18 replies to this topic

[travis]

Last Steptember, I met a girl though a training program at my work. My immediate impression was that she was beautiful, and funny. We started seeing each other in November, and after a few dates, we made it official right before Christmas. It turned out that she was everything I could have possibly asked for out of a partner - funny, beautiful, intelligent, the whole nine yards. I fell into it hard.
My feelings for her started to intensify, and I came to the conclusion that I was falling incredibly in love with this girl. Over the last three months, we went out, we spent plenty of time together, we enjoyed each other's company to the fullest extent without a hitch. No arguments. No disagreements. No jealousy. It was perfect, and I began to imagine a future with her. Professing my true feelings. Living together. Standard fantasy items one goes through when such intense feelings are had.
Yesterday, we had dinner with her family. She dropped me off at home, we kissed, everything was absolutely normal. We talked via text for most of the day, and nothing was wrong. The usual silly conversation and laughter. We stopped texting around 5.
Around 9, she asks me to come outside. I wasn't expecting her, so I greeted her with a warm smile and remarked "This is a pleasant surprise!".
"Probably not so much."
"Why?"
"I don't think we should see each other anymore."
"...what? why?"
"I'm not ready for a relationship."
That breakup line is usually complete bullshit, but I know enough about her to understand it's a legitimate thing. She has been through a lot of emotionally damaging situations with an ex in the last year, and I understand her hesitance to commit as seriously as we were heading.
We parted with a long hug, and a last kiss.
"Thank you for being such a good boyfriend. I'm sorry I'm a bad girlfriend."
"...you're not -"
"yes I am."
And that was that. At this point I'm completely wrecked. I feel like I'm lost at sea and my compass just went overboard. Her presence helped me get though a rough patch with my sanity intact. She anchored me. Drove me, and inspired me to be the best person that I possibly can be. Her transcendence through my life has absolutely changed the way I handle and present myself for the better.
I need to be up for my first day at a new job in four short hours, and sleep is nowhere near my grasp.
I have no bad feelings about her. It didn't go down in flames, it wasn't a train wreck. It was as gentle as possible. But I'm so lost.
An edit. Three hours and counting, and my mind is full of thoughts, nowhere near the horizon of sleep. I feel like she broke it off for my own benefit. As if she doesn't want me to be stuck in a place where im ready to move forward and she isn't. As if she doesn't want me to be held back. But that is only a hopeful feeling. I pray to a god that I don't believe in that this is the case. That I can quell her fears of holding me back and let her know that I would wait an eternity in that limbo-esque place of blocked progression for her, because I cannot fathom anyone more well suited to be my partner. I pray that, if none of that be true or the case, she will at least provide me the opportunity to meet with her one last time in person to converse. I fear that I cannot easily progress past this beautiful yet sorrowful chapter in my life without at least closure, defining the events that led to this rapid change.

[trizzle]

Travis I'm really sorry to hear that. It's obvious you had really deep, genuine feelings for this girl and it's horrible that you two weren't in the same place emotionally and that she wasn't ready for the commitment of a serious relationship.

This is still very fresh and painful to you. Clichéd as it is, time does change things, and feelings and people. Perhaps in a week or two you won't feel so lost, once it's had time to sink in.

I hope that she changes her mind, or that you find someone else out there as suited to you as she is.

[artificial]

I don't know what you expect to hear from any of us other than the generic "keep your head up" or "there's plenty of fish in the sea" messages. If you really do need to vent perhaps you should consider writing a diary? Anything to prevent another scenario where I have to read through your whacky emotional problems.

Personally I think you should just man up, go after her, and if that fails than just get back on the horse. Crying about it isn't going to yield any positive results.

[Irradium]

I don't know what you expect to hear from any of us other than the generic "keep your head up" or "there's plenty of fish in the sea" messages. If you really do need to vent perhaps you should consider writing a diary? Anything to prevent another scenario where I have to read through your whacky emotional problems.

Personally I think you should just man up, go after her, and if that fails than just get back on the horse. Crying about it isn't going to yield any positive results.

Fair point, with which I almost completely agree with - although you can just stay friends for a while, then (as 'silly' as it sounds), just talk to her about it.
If what you say is true, she should be smart enough to weigh up the situation, provided you put up a good argument, and work towards a healthy relationship.

God, do I feel weird after saying that.

[luvsmyncis]

Her presence helped me get though a rough patch with my sanity intact. She anchored me. Drove me, and inspired me to be the best person that I possibly can be. Her transcendence through my life has absolutely changed the way I handle and present myself for the better.

Yikes. That's way to much to put on another person. No matter how amazing she is, she's a person and has flaws and complications. Perhaps it's the right thing for now. On the bright side, because of the gentle way you two handled it, the aspect of just a friendship doesn't seem off the table. I know you've been through some hard times lately, and maybe she's gone through something in the past that is making her pump the breaks on quick pace of this romance.

You are going to get advice from guys who will tell you, "EH, FUCK HER. That dumb bitch made her choice." But sometimes a girl just needs a little space, because being in love makes her feel out of control. Maybe your girl just needs to get a grip on herself before she can face you again.

Best of luck.

[kuwaz]

Last Steptember, I met a girl though a training program at my work. My immediate impression was that she was beautiful, and funny. We started seeing each other in November, and after a few dates, we made it official right before Christmas. It turned out that she was everything I could have possibly asked for out of a partner - funny, beautiful, intelligent, the whole nine yards. I fell into it hard.
My feelings for her started to intensify, and I came to the conclusion that I was falling incredibly in love with this girl. Over the last three months, we went out, we spent plenty of time together, we enjoyed each other's company to the fullest extent without a hitch. No arguments. No disagreements. No jealousy. It was perfect, and I began to imagine a future with her. Professing my true feelings. Living together. Standard fantasy items one goes through when such intense feelings are had.
Yesterday, we had dinner with her family. She dropped me off at home, we kissed, everything was absolutely normal. We talked via text for most of the day, and nothing was wrong. The usual silly conversation and laughter. We stopped texting around 5.
Around 9, she asks me to come outside. I wasn't expecting her, so I greeted her with a warm smile and remarked "This is a pleasant surprise!".
"Probably not so much."
"Why?"
"I don't think we should see each other anymore."
"...what? why?"
"I'm not ready for a relationship."
That breakup line is usually complete bullshit, but I know enough about her to understand it's a legitimate thing. She has been through a lot of emotionally damaging situations with an ex in the last year, and I understand her hesitance to commit as seriously as we were heading.
We parted with a long hug, and a last kiss.
"Thank you for being such a good boyfriend. I'm sorry I'm a bad girlfriend."
"...you're not -"
"yes I am."
And that was that. At this point I'm completely wrecked. I feel like I'm lost at sea and my compass just went overboard. Her presence helped me get though a rough patch with my sanity intact. She anchored me. Drove me, and inspired me to be the best person that I possibly can be. Her transcendence through my life has absolutely changed the way I handle and present myself for the better.
I need to be up for my first day at a new job in four short hours, and sleep is nowhere near my grasp.
I have no bad feelings about her. It didn't go down in flames, it wasn't a train wreck. It was as gentle as possible. But I'm so lost.
An edit. Three hours and counting, and my mind is full of thoughts, nowhere near the horizon of sleep. I feel like she broke it off for my own benefit. As if she doesn't want me to be stuck in a place where im ready to move forward and she isn't. As if she doesn't want me to be held back. But that is only a hopeful feeling. I pray to a god that I don't believe in that this is the case. That I can quell her fears of holding me back and let her know that I would wait an eternity in that limbo-esque place of blocked progression for her, because I cannot fathom anyone more well suited to be my partner. I pray that, if none of that be true or the case, she will at least provide me the opportunity to meet with her one last time in person to converse. I fear that I cannot easily progress past this beautiful yet sorrowful chapter in my life without at least closure, defining the events that led to this rapid change.

On a side note, you changed your username lol.

[travis]

I haven't changed my username in over a year.

[Boggart]

Wow Travis, that's bull. Sure, maybe the girl needs some space or time, but that's not fair to you to not know what's going on, hence all the thoughts reeling in your head. I remember when I was dumped-ish, again gently done, but I just thought "...but why? What was wrong? Did I do something wrong? Do you feel we're incompatible? Are you not ready to be in a relationship? Or in a relationship with me?". To this day, I still don't know and it honestly still bugs me since they're still in my life-ish.

I know she might need her space, and chasing after her probably isn't a good idea as many have mentioned. But I'm not sure if it's at all possible to talk about it. Not to convince her to get back together, but to get some real closure. I still don't have closure and this was over a year ago. I have no feelings for them whatsoever, but it still bugs me to this day (and clearly your feelings for her were WAY deeper than what I had). Maybe you're not one of those people who will mull over the unknown, but yeah.

Either way, I hope you get through this without too much pain. I hope she realizes what she's missing and realize you were good to her, and I hope everything works out for you.

[Ladida]

Give her space. The rapid rate at which this was going might have/probably did freak her out. Also, just from observation, guys tend to overlook/ignore/not even see warning signs that the girl's been giving. Think back and see if she ever seemed uncertain or unsure of the relationship. It just seems incredibly weird that there weren't any signs, I mean she probably gave this a lot of thought. It doesn't seem as though she doesn't love you, but it seems more like things were going to fast and frightened her off. I hope things get better for you, with her or without. I agree with PRBM, never put so much of your happiness/life in someone else's hands. You need to be in control of that, because things like this happen.

[kuwaz]

I haven't changed my username in over a year.

Yes, I haven't been around for a year

[Frizzle]

Get drunk
Fuck bitches
Cry
Fap

Repeat until over her

[travis]

I don't know what you expect to hear from any of us other than the generic "keep your head up" or "there's plenty of fish in the sea" messages. If you really do need to vent perhaps you should consider writing a diary? Anything to prevent another scenario where I have to read through your whacky emotional problems.

A diary. Yeah, that'd be fucking fantastic if I wanted to vent to myself. That's not quite productive now is it? Nobody made you read this.

Fair point, with which I almost completely agree with - although you can just stay friends for a while, then (as 'silly' as it sounds), just talk to her about it.
If what you say is true, she should be smart enough to weigh up the situation, provided you put up a good argument, and work towards a healthy relationship.

God, do I feel weird after saying that.

I expressed my interest in keeping in touch and staying friends. She was receptive to that. And it doesn't sound silly at all.

Actually, going after her right now is probably not the best of things. She obviously wants to be left alone at the moment, and I would do just that. As someone who has pushed too hard too quickly, as much as it hurts, give her some space for a week or two and let her try and work a few things out before you try and meet her again.

I decided that I'm not going to push it at all in the near future. I'll do my own thing and give her a few months to deal with her own demons.

Yikes. That's way to much to put on another person.

I never expressed any of this to her, outwardly. I kept it to myself because I knew she wouldn't be ready for something like that. I never expressed to her that I love her. She's smart and caught on.

Get drunk
Fuck bitches
Cry
Fap

Repeat until over her

>Get drunk
>fuck bitches

[Noitidart]

Last Steptember, I met a girl

I came in wanting to help so bad. I started reading and that's where I stopped.

Be a man.

[Frizzle]

HAHAHA coming from noit, that's the funniest shit ever

[Noitidart]

But if he met a man, you'd be offering him relationship advice, amirite?

Show some tact my friend. Not everyone is afraid of cooties

Hahaha!! Heck yea! Well I would have at least read on.

HAHAHA coming from noit, that's the funniest shit ever

I love to see you happy +rep even though still negative. I love you man!

[travis]

I came in wanting to help so bad. I started reading and that's where I stopped.

Be a man.

The only reason I laughed at this is because it came from you.

[EveMazing]

I kinda get where she is coming from with the whole not wanting to be in a relationship after a break up but if you want my opinion I think she was irresponsible. I was in her position last year when my girlfriend of six months broke up with me out of the blue and I was destroyed about it and didn't want to be in a relationship. I started seeing other people and had to tell them that I couldn't commit to them, I was always honest from the beginning. What she did to you wasn't fair, she should have had her feelings about that out in the open instead of leading you on for so long.
I feel like I'm heading down the same road with my new girlfriend. It's kind of a hard change going from one relationship I was in with a 24 year old woman who knew where she was headed in life to now a relationship with a 16 year old girl who still has her head in the clouds and doesn't know what she wants. But with my girlfriend now, she's starting to express her feelings that she thinks she jumped into our relationship too quickly after her ex but now it's too late, all we can do is work through it. The way I see it is she should have thought about that before she persued me and made me fall for her. That's also what your girlfriend should have done. It's no one's right to be irresponsible with someone else's feelings. It's good that she was honest with you finally at least before it got any worse. My advice would be to relax and just let her know that you're there for her if she needs you but don't completely devote yourself to her. You need to also be open to other things. Because maybe something better will come along and if you're too caught up in hoping for her, you'll miss the opporunity. It's like the saying goes, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back then it's yours. If it doesn't then it never was."

[verse]

And that was that. At this point I'm completely wrecked. I feel like I'm lost at sea and my compass just went overboard.

An edit. Three hours and counting, and my mind is full of thoughts, nowhere near the horizon of sleep. I feel like she broke it off for my own benefit. As if she doesn't want me to be stuck in a place where im ready to move forward and she isn't. As if she doesn't want me to be held back. But that is only a hopeful feeling. I pray to a god that I don't believe in that this is the case. That I can quell her fears of holding me back and let her know that I would wait an eternity in that limbo-esque place of blocked progression for her, because I cannot fathom anyone more well suited to be my partner. I pray that, if none of that be true or the case, she will at least provide me the opportunity to meet with her one last time in person to converse. I fear that I cannot easily progress past this beautiful yet sorrowful chapter in my life without at least closure, defining the events that led to this rapid change.

I haven't read the rest of the responses, but I'm putting this here because trust me, I've felt the same way.

You need to initiate and keep contract with yourself "No Contact."

I have the same tendency as you to be emotional, and there's nothing to be ashamed about it. The fact is, she broke up with you. You two are no longer a couple. Thinking about how or why this is will not help your emotional state right now, only worsen it. You need to remove everything that reminds you of her out of your living space.

No creeping on fb, no reading her blog/whatever. You need to remove every trace of her from your life until you've had time to process your feelings.

[travis]

I haven't read the rest of the responses, but I'm putting this here because trust me, I've felt the same way.

You need to initiate and keep contract with yourself "No Contact."

I have the same tendency as you to be emotional, and there's nothing to be ashamed about it. The fact is, she broke up with you. You two are no longer a couple. Thinking about how or why this is will not help your emotional state right now, only worsen it. You need to remove everything that reminds you of her out of your living space.

No creeping on fb, no reading her blog/whatever. You need to remove every trace of her from your life until you've had time to process your feelings.

I haven't talked to her in a week. It has taken every ounce of willpower I've got, and then some, but I'm doing okay.

I wish I could remove everything that reminds me of her from my life, but simply carrying on with my day to day life reminds me of her. Places I go, places I pass by, roads that I take...to get places I need to go.

I'm trying, though.
I've never been good when left alone, even when I have no turmoil in my life. I tend to get generally sad. With this going on, that effect is amplified massively. Between work, drinking, and dating someone else, it's been enough to keep me right at the edge of the hole that's left behind. It's all I can do to prevent myself from falling in.