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Open Marriages

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#1 Amie

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Posted 19 July 2015 - 01:46 AM

 I read this and it got me thinking.

 

http://nymag.com/the...change_facebook

 

 

There are of course moments of jealousy, resentment, and insecurity. Recently, my wife went on a date and fell asleep at his apartment. I hadn’t heard from her since 10 p.m., she still wasn’t home at 6 a.m. My texts went unanswered and my calls went to voicemail. A tight knot of dread lodged in my stomach as I imagined all kinds of dire scenarios and realized that I not only didn’t know where she was, I had no idea whom she was with.

 

 

 

What do y'all think? Is the man who wrote the article really happy, and is this a healthy way to conduct a relationship?



#2 Waser Lave

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Posted 19 July 2015 - 02:30 AM

I don't think it's something I'd be interested in. If I married somebody it would be because I love and trust that person and would want to spend my life with them more than anybody else (and hopefully vice versa from their end too), in an open marriage you have to extend that trust to other people who you might not even know. When you add in the risk of sexually transmitted diseases too then I just don't really see the appeal but if it works for them then fair enough. I also don't really understand the suggested link with feminism, what does open marriage have to do with feminism? O_o



#3 stagsong

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Posted 19 July 2015 - 03:02 AM

I agree with @Waser Lave about the 'link' to feminism. I don't see that at all. I see open marriages as a choice, of course, one that any couple who wants to do it should really consider seriously. I know of three couples who've had open marriages and it's gone poorly for two of them because they didn't discuss/understand the real problems that can come of it, and thus didn't set the appropriate boundaries. The third couple is still married and seem happy. In order for them to work out, very strict rules and VERY good communication have to be used (from what I've seen), but for me, not something of interest at all. I am happily fulfilled in my marriage and don't need another there to make things work or give me something I'm missing. If I was, I'd not be married and be with someone else. 



#4 Sweeney

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Posted 19 July 2015 - 06:12 AM

Not my jam, but whatever people want to do, yo.

#5 Xwiint

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Posted 19 July 2015 - 07:00 AM

Not my cup of tea, but I did know a couple that were in an "open marriage" and they're now getting a divorce because of it. It's scary to watch the spiral. My friend spent so much time worrying about her husband when he was out with other girls...it may be for some people, but those people are a lot fewer than they think they are.



#6 KyloRen

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Posted 19 July 2015 - 07:16 AM

I believe with the link to feminism, it's something about women being able to have a choice and not have to be tied down by a man. At least that's the best I can come up with. I also wouldn't want an open marriage. I don't like the idea of STD's and having to constantly watch for that, and I don't like the idea of someone I married being with another woman. If he loved me enough to marry me, he shouldn't need to be out with other women. A marriage means you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, that you are happy to be with them. Not that you go and spend nights with other women. I don't think it would be mentally healthy either, with all the worrying you're going to do about your partner when they're with someone else. 



#7 Guppie

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Posted 19 July 2015 - 07:35 AM

Meh, I'm not a huge fan of marriage in its current form as a legal institute, but I don't see anything wrong with open relationships, which is mostly what this article is talking about anyway.

 

I get what he's talking about with open marriage being a feminist issue within the context of his experience, but it hasn't had that tilt within my experience.

 

I am in a wonderful, loving, hot, devoted relationship with another woman, and I sometimes have sex with our best friend, who is a man. I've never felt drawn to monogamy. I feel like it's a constraint, and that by being denied any sexual expression outside a monogamous relationship, my sexuality is being judged and sentenced to house arrest. My sexuality is not the keystone to my identity, but it is a part of myself which I wish to affirm, explore and enjoy.

 

We have clear boundaries. We understand that we all care deeply about one another, but that my relationship with my girlfriend is primary, and my relationship with him is secondary. If he gets a girlfriend, I expect his relationship with me to stop including sexual acts. This is an arrangement we are happy with, but I don't think most people could make it work.

 

I do know a triad who are in a more widely open relationship. The three of them are devoted to one another, and they also all three will have sex with other people. They are about a decade older than me, and I think the experience and maturity that has come with their age is crucial in making their arrangement work.

 

Whatever you feel is not wrong, but merely true; I don't think anyone should be made to think that their feelings are wrong. I know that a lot of people, especially younger people, have issues with jealousy, and they need to express that to their partners in a healthy and respectful manner and talk it out.

 

Open relationships aren't for everyone.

 

If you and/or your partner are interested in an open relationship, you need to seriously talk about it in a very honest and loving way. It may turn out that it's not a good idea for a variety of reasons, but you will still need to discuss what desires prompted the interest in opening up the relationship, how those desires can be sated and how both of you feel about the decisions you've come to.

 

Communication, honesty and respect are important for any healthy relationship, but especially an open one.



#8 Nymh

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Posted 19 July 2015 - 07:53 AM

I would not want a truly open marriage, but threesomes aren't off the table for me.  Don't think Joe's down, though.

 

I think for an open marriage, or a group marriage, can work if all people involved are completely on board and honest with each other.  I think it's hard to get people on exactly the same page when it comes to things like that.



#9 Emily

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Posted 19 July 2015 - 06:48 PM

Not for me but whatever makes people happy. There are pros and cons for sure, but I think the same can be said for a lot of different things when it comes to relationships. I don't think it's anyone's business but the people in the marriage. 



#10 Padme

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Posted 19 July 2015 - 08:50 PM

Not for me, good for those who choose them.

 

In my observations with people I've met (and lots of reddit stalking on the matter) I find that sometimes it's one partner doing it so as not to lose their partner which is saddening to me. 

I find open relationships, polygamy and polyamory so fascinating. If all parties are healthy and being honest then that's fantastic.

A lot of it is the stigma, I think that freaks people out. Definitely not inherently wrong but, nearly every documentary or series shows that the relationship is unstable with lots of jealousy, insecurity and other things along those lines. I see the same things in traditional two person relationships as well. The more cooks in the kitchen the more magnified those issues are, imo.



#11 cara

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Posted 19 July 2015 - 09:53 PM

If you want to be in an open relationship, that's great. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship, that's also great. As long as you're happy, safe, and it's exactly what your partner(s) wants as well then that is all that matters.



#12 Hawk

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Posted 20 July 2015 - 06:40 PM

I think nearly everyone else has nailed this one from my point of view;  Not for me, but if it works for you, more power to you.  Everyone has their kinks.

 

Who knows, maybe after two to three decades with someone, you're a bit more open with swinging and open marriages.  Maybe you all will be the nudist at the colony that just doesn't give a rats ass.

 

Right now, I'm not there.   ;)  :lol2:



#13 Shannon

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Posted 20 July 2015 - 07:20 PM

I've always found this topic really interesting. For me, it's a definite "No" to a poly relationship, but I can definitely see it working for some people. Love is weird. There's not one part of me that thinks it would be right to judge the way people want to love each other, as long as they're being safe and communicative. Maybe in the future my mindset will evolve and I'll be cool with an open relationship of some sort, but for now all I can see it bringing is a world of hurt.



#14 Swar

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Posted 20 July 2015 - 07:25 PM

Pretty much what everyone else said :p not for me, but if you want to do it, go for it.

#15 redlion

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Posted 20 July 2015 - 11:32 PM

Is this even a debate?

Swinging is a time honored tradition. There, conservatives. Defend some more traditions.

#16 Guppie

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Posted 21 July 2015 - 12:23 PM

I would like to add that, while I am currently in a happy and functional non-monogamous relationship, my previous relationship was very unhappy.

 

My ex-boyfriend and I had agreed on what was and wasn't okay to do with other people, and then he went further than that...and I wasn't okay with that. We did not communicate well, and he was an abusive asshole with mental issues.

 

When you set rules and then break them, you are cheating; and excuses don't make everything okay.



#17 Jess

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Posted 21 July 2015 - 01:12 PM

I did the open relationship thing a couple times and communication and crossing boundaries was how it broke up  each time. I much, MUCH prefer monogamy.



#18 Sweeney

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Posted 22 July 2015 - 01:39 PM

Is this even a debate?


Not even close.

#19 Guppie

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Posted 22 July 2015 - 05:20 PM

Not even close.

wait, was this in the debate section? lol

 

We're way too agreeable about this to really debate. We're all "my opinion is somewhat similar to yours, and I respect your opinion."

 

Have I mentioned that I really enjoy this community?



#20 Kaddict

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Posted 23 July 2015 - 08:42 PM

Sexual jealousy tends to usually ruin these types of marriages, according to the purely anecdotal evidence I have.



#21 Chameleon

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Posted 23 July 2015 - 11:11 PM

Sexual jealousy tends to usually ruin these types of marriages, according to the purely anecdotal evidence I have.

I have to disagree.  Well, with the first part of that sentence.  Sexual jealousy may be a part of it, but from the relationships I've had it was mostly a case of time jealousy.  

 

Think of the time you have with your SO right now.  Now half that.  And again if you're both going to be with only one other person.... Oh, and that's of course only if everyone has the exact same schedule.  Any one of those people have children?  Take a picture of your loved one so you remember them.  

 

Basically there's only so much time in a day, week, month... Getting quality time in with everyone is just extremely hard and we all know relationships take work.  Admittedly this is from the poly-amorous view.  I have no understanding of the swinging or one night stand side of life, but if that's your thing, have a ball.  (Over there.  And come near me or mine and don't mind me spraying you down with Lysol... )

 

Ya'll are much more open minded and accepting than I ever have been.



#22 Bear

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Posted 24 July 2015 - 01:25 PM

Open marriages are doomed to fail imo. If you're unhappy just leave. 



#23 Sweeney

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Posted 24 July 2015 - 01:32 PM

Open marriages are doomed to fail imo. If you're unhappy just leave.


It's a good thing your opinion doesn't count for much. People don't only have an open marriage because they are unhappy.

#24 Guppie

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Posted 24 July 2015 - 01:54 PM

Open marriages are doomed to fail imo. If you're unhappy just leave. 

I don't think I'd ever be happy in a monogamous relationship. Should I run from every relationship?

 

I have never lied about how I feel, and have only gone into relationships with people who convinced me from the start that they were okay with a non-monogamous arrangement.



#25 Romy

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Posted 24 July 2015 - 01:55 PM

Open marriages are doomed to fail imo. If you're unhappy just leave. 

Your opinions make me happy.





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