Quantcast

Jump to content


Photo

Would you have a kid with your friend?


  • Please log in to reply
18 replies to this topic

#1 Mishelle

Mishelle
  • Bitch Of The Boards

  • 2,244 posts


Users Awards

Posted 08 August 2018 - 06:50 PM

I heard that there’s an increase of friends having kids together and just Co-parenting rather than seeking long term romantic relationships and having kids. I was actually talking about it with my friend John. We both have baby fever, and of course he’s super gay. We think we’d have cute kids.

If you were single and wanted a kid, would you have one with your friend and Co-parent? Or does it sound like a recipe for disaster?

#2 Padme

Padme
  • Tofu Tatas

  • 1,670 posts


Users Awards

Posted 08 August 2018 - 08:47 PM

I think this can be a really great idea but also potentially disastrous much like all parenting scenarios can be.

 

I see 'forever' friendships end all the damn time I have coworkers, family and friends telling me about how their 'soulmate' best friend and them have broken up. 

I also see the potential for issues arising if/when one of the partners ends up finding a long term partner and the spectrum of emotion it could bestow on an already unconventional approach to parenting.

 

I think in an ideal world it could work really well but it would need to be well thought out. A lot of the important questions romantic partners should be asking before embarking on a parental journey together are definitely questions friends don't ask one another (parenting style, expectations of children, etc.)

 

That said, I'd definitely have a baby with @Shannon HMU   



#3 Shannon

Shannon
  • 💦🌺 water type ♓✨

  • 1,618 posts


Users Awards

Posted 09 August 2018 - 07:11 AM

That said, I'd definitely have a baby with @Shannon HMU

 

You rang, baby mama?

 

Which one of us has to carry the kids? Or is this gonna be our first fight



#4 KaibaSama

KaibaSama
  • Screw the rules, I have money!


  • 5,318 posts


Users Awards

Posted 09 August 2018 - 07:55 AM

Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. 

 

If it doesn't last, then it can cause irreversible harm to the children. They can be seen as reminders of a painful past by the parents, along with the fact that children may think they caused it to end and it's their fault everything is messed up now. 

 

If one of the parent finds another partner, what happens if they break up then? Children constantly going through changes with their families, the people who raise them, isn't the best for them. 

 

Plus, what if it develops into something more with one of the parents? What if they want more but the other doesn't? That's more harm caused to the parents, which can then impact the children. 

 

Don't have kids just because you have baby fever. 

 

Sure you don't have to pay for a wedding or a divorce, so costs are cut down there. That's really the only good I can see out of this.



#5 Keil

Keil
  • Above Average Mediocrity

  • 6,480 posts


Users Awards

Posted 09 August 2018 - 08:52 AM

No for me because the commitment level to stay with a child-raising relationship with a friend tend not to be at a high enough threshold to hold them accountable. Not saying marriage is the only way, but with that, people are less inclined to separate with their partner because of social shame that is most likely self-imposed with divorce, losing assets, and the breaking of both legal and verbal marital contracts. 

 

All I'm saying is that a friendship breaking apart can be done with little or no consequence, but something with a higher commitment level like marriage forces you to stick it out and work at your relationship. 

 

tl;dr

 

Get a lawyer first.

 

Define your roles.

 

Make sure that bitch pays for their part even when your relationship breaks off. 



#6 Coops

Coops
  • 🌧️🌩️🌧️


  • 4,006 posts


Users Awards

Posted 09 August 2018 - 11:50 AM

Honestly, I think it's a great idea if everyone involved is financially prepared since money is one of the biggest stressors in all relationships, but especially for two parents when there is a kid involved. But I'm also non-monogamous and just have a generally different perspective when it comes to kids. Honestly, I'd love to just live on a fucking "commune" with friends and the people I loved, and we just all raise our kids together as like a village. I feel like that's way better and healthier for the kids and prevents the stress nuclear families end up dealing with (gendered roles and expectations, financial stress, poor communication, etc). 



#7 Romy

Romy
  • Neocodex Elite Four Member


  • 4,833 posts


Users Awards

Posted 09 August 2018 - 12:47 PM

Honestly, I think it's a great idea if everyone involved is financially prepared since money is one of the biggest stressors in all relationships, but especially for two parents when there is a kid involved. But I'm also non-monogamous and just have a generally different perspective when it comes to kids. Honestly, I'd love to just live on a fucking "commune" with friends and the people I loved, and we just all raise our kids together as like a village. I feel like that's way better and healthier for the kids and prevents the stress nuclear families end up dealing with (gendered roles and expectations, financial stress, poor communication, etc). 

 

I feel like a bunch of hippies living on a farm will still encounter all the issues you mentioned. Children need (a) central authority figure(s). A commune just sounds like a way to avoid being directly responsible for your offspring.

 

 

 

This is a pretty bad idea. Like Keil said, a "friendship" isn't nearly a strong enough bond to consider raising a kid with someone. 
A committed relationship is the best base for raising a child.

(Not to say that single parents can't do it, I just don't think that it's the best way to raise a kid. Kudos to those men and women that make it work.)



#8 cara

cara
  • 56/m/mexico

  • 3,358 posts


Users Awards

Posted 09 August 2018 - 07:24 PM

Honestly, I think it's a great idea if everyone involved is financially prepared since money is one of the biggest stressors in all relationships, but especially for two parents when there is a kid involved. But I'm also non-monogamous and just have a generally different perspective when it comes to kids. Honestly, I'd love to just live on a fucking "commune" with friends and the people I loved, and we just all raise our kids together as like a village. I feel like that's way better and healthier for the kids and prevents the stress nuclear families end up dealing with (gendered roles and expectations, financial stress, poor communication, etc).


This immediately makes me think of all those cults us Canadians watch documentaries about in the US where child marriages/rape runs rampant. As well as sexual diseases, drug use, and whatever other weird shit cults do. I’m sure that’s not what you were getting at though, just reminds me of it.

That being said, my bestfriend wants to raise her child communally. Not at the scale, but in a house with her other friends and her sister. She’s over 40, would like a sperm donor, and does not want to raise the child alone. I think she’s a wonderful human being and would make a great mother, her friends are lovely and her sister has raised her own happy and healthy children. So why not? As someone who has had a father walk out on them, is that not a better scenario?

I like the idea of raising children communally. I feel like I wish I had more adult figures in my life as a child. If it’s a safe and healthy environment, surrounded by loving people, what’s wrong with that? It has all the same downfalls as a marriage may have (fighting, breaking up, whatever). There is no avoiding that risk, friends or spouse alike.

#9 Mishelle

Mishelle
  • Bitch Of The Boards

  • 2,244 posts


Users Awards

Posted 10 August 2018 - 05:13 AM

My parents broke up when I was really small. But they always remained friendly and respectful of one another (as long as I can remember anyway). They co-patented me just fine. I think it was a better scenario that they broke up, worked their shit out and became friends while I was really small so when I grew up I never had to deal with watching them fight or bad mouth each other. I was also raised by my aunts and my grandma. I think the nuclear family model isn’t the best which is probably why so many couples break up shortly after having babies or go through a rocky period because their whole lives become focused on the kids. I agree that it does take a village to raise kids.

#10 Kate

Kate

  • 7,603 posts


Users Awards

Posted 10 August 2018 - 08:03 AM

My parents broke up when I was really small. But they always remained friendly and respectful of one another (as long as I can remember anyway). They co-patented me just fine. I think it was a better scenario that they broke up, worked their shit out and became friends while I was really small so when I grew up I never had to deal with watching them fight or bad mouth each other. I was also raised by my aunts and my grandma. I think the nuclear family model isn’t the best which is probably why so many couples break up shortly after having babies or go through a rocky period because their whole lives become focused on the kids. I agree that it does take a village to raise kids.

My parents split up when I was a year old and had a pretty healthy co-parenting situation too. I don't remember my Mom ever bad mouthing my Dad until I was grown lmfao by then I was old enough to see any flaws he had for myself and she had her share too! I have two Dads, they're both my world. Have none of you people seen Mama Mia? It CAN WORK OK



#11 Coops

Coops
  • 🌧️🌩️🌧️


  • 4,006 posts


Users Awards

Posted 10 August 2018 - 12:15 PM

I feel like a bunch of hippies living on a farm will still encounter all the issues you mentioned. Children need (a) central authority figure(s). A commune just sounds like a way to avoid being directly responsible for your offspring.
 
 
 
This is a pretty bad idea. Like Keil said, a "friendship" isn't nearly a strong enough bond to consider raising a kid with someone. 
A committed relationship is the best base for raising a child.
(Not to say that single parents can't do it, I just don't think that it's the best way to raise a kid. Kudos to those men and women that make it work.)


Nowhere did I say people in a village situation wouldn't be responsible for their kid, and assuming that's what I meant is silly. I fail to see how communally raising kids doesn't include authority figures, but ok.

@cara yeah I agree the concept has some cultural implications but I truly don't mean it in a weird cult way. I just think there is a lot more stability and support when more people are involved in child-rearing, like families that are multigenerational in one home, the kids tend to do better because they have more than just mom and dad to offer social, emotional, mental and physical support you know? I agree that there are potential problems with communally raising a kid, but it's like that with all families. And I think it's cool your friend wants to try something different! She should go for it. Honestly, my family was nuclear, and it was garbage and none of my close friends had positive nuclear family environments. I think so much of it is cultural.

#12 Romy

Romy
  • Neocodex Elite Four Member


  • 4,833 posts


Users Awards

Posted 10 August 2018 - 04:17 PM

Nowhere did I say people in a village situation wouldn't be responsible for their kid, and assuming that's what I meant is silly. I fail to see how communally raising kids doesn't include authority figures, but ok.

I very specifically said "central authority figure(s)". A kid needs a center. Having people on the periphery is helpful but not crucial.

 

Read the entire sentence, silly.



#13 cara

cara
  • 56/m/mexico

  • 3,358 posts


Users Awards

Posted 10 August 2018 - 04:20 PM

Nowhere did I say people in a village situation wouldn't be responsible for their kid, and assuming that's what I meant is silly. I fail to see how communally raising kids doesn't include authority figures, but ok.

@cara yeah I agree the concept has some cultural implications but I truly don't mean it in a weird cult way. I just think there is a lot more stability and support when more people are involved in child-rearing, like families that are multigenerational in one home, the kids tend to do better because they have more than just mom and dad to offer social, emotional, mental and physical support you know? I agree that there are potential problems with communally raising a kid, but it's like that with all families. And I think it's cool your friend wants to try something different! She should go for it. Honestly, my family was nuclear, and it was garbage and none of my close friends had positive nuclear family environments. I think so much of it is cultural.


I actually totally agree - different people bring different things to the table. Where one parental figure might fall short, another can step in and offer what is lacking. I also had a pretty ‘nuclear’ as you like to say childhood .. maybe that just makes us more open minded.

My friend has had people tell her that the child will be confused by being raised by a group of people, rather than just two .. I think that’s why she’s hesitating.

#14 Coops

Coops
  • 🌧️🌩️🌧️


  • 4,006 posts


Users Awards

Posted 10 August 2018 - 04:54 PM

I actually totally agree - different people bring different things to the table. Where one parental figure might fall short, another can step in and offer what is lacking. I also had a pretty ‘nuclear’ as you like to say childhood .. maybe that just makes us more open minded.

My friend has had people tell her that the child will be confused by being raised by a group of people, rather than just two .. I think that’s why she’s hesitating.

Yeah! That's why I think it could be functionally superior to the traditional two parent type household. I think more perspectives in how to handle situations are better that's why I generally ask my friends for help when I'm faced with difficult situations. And I don't think child-rearing should be any different. I mean we already do it right? We ask more knowledgeable parents (we as in humans) when our kids are sick, when our kids are doing bad things, etc. This is just making that assistance more immediate and involves people loving our kids. Also, pooling social/economic resources will mean kids are better provided for.

I think it can be confusing for sure, but so can two parent households, and that shit generally comes from poor communication. So as long as she's a solid communicator, I'm sure it'll be okay, however it works out. I don't blame her for hesitating honestly. I mean - people are judgy and shitty and she will probably get flack for it if she makes the plunge.

But yeah I think you're right. Our unique situations growing up probably impacted our ability to accept a different type of family dynamic. All I can say is if I ever have a kid, I sure as shit do not want my family dynamic to be remotely similar to what I had growing up. I was abused, neglected and my parents were so dysfunctional. I have minimal contact with my mom now, I can never go home, and I disowned my dad. When I did that, nearly all my extended family disowned me, despite all knowing he was physically and emotionally abusive lol. Like they've all literally just said things like "well that's just how he is" and accepted it. They would talk about how he did horrible things to me and say they understood, but when it came down to it, they'd rather accept him as abusive trash than force him to face consequences for beating the shit out of me as a kid. I didn't even ask them to choose me or him, just expected them to respect my choice, but they didn't and called me heartless because "family means everything", etc. Anyways, I'm sure I can do better than that at the end of the day.

This has been your overly personal Coops anecdote lmao.



#15 Bee

Bee
  • 1,169 posts


Users Awards

Posted 11 August 2018 - 03:11 AM

I personally would not have a kid with a friend, but I can see the appeal in raising a child communally.  I was raised by two parents (who are still together), but I was also raised by my extended family. It's a cultural thing, Nigerian families seem to have no boundaries and really subscribe to the whole 'it takes a village to rear a child' ideology and so my brothers and I grew up knowing we had - and still have - an excellent support network (outside our parents) around us.  I think this is the advantage of raising a child communally, especially if it's done right.



#16 cara

cara
  • 56/m/mexico

  • 3,358 posts


Users Awards

Posted 11 August 2018 - 02:57 PM

Yeah! That's why I think it could be functionally superior to the traditional two parent type household. I think more perspectives in how to handle situations are better that's why I generally ask my friends for help when I'm faced with difficult situations. And I don't think child-rearing should be any different. I mean we already do it right? We ask more knowledgeable parents (we as in humans) when our kids are sick, when our kids are doing bad things, etc. This is just making that assistance more immediate and involves people loving our kids. Also, pooling social/economic resources will mean kids are better provided for.

I think it can be confusing for sure, but so can two parent households, and that shit generally comes from poor communication. So as long as she's a solid communicator, I'm sure it'll be okay, however it works out. I don't blame her for hesitating honestly. I mean - people are judgy and shitty and she will probably get flack for it if she makes the plunge.

But yeah I think you're right. Our unique situations growing up probably impacted our ability to accept a different type of family dynamic. All I can say is if I ever have a kid, I sure as shit do not want my family dynamic to be remotely similar to what I had growing up. I was abused, neglected and my parents were so dysfunctional. I have minimal contact with my mom now, I can never go home, and I disowned my dad. When I did that, nearly all my extended family disowned me, despite all knowing he was physically and emotionally abusive lol. Like they've all literally just said things like "well that's just how he is" and accepted it. They would talk about how he did horrible things to me and say they understood, but when it came down to it, they'd rather accept him as abusive trash than force him to face consequences for beating the shit out of me as a kid. I didn't even ask them to choose me or him, just expected them to respect my choice, but they didn't and called me heartless because "family means everything", etc. Anyways, I'm sure I can do better than that at the end of the day.

This has been your overly personal Coops anecdote lmao.


Lmao NEVER EVER feel bad about cutting out toxic people from your life. Even if that’s your mother, father, brother, whatever. The unfortunate part about being a child is being at the mercy of others. Being an adult means you never have to put up with those people again. I don’t mean to be harsh but if your family would reject you for rejecting a man who was abusive, then fuck them too. I also had to make the tough choice of cutting my dad out of my life at a certain point (we’re back in contact now .. kind of). But my family was also upset that I chose to do that. There’s no shame in ever putting yourself first. Toxic people don’t have a place in your life as an adult.

I replied to your off topic rant with an off topic rant so I apologize to op lol.

#17 Jess

Jess
  • 🍴Aioli-American🍴


  • 9,417 posts


Users Awards

Posted 08 September 2018 - 07:47 AM

Hi! I did this and it failed. The father lied about being in love with me, manipulated me into staying and turning down an excellent job in another state, and we ultimately ended up being neither friends nor in a relationship and I hate fucking everything about him!

#18 Amethyst

Amethyst
  • 2,933 posts


Users Awards

Posted 08 September 2018 - 04:44 PM

I wouldn't ever have a child regardless of the situation so no. 



#19 Purrina

Purrina
  • 18 posts

Posted 13 September 2018 - 09:40 AM

I can see where it may seem more appealing to have a child with a friend then with a lover, but I would never do that.

 

First, I'm not a child friendly person. I love my nieces and nephews, but I also like giving them back after a few hours. I wouldn't want one full time.

 

Second, thanks to lack of forethought to get genetic counseling on the part of my parents (who were teens at the time and not thinking about much more then their hormones *sigh*), I carry some pretty unfriendly hereditary diseases in my genes. I would not want to pass that along to anyone.

 

Finally, I would be afraid it would ruin the friendship.  I've seen some "friends with benefits" relationships work, but I've seen a lot more of them crash and burn.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users