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Have you ever been Gaslighted?


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#1 Rogue

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Posted 13 May 2016 - 08:10 PM

From wikipedia:

"Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim."

 
In shot, Gaslighting is the attempt of one person to overwrite another person’s reality.
 
How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs:
 
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
 
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
 
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
 
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
 
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
 
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
 
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
 
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
 
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
 
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
 
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
 
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
 
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
 
14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
 
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
 
 
 
Now I want to know about you. Have you even been gaslighted? Share with us.

 


On my last relationship I was constantly told that I was too "undesirable" for anyone else, so I should stay or I would end up alone. Like, my ex boyfriend knew I was insecure about my skin because I used to have a lot of acne, so he would ALWAYS comment about beautiful skins, like "Look at that boy, he's so handsome, his skin is so smooth, he is a keeper".
 
Then, when I got mad he would be like "Relax, you're too paranoid, I'm here with you anyway, aren't I?"


#2 Padme

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Posted 13 May 2016 - 08:35 PM

Yup, 100% this has happened to me.

 

I was told by someone that I never said/did something.

Then when I went back through my texts months later.... I had. 

I reloaded my phone with a previous backup and those were the texts that loaded up when I restored.

 

I really knew they weren't right but I didn't want to push that I knew I was right.

So I submitted to their reality of the 'story.'

 

Never again.

This person constantly told me I had an amazing memory and they had a shit one.

Once they were mad at me they wanted to deny and go back on that.

 

I confronted them with said reality and they went 'oh well that's not the point' and tried to downplay that massive deal they had of it in the first place.



#3 Mishelle

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Posted 13 May 2016 - 08:44 PM

Yeah when i was supposed to go on a cruise with Aurora she told me there was a drinks package on the ship and that it was $50. It turns out it wasn't $50 it was $50 a day which ended up totaling to $170. I told her there was no way I'm paying $170 to drink on a trip to fucking Mexico of all places and she totally flipped out on me. She tried to tell me that she told me that it cost that much when she didn't because I know if she did I would've backed out then and there. She then proceeded to argue with me about it for 2 days and attempted to guilt trip me over it until I backed out of the trip entirely.


Edited by Mishelle, 13 May 2016 - 08:45 PM.


#4 Kate

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Posted 14 May 2016 - 05:27 AM

Unfortunately this happens to me a lot. He will say something and then when I say "you said blah blah blah" he's like "no I didn't." And will argue that he didn't until I feel crazy for hearing/remembering it. He also reverses it by telling me I said things I don't recall saying and then blames my ADHD saying I must have not been paying attention or that I forgot.

I didn't even realize this was considered a form of abuse lol I'll say I really don't think he is abusive, but he definitely does this haha so does my Mother now that I think about it.

#5 Coops

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Posted 14 May 2016 - 05:37 AM

Unfortunately this happens to me a lot. He will say something and then when I say "you said blah blah blah" he's like "no I didn't." And will argue that he didn't until I feel crazy for hearing/remembering it. He also reverses it by telling me I said things I don't recall saying and then blames my ADHD saying I must have not been paying attention or that I forgot.

I didn't even realize this was considered a form of abuse lol I'll say I really don't think he is abusive, but he definitely does this haha so does my Mother now that I think about it.

I'd say if you don't think he is abusive, at the very least, gaslighting you is unhealthy for your relationship. But it doesn't always = abuse. Some people gaslight without realizing it. But long-term, it can be really damaging, or if the person has the intent of doing it and actively knows what they are doing it's more abusive.



#6 Kate

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Posted 14 May 2016 - 05:39 AM

I'd say if you don't think he is abusive, at the very least, gaslighting you is unhealthy for your relationship. But it doesn't always = abuse. Some people gaslight without realizing it. But long-term, it can be really damaging, or if the person has the intent of doing it and actively knows what they are doing it's more abusive.


Yeah I really don't think he knows he is doing it, I've always just figured it's more his pride/know it all personality refusing to admit when he is wrong lol

#7 Coops

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Posted 14 May 2016 - 05:45 AM

Yeah I really don't think he knows he is doing it, I've always just figured it's more his pride/know it all personality refusing to admit when he is wrong lol

Yeah. That makes sense. I think most people don't realize it. I gaslighted my husband a few times, before I realized what it was that I was doing and vice versa. I was pretty severely gaslighted by doctors and my dad, though. With my docs, I don't think they realized they were doing that. As for my dad, I'm fairly certain he was well-aware of what he was doing. He also has narcissistic personality disorder though. So, when I realized what I was doing, it was like oh shit, that's bad, I need to stop. xD So, while it's not good that I did it, I'm not an abusive person per se. It's unfortunate to experience it. But when you start recognizing the behavior, you can combat it and work through it. It hasn't happened between my husband and I for two years now. 

 

I think people have a tendency to forget everyone does abusive things occasionally. Abusive is such a powerful word too. So when we think about it, we're thinking the typical connotation of the word.



#8 Tammy

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Posted 14 May 2016 - 06:05 AM

This happened to me in a previous relationship, it was awful. It makes you lose who you are and it takes a lot of time and effort to get back to a place where you feel like yourself again afterwards :(

 

It's basically a lot of what has already been mentioned here, telling me I'm too sensitive over and over until I start to believe so that he can get away with treating me like shit, saying awful things then denying saying them to make me doubt my own memory of the incidents, manipulating me into thinking I want something when it's actually him who wants it....

 

It seems really stupid to fall for those things from the outside but when you are in it it just kind of sweeps you away.



#9 GetJinxed

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Posted 14 May 2016 - 06:21 AM

Hell yeah it happened to me on my last relationship. There was always something wrong with me or the decisions I'd make. Always kept pushing me down for doing what I was doing for a living back in the day. I was earning only from Internet Marketing and so on. Bitch kept saying it was unreliable and I had to have some goals or whatever. However it was kay when she wanted those fancy dinners and gifts. And me being stupid as I was kept it going for a good while. 

 

I went to a point where I thought I was the one with mental issues.. Like am I really that bad of a boyfriend and so on?  :ohwell: No matter whether I was right or not in the argument the fault was always and only mine. Like every single fucking time. Then one day I was like fuck this shit! I suspected she was a narcissist but then found out she was actually a BPD (borderline personality disorder) due to her past and so on. Haven't seen her face to face for almost 2 years now and it's been a huge relief. Sometimes we still talk online but that's pretty much it.

 

I was vague but there is so much to tell that's probably enough to write a book  :lol2:

 

TL;DR:  Yes i've been multiple times in the past by my ex. Slut <_<



#10 Amethyst

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Posted 14 May 2016 - 07:15 PM

It has, but I don't want to discuss it publicly because it could get me into a bad situation if someone involved saw it.



#11 Paprika

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Posted 02 June 2016 - 04:12 PM

Weirdly enough it happened to me on the internet before, which I didn't even think was possible, but at one point I felt very attached to this girl i was roleplaying with. Don't really want to discuss details, though I doubt she'd ever trawl these forums.

 

I feel like people with magnetic personalities are better at gaslighting. It's only when I feel like I don't want to lose the other person that I start second guessing myself. Otherwise I'm a fairly confident person. Can happen to anyone, I guess. /shrug.


Edited by crepas, 02 June 2016 - 04:13 PM.


#12 Dexternaut

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Posted 02 June 2016 - 05:20 PM

Weirdly enough it happened to me on the internet before, which I didn't even think was possible, but at one point I felt very attached to this girl i was roleplaying with. Don't really want to discuss details, though I doubt she'd ever trawl these forums.

 

I don't think it's that weird, when you get attached, you get attached. Be it on the internet or IRL, and the same situations could be present at any time anywhere after getting attached.

 

I had a lot of toxic friendships and it has become kind of a work in progress to kind of "detach the bugs" from my head and getting lighter in the process.

Some people are abusive and they don't even know about it, even if you talk it out, even people you know since forever, they may not know this is damaging you, and, really, the hard part is realizing yourself what's going on, imagine the other person!

 

Not defending the behavior, of course. It's bad, It's really bad.


Edited by Dexternaut, 02 June 2016 - 05:21 PM.


#13 Paprika

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Posted 02 June 2016 - 06:13 PM

Yeah it's true that some actions that people do can become abusive without them realizing it, or sometimes they have trouble controlling themselves, and that's understandable, but not it doesn't make it any more okay. On one hand, you might be sincere when apologizing because "you were just really in an emotional situation", but it doesn't mean that people have to take the abuse.



#14 Tetiel

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Posted 02 June 2016 - 10:46 PM

Yeah it happened to me all the time in one relationship. He would insist that he had a perfect memory and that I was always remembering things wrong. So I started questioning if I was crazy. I really believed him, even after the relationship ended. I started channeling my OCD towards my memory to make it stronger but even if I hadn't, I know he was completely full of it. I just couldn't believe it then. He really tormented me and made me feel incapacitated. He kept always insisting that he was smarter than me and said that his ex was too. Guess I kinda showed him in the end. :\




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