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A small relationship rant, I suppose

Posted by Lucy, 21 May 2017 · 330 views
personal, relationship

(Was originally going to post this in the bad thing that happened to you today thread but then it got super long and I haven't been putting anything into my blog lately. So here we are.)

 

Not a bad day per se, just a bad weekend. My boyfriend and I both have exams tomorrow and the next few weeks, and we're both very stressed. Plus I have 0 self confidence atm because I lost so much weight from having pneumonia and basically my ass deflated. It's a Dutch pancake. Sad. Anyway, people have been telling me even more often to eat more, that I need to gain more weight etc. GUESS WHAT. I know, cheers. Thanks for telling me almost everyday, every single week. Ain't that easy for me, y'all. And then my boyfriend said on Saturday morning during breakfast "Your ass is kinda flat, eat more." And I kind of got a bit pissed at him, because like I said, 0 self confidence and people having told me that several times already. He never ever compliments my physical attributes, so that just rubbed the wrong way. I know that what he said was more him being concerned and trying to push me to be more active physically, but naaaah. And ever since then I feel like he's either trying to provoke me and/or I'm still very very sensitive. Annnd this morning I asked him if it was okay if I left a hairbrush at his place (out of courtesy, I knew he'd say yes but I always need to be polite about shit like that...) and he didn't answer my question and mocked me. Well fuck me for wanting to be polite????? Then I got kinda moody and he noticed when we were on the tram, I explained him why and of course he didn't understand. We both revised at different locations, and we decided to meet up for lunch. He was waiting for me infront of a shop, and on the way there I decided to apologize for my moodiness that morning. Turned out he arrived a few minutes prior to our agreed time and bla bla, I told him he should have told me as he needn't have waited because I was only a 1 minute walk away. he said something along the lines of "Naaah, it was okay, it gave me the chance to look at the women" and that just rubbed me the wrong way again because he knows that I haaaate when he mentions other women in a checking out kind of way infront of me. Something he'd done a few days earlier and I reminded him that I personally find that disrespectful, especially because I have asked him in the past to not make such comments. Was still feeling a bit meeh from that. But then I had a little think about what he'd said and my first thought was that he'd been trying to provoke me. Orrr he was just making a joke. Thing is, I can hardly ever tell if he's joking or not. So I asked him and he said he had indeed been joking. The mood was a bit lighter but I still felt very distant from him and we didn't talk much. I did most of the talking but he didn't seem awfully interested in keeping a conversation going. And then we both went back to our respective study locations and that's that.

 

Also I do realize that I'm very problematic (low self confidence, sensitive af...) but meh. I hope this is a one time thing due to both of us being stressed. I understand why he might have not been interested in talking to me any further, not wanting to accidentally say something that I'd be able to misniterprete and be a sensitive little shit. I wish I could explain all this to him without him telling me that I'm trying to find excuses or telling me it's all my fault for not doing sports. Because according to him, sports is the answer to my eternal social anxiety/shyness, anxiety in general, me being underweight, everything.

 

Right now I just want to tell him that I'm sorry for my part in the last two days, especially since we haven't been able to see each other as much. And he has to prepare for an exam too, so a sensitive girlfriend probably isn't helping with his stress levels. But I'm also super scared anytime I have to talk about my feelings with him, because most of the time it ends with me crying because he just doesn't understand what I'm trying to say and it's my fault anyway. I think we both feel a lot of resentment towards eachother at the moment. Sighhhh.

 

If you've read all this, cheers. I just needed to vent a little. I might call my mum.




I just realized why I like Codex as much as I do

Posted by Lucy, 28 May 2016 · 578 views
personal, worlds tiniest vi and 1 more...

It's 2:30 am and I am very emotional. Excuse the emotional-ness.

 

Anyway, if someone gains some kind of knowledge they share it with the community. There is no sense of elitism, minimal clique-ness, maximum helpfulness, greatest sense of community.

 


10/10, would register again.




Goals/to do

Posted by Lucy, 17 May 2016 · 163 views
personal

I like looking at my old goal posts. They hold a ball so perfectly. Plus I love reading people's personal shit, so here's my steaming pile of what-have-you.

 

Current goals, today is the 17th of May, 2016, the weather is shit and my hair is silky. The new Lush shampoo I got has been good so far.

 

Finish this semester successfully. I don't care how you do it, but you gotta.
Finish school/get my diploma.
Save some money up for travels after school is done. Curent money saved: 520
Decide on what to study. Current selection: Archaeology or psychology.
Get a ball python.
Figure out how to keep ball python safe from housing people.
Figure out what to do with Tinderdude. Feelings or nah? "Only" a sexual relationship is no longer possible.
Make dinner rn.
Work out more. Get that booty booted up.
Save up 100mil T on FR, just because.
Get back into Neopets.
Don't spend money on NC or FR gems.
Be more active on Codex.
Work on that resting bitch face.
Get a fecking diagnosis.

 

Oh, I wonder where my path will take me. Hopefully to infinity and beyond.




Hoe things/incoherent mess

Posted by Lucy, 16 May 2016 · 236 views

Note: I use the term hoe in a postivie light. To me, a hoe is a person who is proud and comfortable with their own sexuality and doesn't feel the need to hide it. And that is what I strive to be.

 

I have no idea where I'm going with this. I should probably preface with the fact that I'm generally a shy person around strangers. Especially in groups, I just go under. But once it's one on one I turn into a small talk genius.
Anyway, I used to be a wallflower, glasses, braces, shit haircut, ya feel me? Wasn't able to talk to people who weren't family/friends.
Plus having a chronic case of resting bitch face doesn't make you seem approachable so people are always reserved around you before they get to know you.

 

Guess who's shit at being coherent? Not me. But if you're reading this and have always admired those guys and gals who always seemed so comfortable in their skin and with their sexuality, here's some small things you could do (aka things I did) to eventually get there.

 

This is all written from my point of view, the heterosexual female one.

 

1. First of all, get rid of the thought that having lots of sex is a bad thing. Unprotected yes, if you use condoms and birth control GO OUT THERE AND GET EM. Hoes with an STD don't get to do that, mkay. Anecdotal evidence: My amigo from Sweden who is the biggest manwhore ever and basically beds his entire village without a condom got chlamydia. There. Chlamydia ain't nice, and there's even worse things out there.
2. Love yourself by
3. Caring for yourself by
4. RUBBING COCONUT OIL ALL OVER YOUR BODY except maybe your face because coconut oil clogs facial pores in most people like there's no tomorrow. But get that virgin unrefined cold pressed coconut oil, it smells heavenly and you can put it onto your morning toast too. Tastes good, is good for your health, not too expensive, has many uses... If you do this everytime after you shower your skin will be so soft and smooth and everybody will want to touch your body. Which brings me onto
5. LOVE YOUR BODY??? No matter what shape you are, love your meatsack! Go stand infront of a mirror with good natural daylight and admire your striking physique from every possible angle. Don't do that in a changing room, everyone looks like shit in that harsh af lighting.
6. Once you feel comfortable with the meatsack hanging off your bones, flaunt your meat. Subtle or not, as long as you feel comfortable (and fuck those creepy stares and wolf whistles) flaunt your yum yum assets. Trust me, any negative response is from people who want to be as self-confident as you and are jealous about you. I used to be that person, I freely admit it. Then I went full hoe mode and haven't looked back since.
7. Do sexual shit. Try everything you want, make mistakes, discover new things BUT ALWAYS USE CONDOMS THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Tinder is great, don't spend too much time texting, only verify that the other party is not a creep trying to kill you, then meet up for a first date and see if there's sexual energy between you. If you feel like it, fuck 'em, literally, on the first date. If you don't, well, you don't fuck 'em. Do whatever you want without guilt, do it fot yourself, not for others.
8. Masturbate more. Good for the brain, good for your overall health and you get to know your physical responses to certain stimuli. If you're worried about trying something new with another person you can always try it out alone in your room.
9. Back to the coconut oil: Works great as lube if you're not using a condom/something with latex. And if you want to make your man happy rub that shit on his nether regions and go to town with whatever orifice you feel like.
10. Pee after intercourse, always.
11. I have so many more things I could write about but I'm afraid that they'd be too sexual.
12.Always voice your opinion. Be direct. If you don't want a dude to kiss you, tell him. If you don't want your girl jamming her finger in your bum, tell her.

 


I think I'll edit this or expand whenever I feel like it. If you've read everything, may I ask how and why?




Minirant

Posted by Lucy, 07 December 2015 · 316 views
rant, personal

Okay so first of all i've gon from typing like this u feel to somewhat correct. That is all. Thank you. It started to irritate me.

 

Uh second of all, this is going to be a rant. Just have to get some things off me heart.

 

So yesterday I got rejected by a guy I had been seeing for roughly 7 months. Seeing as in doing grown up things. This included said grown up things + cuddling + sleeping over and some rare trips to the cinema. Saw some great movies that I'll never be able to rewatch without thinking of him. Well, OF COURSE MY BRAIN has to produce happy hormones. Which eventually translates into love. Had that realization exactly a week ago when I was intoxicated and just thought 'I want to see him now and the thought of him being with someone else than me really hurts?'.
Met up with him at station near where he lives, got in his car and plonked the fact that I had developed feelings for him onto him. Not very long story into very short: He had thought about it, but no feelings for me. Bummer. But deep down I had known because he had never wanted to meet my parents (I still live at home), which is fairly normal where I live, even if you aren't dating. Plus some other things.
I probably fell into my own version of him, seeing as we only saw each other once, maybe twice a month and mainly communicated via text. Plus he has long hair, I really really REALLY dig long hair on dudes.
And now my body is in withdrawal. My chest feels tight, I've got mad anxiety, racing thoughts, sweating, throwing up, craving what I can't have.

 

But at the end of the day, I'll know I'll be fine some time into the future. One day he will be gone from my memory, contrary to now where everything reminds me of him. But I know that day will come because my memory is rubbish. And I'll read through this and not remember writing it.

 

Also having Seasonal Affective Disorder does not help.

 

TLDR: Got rejected and now it hurts. I'll be okay one day.
/messyrant




first entry/about me

Posted by Lucy, 19 October 2015 · 363 views
about me, personal

i'm the worst at describing myself, so i'll be using a handy survey thing, taken directly from tumblr

  • Height: 5'4" or 165cm
  • Shoe Size: 37
  • Sexual Orientation: meshneb
  • Do you Smoke? occasionally
  • Do you Drink? yes
  • Do you Take Drugs? no
  • Age you get mistaken for: 15.....
  • Have Tattoos? nope
  • Want any tattoos: yes, so many. but no money
  • Got any Piercings? no
  • Want any piercings? no
  • Best friend? myself
  • Relationship status: meshneb, not important
  • Biggest turn ons: mmmmmeshneb, too private
  • Biggest turn offs: racism, xenophobia, homophobia
  • Favorite Movie: interstellar
  • I’ll love you if: what kind of question is this
  • Someone you miss: does a person i've never met irl count? then yes
  • Most traumatic experience: reacting badly to drugs and then the following anxiety disorder. or my depression from when i was 14/15
  • A fact about your personality: loves hanging out with people but is too shy to talk
  • What I hate most about myself: laziness
  • What I love most about myself: that i have a lot of interests and am never bored
  • What I want to be when I get older: happy
  • My relationship with my sibling(s): pretty good, kind of rough when the puberty hormones act up
  • My relationship with my parents: the best
  • My idea of a perfect date: i'm suddenly really bored of this survey
  • My biggest pet peeves: when people in a group message do not answer to a message
  • A description of the girl/boy I like: exists
  • A description of the person I dislike the most: does not exist
  • A reason I’ve lied to a friend: why i was too late (eyeliner, every single time)
  • What I hate the most about school: incompetent teachers
  • What my last text message says: the shoe emoji
  • What words upset me the most: 'you're weak'
  • What words make me the best about myself: que
  • A wish that I’ve wished for repeatedly on 11:11: is this a thing?
  • What I find attractive in girls: healthy hair
  • Where I would like to live: where i live now or london
  • One of my insecurities: my ever so slightly crooked nose
  • My childhood career choice: teacher
  • My favorite ice cream: cinnamon
  • Who I wish I could be: a dog or a cat
  • Where I want to be right now: bali
  • The last thing I ate: ham
  • Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately: karl
  • A random fact about anything: the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell







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