33 replies to this topic

[Alodielle]

Reddit has a forum called "offmychest" -- a place for letters and confessions that you just need to get out there into the abyss. I thought it might be a cool thing to start here.

I'll go first.

I miss when you had no sex life.

Spoiler

Dear C,

You're one of my best friends. You know that. You're incredibly smart and unusually funny. I think it's immeasurably cool that you do research and write papers just because you love to learn. Your personal life was always a mystery to me, but I didn't care because we had a great time together, regardless of what I knew about your past.

That said, it really touched me when you decided to tell me everything. I know that trust doesn't come easily for you; telling me about the sexual abuse your father perpetrated on you must have been one of the hardest things you've ever done. I'm honored that you value our friendship so much.

I gotta say, though, I don't care for the new dynamic our relationship has taken on. I know that everything you tell me, you tell me because you know you can trust me, because you want the opinions and advice of someone you respect, and I remain honored by all that. But ever since your confession, you've very suddenly begun to show your young age, and you've quickly transformed into someone I don't particularly enjoy talking to.

It was interesting to hear that you -- my quiet, shy, book-loving C -- are a sexual deviant. I had no idea. And yes, you explained that children involved in sexual abuse often develop nymphomania to varying degrees as they reach adulthood. But quite suddenly (at least in my eyes), you're all about sex. And I mean all about sex. We haven't talked about a book in months, let alone played a video game or gone to see a movie. All you talk about -- all the time, all day long, every single day -- is your "casual" sexual encounters with a wide variety of other women, a new one every few days. You talk in detail. In horribly colorful detail.

And instead of the quietly confident girl whose company I immensely enjoyed, you've become this neurotic bag of paranoia and self-doubt:

"Why hasn't she texted me in five whole minutes?!"

"Why hasn't anyone responded to my 'Casual Encounters' ad yet?!"

"What if she's only saying she wants to meet up with me because she's afraid of hurting my feelings?!"

"I just met her last night, but I'm 100% in love with her! What do I do?! What do I do?!"

You've devolved from the oldest 23-year-old I've ever met to something resembling a horny 13-year-old. I'm starting to hate talking to you. I actually dread seeing your name pop up in chat. But it does, every day, because you know I care about you and will listen to all you have to say. And I respond, every single day, because I do care and I will listen.

But I hate it. And I miss the days when you not trusting me meant that I enjoyed your company.

I will never be able to tell you this to your face -- at least, not until years have passed and you've finally come into your own, whatever and whenever that may be. The only reason you tell me about this side of you is that I'm one of perhaps only two people in the world you trust enough to be this open with. You feel like you're letting me see the real you for the first time, and you must have been -- and perhaps still are -- terrified of my judgment. I will never let on that I miss the "you" you were back when you were hiding most of yourself from me.

But I do. I do miss that "you". Every day. Every time you IM me to discuss yet another sexual non-conquest.

I'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to experience all this as a teenager, as did most of the rest of us; you have a horrible past with which to contend, and none of this is your fault. But I'm nearing my thirties, I'm getting married soon, and I'm far, far past the time when I was interested in mooning over crushes and discussing the nitty-gritty of orgasms and panicking over every word a potential love interest did or did not say.

I hope you get over this soon, dear. Because I thought we would be friends for a very long time. And I'm just not sure I'm a good enough friend to put up with this now-teenaged relationship dynamic for too much longer.

Regretfully,

A

[redlion]

inb4 Can I meet your friend?

Except I'm not her type at ALL.

Anyway, I'm sorry your friend is a sex-crazed maenad?

[Alodielle]

I'd've guessed that the smart, clever type is her "type," but I'm apparently wrong in that. The last girl she was obsessed with was an obese, racist-as-hell black chick who hated charities because they "cheat people."

Mmmyeah.

[luvsmyncis]

Except I'm not her type at ALL.

That's what you get for being born male.

[Alodielle]

She's apparently bi but (understandably) can't bring herself to trust men right now. Women feel "safe."

[Mishelle]

She doesn't get any kind of therapy?

[Alodielle]

Nope. And I spend way too much time trying to nudge her in that direction. She just keeps saying, "Maybe someday." I think her "I can fix it" mentality is getting in her way.

[Mishelle]

Nope. And I spend way too much time trying to nudge her in that direction. She just keeps saying, "Maybe someday." I think her "I can fix it" mentality is getting in her way.

Well let her know that you can't fix herpes.

[Alodielle]

Sweetest Bobbi is like that, she'll be with a woman until her soul heals, and then find a man whom always hurts her, in spirit or in flesh, then she goes back to another woman.

My beloved does not let sweet Bobbi visit anymore.

She confessed recently that she's not even sure she likes women. She's just repulsed by men right now. I'm more worried that her throwing herself sexually at scores of people demonstrates some form of either self-destruction or desperation for acceptance.

Also, *who, not whom.

Well let her know that you can't fix herpes.

Hahaha. I'll remember that.

Edited by Alodielle, 13 August 2012 - 10:49 AM.

[redlion]

I'd've guessed that the smart, clever type is her "type," but I'm apparently wrong in that.

While I appreciate what I took to be a compliment, I was more referring to this

That's what you get for being born male.

Bitch is craaazy. Crazy is not my type. And I'm not hers, so it's rather fitting that I've no idea who she is. AND NEVER WILL.

[Alodielle]

Bitch is craaazy. Crazy is not my type. And I'm not hers, so it's rather fitting that I've no idea who she is. AND NEVER WILL.

This makes me sad. She used to be the most level-headed girl I knew. Now she's totally your clingy, overattached, obsessive, needy, self-hating, paranoid girl. (Maybe she always was, behind proverbial closed doors, but now I'm aware of it.) She knows it, too, but that knowledge doesn't seem to temper her behavior at all.

[Mishelle]

Some people are just afraid to be alone. My cousin is like that. She's never single for more than a few months then she always finds a new girl even though these girls always seem to have the same problems. Addiction issues, clinginess, multiple personalities. The last girlfriend she had was a straight up psycho. She would get so drunk and they would scream at each other and fist fight. The relationship didn't end until I made her leave the girl. Now she's with a new girl and even though the new girl takes care of her and buys her everything, she's a total alcoholic and if you let her she'll drink an entire bottle and just lose it. We've had to patch up multiple holes in the wall from her throwing things. Her car windshield is broken because she kicked it in a drunken rage. A couple weeks ago she kicked my cousin out of her car and drove off. We even had to have her committed to a mental hospital once because she wouldn't stop trying to cut herself. But my cousin still plans on moving into a one bedroom apartment with her. When I bring it up she does the same thing her fucking mom does. Her eyes glaze over and you can tell she's not listening to a word you're saying.

You've just got to let them make their own mistakes. Next summer I'm getting the fuck up out of here.

Edited by Mishelle, 13 August 2012 - 10:57 AM.

[Alodielle]

Some people are just afraid to be alone. My cousin is like that. She's never single for more than a few months then she always finds a new girl even though these girls always seem to have the same problems. Addiction issues, clinginess, multiple personalities. The last girlfriend she had was a straight up psycho. She would get so drunk and they would scream at each other and fist fight. The relationship didn't end until I made her leave the girl. Now she's with a new girl and even though the new girl takes care of her and buys her everything, she's a total alcoholic and if you let her she'll drink an entire bottle and just lose it. We've had to patch up multiple holes in the wall from her throwing things. Her car windshield is broken because she kicked it in a drunken rage. A couple weeks ago she kicked my cousin out of her car and drove off. We even had to have her committed to a mental hospital once because she wouldn't stop trying to cut herself. But my cousin still plans on moving into a one bedroom apartment with her. When I bring it up she does the same thing her fucking mom does. Her eyes glaze over and you can tell she's not listening to a word you're saying.

You've just got to let them make their own mistakes. Next summer I'm getting the fuck up out of here.

I used to be like that -- hopping from relationship to relationship (though none lasted shorter than 4.5 years) -- and I guess I never broke myself of it, but I did spend enough time alone to come to understand that I simply like being in a relationship better than I like being single. The whole "dating around" thing just isn't for me, that's all. And I correct the problems of previous relationships. Who wants to make the same mistakes over and over again just because they bring the comfort of familiarity?

Also... this may be really, really sexist of me (or some such), but I'm awfully glad I'm straight. I'd hate having to date women. Guys can be pains in the ass, but they're so much easier to understand and get along with than women.

Also also, your cousin sounds like a fucking handful and a half. You have my sympathy.

[Alodielle]

Really, my observation is that from easiest to most difficult it is Straight Woman:Lesbian Women:SA Woman:Straight men:Gay Men.

Guess it all depends on one's perspective.

And I'm totally getting reamed for this post on reddit:

She won't 'get over it' any time soon. She hasn't changed at all - your view of her has. So you didn't know this side of her before, and she's excited that she has someone to confide in.

I really don't see any scenario where this friendship continues. I hope the next person she confides in is better chosen.

Also, you don't miss when she had no sex life (because she's remained constant here) you just miss when she wasn't talking about it to you.

They're really beating the dead Obvious horse, but that middle part stings a bit. I pride myself on being a good friend. But friendship goes both ways, and right now (in fact, for nearly six months now), I'm getting nothing out of this relationship.

[Random]

Reddit sucks. Fuck anything they have to say.

[Alodielle]

Reddit sucks. Fuck anything they have to say.

I like you. Have an upvote.

You get a chance to give your skill, honor and talent to another, you get a chance to return part of the kindness this world had done to you, to another. These are gifts, do not dismiss them lightly. If the burden grows too hard, than do as you must, but never think you're not getting something out of the act of giving.

They're gifts I find myself giving all too often. I'm always the listening ear, never the one to whom others listen. After twenty-eight years of it, it grows tiring.

[iargue]

I will give you direct advice, and then write my offyourchest letter.

The main point and idea is to simply tell her that. Don't do it over chat (Unless you don't know her in person).

You have to tell her absolutely everything that you are feeling, or even give her this letter if you have to (Better to read it). She has to know how you feel, and how much you care about her, or she will never come out of it. As long as you keep listening and just being there for her, she will continue down this destructive cycle and will always have someone to lean on and thus will never understand what is actually wrong. You must change this. You must speak to her, but you must be careful about how you do it. this is the hardest thing to do, because if you slip up even slightly, she will never want to speak to you again. but that's fine. Because if she says that, shes not a person you want in your life. Move on. But if you do it right, you can save her before things get way too far down the line that things can't be recovered.

[Alodielle]

Looked at your profile, saw a cute cat. I had one almost like that, a long haired tabby, mine had a Maine Coon Cat in its past, actually its grandmother was a cross between a Siamese and a Main Coon Cat, but "Fuzzy" had some other ancestors that were also MC cats.

Maine Coons make the best damn cats.

I will give you direct advice, and then write my offyourchest letter.

The main point and idea is to simply tell her that. Don't do it over chat (Unless you don't know her in person).

You have to tell her absolutely everything that you are feeling, or even give her this letter if you have to (Better to read it). She has to know how you feel, and how much you care about her, or she will never come out of it. As long as you keep listening and just being there for her, she will continue down this destructive cycle and will always have someone to lean on and thus will never understand what is actually wrong. You must change this. You must speak to her, but you must be careful about how you do it. this is the hardest thing to do, because if you slip up even slightly, she will never want to speak to you again. but that's fine. Because if she says that, shes not a person you want in your life. Move on. But if you do it right, you can save her before things get way too far down the line that things can't be recovered.

I fear confronting her because I'm one of only two people she's ever felt she can trust enough to open up to. How would you feel if you had a secret that ate at you every moment of every day, a secret which you felt you could never share with another living soul, and then had that secret thrown back in your face just when you'd found the bravery to confess it to someone you had deemed entirely trustworthy?

I just wish desperately that she would agree to see a professional.

I'll be looking for your letter. Time for someone else to be the focus.

[iargue]

I fear confronting her because I'm one of only two people she's ever felt she can trust enough to open up to. How would you feel if you had a secret that ate at you every moment of every day, a secret which you felt you could never share with another living soul, and then had that secret thrown back in your face just when you'd found the bravery to confess it to someone you had deemed entirely trustworthy?

Don't throw the secret back in her face. I know the exact feeling, and I know the exact moment. From my own experience I can tell you many thing. I can tell you that she needs someone to pull her out of it. I've never let a situation just go its course and it end up good. Usually it ends up in a giant mess and I lose that person forever, despite wishing that I never did. What I can tell you is that when you have the talk, you have to be 100% honest, and 120% gentle. You have to show it from your point of view, while always praising them or making them feel better. Otherwise they see it as you attacking them. Tell them how you feel, but try and not bring up anything negative, except that you want them to get help.

She has to accept what is happening long before she can get any help. You have to be the person who pushes her to the point where she agrees that its time to talk to a professional and get help. I've gone to plenty of meetings with another person as support, because I brought them out of their shell, made them feel safe and normal, and then coaxed them sharing it with other people whom she knows that they can trust. The key is to let her know that there is nothing to be afraid of, and that she doesn't have to hide from her past, because shes a great person.

Here is my letter, to someone I know personally.

Spoiler

Dear A:

You need to stop trying to run. Every since your past, you have been trying to run from what has happened from you, and you keep thinking if you go somewhere else, you will feel better, safer, and more at home. Yet each time you run, you find nothing but the same emptiness that you always find, and so you run again, and again.

You will never ever find happiness if you keep running like this. Seattle, michigan, another country. They will always make you feel different, because you refuse to accept what has happened, and who you really are. You continue to try and force yourself to be different, when you naturally are different, and as such you are never yourself.

Everything bad thats happened to your recently has been your own fault. It pains me to say that, but it truly is your stupid decisions on who to trust, and to be so trusting of them. It took forever to get through the trust barrier, and yet you tend to let in the worst people in easily, and then are supprised when you get hurt. I've tried telling you that they are bad people, but all you do is get mad at me, and then apologize after they hurt you. At this point it feels like you want to get hurt, because its the only thing you've known.

Its time to stop running, and its time to stop lying to yourself. Its time to be who you are, and who you want to be, instead of this person deep inside of a shell, who only stick her head out to get it stepped on. You have to be okay with who you are, far before you can be okay with anyone else. Until you reach that point, you will jump from person to person, each time you will get hurt, and I will be forced to pick you up, because I can't stand to see you hurt.

You are hurting others with your actions. You think that your parents are punishing you because you got the house robbed. They are punishing you because you trusted people you should not have. There should never be a moment when someone asks you "who do you think robbed you?" and the answer is your latest boyfriend. They gave you a curfew, and installed an alarm system, because they are afraid your next action will hurt you worse then all of the times before. I know this because I share their pain every time you come to me because you screwed up.

Edited by iargue, 13 August 2012 - 01:45 PM.