Ending a Friendship Due to Necessity

I have a problem close to yours. But it's my cousin.

He's the most negative person I know, and we live close since we are babies (he's 17 days younger), so we are always together.

Don't feel bad for feeling relieved, it's not your fault that he can be a bad company. He has to learn that people like him often end up alone, so maybe he turns into a better person.

Awww, Bog.

I was recently in that position myself. I had to break it off with one of my oldest friends recently because he had recently gone into the army, and he had changed. He hadn't been deployed - he was still in training, being under 18 - but that doesn't really matter.

The point is that this was the guy that was one of my very few friends from Years 5-7, and was pretty much the only person that really liked me for who I am. We initially bonded through Pokemon, of all things.

But I had to break all of that up because he had come back crude and unpleasant. I mean, still really nice and all - I saw him on the street and he spontaneously took me into a cafe and paid for a couple of glasses of water and a bacon and sausage sandwich for me just so we could catch up. I know that sounds quite contradictory, but I just felt that I couldn't be friends with him any more.

I felt bad for doing that too. But, if you don't like a person, you can't be friends with them. You will feel bad about it, but that'll pass. You've just got to be selfish on occasion and do it for yourself.

After all, you've just written numerous times that this is something that needed to happen. It's for the best.

During my first semester of college I met someone who I connected with immediately. It seemed that we shared similar views/experiences and we became really close. After about two months, I realized that he was really troubled. He would have extreme mood swings and became really unpleasant to be around. He began to show a really negative outlook and constantly criticized himself and others (including me).

At the time I was recovering from depression and I just couldn't handle another person's emotional problems on my plate. Being around him went from being fun to extremely stressful and uncomfortable. Since we had relied on each other during the transition to college and hung out all the time, I really had no idea what to do. He was a huge negative influence but at the same time I felt like I couldn't just "abandon" him in the midst of his emotional problems. 

It got so bad that our friendship ended in a huge and very hurtful fight. In hindsight, it would have been better to walk away much sooner. Healthy relationships should never be damaging or stressful. Your mental wellbeing comes first before anyone else, and that's just the mean truth. You shouldn't expect yourself/be expected to handle someone else's emotional problems unless you're a therapist and you're getting paid for it, especially if they're not reciprocating. 

tl;dr You did the right thing. Don't feel guilty for doing what's best for yourself. "Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher." 

I had a friend like this. We were pretty close for a few years, and then he turned into the self centered jerk you described. Every conversation had to be about how simply horrible his life was, or he had to be one upping everyone else's problems with his own. It got to a point where I could either listen to him rant constantly about his miserable life in every conversation, or I could just disappear.

I didn't actively break off the friendship, I didn't tell him that I couldn't be friends anymore. I just stopped contacting him, and when he'd contact me, I wouldn't be very responsive. Finally he got tired of me not being a willing participant in his manmade life drama, and stopped contacting me altogether.

It was basically an unspoken agreement that we were no longer close friends. When we run into each other, we act as acquaintances now, and are civil to each other.

I prefer the "drift apart" method because I'm too soft to actually outright say to a friend that we're done. I felt very relieved after I didn't have to listen to him anymore, his negativity was affecting me and making me feel a bit miserable after each conversation. I had to quit trying to help him, because nothing I could say was helping him. Getting rid of him was the best thing I did for myself. His life, his problems, not mine. He needed to sort that out rather than dragging me down with him.

I made the right decision to take care of my own mental health, and I am happier for it. You've made the right decision too. You feel guilt because you're a nice person, but once it clears, you will never regret this decision to take care of yourself.

My ex was in that same exact mindset. He saw nothing good in life and always complained about how everything around him sucked. It just got far to overwhelming and annoying for me to deal with. I did not need to hear someone complaining every second about how everything sucked and how life was just so horrible. (Sadly, he does the exact same thing in class, but at least I don't have to hear it outside of class now)

I'm a ton happier after I ended it, and you've done the right thing. You need to take care of yourself first, before you can take care of another person.

" Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren't inherently bad people, but they aren't the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can't destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, love a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful - you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself." - Daniel Koepke

I remind myself of that quote a lot, especially because I have removed a lot of toxic people from my life. I've also gotten a lot of back lash from people for doing so. At the end of the day, you become like those you associate with. Therefore it is for your own health to only keep the people you want to like around you. Sometimes we don't get a choice in who we have in our lives but when you do get to choose we have to make good choices. 

Never apologize for trying to better your life, only apologize when you're malicious or rude about it. Hopefully this makes sense. Best of luck in moving forward and with your exciting career path ahead!

I love this post, and hell yes, people like this are a HUGE drain. Good for you for resolving the unpleasantness, and there's no need at all to look back on a situation like this.

Thanks for all the stories and words. I'm still feeling horrible about this entire situation; knowing that someone I care about hurting because of something I did. But I have nothing left to offer him at this point in my life

*hugs darling Boggy*

Yes, I just did this last fall, in fact! (It took me reading a few of the comments to remember who it was and when it happened, but the ole mind finally ground into gear.

I met a gal through a Google+ group who was studying to be a pharmacy tech at the same time as me, but we'd never met because she was doing it at one of the career schools in the area and I'd found a school that did a correspondence course. We met in person and talked online quite a bit for a few days, but I had to end it shortly after we met because she was just too much. I honestly felt like my head was going to explode--and that was just doing my homework and living my life...I didn't get another job until after we'd met and broken off!

Plus, I just broke up with my best friend a couple of months ago after I learned that she was hiding Something Very Important from me for five years. That hurt like hell, because she was my mother figure, my sister, my best friend. I just cried and cried. Ended up having to dig into my "emergency bottle" of anti-anxiety meds, because big upsets like that give me panic attacks.

Let's not even talk about my mom. You know the phrase "I love her, but I don't like her?" That's exactly how I feel about my mother. I've been in touch with her more than usual recently, but the vast majority of the time, I ignore her existence. It's just better for my mental health.

Yes. I had a friend who was also very negative and would always create drama and problems where none existed. I realised that this negative energy was spilling over into my life- so I x'ed her. I didn't kill the friendship completely, I only distanced myself to the point where I wasn't being dragged into her drama or constantly exposed to her negativity.  She isn't a bad person and we are still friends, but friends at a distance. My life has no drama now and it is great.

It is one of the best feelings to remove toxic people from my life.

Yes. I had a friend who was also very negative and would always create drama and problems where none existed. I realised that this negative energy was spilling over into my life- so I x'ed her. I didn't kill the friendship completely, I only distanced myself to the point where I wasn't being dragged into her drama or constantly exposed to her negativity.  She isn't a bad person and we are still friends, but friends at a distance. My life has no drama now and it is great.

 

It is one of the best feelings to remove toxic people from my life.

I feel like you do it just for fun <3 jk

When I was reading this, I felt like you were describing the same exact person that I used to be friends with haha She was so negative and unhappy and she just dragged everyone down with her. My mom noticed that she was making me a depressed and unpleasant person. She was also the type of person that moved on quickly from friends so when she moved on from me, I was SO RELIEVED. It sucked because she was my best friend and whatever but god, I needed her gone out of my life. 

It's not good to have people who are constantly negative around. 

I always keep people because I am both a mother hen and a martyr. The more negative they are, the more I feel compelled to look after them.