How do you become vulnerable? A 2AM Rant.

Keeping things on the down low but you can guess the context so whatever.

I did some things, some people critiqued it and I am done reviewing through the multiple channels of correspondence. The worst critique was a "meh/bland" which I don't mind since I feel like I half-assed about 15% of the work. The best was a "wow, I totally get you and hit me up for some drinks" (in a professional type of manner which may result with a loss of a kidney in a motel at Camden, NJ with I as the organ harvester. I'll let you ponder on that). The one that stuck with me was that I lacked vulnerability.

It has been stressed that I am like Katniss Everdeen which is funny because I finally watch Catching Fire recently through the means of an everyday middle-classed minority with questionable morals and internet access; I borrowed a DVD copy from the local library. If you thought otherwise, I do not blame you.

If the whole Hunger Games trilogy was not centered on her POV, you wouldn't know what would be going in Everdeen's head. They (singular critiquey person thing of credentials) felt the same about me except they don't get me. At all. I have been seen as a broken (man)child wearing a cracked porcelain mask that did not shatter all the way through. Just not enough to know my tender essence. They want more of me, not of what I produce but still have me in the the things I produce. I don't get it. Looking at back at the critique, I wasn't compared to Bella Swan. At least I'm more interesting than stale bread.

Back track: what does my essence have to do with my work? I did it. Is that not enough?

Moving on.

This critique had checkpoints in it. Incredible. It took the brevity side of things. Good. I lacked the attention span to read the wall of text others sent.

• XYZ is good.
• ABC is well done.
• MN is a bit confusing but that can be edited quickly.
• A revisit of the work would yield higher quality (no argument there).
• Talk to this guy who works in Illonois. (They did spell Illinois wrong and that alarmed me.)
• You showed a unique voice
• You showed passion.
• You showed depth.
• You showed wit.
• You showed tact.
• You lack heart and soul.

Under the last bullet, they elaborated very vaguely. Blah blah blah I want to know how you think not what your work says yadda yadda yadda not the same as voice hurr durr herp derp find your inner most aura and let it all out bibbity babbity bibbity boo organic herbal tea. The last two I made up, but it is a close paraphrase of what was written.

I really don't know what vulnerability means, or at least what level of vulnerability they want. I've been in so many collaborative projects (mostly in school and at the place I'll dubiously leave as "The Center") where I worked long enough with a cluster of individuals to share intimate stories and pinky-promised secrets. I know the unsaid rules of sharing your crazy with other people at the perfect times. I get that. But what vulnerability do they want? Do they want Ke... to spill every single detail about himself even when he's most uncomfortable saying it? Okay. Fine.

Today, I kicked a dog in the head because it kept sniffing my ankle. When the owner asked what happened, I said it rammed its head on the nearby tree chasing a squirrel. I didn't feel bad. Stupid dog.

Today, I was distracted in front of a green stoplight because I was gawking at gas prices on the corner station. Thus, the car behind me got stuck with a red light. They never did beep at me. I felt bad.

Today I wished for someone in Codex to experience a certain turn of events that would result in an unfavorable outcome considered by a majority of a sample population as irksome if an extensive survey was issued. I felt this every other day. Who doesn't? Today I yearned for their SHIFT buttons to be sticky. I am a petty person.

At the same time, I can't just share everything single thing I am to a person that has not reached "You will bail me out of prison if I give you directions to get the money" level with me. I can't share all my sex experiences with random people either. I am uncomfortable talking about sex as much as Boggart having some.

I'll probably email the person tomorrow for elaboration because I spent around 30 minutes typing this while listening to my subscribed podcasts and it'll be around 2 when I finish.

Look at this. The last part of that critique referred me to an "investment" that would set me apart from the competition. Fuck no. I don't gots no money. I don't suckle off my parent's life-numbing inheritance and live in a penthouse above starry skyscrapers. I am going to school to get the job I want at the price I don't and eat the same ol' stale bread because .