12 replies to this topic

[Tarabyte]

I've been wanting to write a short story about the old coal mining towns of West Virginia for a while, and I was approached recently by a local publication to do so. I wanted a little feed back on the direction I'm going so far, because it's been a while since I've written a short story.

I can't trust my friends or family for actual criticism, so I'll try this.


It would be useful if you could tell me any emotions it provokes, if any.

Thanks in advance for any comments/criticism.


Just a small excerpt, not the entirety of what I have so far:

Spoiler

Matching houses line the streets, a ramshackle reminder of a coal industry that’s all but abandoned us. The draw of the mines is still lurking around, still luring in our kith & kin, past the skin of our rolling hills and into the bones of the earth. Clouding their lungs with the black powder that drove our state. The life force of West Virginia’s industrial capability was choking out the boys who would, in another time and place, have been warriors - protecting the women, the children.

inb4 tl;dr It's a paragraph long. Seriously.

Edited by TaraTantrum, 06 April 2011 - 09:41 PM.

[Royce]

The draw of the mines is still lurking around, still luring in our kith & kin, our young and fit, past the skin of our rolling hills, our ancient mountains and into the bones of the earth run on..kinda i mean i feel the many appositives but ehhhh
if you dont want to post the whole story on the forum pm me it and ill be happy to edit it and give you more feedback!

[Tarabyte]

The draw of the mines is still lurking around, still luring in our kith & kin, our young and fit, past the skin of our rolling hills, our ancient mountains and into the bones of the earth run on..kinda i mean i feel the many appositives but ehhhh
if you dont want to post the whole story on the forum pm me it and ill be happy to edit it and give you more feedback!

Thanks for the offer, but it'll be edited several time before it's finished. I'll work on that line, though.

Edit: I went ahead & just pruned that sentence. Once you pointed it out, it really bothered me. XD

Edited by TaraTantrum, 06 April 2011 - 09:42 PM.

[Formaldehyde]

tl;dr????

Sounds awesome plot-wise! The only glaring thing I see grammar-wise is why did you choose to use "&" in one place and "and" in others? Perhaps I'm just being anal, but I just wanted to know if there was some sort of significance.

[Tarabyte]

tl;dr????

Sounds awesome plot-wise! The only glaring thing I see grammar-wise is why did you choose to use "&" in one place and "and" in others? Perhaps I'm just being anal, but I just wanted to know if there was some sort of significance.

Haha. Because I typed it, & it's just a bad habit of mine. All that'll be fixed.

[Royce]

Thanks for the offer, but it'll be edited several time before it's finished. I'll work on that line, though.

Edit: I went ahead & just pruned that sentence. Once you pointed it out, it really bothered me. XD

yea no problem...i have had my fair share of run-ons

[Junsu]

Lots of potential places to add smilies to add to imagery.
Possibly use a simile as a hook, cuz Im not getting hooked.


It seems as if the women and children are safe.
Im not sure if thats what you're trying to convey though...

Edited by Junsu, 06 April 2011 - 10:34 PM.

[Tarabyte]

Lots of potential places to add smilies to add to imagery.
Possibly use a simile as a hook, cuz Im not getting hooked.


It seems as if the women and children are safe.
Im not sure if thats what you're trying to convey though...

Spoiler

Matching houses line the streets, a ramshackle reminder of a coal industry that’s all but abandoned us. The draw of the mines is still lurking around, still luring in our kith & kin, past the skin of our rolling hills and into the bones of the earth. Clouding their lungs with the black powder that drove our state. The life force of West Virginia’s industrial capability was choking out the boys who would, in another time and place, have been warriors - protecting the women, the children.

Better? XD


I did say that the women & children were left unprotected, but I'll elaborate more on it the vulnerability. Thanks.

[Junsu]

Spoiler

Matching houses line the streets, a ramshackle reminder of a coal industry that’s all but abandoned us. The draw of the mines is still lurking around, still luring in our kith & kin, past the skin of our rolling hills and into the bones of the earth. Clouding their lungs with the black powder that drove our state. The life force of West Virginia’s industrial capability was choking out the boys who would, in another time and place, have been warriors - protecting the women, the children.

Better? XD

I did say that the women & children were left unprotected, but I'll elaborate more on it the vulnerability. Thanks.

At first I was like... wait... she bolded similes but I dont see any... I just see... smili- OHHHHHH

[Formaldehyde]

At first I was like... wait... she bolded similes but I dont see any... I just see... smili- OHHHHHH

Hahahhah this made me laugh . Junsu meant to bold SIMILIES, not smilies.

edit: i think.

Edited by Formaldehyde, 07 April 2011 - 08:27 AM.

[ilovepolkadots]

Clouding their lungs with the black powder that drove our state.

i do not know enough about coal energy, but it is actually powdered coal that they use to run the plants that create the energy? or is it shipped in chunks? also the use of "state" is confusing here since it could be construed as physical state.

was choking out the boys who would, in another time and place, have been warriors

passive voice
"was choking out the boys who would have been warriors"


Matching houses line the streets, a ramshackle reminder of a coal industry that’s all but abandoned us. The draw of the mines is still lurking around, still luring in our kith & kin, past the skin of our rolling hills and into the bones of the earth. Clouding their lungs with the black powder that drove our state. The life force of West Virginia’s industrial capability was choking out the boys who would, in another time and place, have been warriors - protecting the women, the children.

The life force of West Virginia’s industrial capability was choking out the boys who would, in another time and place, have been warriors - protecting the women, the children.

i am also not really sold on this idea... i don't know what time period this is to be set in so i am not sure of the expectations of men during the time, but i am sure they could have been pseudo-doing something more worth while/evocative.

[Tarabyte]

i do not know enough about coal energy, but it is actually powdered coal that they use to run the plants that create the energy? or is it shipped in chunks? also the use of "state" is confusing here since it could be construed as physical state.



passive voice
"was choking out the boys who would have been warriors"


Matching houses line the streets, a ramshackle reminder of a coal industry that’s all but abandoned us. The draw of the mines is still lurking around, still luring in our kith & kin, past the skin of our rolling hills and into the bones of the earth. Clouding their lungs with the black powder that drove our state. The life force of West Virginia’s industrial capability was choking out the boys who would, in another time and place, have been warriors - protecting the women, the children.



i am also not really sold on this idea... i don't know what time period this is to be set in so i am not sure of the expectations of men during the time, but i am sure they could have been pseudo-doing something more worth while/evocative.

Yes, it's sold in chunks. The black powder, however, is what causes black lung. I'll change that to clarify, though. Thank you.

Also, it's set in pre-union coal mining towns. Even today, in those parts of the state, it's expected for the men to defend the women & children, though. It's still a very strong tradition in the southern portion of West Virginia. I'm actually quite happy with this description, & I think my intended audience will understand, since it is for a local publication.

I wish there were an actual good media example of the more "hillbilly" parts of the state. I really don't think it's like anywhere else in the world. However, the image of West Virginia everyone seems to have (when they even know West Virginia is a separate state from Virginia), is derived from movies like "Silent Hill", "Wrong Turn", & (god forbid) "The Wild & Wonderful Whites of West Virginia".


Thanks, everyone. You were all a lot of help. I spent most of the day talking to coal miners' widows today, so I'm working on my second draft now. I might post it when I'm finished.

[eatsrainbows]

positive: I can really visualize the environment
negative: Some of the sentences are a bit too long