I think my issue here is I'm an adamant pessimist and I think too much. For more than a month now I've been knee deep in depression just constantly thinking about the past. Which includes (in the most vague way of speaking) deaths of loved ones, regretting my naivety which caused certain things to happen, and cursing my parents for their indifference, insensitivity, and stupidity which also caused certain things to happen. I don't ever want to use the words "depression" lightly and I don't want to be one of those sympathy-seeking-self-diagnosing asses, but I have lost my appetite, cried every night, lost interest in everything, and it pains me to attempt even the most normal tasks.
Although I truly, truly can't wait until we are all dead and forgotten, I wouldn't dare commit suicide at this point in my life because I don't know what my family would do with my six dogs. The thought of them getting new homes or being sent to a shelter all innocent and confused pains me more than anything else. I also have two siblings. I don't trust my parents enough to provide them the necessary tools for life so I feel obligated to remain just for them. My mom's the type to thunk a kid in the head multiple times for not being able to get a homework problem fast enough and the type to shove her child at the door angrily and call them stupid for not moving fast enough. Sometimes I just have to step in since my little brother is very sensitive and insecure. But at the same time it's so incredibly frustrating just existing. Whenever I laugh at something funny or something makes me smile, I immediately retract and feel guilty about it because I feel with all honesty that I don't deserve it.
I don't want any sympathies here, just a place to speak. Sympathies make me recoil and I feel that any sympathies stated through the internet of someone I have no attachment or emotional connection to would just be empty, meaningless, and useless.
On the other hand, I wouldn't call someone who wishes to remain alive selfish.
I didn't mean that. I meant the people who don't want someone they know who is clinically depressed to commit suicide.
I also agree it's quite fascinating to think that although a star ten thousand times bigger than our sun and a thousand times older than our solar system make us pale into insignificance, the star itself will never know it's a star.
As for the multiverse theory, I just found it interesting and wish fulfilling. Like perhaps there is a different version of my life that did not have to go through the things I am wallowing over now. Even when I wasn't in this state of mind, it blew my mind of its possibility and creeps me out thinking of it as if it were true. Again, I think too much.
@DonValentino My cramps have completely subsided now. Rejoice.
I usually have the mindset you guys are speaking of. (Not giving a fuck and just enjoying life since this is most likely all we have) But I just do not feel that way at the moment.
On the other hand, it's my life, right? If I don't think it's worth living I think it's my right to excuse myself. The problem is that most (if not all) of the people who commit suicide have some form of depression, which really inhibits your ability to see things clearly. I know after I woke up that I was disappointed that I had failed, but that doesn't mean life isn't worth living, just that I have some issues that I need to deal with.
Italicized is exactly how I feel. The rest is how I know I should think but I can't bring myself to agree and it feels like this would never end.