17 replies to this topic

[SN54]

It's a regular class at a university. Forum

type, 300 to 400 students. The teacher is

notoriously nasty with people who are tardy and he

has a policy that when he says, "STOP," you stop

taking your exam. Well one day he yells STOP!

All the students stop and turn their tests in,

except for one student. So the teacher thinks,

"OK, I'll let him keep going to waste his time."


So five minutes pass and the late student walks up

and tries to turn in his paper. But the professor

says: Sorry I can't take your paper

Student: Why not?

Professor: Because you're late.

Student: (angrily) Do you know who I am?

Professor: (looks at the student) No.

Student: (Raises his voice) Do you know who the

**** I AM?

Professor: (acting nonchalantly) No

So the student grabs the stacks of tests, shoves

his tests in the middle of the pile and walks off.

[blahblah35]

I am slightly amused

[stellanox]

how is that funny

[Sweeney]

Old, but classic.

[talbs]

lawl

[luvsmyncis]

haha I was expecting to come in here and be snide about how unfunny your joke was, but I actually enjoyed it. *thumbs up*

[SN54]

how is that funny

Well first it seems as if the student is angry that the professor won't accept his paper because the student is "famous" and that the professor should therefore accept his paper. At the end though, the student puts his paper in the middle of the stack, and since the professor doesn't know who he is, then the professor wouldn't know whose paper was the late one!

haha I was expecting to come in here and be snide about how unfunny your joke was, but I actually enjoyed it. *thumbs up*

How very nice of you


Are sexual jokes allowed on this forum?

Edited by SN54, 04 August 2010 - 04:09 PM.

[Georgina]

hell yeh. sex me up

[Scot]

[SN54]

hell yeh. sex me up

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that?... Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! ...That bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand ....."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OatZHB71UI

Damn it just wasn't as funny on video













All these jokes are being reposted from a repost, I do not claim credit for any of them

[Georgina]

lol nice

hadnt heard that1 before!! which is rare, i heard alot of jokes.

[SN54]

Another one I found kinda funny...sorry if double posting isn't allowed

Edit - Ha! No double posting for me! ^

George W. Bush, the American President, meets with the Queen of England, Elizabeth II.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.
Finally, he goes over to Colin Powell's room and asked: "Colin! Can you answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell smiles comfortably and said, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say,
I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney , and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Edited by SN54, 04 August 2010 - 04:18 PM.

[stellanox]

Another one I found kinda funny...sorry if double posting isn't allowed

Edit - Ha! No double posting for me! ^

George W. Bush, the American President, meets with the Queen of England, Elizabeth II.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.
Finally, he goes over to Colin Powell's room and asked: "Colin! Can you answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell smiles comfortably and said, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say,
I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney , and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

I actually lol'd at that

[Code]

LOL

I didn't get it when reading it, I got it when i watched the video o-o

[bexxy]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.

Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.

'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

[Melchoire]

Took me a second but that is hilarious.

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that?... Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! ...That bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand ....."

Genius, keep em coming

[bexxy]

A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

[alphadark]

the first one was awesome too bad the student didnt realize that the teacher can just look at year book