179 replies to this topic

[likerobots]

i was admiring nymh and punkrock's love for codexians and then a cat came up

[Tummytubbles]

I don't think they'd work out much, anyways.

[Foxer]

iargue, on 02 February 2012 - 01:51 PM, said:

You misunderstood my point entirely.

The one thing that separates best friends from a relationship (Or the one thing that should. Not all relationships are as close as they should be, sadly) is physical contact. While you can do everything that you do with your boyfriend, except have physical contact. That's the same as having a really close friend, or friend with benefits if you do dirty things over the webcam too, not the same thing as being in an actual relationship.

I'm not saying that shes not in love, and I'm not saying that they are not happy, and that it wont work. I'm saying its nothing fundamentally different then having a close friend.

Love is exactly what the difference between a friendship and a relationship is. Think about it, if physical attraction was the only difference, what does that say about asexual people? Can they never be in relationships because they have no interest in sex? What about people who are somehow unable or simply don't want to? I know of a man who had an accident and can no longer have sex, but that doesn't automatically mean he is no longer in a relationship with his wife. There are a great many couples who are celibate by choice or necessity who still share a deep love with their partners.

Furthermore, you're making some pretty big assumptions. The difference between my boyfriend and my other online friends is that we're actually planning a future together. We can actually see ourselves getting married and even plan some of the details of it. We've discussed children and our views on various important things which we will have to deal with later in life. There is a kind of depth of affection that is profoundly different from any other kind of platonic relationship. If you have not experienced the feeling of loving someone else than that is probably why you can't imagine an online relationship working out.

And let me clarify what I mean by love. I don't mean the hot-headed emotional feelings which people often mistake for love. I'm talking about the very quiet subtle kind of love which is, first and foremost, a choice to love perfect someone who is by nature imperfect. That means choosing to overlook their faults, seeking their good over your own, and shutting your mouth rather than saying something hurtful in the heat of an argument. Many people misunderstand love such that they "fall" for someone easily, invest their hearts and get them broken when they discover they weren't really that keen on the person anyway. For a good long while, I was in love with the idea of love, with the idea of having a boyfriend rather than with my boyfriend himself. I took a good year before I was able to assure myself that, yes, I have taken off my rose-tinted glasses, glimpsed his ugly sides and still love him in spite of those things, and that is a choice, not some wishy-washy feeling.

So yes, there is a big difference between friendship and a relationship, and contrary to your beliefs, it is not sex.

To the people who say "I don't think they can work out but I've seen some of them work out", what you really should say is "I don't think it could work for me." Which is true, because a lot of people wouldn't be able to cope with the distance. It takes a really strong connection to last for any length of time and two mature people who're not slaves to their sex drives to make it work. If you wouldn't be able to do it, that's your position on the matter, but please don't just declare online relationships as completely and utterly unsuccessful 100% of te time, you're committing a fallacy of logic, and I am living proof of that.

Edited by Foxer, 03 February 2012 - 02:35 AM.

[Sida]

Foxer, on 03 February 2012 - 02:29 AM, said:

Love is exactly what the difference between a friendship and a relationship is. Think about it, if physical attraction was the only difference, what does that say about asexual people? Can they never be in relationships because they have no interest in sex? What about people who are somehow unable or simply don't want to? I know of a man who had an accident and can no longer have sex, but that doesn't automatically mean he is no longer in a relationship with his wife. There are a great many couples who are celibate by choice or necessity who still share a deep love with their partners.

Furthermore, you're making some pretty big assumptions. The difference between my boyfriend and my other online friends is that we're actually planning a future together. We can actually see ourselves getting married and even plan some of the details of it. We've discussed children and our views on various important things which we will have to deal with later in life. There is a kind of depth of affection that is profoundly different from any other kind of platonic relationship. If you have not experienced the feeling of loving someone else than that is probably why you can't imagine an online relationship working out.

And let me clarify what I mean by love. I don't mean the hot-headed emotional feelings which people often mistake for love. I'm talking about the very quiet subtle kind of love which is, first and foremost, a choice to love perfect someone who is by nature imperfect. That means choosing to overlook their faults, seeking their good over your own, and shutting your mouth rather than saying something hurtful in the heat of an argument. Many people misunderstand love such that they "fall" for someone easily, invest their hearts and get them broken when they discover they weren't really that keen on the person anyway. For a good long while, I was in love with the idea of love, with the idea of having a boyfriend rather than with my boyfriend himself. I took a good year before I was able to assure myself that, yes, I have taken off my rose-tinted glasses, glimpsed his ugly sides and still love him in spite of those things, and that is a choice, not some wishy-washy feeling.

So yes, there is a big difference between friendship and a relationship, and contrary to your beliefs, it is not sex.

To the people who say "I don't think they can work out but I've seen some of them work out", what you really should say is "I don't think it could work for me." Which is true, because a lot of people wouldn't be able to cope with the distance. It takes a really strong connection to last for any length of time and two mature people who're not slaves to their sex drives to make it work. If you wouldn't be able to do it, that's your position on the matter, but please don't just declare online relationships as completely and utterly unsuccessful 100% of te time, you're committing a fallacy of logic, and I am living proof of that.

You're talking about an online relationship while he's pretty much talking about "can a relationship exist without sex?" and obviously thinks no sex means no relationship.
Though that means, by his own definition, that he's probably never had a relationship

[punkrockbigmouth]

Foxer, I think I love you. Where have you been all my life? Probably online talking to your fake boyfriend, huh? Why do you only have 8 posts?
I'm watching you.

Sida, on 03 February 2012 - 03:20 AM, said:

You're talking about an online relationship while he's pretty much talking about "can a relationship exist without sex?" and obviously thinks no sex means no relationship.
Though that means, by his own definition, that he's probably never had a relationship

Virgin shaming. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Anyway- Subway. Bounced.

[nymh]

punkrockbigmouth, on 03 February 2012 - 05:01 AM, said:

Foxer, I think I love you. Where have you been all my life? Probably online talking to your fake boyfriend, huh? Why do you only have 8 posts?
I'm watching you.

I love her too. I might even fight you over her. But really just because I want to touch you and legitimize this fake online relationship we have

Edited by nymh, 03 February 2012 - 05:30 AM.

[Sida]

punkrockbigmouth, on 03 February 2012 - 05:01 AM, said:

Virgin shaming. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Anyway- Subway. Bounced.

Oh yeah. I must be wrong then.

[IcedEarth]

For me I think it's a great way to start a relationship and then later on meet up.

[Foxer]

punkrockbigmouth, on 03 February 2012 - 05:01 AM, said:

Foxer, I think I love you. Where have you been all my life? Probably online talking to your fake boyfriend, huh? Why do you only have 8 posts?
I'm watching you.



Virgin shaming. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Anyway- Subway. Bounced.

Lawl, fake boyfriend is a new one. x3

With you on that! Dayum, I was a virgin until my bf and I met up in Melbourne, Australia. In high school when everyone else was sleeping with frigging anyone and thinking "man this is cool lol". I was just chillin' and enjoying a life free of those complications, free of all the pregnant teen drama and the shit going around.

There's a saying; Even a dead dog can float with the current. It takes strength to swim against it. I swam against it until I found the man I'm gonna marry. ;D

Virgins by choice, you are awesome and I have the utmost respect for you. <3

[Frizzle]

The fact you have respect for people who go against basic human behaviour makes me think you may be an idiot.

Sex is great. You obviously aren't getting any good shit.

[Foxer]

Frizzle, on 03 February 2012 - 03:39 PM, said:

The fact you have respect for people who go against basic human behaviour makes me think you may be an idiot.

Sex is great. You obviously aren't getting any good shit.

Sex is great, but I don't let my base drives control me, and I respect people with the willpower to do likewise. Especially when there was a whole lot of peer pressure to be a total slutbag and screw your life up because of it.

[iargue]

Foxer, on 03 February 2012 - 02:29 AM, said:

Love is exactly what the difference between a friendship and a relationship is. Think about it, if physical attraction was the only difference, what does that say about asexual people? Can they never be in relationships because they have no interest in sex? What about people who are somehow unable or simply don't want to? I know of a man who had an accident and can no longer have sex, but that doesn't automatically mean he is no longer in a relationship with his wife. There are a great many couples who are celibate by choice or necessity who still share a deep love with their partners.

Furthermore, you're making some pretty big assumptions. The difference between my boyfriend and my other online friends is that we're actually planning a future together. We can actually see ourselves getting married and even plan some of the details of it. We've discussed children and our views on various important things which we will have to deal with later in life. There is a kind of depth of affection that is profoundly different from any other kind of platonic relationship. If you have not experienced the feeling of loving someone else than that is probably why you can't imagine an online relationship working out.

And let me clarify what I mean by love. I don't mean the hot-headed emotional feelings which people often mistake for love. I'm talking about the very quiet subtle kind of love which is, first and foremost, a choice to love perfect someone who is by nature imperfect. That means choosing to overlook their faults, seeking their good over your own, and shutting your mouth rather than saying something hurtful in the heat of an argument. Many people misunderstand love such that they "fall" for someone easily, invest their hearts and get them broken when they discover they weren't really that keen on the person anyway. For a good long while, I was in love with the idea of love, with the idea of having a boyfriend rather than with my boyfriend himself. I took a good year before I was able to assure myself that, yes, I have taken off my rose-tinted glasses, glimpsed his ugly sides and still love him in spite of those things, and that is a choice, not some wishy-washy feeling.

So yes, there is a big difference between friendship and a relationship, and contrary to your beliefs, it is not sex.

To the people who say "I don't think they can work out but I've seen some of them work out", what you really should say is "I don't think it could work for me." Which is true, because a lot of people wouldn't be able to cope with the distance. It takes a really strong connection to last for any length of time and two mature people who're not slaves to their sex drives to make it work. If you wouldn't be able to do it, that's your position on the matter, but please don't just declare online relationships as completely and utterly unsuccessful 100% of te time, you're committing a fallacy of logic, and I am living proof of that.

You keep taking this as if I am saying that you are not in a relationship. Or that there is something wrong with your relationship, or anything else.

I've had very strong feelings for people over long distance. I am a believer that it can work. But what I am saying is that logically, there isn't anything different then a friendship. Put aside the emotions and there is nothing there but a friendship. That is all that I am saying.

[nymh]

iargue, on 03 February 2012 - 04:47 PM, said:

But what I am saying is that logically, there isn't anything different then a friendship.

iargue, on 03 February 2012 - 04:47 PM, said:

Put aside the emotions and there is nothing there but a friendship.

That doesn't make sense
By your own words, it's the emotions that make the difference

[soul__stealer]

nymh, on 03 February 2012 - 04:59 PM, said:

That doesn't make sense
By your own words, it's the emotions that make the difference

Quote

Never argue with an idiot, they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

[Foxer]

*shrugs* Think what you like, it isn't logical. It wouldn't be called a relationship if there weren't differences above and beyond simple emotion.

I don't know about you but I certainly don't plan to get married to my friends, talk to them about where we'll live together or how many kids we're gonna have. xD Must be some pretty weird arse friendships you got there. xDDDDDDD

Edited by Foxer, 03 February 2012 - 05:06 PM.

[Sweeney]

Foxer, on 03 February 2012 - 05:02 PM, said:

Must be some pretty weird arse friendships you got there. xDDDDDDD

Well, they're all in his head, so his friendships can exist however he likes.

[SecretFaerie]

Foxer, on 03 February 2012 - 04:42 PM, said:

Sex is great, but I don't let my base drives control me, and I respect people with the willpower to do likewise. Especially when there was a whole lot of peer pressure to be a total slutbag and screw your life up because of it.

This sounds like you think there is no area between sex after marriage and being a total slutbag. And I also think putting a label "slutbag" on someones head just because he/she is fucking a lot of people is pretty stupid. I think these young kids nowadays get a very bad impression about sex through TV/Internet. They think it's something you should do to be cool, and something not that important, let alone connected with love. And yes, you can blame them for not being smart and have an opinion of their own, but that is very hard during adolescence. I respect you for making your own choice though.

Now back on the online relationship subject. I have had several relationships starting online. But I always met them a few weeks after that. I never had a relationship with someone who lived far away though, and I can't see that working out. A few people I know always get into those kind of relationships. They never last!

Quote

I've had very strong feelings for people over long distance. I am a believer that it can work. But what I am saying is that logically, there isn't anything different then a friendship. Put aside the emotions and there is nothing there but a friendship. That is all that I am saying.

I think this is silly. Ofcourse a long-distance online love is different from friendship. Two people can fall in love only through chatting, make a choise to be together, and not date other people.

But that is just being in love. I think that a good/balanced relationship needs more then online contact. Through online contact, you never know all the (often negative) sides of that person. You never know if he/she is showing their true nature. It's easy to show only good parts of yourself online. The physical part is also important in my opinion. I would feel horrible if the guy I love is going through a hard time and I can never be close to him physically, to give him a hug or kiss him. A balanced relationship needs intimacy, trust and space to grow together. To accept each others flaws and crazy impulses. I don't think you can reach that online.

[Jabberwock]

hoju, on 14 December 2005 - 03:15 PM, said:

On runescape this couple married and it made the news...

When I was in junior high, I had a friend who's mother was one of those crazy obsessive WoW players. She met someone from Egypt, divorced her husband and took the kids with her to be with this man.....I haven't heard from that girl since. Absolute fucking insanity.


Personally, I don't really support online relationships. During my stupid teenage years I actually was in on for a month or so with a boy from across the US (retarded, I know) and I dumped him because it was just dumb. We had some great conversations, but a relationship is just a bit too much. It's no way near comparable to having them right down the street. Maybe it works for some people, just not me.

Edited by Jabberwock, 07 February 2012 - 12:47 PM.

[lonewolf]

IcedEarth, on 03 February 2012 - 08:59 AM, said:

For me I think it's a great way to start a relationship and then later on meet up.

I agree,, meeting up: Yes. But a full blown realtionship? No, i don tthink thats possible with out physical connection

[rocket]

Without really reading through the whole thread but just skimming posts, here is two cents.
I think online relationships can last to an extent. I met a guy back in 2004 when I was a wee youngen, and we were friends for 2 years, tried the "online dating" thing for a while and realized that we had real feelings for each other and we ended up meeting several times throughout 2006 (he was in canada, and I in the US but only a timezone apart). I ended up moving to live with him and we dated for a few years before we went out separate ways.

Recently I've found myself in a similar situation again, unsure if it's my social awkwardness and that I find I have a hard time relating to people IRL sometimes or what. But I have a friend who I met on (neopets) and we've got really close through email/msn/skype/etc. He's my best friend, I've known him for 2ish years and I am in love with him even though I have never met him, and he feels the same way, sometimes (lol?). We've talked about the relationship thing, but in my opinion, we aren't teenagers and we live on opposite sides of the world, and without having the physical aspect of a relationship it wont work. Sure we do as much as we can to please the other, but in the end if it's only "online" there is only so far it can go. I'd rather have him as a friend who I fool around with than tie him down to me so he can still go out and get the physical stimulation from others as he see's fit and vice versa.


TL;DR? I think online relationships can work if you plan on making it something real, not if you don't plan on meeting each other ever.

[JorJor]

One of my best friends met a guy on DeviantArt and they're married now She said it was really difficult though, not being able to have physical contact. But I guess love always finds a way (cheesy, I know)

[SirBaggy]

I think you are just setting yourself for solitude. Spending even more of your time in front of a computer screen instead of going out.

[zandra]

3-4 years of experience with online relationships, they all tell me one thing, they dont work out.

Even if they meet-up etc (aka physical contact), it is simply different, the times and memories that you would usually hold precious (the wooing bit) is lost to online text, video, games and so on. when it comes to real life, you might also not be as comfortable with the person as you are with him/her in RL. all these factors adds up,proving to be a difficult barrier to overcome. Of course, it does not mean that it is impossible.

Crazy stuffs do happen in online dating.
I had one friend that was dating the actual person, with a fake name, that was married.
I had friends whose mothers are in these online relationship who use their daughter's identity and even ask their daughters to help them if there is a need for webcam chat etc

Most of the online relationships i know that "worked out" in the terms of they getting married are usually due to shotgun =/

[Maeghan]

zandra, on 23 February 2012 - 03:12 AM, said:

I had friends whose mothers are in these online relationship who use their daughter's identity and even ask their daughters to help them if there is a need for webcam chat etc

That is absolutely disgusting.

Having been in my fair share or online relationships,
none of mine worked out.

Two of them stick out in my mind,
one was the kid in New Jersey when we were in freshman year. We would write letters, talk on the phone ALL THE TIME. But we broke it off, which honestly probably has to do more with our age then being online.
Another was the guy from Kentucky my Junior year. My dad actually flew him out here for a week, and we had a lot of fun. But again, it wasnt going anywhere, so we broke it off after much drama. Ironically, he hooked up with this other girl we both knew from this online group and he moved in with her shortly after he and I broke up... 30 minutes away from me. Now I live in terror of running into them at Walmart or something. Fucking awkward.

I guess that could be a positive of online relationships, after yall break up, you dont have the really uncomfortable run ins.

Overall, I think it can work, but its highly unlikely.

For every successful happy-ever-after online relatioship, there's 20 that broke up/ended up being a creepy stalker.

[Sweeney]

Maeghan, on 23 February 2012 - 04:58 AM, said:

For every successful happy-ever-after online relatioship, there's 20 that broke up/ended up being a creepy stalker.

So, pretty much like offline relationships too, then.