TW: Anxiety, Depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder
I'm an impatient person by nature, but usually I find little ways to distract myself. A show to watch, a character to write, something to day dream about. Whatever helps pass the time between what I want to happen and that thing actually happening.
I've mentioned in my introduction that I'm wheelchair mobile, and sometimes the inability to do things for myself just gets to me. I hate having to wait for other people for things, I hate having to wait at all. That's just a natural part of my life that I try my best to mitigate, with tv, with roleplaying, with whatever strikes my fancy so I can keep a positive outlook and not take my frustration out on those around me.
Some times it's easier than others. It comes in waves, levels I can handle and levels I can't at all. A sense of helplessness and powerlessness can really be maddening sometimes. Add that to depression, where something as tiny as knocking over a glass of water can be enough to just completely destabilize your entire day - and you can see the combination would be rough.
The trouble is, when I get anxious, my imagination and enthusiasm for things dries up. All I can feel is the looming stillness and oppressive slowness of time as it crawls by. Still without whatever it is that I need coming to pass.
Add depression, especially the kind that comes when it rains and my severe seasonal affective disorder takes over, and the smallest of things being in other people's hands, even if it would be a waiting game for anyone, make me worry and it dials up the anxiety until I have clawing in my stomach, tenseness in my shoulders and it's all I can do to stare at my screen/phone/inbox/email while I wait for people to get back to me and try desperately to block out the rain.
The rain which hasn't left me alone for one second today and shows no signs of stopping tonight. Which has already spiraled my thoughts into useless frenzies more times than I can count today. -sighs-
It should be a small thing, and any other time it might be. But I have been waiting three days for answers from three entirely separate groups of people and no one has been around to answer me and it's driving me up the wall. None of them has the time to realize that I can't move forward with what I'm trying to do unless they help me.
As I'm writing this, one of the people gets back to me to be absolutely no help. Perfect.
I'd like to know what you guys do when what you want is in someone else's hands, be it a big thing or a small thing. How do you cope with it? How do you handle the waiting? Much less the wondering and the worrying? What helps calm you down? what brings back the chill and allows you to focus on things that make your life better instead of whatever is taking more time than you wish it was? How do you become okay with giving up control over the outcome of what you want or need without giving up the wheel altogether?
And, how do you cope when the outcome isn't what you were hoping for? How do you handle it when someone finally comes back only to tell you that whatever it is you wanted isn't something that can happen?
UPDATE: Since I first wrote this a week ago (on another site) some of what I wanted has slowwwwly sllowwwwly started to happen. But it keeps stalling and starting. People offer to provide what I need and then back out. So! any advoce you have would still be super helpful!