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I make bad choices even though I know they're bad

i hate life

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#1 Keil

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 01:40 PM

There is a classmate who is probably the person with the lowest grades and most likely to drop out of the program by the end of this semester. She's not a slacker by any means. Unlike me who reads/briefly annotates everything one time through and gets the material, she canvases her manual/printouts/text with different colored highlighters and sticky notes.

 

She asked me if I could review with her for both of the written finals we share on the 5th (the Friday before finals papers/exams/presentations are dealt with).  

 

Now hold up.

 

Before I said anything to her, that Friday is the day I promised to study with another group of classmates for the same exact set of tests. Problem is, I can't just include her in that study group because of personal dramas between her and several people. It's humorously similar to what you would read in Mishelle's blog; instead of drama arising from just not hanging out with people, drama breeds from ignoring scheduled study groups. It's almost like breaking breaking a blood contract.

 

If I flake out, chances are I won't be in their study group for the rest of the program. The thing is, I need that study group in order to learn everything proper because I learn through teaching and preparation. If I'm not able to teach/tutor someone else the material, then there's no way in hell I know it to begin with. The actual process of talking in a Socratic-seminar style is my best way of learning.

 

So this woman is at the point of begging me. She's on the brink of tears pleading for help. I basically zone out at that point to make a Pro and Con's list in my head before saying anything else. I sorted them out

 

PROS

  • If she passes with my help, her future test scores would shift the curve and make my grades higher.
  • Boosting my own ego by abiding to my identity. Helping as many people succeed is my personal maxim along with Understanding is contradiction.
  • She will owe me.

CONS

  • Excommunicated from the study group that follows my level of comprehension and speed. This study group proved to increase my grades rather than studying alone.
  • Time with her would result in babying her; minimal intelligent discussions, mostly spoon feeding.
  • She's not exactly attractive in appearance or personality. 
  • I would lose motivation to learn if I'm bored and unchallenged.
  • I don't think I can help her study if she did read everything, but severely lacks retention. Issues like that should be presented to the professors, not me.
  • I'm not all that energized to help her to begin with.

She stopped sniveling and I said my answer.

 

Sure. 

                                    

It's not that picking between her over the study group was the bad decision. It's putting myself in a position where I'm forced to make a hard decision later on is what makes me terrible. I gave her my word, but I can easily change it. I could very well flake out on her if I wanted to, but at the same time, I don't want to flake out on anyone. If I went by the PROS/CONS list I should outright rejected her plea and force her to confront the professors instead. But I didn't even though the CONS list was more numerous AND heavier than the PROS. That would have been the smart way to go.

 

tl:dr

 

What are some example of "bad" decision-making?

 

Is a person considered bad for consciously picking the worse of the two choices?

 

What compels someone to avoid the better of the two choices?



#2 Dan

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 02:40 PM

I think you should be an adult and try to repair the situation between the girl in question and the study group.

 

She gets the tutoring she needs, you get the "Socratic-seminar" learning you so desire. Everybody wins.



#3 redlion

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 02:47 PM

I think you should be an adult and try to repair the situation between the girl in question and the study group.
 
Everybody wins.

*implying he's not an adult*
*implying that that is the best resolution*
*assuming that he hadn't thought of that*

You're making a lot of assumptions and implications here that are really superficial.

I mean I'm not in Keil's head, so I can't know for sure, but it sounds like he's trying to say (nicely) that this woman is stupid and not able to keep up with the coursework in his program, whereas his study group is helping him to do so.

That seems like a clear cut case to me. But no, it's important to be PC and try to fix the problems of everyone in the world. Adults do that right?

#4 Dan

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 03:20 PM

*implying he's not an adult*
*implying that that is the best resolution*
*assuming that he hadn't thought of that*

You're making a lot of assumptions and implications here that are really superficial.

I mean I'm not in Keil's head, so I can't know for sure, but it sounds like he's trying to say (nicely) that this woman is stupid and not able to keep up with the coursework in his program, whereas his study group is helping him to do so.

That seems like a clear cut case to me. But no, it's important to be PC and try to fix the problems of everyone in the world. Adults do that right?

 

PC? You think I'm an advocate of being PC?  :unsure:

 

All I'm saying is that Keil clearly thinks that studying with the group is the best use of his time, but he's also interested in helping this girl out (for whatever reason, I can't quite figure it out). 

Both of those conditions are satisfied if he attempts to repair the situation with this girl and the study group - I don't think we should assume it as an impossibility. 

 

(And yes, I'm saying that adults attempt to repair friendships, especially when it can directly benefit you)



#5 Kat

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 03:23 PM

Why did you say yes if you think you'll flake on her? Yes it was a bad decision, and you're a bad person.

 


PROS

  • She will owe me.

CONS

  • She's not exactly attractive in appearance or personality. 

 

 

 

Wow..



#6 Keil

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 03:30 PM

I think you should be an adult and try to repair the situation between the girl in question and the study group.

 

She gets the tutoring she needs, you get the "Socratic-seminar" learning you so desire. Everybody wins.

 

On paper that does sound like the best solution, but it doesn't necessarily translate well into practice alone. Knowing the most logical solution and knowing how to reach that point are two different things. There are some weird factors that prevent people like me from making clear cut choices. For that example: Finals are approaching and I don't want a huge shit storm preoccupying me when I can spend that time studying on Codex.

 

Wow..

 

Being aware and understanding of oneself at a high level is a scary thing.



#7 Kat

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 03:39 PM

 

Being aware and understanding of oneself at a high level is a scary thing.

 

Having no empathy is a scary thing.



#8 Romy

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 04:09 PM

Having no empathy is a scary thing.


Dog eat dog.

#9 CaptainDantes

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 04:11 PM

Question: why can't you change the day you're studying with this girl so it doesn't conflict with your group?

#10 KaibaSama

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 04:16 PM

If she's tried everything, as it sounds like she's done, I don't think you'll be able to do much for her. I'd stick with your group instead of helping her. In the end, your grades are more important than her's. Since you said you need your study group to help understand things, in my opinion, you don't want to lose them and have your grades drop next semester because you flaked out to help someone who seems like they're beyond help.

#11 Keil

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 04:22 PM

Question: why can't you change the day you're studying with this girl so it doesn't conflict with your group?

 

It's just unfortunate with the schedules we have. We all have the same lectures at the same time with the exception of observations, but those observations screw over any attempt of many study groups outside of Fridays because we're each paired off with a different doctor for a few hours during the week at different times. The only time everyone is all absolutely available are Friday nights considering other factors. I checked with her schedule personally and it just won't work out because she has other time commitments whenever I'm free. Next Friday is a no go because of Thanksgiving break and the 5th is the last day to study together before the final week. 



#12 NapisaurusRex

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 05:48 PM

I'm confused about what the topic we're discussing is. Are we discussing your decision making abilities or ours'?



#13 luvsmyncis

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 06:51 PM

It's self sacrificing to help another person, which is usually a moral decision.


Especially when there is literally nothing to be gained. Good job, Samantha. Even though you are clearly a tremendous asshole, you are still earning your brownie points.

I'm confused about what the topic we're discussing is. Are we discussing your decision making abilities or ours'?


We should probably talk about the poor decisions we've made, fully knowing they were poor decisions. For instance, I ate 6 pieces of a Little Ceasar's Hot and Ready Deep Dish Pizza tonight. I knew it was not a good thing to do, but I did it anyway.

#14 NapisaurusRex

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 07:23 PM

my whole life is basically a poor decision



#15 Keil

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 07:26 PM

my whole life is basically a poor decision

 

Hey, that is not true. You eat healthier than 90% of the people in the world.



#16 DonValentino

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 07:44 PM

last night was a poor decision lol



#17 redlion

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 08:04 PM

Having no empathy is a scary thing.

Hyperbole.

I don't want to sound like an asshole, but that's the kind of comment that people make because they want their posts to be repped. It's a one liner. A sound bite. But it's not sound reasoning.

If you truly believe your hyperbole, you're assuming a whole hell of a lot about Keil's character. It isn't morally objectionable to set one's own grades ahead of others if it's ethical. He can recognize that his time is valuable and that he'd rather be with other students that can help him succeed alongside themselves.

In my opinion it was a bad decision to say that he would meet with her if he knew at the time he said it that he would not be able to meet that obligation. But at the same time, he has a previous obligation to the study group. In my mind, explaining to this woman that he forgot about his prior engagement would be the best resolution.

#18 Mishelle

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Posted 22 November 2014 - 10:21 PM

I got drunk in a church today that was a pretty poor decision

#19 redlion

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Posted 23 November 2014 - 12:02 AM

I got drunk in a church today that was a pretty poor decision

Was it a catholic church? Because then I think it's acceptable.

Or a baptist church, but then I think you need to also add corporal punishment or incest to the equation.

#20 Eefi

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Posted 23 November 2014 - 12:47 AM

@Keil So what are you going to do? Are we discussing it here as well?

 

What are some example of "bad" decision-making?

When you say that I immediately think of stuff like eating unhealty, slacking off, not working out etc. They're concious decisions I guess but they're more like not wanting to deal with something.

 

Is a person considered bad for consciously picking the worse of the two choices?

What do you mean when you say "bad"? Now I'm confused. It's bad for you if you miss out on the other study group but good for the girl you're trying to help? If the cons only affect you, why would you be considered bad?

 

What compels someone to avoid the better of the two choices?

I can't think of any example. If I make a bad choice then there is still something to be gained because e.g. a person is important to me or I'm hoping that I'll learn something that will help me later. In that case, I've decided for me that the pros outweigh the cons. To be honest if my pros/cons list looked like yours and there weren't any other reasons, I wouldn't help her.



#21 Peaches

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Posted 23 November 2014 - 03:57 AM

I do this all the time where I place other's needs first. Go ahead and help out as long as it's not going to hurt you in the long run, draw a line somewhere though. I mean she does sound like she needs the help but let me raise some red flags for you:

 

1) She doesn't retain much information. It can't get any worse than that *shudders*

 

2) She doesn't ask the professor for help - why are they being paid?? I hope she hasn't come running to you thinking,  "Oh maybe he will outright provide all information so I don't have to find it myself."

 

3) She waits WAY.TOO.LONG to ask for help. This is a HUGE problem. Who knows what she's been doing. Procrastinating? Being lazy? It's stressful for her? She needs to get her shit together.

 

4) She creates enemies. Way to go girl, that's the way to get through school *golf clap*

 

5) She cries. I hate this part, is it all an act to get what she wants because she knows she's basically out of time?

 

6) She can't seem to make time to fit in with your schedule yet you are changing yours...at the risk of YOUR grades and the good relationships you've created over time. If I was in her position, I'd make as much time as I possibly could to spend with you. If finals were important to her she would do the same, screw everything else.

 

7) Is she using you? Does she ever converse with you otherwise or do you usually not give her the time of the day?

 

I appreciate what you're attempting to do here but she needs to get real considering all the points above. Perhaps offer your help for one day if need be and then tell her that you really need the time to study in your group as you originally planned. Offering one day is still highly thoughtful and won't leave her completely in the dark, but it'll also make her realise that she cannot lead others into the mess she's created. She has professors she can ask for help so point her in that direction. In any case, who knows what she will do with the time and information you give to her. Will she actually use it wisely? Use your own time wisely I say.


Edited by MillionsOfPeaches, 23 November 2014 - 03:58 AM.


#22 Keil

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Posted 23 November 2014 - 05:45 AM

@Keil So what are you going to do? Are we discussing it here as well?

 

Sure, we can discuss what I'll do. When I get on my computer, I'll post my plans.  Originally, it wasn't not my primary intention to go in depth of what my situation, but I don't mind at all elaborating.

 

People can also post issues they or someone they observed faced because those posts interest me a lot.



#23 Swar

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Posted 23 November 2014 - 07:34 AM

Don't help her. I might sound mean, but don't waste your time if she studies a lot and still can't learn. Something similar happened to me this year.

I, too, learn better when I'm teaching, but only if the person I'm teaching is really understanding, because if they're not I get confused about the subject and start making mistakes.

So, this year I had a study group for math and chemistry, and it was a really good way to reinforce what I've learned. But then a dude in my class asked me to study chemistry with him because his grades were low.

The problem: my friends at the study group didn't want him in the group. Not because they're not friends, but because they knew it would be hard for me to teach him, so what was my decision? Both. It wouldn't be much complicated, right?

No. I started missing some days of study in the group (I'm not the only one who teaches, at least) because I had to study more with the dude and it was consuming me a lot.

In the end my grades were terrible, his grades were terrible, my study group did terrible too, everything went wrong.

What I want you to think is: if you don't have time to do both, just study with your study group. Tell the girl that you forgot about that and therefore you won't be able to study with her.

#24 NapisaurusRex

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Posted 23 November 2014 - 08:02 AM

What? No, don't lie to the girl. Just tell her something like your grades are important too and you've decided you need to stick with your study group, then offer to help her via email or skype when you guys have an opportunity. Sure, she might have to adjust her schedule a little to accommodate yours, say stay up later or get up earlier or skip a meal or something, but if she really means it, then she'll do it.



#25 Jayqwelin

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Posted 23 November 2014 - 08:23 AM

If you don't want to help her, you don't have to and that's the bottom line. It sounds like you're really ehhhhh towards helping her and I think it's hard for you to say know even though you're thinking it. You don't have to worry about flaking as long as you put your foot down somewhere. It's more like you acquiesced to what someone else wants rather than making a conscious choice yourself, know what I mean?

 

Also,

 

 

 

6) She can't seem to make time to fit in with your schedule yet you are changing yours...at the risk of YOUR grades and the good relationships you've created over time. If I was in her position, I'd make as much time as I possibly could to spend with you. If finals were important to her she would do the same, screw everything else.

 

This, this so much. When I ask people for help I'm extremely conscious about having to use up their time. She should be treating your time with respect.


Edited by Jayqwelin, 23 November 2014 - 08:34 AM.



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