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Xena, Warrior Princess (I hate animals)

merica cat stupid bitch

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#1 Jess

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Posted 30 September 2016 - 06:55 AM

We have 1 dog (Max), 1 indoor cat (white Maine Coon, Virgil), 1 outdoor cat (Max's BFF, Milo), and 1 stray demon who appeared from the pits of hell two years ago (Xena.)
I think we can all agree that cats are kinda crazy anyway and live in their own realm where they are the supreme ruler. Virgil, as the inside cat, the biggest cat, and a Leo, believes that the entire house belongs to him, even the places he's not allowed to go and has never seen. Milo is a fraidy-cat (hurhurhur), won't go any further than the fence, and gets beat up on a regular basis by the dick cat next door (Biggie Smalls.) Xena is a very petite hellcat who believes the entire world is her oyster and humans exist only to put food out and admire her from afar. I don't know what happened to her in her other lives, but she hates humans, dogs, and doors and generally won't get within a few feet of any of those things and will attack if she feels threatened by something closing the 4' gap she likes to have around her. Despite her hatred of doors, she can't stand eating outside because she's apparently a fucking princess. I accidentally broke a window a few years ago and she comes into the back porch and eats her food that way. The door between the porch and the kitchen also has a broken window because I'm a cheap piece of white trash and I have it half-covered with cardboard so I can reach in and lock/unlock the door.
Anyway, Virgil tries to get out once in a while when it's cold outside and Milo tries to come in once in a while when it's cold outside. Max does what he's told. Xena has been inside once in the past 2 years and decided it was a horrible, traumatic place full of everything she hates. 
Last night, I get everyone fed and settled for bed, and I hear a thud THUD. Thud THUD coming from the kitchen and I'm like wtf. I go in there and I see Virgil on the counter looking very concerned.
That's not strange in itself, he looks at me with concern regularly. But then I realize Max is also concerned. Max, bless his heart, is rarely ever concerned. He's either happy-go-lucky or barking his head off.


I decide I prob don't need a weapon since no one is barking and it's probably just the dryer hose come loose or something again. I get up to the window and start to open it, but there's someone looking at me.
It's fucking Xena. She is trying to jump through that tiny hole because she's all of a sudden decided I'm living the dream and she must participate. 
I decide there's no way she can get through that hole, since my tiny wrist barely fits and I'm good to go bathe. I'm having a great time soaping up and minding my own business, when I hear the sound of a thousand claws on the wood floor. They're going to wake up the littlest monster and I'm going to be pissed.
I walk out to this shit.
Now remember, I'm 7 months pregnant with twins and I'm not supposed to stoop, squat, bend, walk fast, touch stray cats, or do anything that causes unnecessary stress and I'm about to have to do all of those things, since she's scared of me and the door opening.
I play all nice nice and act like I'm going to pet her and of course she gets upset and takes off to the back door. TWENTY MINUTES OF ME OPENING THE DOOR AND HER PANICKING AND TAKING OFF LATER I finally have her back on the back porch. I'm super duper upset and call the bf for moral support, which consisted of "why don't you tape the cardboard on?" oh, thanks, love, I never would've thought of that seeing as we have no tape, the kids are asleep, I'm alone otherwise, and everything is closed because we live in buttfuckegypt. I don't know what I expected him to do about it, since he's so far away, but I would've liked a little more empathy cause I'm carrying around a litter of small humans and haven't slept in weeks.

At this point, we're working on 1 or 2 am, I've already tossed her out a handful of times and I'm fricken annoyed.
So I decide just to fill the hole up with crap and hope her tiny 4lb frame can't knock any of it out.
Screw it, I have to lay down because I'm pretty sure my back is splitting open now.
Fast -forward to this morning. She's a magician. All my crap is still in the hole and she's just looking at me like wut


#2 Ladida

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Posted 30 September 2016 - 05:14 PM

Please write more about your animal adventures! I loved it, and the pictures of Xena made me laugh so hard (especially that last one, cheeky rascal). Good luck finding the new hole that she's discovered :p

#3 Kitty

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Posted 30 September 2016 - 06:21 PM

This was so cute but funny and kinda felt bad for you at the same time... My cats drive me nutts so yeah~

#4 Amethyst

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Posted 01 October 2016 - 05:48 PM

Give us updates I love this

#5 Jess

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Posted 03 October 2016 - 05:25 AM

This was so cute but funny and kinda felt bad for you at the same time... My cats drive me nutts so yeah~

I was so pissed off lol cause I was SO FUCKING MAD but at the same time it was all so absurd that I kept laughing and had to remind myself I was mad.

#6 BirdistheWord

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Posted 28 April 2017 - 12:17 PM

But....why lock the doors if you can just reach in and open it?

#7 Jess

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Posted 28 April 2017 - 01:14 PM

But....why lock the doors if you can just reach in and open it?

To keep the door shut so Virgil can't get out.

Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: merica, cat, stupid bitch

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