There is too much fake happy holiday cheer and superficial sadness teasers going around (I'm look at you, post and leave General Chat threads). To fix that, I want to bring more internal struggle and genuine sadness to Codex. In spite of the holiday season, I will post unfortunes to those interested.
Unfortunes are like the little pieces of paper you find in high fructose corn syrup cookies from Chinese Food Restaurants everywhere (but China, surprisingly enough) saying something about you and/or future except these unfortunes are a bit lengthier for the inexcusably slow types. These unfortunes are dealt P.T. Barnum style so if you truly believe like the unfortune I shared with you doesn't reflect yourself, well... I hate to say it, but you're ignorant of yourself. Like up above the clouds oblivious. Like no amount of marijuana can make a pothead as high up as you are. Plus that kind of unfortune is low-hanging fruit. If I chose your blatant self-ignorance as an option, I can confidently say that a good shovelful of you shitbrains would fill that bill. No diversity in that. You can trust the research in making these unfortunes. The gumwrapper I found on the floor explains anything and everything you need to know the issues called your life.
To get your own unfortune, look at the last point of the rules and shit list for details.
Rules and shit
- I'll post the unfortunes in this thread. I forgot to mention. They're free like shame and humiliation.
- These unfortunes are 100% true unless when they are not true but not when they are not unerringly true.
- I am actually psychic and shit. Like you don't even know. But since I'm a nice person, I'll avoid specific nouns are to avoid any clues leading your real life identity. You are so lucky I am such a nice person.
- I will probably shove racist, sexist, genderist, sexualist, ageist, etcetera, etcertera remarks down into your throat. You probably are too dumb to catch wind of when I do it so it's okay. If people don't see it, it did not happen. It works for my cat named Schrodinger.
- Each unfortune is at least 50 words because having anything less will--on one hand, will relieve you of any strain from reading anything above your academic capabilities, but on the other hand, um... let’s face it: you need to see a billboard outside your window saying in red and white neon lights saying “Get the fuck out of the building, it’s on fire” in order for you to realize there is a fire in the building and not because there are people screaming, a suffocating black smoke in almost every angle, and a tingly sensation from every corner of your body from being exposed to something a little bit more than just warm.
- Yeah, I lied about the personalized unfortune deal. I don’t really give a fuck about you to actually delve into your life and make a proper assessment. I wouldn't waste my psychic powers on you. Instead, I’ll just be throwing out an unfortune that will maybe hit the right mark because you are all such basic bitches and you don't need to have ESPN to know what's wrong with you. I know your type. You go on tumblr to see a post showing what a certain zodiac would do in a situation and be like “OHEMGEE, THAT IS ME” even though the post clearly says “You are fully aware of themselves and are living their fullest potential” for that specific sign. People like you are worse than shoehorns.
- Give me time to give you your unfortune. Like a day or more. Or whenever I feel like it. If that’s the case, don’t hold your breath. I go by a strict process when delivering unfortunes. First I heavily cringe at the people who actually want unfortunes. Like what’s your deal? Do you not have enough self-worth to know that you are worthy of love and the presence of the people around you that you hold dear and everything that you have always wanted cannot be bought or won through the same methods that historically always leave you miserable? Laughable. Note this section of the process takes a good 3 days. One day to laugh at you. Another day to buy groceries. The last day to forget you posted. The fourth day to do whatever the fuck I’m doing. The six day to regret whatever I was doing because it must have been bad if I can’t remember the fifth day. The seventh day to rest because it is of the day of the Sabbath as the Lord commandeth rest even though it would probably be a Wednesday. Fuck Wednesdays. The eighth day because some attention-needy whore tagged me to get their unfortune and if they tagged me, they must be desperate, so out of pity, I’ll give them their unfortune. But since I wouldn’t be in the mood at that time, I’ll just google random fortune cookies and put “not” in the right places to get it over with. Bing. Bam. Boom.
- I like money. Not the currency or concept of money, but the power I have with money. With that in mind, give me money for no other reason but to partake in the act of giving specifically to me, money.
- You can ask for as many unfortunes as you want, but once per day because if you ask too much, you’ll just look like a sad existence. Not as much as myself, though. There is no competition.
- There are other rules and shit you should know, but why does it matter?
- I can elaborate on my fortunes. Believe me, I can, but the question is if I'm willing to. I prefer to associate with you as least as possible. But money, oh boy, I spend eternity with it. Catch my drift? No? I guess not. I shouldn't expect too much out of anyone.
- TO ENTER:
Copy and past the thingy in the boxy thingy below into your post and post that post, postingly. Figure out how to turn the following url into an image and post it. I thought the last method works, but it doesn't. I didn't think the world would disappointment me anymore than it could.