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Is the friendzone real?


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#26 Coops

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Posted 01 September 2015 - 09:21 PM

Why would the friend zone not be real? Trying to wrap my head around that. 

@ortin Because sometimes people perceive things and then generalize or overreact without checking themselves first. I didn't mean to phrase it and discount the pain of being rejected. But my perception of the popular context of the friend zone initially was that it was someone's overblown ego and entitlement took a hit. Thus they decided to blame the person they pursued, instead of accepting that sometimes people just aren't interested. See: people who say "I wasted two months on [insert person's name]" etc.

However, some people have offered insight and I've changed my perception. It's a complex situation and there can be different perspectives, all of which have validity in the eyes of the person involved. Instead of judging someone, I should try to empathize with what a person is reflecting by claiming they've been friend zoned (ie. they've been hurt, they might need to learn better communication skills, etc) and I should seek to understand it. 

It could be just another name for "rejection", but rejection sounds like it's your fault, while "friendzone" sounds like the other person's fault

This is a good summation.



#27 ortin

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Posted 01 September 2015 - 10:00 PM

When you make love to something other than a cello, then you will understand. :)

Well actually I have friendzoned people, and been friendzoned, so I do have firsthand experience ;)

 

As for the question at hand, @Coops the friendzone is definitely real. How people react to it is the more complex part, and varies widely. Some people take it maturely and simply accept that the other person is not interested. Others take it badly and completely blame the other person due to a misguided sense of self-entitlement. Also, I don't understand why you frame the topic under a female-centric argument, while the act of friendzoning happens between both males and females. 

 



#28 Coops

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Posted 01 September 2015 - 10:18 PM

 

Well actually I have friendzoned people, and been friendzoned, so I do have firsthand experience ;)

 

As for the question at hand, @Coops the friendzone is definitely real. How people react to it is the more complex part, and varies widely. Some people take it maturely and simply accept that the other person is not interested. Others take it badly and completely blame the other person due to a misguided sense of self-entitlement. Also, I don't understand why you frame the topic under a female-centric argument, while the act of friendzoning happens between both males and females. 

 

That's why I asked. I wanted to know how people reacted and what they thought about it.

Sorry if I made it seem that it is only female-centric. I did try to make it clear that I understand it can go both ways @ortin. I have more experience with male relatives talking about it though, admittedly. None of my female friends/family have talked about something like this with me; I can't say they have never had it happen, since I don't know. To be fair, a lot of my male relatives come from evangelical backgrounds - they think women are meant for sex and babies. They don't see women as independent and autonomous. They are a prime example of the religious patriarchal family dynamic and they are usually the ones who talk about friendzoning, in the way I mentioned. There is a long line of narcissistic personality disorder in my family too...thank fuck I was adopted.  :rolleyes:



#29 poofka

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Posted 01 September 2015 - 10:28 PM

I think in some ways men are very sensitive to being rejected or unwanted which is why you hear it alot from men more I guess? 



#30 Padme

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Posted 02 September 2015 - 02:41 AM

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#31 Coops

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Posted 02 September 2015 - 05:14 AM

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Okay, so @Padme, what is a beta in today's context? I keep seeing that and I don't understand what it's meant to imply about a man. Is it to imply he is weak? Or...? I guess I don't keep up with this stuff. xD



#32 Rocket

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Posted 02 September 2015 - 07:45 AM

I think the friendzone is real, but I think a lot of people who think they are "put there" are there by their own faults.

 

Just because someone is nice/friends to you, does not automatically mean they are interested in being anything other than friends. More people need to realize this, and quit crying about being friendzoned.



#33 Kaddict

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Posted 02 September 2015 - 02:34 PM

Okay, so @Padme, what is a beta in today's context? I keep seeing that and I don't understand what it's meant to imply about a man. Is it to imply he is weak? Or...? I guess I don't keep up with this stuff. xD

Yeah, mostly referring to him not being an alpha. Not being upfront, confident, etc. Essentially just being a bitch. 



#34 Sweeney

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Posted 02 September 2015 - 04:04 PM

I feel like you guys are all using a definition of "friend zone" that roughly means "being friends after expressing interest in someone".

That's not how I understand the phrase, rather it's a term for being relegated to "only friends" after being led on to believe that someone is interested in you and doing the usual courting and whatnot, then being told you can only be friends after being used for whatever you're worth. I was befuddled by people admitting they've "friend-zoned" others, since as far as I'm concerned it's a horrible thing to do.

As to whether or not it exists - I'm sure it does, but not nearly as frequently as those who claim to be in it imagine.

#35 Kaddict

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Posted 02 September 2015 - 08:35 PM

I feel like you guys are all using a definition of "friend zone" that roughly means "being friends after expressing interest in someone".

That's not how I understand the phrase, rather it's a term for being relegated to "only friends" after being led on to believe that someone is interested in you and doing the usual courting and whatnot, then being told you can only be friends after being used for whatever you're worth. I was befuddled by people admitting they've "friend-zoned" others, since as far as I'm concerned it's a horrible thing to do.

As to whether or not it exists - I'm sure it does, but not nearly as frequently as those who claim to be in it imagine.

I think people can use it in lots of contexts, and they all have very, very different meanings. I think this conversation would benefit from having a universal definition, possibly from the OP. Because I feel that friendzone can also insinuate that you like a girl, but maybe they are dating at the time, and you just become friends for a while. By the time both you and her are available, you just seem too much like a friend, almost like one of the girls, to be considered dateable. The other instances I can think of (the two you alluded to in your post) have been brought up extensively though.



#36 Fikri

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Posted 02 September 2015 - 08:42 PM

i love mtv's show called friendzone and i'd like to believe that all of these so-called "reality shows" are for real so yeah, IT'S REAL DUH.

 

i don't think i've ever been friendzoned. unless having a crush on a hot friend and realizes that he's straight is considered getting friendzoned then alas, yeah. :/



#37 Lumielle

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Posted 03 September 2015 - 01:18 AM

Personally? I think the so-called 'friend zone' is just... unrequited love? Call me naive, but I'm not going to have mutual feelings for someone who hangs out with me in the vague hopes of gaining my affection. Sure, people who make use of others' feelings exist, but we don't need a whole new term for that, we just call them dirty liars.



#38 Scavi

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Posted 03 September 2015 - 12:22 PM

Friendzone is real. I think there are two ways of getting into it:

 

1- You like a girl / boy, you are kind of shy and you have a hard time making your feelings clear for the other person, so you choose the easy way which is treating her/him like a friend. She / he treats you the same way because she / he understands that you just want to be a friend. Solution: when you like someone, make yourself clear!

 

2- You like a girl / boy. She / he doesn't like you back and she / he noticies that you like her / him. She / he doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she / he treats you like a friend and nothing else hoping that you understand the message. Solution: if you want a friend, roll with it and forget about being something else. If you really want to be something more, either ask her / him if she / he likes you back and confront a possible awkard situation or just fall out with him / her.



#39 Jess

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Posted 03 September 2015 - 12:35 PM

Just because someone is nice/friends to you, does not automatically mean they are interested in being anything other than friends. More people need to realize this, and quit crying about being friendzoned.

Yeah, this happens to me a lot. They'll be like OH NAPI YOU'RE THE BEST FRIEND OH YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND I LOVE BEING YOUR FRIEND YOU'LL GET A GOOD BOYFRIEND SOMEDAY BLAHBLAHBLAH and the next thing I know they're showing me their dick or flipping shit to someone else about me flirting or sumshit and I'm like wait what you said we were friends I just assumed that meant you weren't interested in me WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

#40 Sweeney

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Posted 03 September 2015 - 01:15 PM

I think people can use it in lots of contexts, and they all have very, very different meanings. I think this conversation would benefit from having a universal definition, possibly from the OP. Because I feel that friendzone can also insinuate that you like a girl, but maybe they are dating at the time, and you just become friends for a while. By the time both you and her are available, you just seem too much like a friend, almost like one of the girls, to be considered dateable. The other instances I can think of (the two you alluded to in your post) have been brought up extensively though.


On the whole, the term seems nebulous and widely misunderstood by others. It's basically not remotely useful, since you always have to clarify what you meant anyway - you may as well just open with the explanation.

Yeah, this happens to me a lot. They'll be like OH NAPI YOU'RE THE BEST FRIEND OH YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND I LOVE BEING YOUR FRIEND YOU'LL GET A GOOD BOYFRIEND SOMEDAY BLAHBLAHBLAH and the next thing I know they're showing me their dick or flipping shit to someone else about me flirting or sumshit and I'm like wait what you said we were friends I just assumed that meant you weren't interested in me WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS


Yeah, I'm always getting "friends" snapchatting me boobs and flappy labias.

#humblebrag #totallylies #icaninstagramtoo #metaasfuck

#41 Jess

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Posted 03 September 2015 - 01:52 PM

Yeah, I'm always getting "friends" snapchatting me boobs and flappy labias.

#humblebrag #totallylies #icaninstagramtoo #metaasfuck

i mean, I get those too, but I already know that's all just between friends so the confusion isn't there.

#42 ortin

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Posted 20 September 2015 - 11:03 AM

Explains more about the friend zone in a sciencey way :p



#43 ceterisparibus

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Posted 22 September 2015 - 11:24 PM

I mean i'm late to the whole chat thing but isn't the problem of the 'friend-zone' that anyone, regardless male/female/etc, has the flawed assumption that they're entitled to date a person? That's my whole beef with the title and why it shouldn't even exist, it feels like there's a tingle of entitlement sexism in it



#44 Shannon

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Posted 23 September 2015 - 11:51 AM

So. I was just friendzoned this morning. Guy and I dated a few months ago and then we ran into each other at university and hung out a few times / slept together. He used to send me sweet stuff like "Woke up thinking about taking you out today cutie (:" and stuff like that. Then I get a text this morning about how he's dating someone rn and can't be anything but friends with me anymore. Fuck me, right? So that's what I consider getting friendzoned is like. You think something is leading to a romantic relationship but then it gets flipped right around into a very awkward friendship.



#45 Coops

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Posted 23 September 2015 - 04:57 PM

I mean i'm late to the whole chat thing but isn't the problem of the 'friend-zone' that anyone, regardless male/female/etc, has the flawed assumption that they're entitled to date a person? That's my whole beef with the title and why it shouldn't even exist, it feels like there's a tingle of entitlement sexism in it

That is kind of what I imagined it to be, but it seems we've come up with different meanings based on different perspectives. I'd say it's not entirely sexist, since the assumption is made on the part of men and women. I definitely believe there can be sexism involved (misandry or misogyny), but that it's not exclusive to the idea. Hope that makes some sense. I appreciate all input though, late or not! c:

 

So. I was just friendzoned this morning. Guy and I dated a few months ago and then we ran into each other at university and hung out a few times / slept together. He used to send me sweet stuff like "Woke up thinking about taking you out today cutie (:" and stuff like that. Then I get a text this morning about how he's dating someone rn and can't be anything but friends with me anymore. Fuck me, right? So that's what I consider getting friendzoned is like. You think something is leading to a romantic relationship but then it gets flipped right around into a very awkward friendship.

Wow. That sounds like an awful thing to do to someone or to experience. /: I imagine things must be very weird for you with him now @Shannon. Thank you for sharing that though.



#46 Scavi

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Posted 23 September 2015 - 05:57 PM

So. I was just friendzoned this morning. Guy and I dated a few months ago and then we ran into each other at university and hung out a few times / slept together. He used to send me sweet stuff like "Woke up thinking about taking you out today cutie (:" and stuff like that. Then I get a text this morning about how he's dating someone rn and can't be anything but friends with me anymore. Fuck me, right? So that's what I consider getting friendzoned is like. You think something is leading to a romantic relationship but then it gets flipped right around into a very awkward friendship.

 

I've been there. It is awful, but you need to see the good part of it... he is a douche and you avoided a future problem by not dating him :)



#47 ceterisparibus

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Posted 24 September 2015 - 11:41 PM

That is kind of what I imagined it to be, but it seems we've come up with different meanings based on different perspectives. I'd say it's not entirely sexist, since the assumption is made on the part of men and women. I definitely believe there can be sexism involved (misandry or misogyny), but that it's not exclusive to the idea. Hope that makes some sense. I appreciate all input though, late or not! c:

 

 

Even women can be involved in sexism through. I still feel that labelling all scenarios under 'friendzone' creates the idea that they're obliged to date when a certain amount of friendship is involved and it feels wrong, i think. Like the general labelling should just be ' a person assumes that they're been wrongly placed in a 'zone' which isn't fair to them since they put in time and effort to woo the person' instead of vague remarks.

Tbh i don't think the thread has a clear stance on what it means, which makes it even more dangerous?

 

Ok i just realized my reasoning can be abit confusing. Basically i want to add that the assumption of 'i'm putting time and effort into this to convince the person' starts from the beginning and that it's fine when the other party rejects it! But there's the negative attachment to it. Especially when it occurs to most girls when a guy gets 'friendzoned'. I also don't find it bad, like why is there something wrong with being a friend rather than a girlfriend/boyfriend? That's my biggest beef with the term anyway.


Edited by ceterisparibus, 24 September 2015 - 11:49 PM.


#48 Mishelle

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Posted 26 September 2015 - 09:30 AM

I think the friendzone exists but only because no one is straightforward anymore. Everyone is so afraid of having their feelings hurt, hurting other people's feelings and being rejected that they will skate around the issue for days, months, hell even years. A lot of guys don't ask girls on dates anymore, they ask to hang out. Well when I think of hanging out I think of doing friend shit, not dating shit. But apparently "hang out" means "I'm going to try to fuck you." not sure when that became a thing.

 

I've had friends who I found attractive and I knew they weren't into me but I didn't let that bother me because

1. It's literally raining dick, if a person doesn't like you get over it and find someone else

2. You can't expect everyone to be into you, don't take it personally

 

The issue I have is when people say "lets just be friends" when they really mean "get out of my face I don't want to speak to you and I will ignore all of your text messages" or when you reject a guy and he goes "Oh well can we still be friends?" when he really means "I'm going to use being your friend as a reason to bug the shit out of you and hopefully eventually you'll be as into me as I am into you."

 

This would all be remedied by people being a bit more honest and a bit more straightforward and I admit I've been guilty of trying to save people's feelings instead of just telling them outright what the deal is and it never ever ends well.



#49 Umi

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Posted 28 October 2015 - 01:02 AM

I've been friendzone by a man.
I've friendzoned a man.

My friends have friendzoned others.

So I think it's real.




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