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Depression advice


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#1 Kaddict

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Posted 02 February 2017 - 04:52 PM

Ok, so I am having a tough time figuring out where to start... 

 

I have been married for a few years, have a baby and a great relationship. My wife has struggled with depression since she was in high school. She never really used meds until, idk, maybe a year ago? They haven't really been helping, she has been having her dose increased, going to therapy to try working some awful shit out that happened to her. But yesterday, I was going to be in the hospital for 16 hours. For whatever reason, while I was still on call, I decided to go home (which I usually dont due, because pediatrics is super busy and I get called to admit new kids constantly, and I live 15min away from the hospital). I get home, and my wife is in the garage (door closed) in her car, engine running. When I opened the garage door, she ran inside, but I could tell she was crying. It took me a second to put it together. We were able to talk, and she says that she just feels like she will never get over her depression. She said sorry a million times and that she would never do this again (the whole time I was doing my best to absolve her of most of the guilt she was feeling). I ask her all the time how I can help her (before this event and now) in any way--but she doesn't know how. She is gonna talk to her doc about switching meds (especially bc she hasn't felt they have been helping and he has continued to increase dose with no effect for more time than is normal imo), but what other things could I do to help? Having never really struggled with any form of depression/anxiety, it would be great to have opinions from you guys (because I don't want to talk to my friends about it and make my wife feel like a pariah). We had a really good talk last night, and I trust her when she says she won't try to kill herself again, but part of me worries. Also, the fact that she had made arrangements waaayyyy ahead of time worries me. We've talked about her depression, and a couple months ago she said she felt like she wanted to hurt herself. I asked if she had a plan, which she denied--but last night she told me this was a lie. 

So, one of my many questions is this: How do I help her? I am currently just trying to show her even more love than I normally do, but not treat her any differently than I did before. She was mad and embarrassed that I came home early--but if I didn't, she may have been dead. While we were talking she said she had a wicked headache, which I worry was due in part to the amount of CO exposure she already had. This is really kinda scary for me guys. 

 

Sorry this is so jumbled. I just really wanted to talk to someone and get advice. I know a lot of you are open about your struggles with dif issues so I would love to hear from you. Thanks. 



#2 Keil

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Posted 02 February 2017 - 05:11 PM

Get professional help in the therapy direction--potentially family or maybe even couples counseling. I don't doubt your relationship and it's far from the usual "I cheated you with a hooker that's also your cousin" drama, but I feel like the both of you (and potentially more people involved in your personally-defined family) would benefit from developing certain skills toward stress management and developing a strong support system that branches out from a household bubble and into some form of community involvement and other social services. Get a good referral. 



#3 Kaddict

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Posted 02 February 2017 - 07:09 PM

Get professional help in the therapy direction--potentially family or maybe even couples counseling. I don't doubt your relationship and it's far from the usual "I cheated you with a hooker that's also your cousin" drama, but I feel like the both of you (and potentially more people involved in your personally-defined family) would benefit from developing certain skills toward stress management and developing a strong support system that branches out from a household bubble and into some form of community involvement and other social services. Get a good referral. 

Thanks. Yeah, I have considered couples therapy. Because I feel like part of it is her being unable to reconcile things that have happened in the past with her life now. Main issue with that is I am currently working 80 hour weeks--once 4th year starts I will have some leniency in my schedule. 

 

You are still doing psych btw?



#4 Keil

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Posted 02 February 2017 - 08:02 PM

Thanks. Yeah, I have considered couples therapy. Because I feel like part of it is her being unable to reconcile things that have happened in the past with her life now. Main issue with that is I am currently working 80 hour weeks--once 4th year starts I will have some leniency in my schedule. 

 

You are still doing psych btw?

 

Yeah. I'm going for my PhD in 2019 after 1 year in research.  



#5 Scot

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Posted 02 February 2017 - 11:01 PM

Different meds affect different people differently. She should try different formulas until she finds one she responds to. Anti-depressants also take a while to ramp up. I'm on the maximum dosage (200 mg/day) and it took 8 weeks for me to notice a difference. But I also have issues to work out as a result of being undiagnosed for so long. So, in addition, I see a psychologist and a psychiatrist regularly. I initially saw them for depression but eventually they helped me get to the root of it, which was that had been living with ADHD all my life. I'm not cured but I finally know what that sinking feeling deep down was. Knowing what issue to focus on makes me optimistic about the future.



#6 KyloRen

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 07:34 AM

I will say on the subject of meds, sometimes one isn't enough. I do take prozac (60mg), however three of my other meds are antidepressants though I don't take them for it.

Lamictal: was prescribed as an alternative to wellbutrin (since I had a seizure with it at 200mgs. Currently  lamictal is at 100mg) 

Remeron: For sleep (highest is 45mg) 

Trazodone: for sleep (currently 150, but I cut them in half because I wake up really groggy and walk into walls for the day) 

All three of those are actually anti depressants, but I take them for reasons that aren't anti depressants. 

 

Maybe taking to someone else who is suffering from depression would help? So she knows she's not alone. Because a lot of the time with mine I feel like I'm the only one suffering even though I know there are others, it doesn't feel like it. 



#7 Ali

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 07:41 AM

Different meds affect different people differently. She should try different formulas until she finds one she responds to. Anti-depressants also take a while to ramp up. I'm on the maximum dosage (200 mg/day) and it took 8 weeks for me to notice a difference.

This. There's no one size fits all approach to mental health, and to medication especially. A bit like birth control, each medication has a different effect on each individual and so it can take a while to find the right approach. Side effects are a pain, and it can take a while for them to ease off, and for the positive effects to take hold. Suicidal thoughts can be a side effect of some antidepressants (oh irony), and that tends to affect younger people more - worth bearing in mind if they've changed her medication at all recently.

 

Her therapist needs to be aware that this has happened, and there's definitely an argument for there being either couple's therapy or you attending individually in addition to her own existing appointments, you need to work through this too. How long has she been with the therapist for? Does she feel it's helping? Again, it can take a while to find the right therapist and style of therapy for an individual. Don't be afraid to say that something isn't working and see somebody else.

 

Might be a bit much for her so soon after the event, but potentially worth the two of your drawing up an informal crisis plan together, the idea being that she gets a say now in how and when you intervene, at a point when the choice is out of her hands. Agree on things like what you both agree to be warning signs, what you should do when you spot them, who you should involve to support both of you at that time, who will look after the baby whilst this is happening?

 

How old is the baby now? Any chance that PND is affecting her on top of her usual mental health issues? How much support does she have from friends/family whilst you're working? Being on your own with a baby whilst your husband works 80 hour weeks is really freaking tough

 

I've been on SSRIs intermittently for a decade now but I still think the best thing I can do is to live a really balanced life. I sleep well, eat well, run 30 miles a week, don't drink caffeine, have largely given up alcohol because I know that not doing any of those things means I start to slip. It's a constant adjustment process of altering meds and therapy and lifestyle choices to keep me in check, dependent on what's going on around me, but I know that so it's largely fine. I've also got the best husband in the world who knows exactly what's likely to trigger me, can spot anything at all out of the ordinary with my sleep/diet/mood/etc. and has an agreed course of action to try and balance me again. It's taken us the best part of 10 years to get there though.



#8 Salade

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 11:08 AM

A known side effect of anti-depressants is they can increase suicidal thoughts. Especially if you start anti-depressants or increase dosage. She should tell her doctor immediately, if he doesn't prescribe a different medication you should try and find a different doctor. That's the chemical side of things.

 

On the emotional side, this is a fecking tough thing for both of you. Couples counseling is like Kelvin said a really good idea. As an outsider, it's hard to understand mental illness. I've found it very hard to explain my thoughts and feelings to my family who tried to support me. My psychotherapist at the time had a talk with my parents, explained them what was going on, that I wasn't blaming them whatsoever, that I had a hard time relying on them because I felt like a burden etc. Your wife might feel similar things. But supporting and helping a person with depression is incredibly difficult, because they're trapped inside their thoughts. Let her know that you love and support her unconditionally, that you don't blame her, that you're absolutely positive that she will get better with time. Even if she's had a few good days in a row, when a bad day comes around she might feel guilty and like a burden - let her know that you'll be there for her on bad days too. 

 

Another thing that helped me after I tried to endanger my life was checking into a stationary mental health hospital. I got away from my school and personal life for a while, and had psychological help available round the clock. Plus I didn't have to worry about household-y things. This institution did have the possibility for mothers to come with their babies, but I don't know if that is possible where you live. Maybe a parent or a friend could come round once a week and offer some distraction? 

 

 

This is not very structured, sorry. But I do send the both of you a lot of strength. Never forget that it is possible to overcome depression, but that it does take time. 



#9 Jess

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 11:09 AM

I honestly can't remember when the baby was born (sorry), but if it's gotten worse since then, she should get her thyroid checked because that'll affect the way different meds affect her. (according to my dr, anyway. I just learned that up to 20% of women end up with post-partum related thyroid disorders.)

 

In addition to keep trying different meds, which I won't elaborate on due to previous comments, it's important that she's eating healthy, which is probably super hard for her to do right now, so that's a way you could encourage her. I seem to remember you not having a lot of time, but maybe you could help by stocking the kitchen with healthy, easy to grab snacks or something if you can't make meals. Off the top of my head, b vitamins (particularly b6), magnesium, D, and omega3 fatty acids have a decent impact on anxiety/depression and whatever meds she's tried or ends up on have a good chance of depleting her magnesium. There's one more big one, but I can't think of it right now. There's also a good chance the meds will make her gain weight and she'll develop a thing about that too on top of the other things, so if you have a chance to take her and baby on a walk or to the park or something, or set up a play date (with her permission) for one of y'all's friends to do that with her.

 

I've had depression and anxiety basically my whole life and have been on loads of crap, but really, the thing that helped most was a giant lifestyle overhaul. Unfortunately, that's hard as fuck when you're depressed and too anxious to do anything about it.



#10 Kaddict

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 05:24 PM

Thanks guys! These different perspectives are absolutely fantastic. I am an outsider to most mental health issues (except for attention deficit w/ or w/o hyperactivity). Though I have a really good understanding of meds and treatments (since I am 3 years deep into med school), at least from a textbook point of view. But couples therapy may help, because sometimes I really have a hard time understanding and empathizing with people who have crippling depression/anxiety. 

 

Responses: 

She is on sertraline (zoloft) and iirc she is now at max dose. I think she should try a dif SSRI, and recommend that to her doc. 

Baby recently turned 1. Very possible she has post-partum depression. Again, tough for me to understand bc sometimes I feel like being a mom brings her the greatest joy and accomplishment compared to anything else, but sometimes I think it is causing issues. idk if it got worse after baby was born, but thats when I suggested thinking about meds. She hasn't seen any improvements on current SSRI though.

I can't remember when the last time she checked her thyroid was. I think it was post-partum bc she had an issue with more hair coming out than usual, but I will check on it, good idea.

She has been with therapist for maybe 6 months? Sometimes she says her therapy appts are good, other times she says they aren't great. She likes her therapist though. But, she went to therapy the same day the incident took place. I wondered if it was something they talked about there that triggered it, but I don't think that was the case, according to her. I'll ask her if she thinks it is worth changing.

Like the Crisis Plan. Any ideas of how to bring it up?

She is really healthy, exercises lots, eats really really healthy 90% of the time. She is a caffeine junky though, wonder if cutting it may help?

We do omega-3 and vit D, but other supplements may help too.

Both my parents and in-laws live within 20 minutes, and they are really supportive, babysitting and other stuff. Her mom though can be a bit much sometimes. She just is waaaayyyyy high strung, and kinda grinds my wife wrong, and then my wife has a shorter temper with her mom than anyone else in the world, which is compounded bc my mother-in-law is overly-sensitive. 

So currently I am working 70-80 hours a week, but it gets worse, because I am/should be studying during the week as well. So, I am clearly not the best support right now, time wise. I have put my studies off for now though, since my grades are above average, and I would rater start getting average grades and spend time with my wife now than now. 

 

 

Questions:

Would me calling her doc to inform him of what happened be waaayyyy overstepping my boundaries (just in case she doesn't feel like bringing it up to him? ps. the clinic where she goes for primary care will often have my classmates there seeing patients, so she may not want to talk about it in front of people she knows outside of being her doctor/therapist.)?

Any ideas on ways for her (or me) to tell her mom to just take a couple steps back? She is so nice and has good intentions, but sometimes acts like a 15 year old, her anxiety is contagious, and has a way of making you feel guilty about things (for example, they are wealthy [I'm talking net worth 20mil+] and so will offer to buy my wife things even if my wife doesn't need/want it, but then hold it over her head later saying "well I bought you such a nice thing....")

Any ideas on how to get her to realize she has worth? To help her know there is a light at the end of the tunnel? What things have worked for you guys as far as that goes?
She has some great friends, but doesn't hang with them as much as I think she should. I have encouraged her to hang with them more, and has a great time when she actually does. How do I get her to actually do it? Plenty of them have kids as well, btw.

 

 

Thanks again guys for your advice. This is really helpful to me. Seriously.



#11 Keil

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 05:52 PM

Questions:

 

No. It's the same as something like BLS. If by helping, you're going to break some of their ribs, that's still better than them being... dead because nobody did nothing.

 

Tell her everything you said just now. As long as you don't curse her out and talk like you're above her, she'll get the message in a few days time. That doesn't mean she'll stop, but at least she'll be aware of your intentions.

 

Quit school. Quit work. Or least show her without going that far. Show and tell much of a priority she is in your life and you're willing to what needs to be done. If not, address the core issue of her most recent attempt and ignore the bullshit that makes this confusing. 

 

Somethings that worked for me: spend actual time on a regular basis and not when things gets bad. People are like STDs. Better to handle with them earlier on and consistently than paying attention when they're at their worst.

 

Ask her who she would remotely hang out with instead of forcing her onto people she may or may not like. Assume that you are one of those people if she doesn't say it.



#12 Jess

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Posted 04 February 2017 - 01:39 PM

She is really healthy, exercises lots, eats really really healthy 90% of the time. She is a caffeine junky though, wonder if cutting it may help?

If part of her depression is due to anxiety, then yes, definitely. It's also worth pointing out that caffeine depletes B vitamins and cheletes to magnesium and potassium (which you need to utilize mag) to continue my food as meds thought train. 
 

Post partum stuff is hard, just because motherhood is overwhelming and hard and literally everything changes, even when you're planning and expecting it and get 'prepared', it's next to impossible to truly do. It's fulfilling as fuck when you let it be, but sometimes getting over the mental aspects or stress (of everything, not necessarily baby stress) to see how fulfilling it is feels impossible.

Questions:
Would me calling her doc to inform him of what happened be waaayyyy overstepping my boundaries (just in case she doesn't feel like bringing it up to him? ps. the clinic where she goes for primary care will often have my classmates there seeing patients, so she may not want to talk about it in front of people she knows outside of being her doctor/therapist.)?
Any ideas on ways for her (or me) to tell her mom to just take a couple steps back? She is so nice and has good intentions, but sometimes acts like a 15 year old, her anxiety is contagious, and has a way of making you feel guilty about things (for example, they are wealthy [I'm talking net worth 20mil+] and so will offer to buy my wife things even if my wife doesn't need/want it, but then hold it over her head later saying "well I bought you such a nice thing....")
Any ideas on how to get her to realize she has worth? To help her know there is a light at the end of the tunnel? What things have worked for you guys as far as that goes?
She has some great friends, but doesn't hang with them as much as I think she should. I have encouraged her to hang with them more, and has a great time when she actually does. How do I get her to actually do it? Plenty of them have kids as well, btw.
 
 
Thanks again guys for your advice. This is really helpful to me. Seriously.

No, you have your child's welfare to think of. As a mother, 99.9% of everything will trump child's welfare. Even if she's pissed at first, once she gets better, she'll probably be like oh yeah, good job looking out.

 

I agree with just telling her like that like Keil said, if for the only reason being that there's no misunderstanding about where things are headed.

 

Hugs. Oxytocin rush.

 

You can't force anyone to do anything, sorry. Is she an introvert or extrovert? You should take that into consideration when planning or trying to get her to go on outings.



#13 KyloRen

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Posted 04 February 2017 - 04:25 PM

I don't think telling her doctor about what happens is overstepping your bounds. You care about her, dearly, and the doctor does have to know as part of her medical history and to know if any of her other medications (if she takes any) could be causing a bad interaction with her zoloft. Plus, they may be able to recommend a medication/therapist/psychiatrist/ect. Through experience, I know it's hard to tell the doctor yourself that you tried to kill yourself. For years when I got asked that question I'd say no, with the excuse that I didn't l want to feel sad anymore, and feeling pain was better, so therefore I wasn't actually trying to die. 

 

Yes, you really need to talk her to her mom. If she's making your wife feel guilty because her mom bought her something she really didn't need and is now holding it over her head, that could be a contributing factor to her depression. Constantly feeling like you have a knife over your head is really not good. Best way to do it I'd say, without telling her parents about her issues, is just telling them what they're doing is really hurting her feelings and they need to knock it off. If that doesn't work, you can add a little incentive, like telling them if they continue they won't be invited over for thanksgiving. Just a little punishment if they refuse to listen to you. (I'm not saying cut them off completely, of course). 

 

Realizing her worth is very difficult when you have depression. People can tell you constantly you have worth, but you won't believe them at all. When I got told that I thought, "If I have worth, why am I always sad. Wouldn't having worth make me feel better? I don't feel better, so I obviously don't have worth" (something along those lines). The best thing to do I'd say, is show her you care. Maybe plan a little surprise, like flowers or a nice evening out. Just something to let her know you're always there for her and care about her, without trying to verbally change her way of thinking, sometimes little things can go a long way. 

 

As for the friends, it sounds a bit childish, but maybe set up some "play dates". Like a day for the kids to play, and a day for the moms to hang out, eat, talk, play some games themselves, ect. Or just days without the kids where they all go out to lunch, a movie, ect. Just days were they all get to do something together. 



#14 JinxProof

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Posted 04 February 2017 - 05:09 PM

So most people are giving you some pretty good advice. I haven't read every post fully, so please forgive me if you've answered this already, but are you seeing someone to talk about this for yourself as well? It isn't easy for her, obviously, but it is also not easy for you so you need to take care of yourself just as much as her.

 

You 100% should tell her doctor. I would offer advice but I'm afraid that my advice wouldn't be fully informed in your situation. However, since she is having trouble while you're at work, there are options for partial hospitalization which sounds extreme, I know, but it might be worth looking into. My sister felt that this did wonders for her when she went through something very similar.

 

Oh also, it does sound like she may be hypothyroid. I had issues with that as well postpartum and if she gets on Synthroid it can improve things a lot


Edited by JinxProof, 04 February 2017 - 05:11 PM.


#15 elkid27

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Posted 05 February 2017 - 09:44 PM

Just to echo some of the meds comments, it can take multiple tries to find the SSRI, SNRI, or alternative that is going to be effective for the specific patient. And even then the point of meds is to get some balance to help cognitive behavior therapy work better. Without the coping mechanisms that CBT helps teach meds are just kind of a bandaid that isnt even covering the whole wound. Really if you ever want an interesting read look at the actual studies that got different SSRI's and SNRI's, spoiler they are placebo controlled and have a number needed to treat of anywhere from 6ish to 50ish depending on the study. Where as CBT is anywhere between 3-6 depending on age and other factors. So all that to say cycling to a different medication may be of benefit but use meds to stabilize so therapy can work its best.



#16 HonestHeart

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Posted 07 February 2017 - 02:16 PM

What really helped my mom through her depression was a support system of physical activities. She got an easy job that let her work in public service and got her to talk to customers all day. It had a very set schedule and she was there about four days a week. She also did more physical things, walking in parks, daily routines with cleaning and stuff.

 

What really motivated her was actually my grandparents passing away, she just had this idea that once you're gone, it's done. There's nothing left and not only do you lose out but everyone around you loses out on you and thats what really pushed her and still pushes her today.



#17 Kaddict

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Posted 07 February 2017 - 07:45 PM

Thanks everyone for the advice! My wife is scheduled to see her doc next week. Things seem to be improving, but again, it could just be a front. 


In any case, I would like it if this was opened up to everyone to talk about whatever shit they are going through, and hopefully can be helpful to others as well. 



#18 cara

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Posted 09 February 2017 - 10:52 AM

I don't have any advice. I just want to send you love and warm thoughts. Drop me a pm if you ever need to talk.



#19 aidenX

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 11:24 PM

Thank you so much for this thread and all the comments. I learned a lot of things I didn't realized those symptoms are on me also.

 

Sending love to your darling and your baby angel, hopefully things will keep improving!



#20 Coops

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 05:09 PM

I couldn't be bothered to read through the entire thread and I apologize for being late but here are my thoughts:

Please encourage her to talk to her doctor(s) about this event, or mention it yourself, even if this upsets her. They need to know. If her doctor is increasing her dose and it's not helping, the medication may be exacerbating her depression, and she should definitely try different medications. It can take ~2+ weeks for meds to kick in, or longer, depending on the person. I think @Ali mentioned a crisis plan as well - this is honestly a great idea. If you can, sit down with her (make sure there are zero interruptions) and use passive, calm language, explaining that you want to create a crisis plan because although you believe that she will not do it again, you think it's wise to know what she wants and feels are her boundaries in case of an emergency (ie. things like would she be okay with being admitted, are there specific drugs she's absolutely not okay with trying, who should she call if she's feeling suicidal, etc).

When I attempted suicide, my husband had no idea what to do and I suspect he was feeling exactly what you are right now. Prozac didn't work for me at all. It took a combination of 60mg Cymbalta and Welbutrin (idr the dose) for my depression to finally be taken care of, as well as 3ish years of therapy (group and single) to deal with my neglected autism, childhood abuse and medical neglect (all things that greatly exacerbated my depression to the point that I was ready to end it all). I haven't been on anti-depressants since 2014, but my depression still lingers and probably will unless I can stop having chronic pain, I just feel I can mostly manage without meds for now.

 

Also, is the doc prescribing her meds a primary or a psychiatrist? Primaries are not as well-equip to manage psychiatric medications and they tend to miss signs/red flags of the medications exacerbating or not working. Visits are often short. Anti-depressants can cause suicidal ideation, thoughts, planning and even suicide, so I am a firm believer in checking frequently with people on them and primaries don't have the time or training to recognize possible signs in many cases (her primary might be good, but idk). Psychiatrists tend to dedicate far more time to checking in with patients, so if she can see a psychiatrist instead, that might be better.

I know you're in med school but if it's possible to take a little time a week with her, to take her to therapy or her appointments, I think that could make a world of difference, just having someone there with you to advocate, listen and support on her behalf.

Also, whatever you do to help her, even if she gets mad, try to remind yourself later she will likely be very grateful. I speak from intimate experience. God, I fucking hated Baldman for basically dragging my ass to a therapist and psychiatrist, at first, but after I finally started getting better...I was so thankful that he cared enough about my life and existence to encourage me to try to keep going. I made the decision to live for him at first, but I'm finally in a place where I can live for myself, and I hope you can get your wife there. And try to see a therapist too if you can. They can help you process these things and maybe help you come to understand mental health problems a bit better, or give you tools to empathize and support.

 

Please let us know how she gets on. I hope she can get the help she needs. 
 



#21 Kaddict

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 10:56 AM

Little update:

She finally saw her doc (who is a primary care doc) and he thought being admitted was the best route. I left the hospital, after receiving a few calls from her saying she needed help (while she was still at the office) and her doc wanted to talk to us together. I tried to be as unbiased and just helping her verbalize the pros and cons of being admitted vs not (read: I was having her figure out for herself why she would want or not want to be admitted). Personally, I felt the time for being admitted was long past, since this happened over 2 weeks ago. But, at the same time, it would provide an immediate and long appointment with a psychiatrist. She kinda chose a compromise which was making an appt at the mental health hospital for monday. At the doc's office, they were trying to get her set up with a good mental facility just outside town, but that fell through, so they were trying to get her in to a hospital in town, but just the general hospitals. Having already done my psych rotation, I was thinking, that is absolutely not what you need. In the main hospital, they have psychiatrists (or students from my class) just provide ambulatory care. Usually just for people who are in the hospital for other reasons that have concurrent mental health problems. So, I brought that up to the doc and he agreed that wouldn't be best. Her clinic is actually a part of the med school, so he (her doc) said he would call the doc I was working with and excuse my absence for a couple days, he wanted me to be with her through the weekend. I am grateful for that, but I feel like the dangerous time for her was 2 weeks ago. 

Anyway, I feel like she has made great improvements, but I still feel like much of it is just a front, and she has confirmed that with me--but she has said that she hasn't had any suicidal thoughts since the incident--although she has felt mad multiple times that I did come home early and stop her. So, again, I think these are awesome steps in the right direction. But, like @Coops said, I think right now she is just living for me and our baby. Which is better than not, but it is best to live for yourself. I am still trying to help her find those things she loves and lives for. I keep trying to show and tell her how amazing she really is. And, I have even tried talking to her from a medical aspect, about meds, about major depressive episodes etc, but doing so delicately without appearing like her doctor rather than her spouse/friend. 

 

Right now, I think she is a bit more upset than she was before the appointment, because she thought she was going to be admitted, which brought up lots of emotions at once: 1st: she had a previous sucide attempt at 16ish, where she was admitted for a few days, and the thought of going to the same place really messed with her. I don't think she had a bad experience there, it just brings up bad memories and makes her feel like she is back to the same place she was almost a decade ago. Next, she had to call her parents who were out of town, and ask that one of them come back to help watch the baby. She didn't tell them everything, just that she might have to be going to the hospital, but they are obviously thinking something else is going one, which bothers my wife. 

 

Anyway, lots of stuff going on. I trust my wife, even though she isn't in her totally clear state of mind. Her doc wanted me to watch her 24/7 through the weekend, but I haven't been doing that for the last 2 weeks, and she has been fine. She has been more open with me. I have brought up the crisis plan but she doesn't really know what to do with that (and neither do I for that matter). We have essentially said: "you don't have to magically feel better, in fact, that is not how mental issues ever work. But I just want to be in the loop with how you are feeling. If you ever feel down for any reason, tell me. I don't and won't think it is a sign of weakness, rather a strength for being open with me. If you get to the point where you feel you want to die again, tell me, because we can get through anything together" type of stuff. But other than that, I don't really know what to do. I'll talk to her about possible admit options in the future. If she ever did get to a point where I wasn't sure if she would be safe for herself, and she said she doesn't want to be admitted (though right now she is more open to it), you guys all think it would still be my place to take her to the hospital, right? Our main mental health hospital for SI (suicidal ideation) requires people either come through the hospital system or show up voluntarily, so I would just take her to an ER where they could put a 72 hour hold on her. I know the "correct"test  answer for all of these things, but my main issue here is what to do as a spouse/friend rather than as a medical provider. I know that her life is more important than our relationship, but both are really important. 

 

Anyway, thanks for the continued advice. 



And please, I would love for anyone else to come here for help/questions. I feel that mental health has a stigma attached to it, and it really bothers me that it does. Someone going to the hospital for depression should feel no worse about themselves than someone who is going there for a broken leg or cancer or whatever. But, having said that, I used to be part of the problem myself, so over the past few years I have tried to do what I can to make up for that. This forum is a very safe place to talk about things you may be to afraid to talk about. And, it may help lots of other people suffering from similar problems, or people that just want to learn how to help others cope.




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