongs done to them.

Why should you hold a grudge against them and wear yourself down while they live happily?

Why not? I will never forgive JJ Abrams for the pointlessness of LOST or for fucking up Star Trek. The utter disdain and spitting rage I feel at the mere mention of his name gives me an odd feeling of contentment. He doesn't believe he's done anything wrong, he has no remorse. He deserves NO FORGIVENESS.

[Kauvara]

Just try your best to move on. It's going to take a while, maybe a few years or longer. But eventually, the time will come when you just don't give a fuck about the situation anymore. As many have said here, it doesn't seem like they deserve forgiveness in the first place. Try to not stress about people who don't stress about you, ya know? It's not worth it.

 

On a more optimistic note, getting through this sort of thing makes you that much more stronger and experienced. Not to mention it sounds like you have other people in your life that you can count on.

Edited by Jabberwock, 02 May 2013 - 06:27 AM.

[Boggart]

Lmao you guys brighten my day.

I find myself basically not giving a shit. I don't care what they think about me anymore,
But I just feel so personally insulted. Not by anyone but him. I find myself growing apathetic about their existence, which is good, but I haven't forgiven him. He doesn't deserve forgiveness, but people keep telling me I need to forgive him to move on. All the people who've wronged me in the past, I've either cut them from my life and not given a fuck, or I've made a conscious effort to forgive them because all the good they've done before, or they deserve forgiveness.

This case is different and it I've cut them from my life but I definitely gave more than a fuck.

I was talking to my friend and she said that at one point, she felt the same way and just wanted to run into someone who wronged her and make them feel like complete crap. To just hate them and make them see what they've done. But over time, she stopped thinking that way and forgiven those people. I still haven't. I find myself thinking of ways to hurt him if we ever randomly see each other.

I know that's so unhealthy. But I feel apathy isn't healthy either. I need... Acceptance? I need change? I dunno blehh