123 replies to this topic

[Boggart]

It's not even just the sex. It's just unrealistic that 1 person can meet all of your needs forever and you can meet all of theirs. So you accept that you compromise on however much stuff...your partner doesn't make you laugh as much, or their taste in music is a bit crap, or you fight over how childcare or chores or something would be and so you end up seeking what they lack in other people. And I'm quite selfish and want absolutely everything to be wonderful and also want my husband to be perfectly happy and it's impossible. Monogamy is just mental.

True. We emotionally cheat on each other all the time. Where we realize "we can't talk about ______ with [partner]" so we go to other people .Why is it different for sex?

[Ali]

This.

 

EDIT: FTFY

Well. It's not. Christianity certainly isn't the only religion to practice monogamy and it evolved into society far before Christianity entered the equation.

[Boggart]

Well. It's not. Christianity certainly isn't the only religion to practice monogamy and it evolved into society far before Christianity entered the equation.

He said Cristian crap. He clearly is talking about @Nymh and @Sweeney

[Waser Lave]

Why is it different for sex?

 

That depends entirely on what your view of sex is. For some people sex is purely a physical act which can be detached from emotions while others put much more emphasis on the emotional and bonding aspect. For people of the former persuasion an open relationship would probably be fine because they wouldn't necessarily view it as 'cheating' or being 'unfaithful' to their actual partner.  Personally, I tend to lean more towards the latter so I've never really been one for sleeping around purely for physical gratification because I can't detach it from the emotional side and there's no way I could cope with an open relationship.

 

As for relationships on the whole, as with most of life's difficult questions I find that there's often convergence with a fine cheese. As a cheese ages you can sometimes find that it will start to present patches of mould which, if left unattended, would grow to consume the entire cheese. Sometimes it's fine to just scrape off those patches and the cheese will be perfectly edible but if you find that you're having to scrape ever more patches of mould eventually you'll be left with no cheese at all and just a pile of mouldy rind spread about the place. Once you've reached that point you need to find a new piece of cheese.

[Ali]

As for relationships on the whole, as with most of life's difficult questions I find that there's often convergence with a fine cheese. As a cheese ages you can sometimes find that it will start to present patches of mould which, if left unattended, would grow to consume the entire cheese. Sometimes it's fine to just scrape off those patches and the cheese will be perfectly edible but if you find that you're having to scrape ever more patches of mould eventually you'll be left with no cheese at all and just a pile of mouldy rind spread about the place. Once you've reached that point you need to find a new piece of cheese.

.........................I don't know how to process this

[Waser Lave]

.........................I don't know how to process this

 

My logic is undeniable.

[Ali]

My logic is undeniable.

Not denying it.

[Waser Lave]

Not denying it.

 

Because you can't, ain't no holes in my cheese metaphor.

[Ali]

Because you can't, ain't no holes in my cheese metaphor.

Not that sort of cheese.

[Boggart]

That depends entirely on what your view of sex is. For some people sex is purely a physical act which can be detached from emotions while others put much more emphasis on the emotional and bonding aspect. For people of the former persuasion an open relationship would probably be fine because they wouldn't necessarily view it as 'cheating' or being 'unfaithful' to their actual partner.  Personally, I tend to lean more towards the latter so I've never really been one for sleeping around purely for physical gratification because I can't detach it from the emotional side and there's no way I could cope with an open relationship.

 

As for relationships on the whole, as with most of life's difficult questions I find that there's often convergence with a fine cheese. As a cheese ages you can sometimes find that it will start to present patches of mould which, if left unattended, would grow to consume the entire cheese. Sometimes it's fine to just scrape off those patches and the cheese will be perfectly edible but if you find that you're having to scrape ever more patches of mould eventually you'll be left with no cheese at all and just a pile of mouldy rind spread about the place. Once you've reached that point you need to find a new piece of cheese.

But if the emotions is the reason why "cheating is wrong" then why is okay to "emotionally cheat" on your partner? In the sense that you depend on other people for other things and some people have like "work husbands/wives" or where they talk to their best friends because their partner can't satisfy them emotionally?

Unless the emotions behind sex is something that can only be achieved through sex alone and that other stuff is completely different.

[Waser Lave]

Not that sort of cheese.

 

I am a fan of food-based metaphors, it's something everybody can relate to and, therefore, can understand the deeper meaning beneath the creamy obfuscation.

[Ali]

But if the emotions is the reason why "cheating is wrong" then why is okay to "emotionally cheat" on your partner? In the sense that you depend on other people for other things and some people have like "work husbands/wives" or where they talk to their best friends because their partner can't satisfy them emotionally?

Not sure it necessarily is okay. I guess it depends how the whole relationship functions, there's a difference between being friends with someone because they're funny and spending time with someone because they're funnier than your husband. And it's that closeness that develops from them providing something your other half doesn't. Slippery slope in a lot of cases.

[Cass]

I'm way too jealous to have an open relationship. But my bisexual grandmother does have an open relationship. She's been together with her current girlfriend way before I was born and they are still together and still live together. Although not married, they fight like a married couple. They can't live with each other and they can't live without each other. And even though they both sometimes bring other men and women home, they love each other; something which comes apparent either one of them is away for a longer time (work, family, vacation with family etc).

 

I have thought about when I would ever consider an open relationship. I think the only time I would ever even consider having an open relationship is if my s/o and I would be apart for a very long time (for example if either of us have to work abroad and the other can't come for some reason). I wouldn't want our relationship to end that way but we would probably meet other people or could allow each other to fulfill sexual needs.

 

I don't think I would ever actually go for that though. As mentioned before, I'm WAY too jealous for something like that. But I see it working with my grandmothers, so I don't see a problem with it when others do it.

[Boggart]

Not sure it necessarily is okay.

I guess then, why is it frowned upon less? because it's more... visible?

[Cass]

And to add, I think that biologically an open relationship might be healthier. I don't think humans were really 'programmed' to be monogamous.

[Ali]

I guess then, why is it frowned upon less? because it's more... visible?

I think because it's less definitive. Where's the line with emotional cheating? You can pass it off more easily as meaning less.

[Waser Lave]

But if the emotions is the reason why "cheating is wrong" then why is okay to "emotionally cheat" on your partner? In the sense that you depend on other people for other things and some people have like "work husbands/wives" or where they talk to their best friends because their partner can't satisfy them emotionally?

Unless the emotions behind sex is something that can only be achieved through sex alone and that other stuff is completely different.

 

I don't view those things as being on the same level. Some things, while still related to emotions, are more superficial than others and so are fine (and perhaps better) to share on the friend-plane (not aircraft related) while others are deeper and so are more personal. It's important to be careful about where the line is drawn between the two though otherwise things can be very confusing and the two planes might start to narrow...

[Boggart]

I don't view those things as being on the same level. Some things, while still related to emotions, are more superficial than others and so are fine (and perhaps better) to share on the friend-plane (not aircraft related) while others are deeper and so are more personal. It's important to be careful about where the line is drawn between the two though otherwise things can be very confusing and the two planes might start to narrow...

if it's a plane it'll probably get shot down or crash or disappear

 

I guess I more mean: we can assume our partner won't be able to completely satisfy us emotionally and so we go to others at times. Why do we assume that sex will be the same way? Or is it simply ideal to just date someone who will sexually satisfy you and hope the rest is okay too

[Sweeney]

Sharing emotional things with other people isn't cheating, because I haven't promised to only share emotional things with my wife. That expectation would be ludicrous.

[Waser Lave]

I guess I more mean: we can assume our partner won't be able to completely satisfy us emotionally and so we go to others at times. Why do we assume that sex will be the same way? Or is it simply ideal to just date someone who will sexually satisfy you and hope the rest is okay too

 

Ideally you need both for a relationship to work. If the sex isn't working out then it's something than can often be worked on with communication and can be improved (though it will almost certainly grow a bit stale after a while, I can't deny that and I'm not sure what you'd do when you reach that point because I've never been there) but if the emotional side isn't working at all then it's much more difficult to fix...

[Boggart]

Sharing emotional things with other people isn't cheating, because I haven't promised to only share emotional things with my wife. That expectation would be ludicrous.

Oh i know that. I don't really know how to define emotionally cheating.

 

Or maybe it doesn't exist...?

Ideally you need both for a relationship to work. If the sex isn't working out then it's something than can often be worked on with communication and can be improved (though it will almost certainly grow a bit stale after a while, I can't deny that and I'm not sure what you'd do when you reach that point because I've never been there) but if the emotional side isn't working at all then it's much more difficult to fix...

I guess errrryone should just wait and not settle unless the person is a perfect or near-perfect match.

[Waser Lave]

Oh i know that. I don't really know how to define emotionally cheating.

 

Or maybe it doesn't exist...?

I guess errrryone should just wait and not settle unless the person is a perfect or near-perfect match.

 

Sharing your feelings with others I don't count as 'emotional cheating' anyway. That's not something exclusive to your partner, you have friends and family for that too.

 

 

You won't know if they're a perfect or near-perfect match until you've spent enough time with them. Relationships are essentially one long, complicated cheese-tasting session (with increasing amounts of wine over time).

[Sweeney]

Oh i know that. I don't really know how to define emotionally cheating.
 
Or maybe it doesn't exist...?

For sure, emotional cheating exists, but it'd be dependent on a far more intense relationship than just "sharing some feelings".

[Boggart]

Sharing your feelings with others I don't count as 'emotional cheating' anyway. That's not something exclusive to your partner, you have friends and family for that too.

 

 

You won't know if they're a perfect or near-perfect match until you've spent enough time with them. Relationships are essentially one long, complicated cheese-tasting session (with increasing amounts of wine over time).

True. When you date someone, you're either going to spend the rest of your life with them, or break up

For sure, emotional cheating exists, but it'd be dependent on a far more intense relationship than just "sharing some feelings".

I absolutely did not mean to sound like I thought that that's all it is lol. I'm having trouble defining what emotionally cheating in words would be.

[Sweeney]

True. When you date someone, you're either going to spend the rest of your life with them, or break up

Or spend the rest of their life with them...

I absolutely did not mean to sound like I thought that that's all it is lol. I'm having trouble defining what emotionally cheating in words would be.

Cultivating a romantic relationship with someone other than your partner, in a supposedly monogamous relationship.