Mishelle's Blog

This is the day I've been dreading. I honestly don't have a problem with my job but first week of Fall semester has been one gigantic clusterfuck since I started working there. My bosses fuck up EVERY TIME. This time was really no different.

Fuck up #1: The schedules.

Most of the people working didn't know their schedules until last Friday. They called me and told me I was supposed to come in at 8am but didn't tell me when I'd be scheduled off (probs cuz they didn't know) and when I got to work they only had the schedules up for Monday and Tuesday. Hopefully tomorrow they'll have the schedule for the week up.

Fuck up #2: THEY DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING. Add/Drop period is the busiest time of the semester and it's all the way downhill from there so you would think that they would want to be fully stocked for it? Nope. We were running out of everything nothing was stocked, half the sodas in the fountains were out of order we didn't have shit.
Fuck up #3: None of the pricing is correct. They added and removed a bunch of shit on the menus and they brought Donna in on Friday to change the prices but when she got there they didn't have the prices. The weekend passes, they're still not changed. Monday comes and they get pissed at Donna that the new cashiers are confused about prices when they STILL haven't given her the new ones.

And it's only 8am. I just clocked in and witness 3 fuck ups. I went to get my money bag and there I find out about Fuck up #4.

Because they decided to hire 20 cashiers this semester instead of their usual 15 there weren't enough bags to go around. Janet only made 15 bags so she's rushing through the bags from yesterday trying to create new ones for all the cashiers who are clocking in. I have to get a $250 bag instead of my usual $100 because that's the only one left. Janet ended up having to say 3 extra hours counting bags because there were so many cashiers and the new cashiers kept fucking up their counting but that's to be expected.

I take my bag out to the cafeteria.
Fuck up #5: WHY ARE THERE ALREADY 3 CASHIERS THERE?!
We only have 4 stations and it's 8 oclock in the morning. We don't have lunch rush until 11:30 so they're just sitting there at their registers. I only ended up checking out one person and then just sitting there because I'm in the back and there's not enough customers to warrant 4 cashiers. So I take the initiative to stock the fridges with what I can find. (Remember Fuck up #2, we don't have shit)

Not only do I have to deal with the hard labor or hurling 24 count packages of soda through the cafeteria the entire time I'm trying to stock my co-worker Chris is BUGGING. Just like he did last semester, and the semester before that. He constantly asks me to hang out with him and go on a date with him but I keep blowing him off because he tried to hook up with Willie.Willie tells me that he's also still trying to hang out with HIM and go out on a date with HIM. Bitch. You've gotta be fucking kidding me. I try my best to avoid him but he FOLLOWS me from the soda room throughout the cafe.
"So how was your break?"
"When are you taking your lunch?"
"Are you happy to be back?"

Not with you bugging the shit out of me no I'm not happy to be back. I get done stocking and go to the registers because they're on the other side of the wall and I can avoid Chris. Another fucking cashier is showing up. It's 9am and we have 5 cashiers. WHY?
I move my drawer into one of the backup registers because it's better for the new girl to get experience cashiering and I decide fuck it I'm sure they have some paperwork in the office for me to do. And they do. Kathy has me input the waste logs into the computer and then file them away. Then I have to input the paid caterings into the computer and then file them away (the binders are a complete clusterfuck and out of order). Then she has me make copies of the unpaid invoices and keep one folder of copies for Diane, after that I must mail the copies off to the departments to be paid. Fuck up number 6 is minor but still kinda grinds my gears. The office is completely out of window envelopes so instead of being able to fold the paper so the mailing address shows through the window I have to write every single mailing address by hand onto the envelope. While I'm doing all this I have to listen to Janet complain about cashiers and Nick be a total asshole to her.

Janet: Twenty cashiers, Nick? Really TWENTY CASHIERS? We usually have only 15 I didn't have enough bags. I almost had to send one girl away because I wasn't ready with another bag.
Nick: *using a voice you know he uses with his children at home* Well Janet, you know why that is? Because we are in the business of customer service and when there aren't enough cashiers they have to wait. They're not happy if they have to wait so we have to make sure we have enough cashiers to make the customers happy. And you should want to make them happy, they're the ones who put money into this place. They're the reason you have your paycheck.

I know we both wanted to take a glass and smash it over his head right then and there. I finally finish all of that invoice paperwork and as soon as I get done and the last envelope is sealed I get hit in the face with FUCK UP NUMBER 7. It's 11 am!
Kathy: Oh I forgot, Diane has to sign those before you send them off so you'll have to take them out of the envelopes and get her to sign them.

Really bitch??? You've been working here for well over a decade and that just SLIPS YOUR MIND? So I had to take each and every invoice out of the envelope for Diane to sign and then make new envelopes and re-package them to get sent out. I hate my life, but I pull through. Then I go back to trying to get the paid invoice file into SOME kind of order because there's December shit in the July shit, August shit in the November shit and NOTHING is where it needs to be.

And then Nick arrives with Fuck up #8. God I hate him.

Nick: Hey Kinaya *gives me a biiiiig smile* can I ask you a huge favor?
Me: Oh god what is it
Nick: Well we're understaffed at Jamba Juice and it's reaaally busy and since we have an employee who just told us he had to go and left in the middle of his shift so we're really understaffed. Can you please help out at Jamba Juice?
Me: *dies inside*....Fine.
Nick: Do you have your uniform with you?
Me: No, I didn't know I was going to be working at Jamba Juice or I would've brought it. (#shade)
So Nick hands me a JJ uniform and I go into the bathroom where I change from a fugly red shirt to a fugly orange one.

Jamba Juice is a fucking mess. There's never a moment where there's less than 7 people waiting in line for their cups of sugar. Brandon (who is now the supervisor of Jamba Juice, moving up in the world) is making smoothies. New girl is confused. New boy is checking people out. We're all running around like chickens with our heads cut off until I put them in some kind of order. I keep new boy at the register because he's a huge flirt and he can stall the girls at the register long enough for us to catch up on smoothies. I ask Brandon to do dishes and then I call Nick to go get the shit we're running out of. I make the smoothies and I put new girl at the pour station to pour the smoothies out and give them to the customers because it's the simplest task we've got.

Who's the supervisor again? Whatever.

I was there for about an hour and a half but it went by pretty fast because we were busy the entire time. There was not one single moment of downtime. It was overwhelming. Then Brandon had to go to lunch but another new girl came and she really knew what she was doing so that made it easier. Still busy tho.

I showed up at 8 and I have to clock out for my lunch by 1:00 pm or I get written up and the cafe gets a huge fine. Brandon shows up at 12:55, I run to clock out in time and I get clocked out by 12:58 (thank god). I have 30 minutes of wonderful uninterrupted bliss.

I come back from my lunch Chris the BugABoo is back at it again.
"Oh you already took your lunch?"
"Uhh, yeah?"
"Oh....what did you eat?"
"I got a salad. I have to go work."

I find refuge back to the office and proceed to finish organizing the chaos they call filing. Then Kathy unleashes another Fuck Up Bomb (#9) on me. IT'S INVENTORY DAY AND SHE FORGOT. YAYY. Idk if she forgot to take her Valium but she can't seem to get it together today. I get to count everything we own. It's not that bad since they didn't order shit but it's still annoying because the blister on my foot is getting really unbearable. I'm trying to do inventory in the fountain room which right next to where The Bug works and he's trying to talk to me the entire time to the point where I close the door because I can't count when people are talking to me and he's fucking annoying. Then he finds a reason to open the door because he has to bring the mats from the grill into the soda room and he leaves a huge smear of some giant red goop on the door. And he just leaves it there on the door, doesn't even bother to wipe it off.

I leave to count the stock room. Then make my final round to count the cafe. I'm approaching the home stretch and all that's left to do is count the chips which is the most annoying part because we can't just count all the bags of chips we have to account for each type of chip individually. I mean every chip, 4 bags of Lays, 6 bags of sour cream and onion Lays, 12 bags of BBQ Lays, etc and there's a ton of chips that circle the entirety of the cafeteria. So I have to go to each station, count a particular kind of chip, write it down, then repeat the process until I've accounted for every single chip and the list is already fucked up and the same chip is on there twice, other chips are missing, because my boss can't do fucking ANYTHING right.

I'm trying to count the BBQ lays when I get to Chris' station. Fuck.

Not even 45 seconds into my count and he's trying to ask me what I'm doing on Friday. I tell him I'm busy. He asks me what I'm doing this weekend. I tell him I don't want to go out this weekend. He asks me what I'm doing next week. I tell him "Chris I'm counting" He continues to speak. "Chris I'm counting." Still talking....

Finally I get up off the floor, throw my paperwork on his counter and go "CHRISTOPHER. I'M COUNTING." He goes "I'm sorry I couldn't hear you." I'm pissed because I've lost count so I walk away to the other side of the cafeteria. I see David, omg David isn't new he knows how to do inventory! I ask him what time he gets off work. He says he gets off at 4:30 which is in the next 15 minutes. I get off at 4:30 too, fuck. I still have an entire $250 bag (that I only used once) that I have to count.

So I go to Kathy and tell her I'm off soon and I haven't been able to count the chips. She's pissed that I didn't manage to count any of the chips and I couldn't tell her it was all Chris' fucking fault so I just apologized and gave her the paper so I could finish counting my bag. I made $7 today.

Then on my way out I witness lucky Fuck up #10. We go from 5 cashiers at 9am to 2 cashiers at 4:30 pm and one of the cashiers has to take her lunch so that leaves 1 cashier to handle first week of school traffic. Customers shouldn't have to wait, we care so much about our customers *hugefuckingeyeroll*

But I'm already clocked out so that's not my problem. I proceed to take my Black ass home. And that was my first day of work. I hate my bosses they're incompetent fuckwits.

What was your favorite food when you were a child? Spaghetti-o's.
What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod? Probably "She is Beautiful" by Andrew W. K.
What is one of your favorite quotes? "One original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings" - somewhere random on the internet

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity? My favorite indoor activity is smoking weed. My favorite outdoor activity is going to the beach.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing? Dishes

What is your favorite form of exercise? Weights

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year? My favorite timme of day is 2pm, that's when I usually wake up. My favorite day of the week is Friday and my favorite time of year is california's winter.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation? The bus

What is your favorite body part? Boobs

What sound do you love? Electric guitars

If you could throw any kind of party, what would it be like and what would it be for? I would throw a nice party with music, alcohol, and dancing just so everyone can get together and turn up.

If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint? The beaches in Jamaica. The water is so beautiful.

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be? 25. I'm still young enough to party but old enough to have common sense and not get arrested.

If you knew the world was ending in 2012, what would you do differently? Omg I would be a fucking mess. I'd quit my job, and cuss out Nick because he's a dick. I'd burn my uniform. I'd spend all my money on bullshit. I'd steal my ex's car and set it on fire. Then I'd probably stay home and smoke weed while watching netflix til the world ends. Or my internet gets shut off.

If you could choose anyone, who would you pick as your mentor? Melissa Harris-Perry. She's what I want to be like when I grow up.

If you could witness any event past, present or future, what would it be? I'd go back to the 90s for the fashion and awesome tv shows.

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be? How to make my own clothes. I'd look so fierce all the time.

If you had to work on only one project for the next year, what would it be? Getting through the Game of Thrones books

If you were immortal for a day, what would you do? Everything.

If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to? Vivienne

If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would you meet? Living - Angela Davis Dead - Jimi Hendrix

If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do? Buy my mom a house.

If you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be? cat/margarita/cookies n cream

If you could know the answer to any question, besides “What is the meaning of life?”, what would it be? Who shot Tupac.

If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose? Serena Van Der Woodsen

Which celebrity do you get mistaken for? Maci Gray

What do you want to be when you grow up? I'd like to own my own creative agency.

When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time? Play Monopoly on my iPod.

What would you name the autobiography of your life? How to be a Functioning Alcoholic for Dummies

What songs are included on the soundtrack to your life? Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cuid

Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best? My cousin moving out and getting her own place.

What was one of the best parties you’ve ever been to? My 18th birthday party. It was a rager. It went on until 3am and no one called the cops. Our living room window got broken but we just blamed it on kids playing and got it fixed for free.

What was the last movie, TV show or book that made you cry or tear up? Skins

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? Get through 3 upper division group projects and group papers due around the same time last semester. I wanted to kill everyone.

What was the last experience that made you a stronger person? This whole court case situation

What did you do growing up that got you into trouble? I backtalked a lot. I still have a really smart mouth.

When was the last time you had an amazing meal? When I first went to New Orleans (Before Katrina hit) and ate at this great soul food place called Dookie Chase's and yrs later that place and the owner inspired Princes and the Frog.

What’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever given/received? Best gift received: My Lego Movie maker set when I was a kid. I got it as a gift for getting good grades.

Worst gift received: A really ugly shirt from the thrift store with a flower pattern and a random shoulder ruffle.

Best gift ever given: LA Noire. That freaking game cost me $60

Worst gift ever given: White t shirts i found on sale at Macys that were too small

What do you miss most about being a kid? All the toys. I was so spoiled.

What is your first memory of being really excited? Going to Disneyland for the first time

What was the first thing you bought with your own money? Franz Ferdinand's debut album

When was the last time you were nervous? My last school presentation.

What is something you learned in the last week? I learned that you shouldn't put ice on burns. You should apply warm water.

What story does your family always tell about you? The time I drank a bottle of wine because i thoought it was juice and got drunk.

At what age did you become an adult? 17

Is a picture worth a thousand words? Not with the instagram filters we have today.

Where’s Waldo? In Cabo getting white girl wasted.

The best part of waking up is? Ew. There isn't one.

How now brown cow? Fuck that.

Whasssssuuuupppppp? I'm so stoned rn

Since I've moved here I've always gone back to LA for the summer. I always spend my 4th of July with my family in Baldwin Hills. This year I didn't get to do that because around like June Aurora kept telling me "I want to do something for the 4th of July. Lets do something for the 4th of July. What are we dong for the forth of July. I want to do something for the 4th of July."

So I decided to stay here and do something for the 4th of July.

Aurora doesn't really have any friends. I have friends that I share with her who don't really like her they just tolerate her because she's always around me and they want to hang out with me. I know that sounds super conceited but it's the truth. She has no social skills and she doesn't know how to follow social cues which makes it hard for her to maintain friendships. So since she wanted to do something I got all my friends together and asked them what they were doing for the 4th and if they had nothing to do they could hang out with us. I was under the impression that between June when she brought it up and the 4th that she would've come up with an idea of something that she wants to do since it was her idea. No. Not the case. She keeps asking me what we're doing and I keep reminding her that I don't know what's going on here. I don't even give two shits about the 4th of July. Who's independence day is this? My ancestors didn't declare independence, my ancestors were slaves. But that's neither here nor there the point is I didn't have a fucking clue so stop asking me and make a decision for yourself.

Willie texts me that morning asking if he and Brandon can come over my house. Laura couldn't come because she was spending the 4th with her son's father and his family. I also want to invite Kayte but Aurora has hated Kayte ever since she found out Kayte slept with her guy friend that she calls her brother (remember the chlamydia situation).

However Brandon finds out that morning that Laura got into (yet another) fight with her son's father and he was putting his hand in her face while she was driving so she hit him to get him to stop. The cops were called and she was arrested for domestic violence because apparently the dude hit his head and was bleeding. I'm pretty sure Laura is like 110 lbs (at the most), the girl is a stick figure. I'm not sure how she could hit him hard enough while driving to do damage to the back of his head but I wasn't there so we'll see. She was held the whole night until she bailed out the next morning. So obviously when she got out of jail Brandon left to comfort Laura. The girl just got out of the jail and had to spend the whole night living that Orange is the New Black life, he needed to be there for her.

So Aurora is pissed that Brandon is not showing up and she told me that she lost both her swimming bottoms and she needed to go to the mall and buy new ones. I told her I didn't want to go to the mall because willie had already ran to the train station to get on the train and was on his way to my house. She was shopping for 2 hours. So obviously while we were waiting for her me and willie got high as fuck. We smoked a blunt, we smoked countless bowls, we ate some cake and ice cream and we smoked some more bowls. We were stuck on stupid high by the time she texted me telling me she was done shopping.

She asked me again, what are we doing? Again, I dont know what the fuck goes on here. I always spend the holiday in LA. So I assume ok lets to the the beach. There's water, there's hot dudes, and there's gonna be fireworks. How American is that? She texts me back saying she doesn't want to drive to Oceanside. If I had known she didn't want to go to Oceanside we could've taken the train there ourselves hours ago but instead we waited hours for her to show up and say "What do you want to do? Oh nvm I don't want to do that."

So she tells me that there's going to be fireworks at the Grape Day park and we should go there and she bought all this beer. I ask her if she's talked to Kayte, she says no and dodges the question cuz she doesn't really want to hang out with Kayte. So I say fuck it and I text Kayte. I tell her we're going to be hanging out for the 4th and to call me when she's off work if she can hang out. Kayte says she'll text me. See how fucking easy it is to be social and not have hang ups over shit that doesn't concern you?

There's these two girls Lerissa and Liv and they were at the park on the balcony and the balcony was byob. However by the time we got there the balcony was already closed. Of course it was closed, it was 5 mins before the show was about to start and the place was packed. Maybe if you hadn't taken 2 hours to shop for swimming bottoms at the mall instead of just taking your ass to WalMart we would've made it on time to make it up to the balcony. But instead of just accepting the fact that we couldn't get up on the balcony she throws a temper tantrum, yells at whomever is on the phone (idk if it was Lerissa or Liv) and hangs up in their face. Now she's all mad and she's all "Ok what do we do now I'm open to suggestions"

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN SAYING SINCE JUNE, BITCH?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. NOT ONLY DO I NOT KNOW THIS CITY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T EVEN LIVED HER A YEAR YET. I HAVE NEVER SPENT THIS HOLIDAY IN SAN DIEGO.

And all she keeps saying is "well I said I was open to suggestions" and I told her "I gave you a suggestion I wanted to go to the beach and you said no." And she goes on this rant "The beach is far away (30 minutes) and if I go I can't drink because there's all these checkpoints and I can't have fun if I cant drink"

Girl. All you bought were a couple bottles of Bud Lime. You're 22 years old. You can drink a couple beers, enjoy the beach and then drive home as long as you're below .08 BAC. Then she suggests that she can take us to a bar. Really a bar? Where, drinks are $10 each, there's a cover charge because it's the 4th, it's going to be filled with gross dudebros and there's already a ton of liquor just sitting at my house for free? When you just went on a rant about not being able to drink and drive in Oceanside?! I tell her lets just go to my house since she can't seem to make a decision on what she wants to do.

She drives us to my house, drops me and Willie off and then leaves. Doesn't say goodbye. Doesn't say she's leaving or anything.

So Willie and I continue hanging out at my house and then my aunt gives Willie a ride home. While I'm on my way home and Kayte texts me and asks what's going on. I tell her Im taking Willie home since Aurora ditched us. Kayte goes "Oh yeah she was just complaining to me about you and Willie."

And this is the part where I get heated.

How are you going to dog Kayte out all day and talk a bunch of shit about her and avoid asking her to hang out with us; but then as soon as I'm not the entertainment you wanted suddenly Kayte is your bff that you can talk shit about me and Willie to? And why is Willie being complained about to begin with? He didn't do anything except ride along and actually show up. He could've kept his ass at home because lord knows he doesn't like her. The only reason he hangs out with her is because she's with me and he wants to hang out with me. He even let me use his house to throw her a birthday party and invited his friends to her birthday party (because she doesn't have any) when he doesn't like her. And then you're gonna talk shit about him to Kayte who doesn't even know him?

So after that I decided I was done. I wasn't hanging out with her for a while I was just going to have fun with my friends because I can't deal with this kind of behavior aint nobody got time for it.

So yesterday Laura calls me and explains everything that happened and how she got arrested and if her bb daddy decides to press charges she wants to know if I will be a witness for her. I've seen Joe when he's using heroin he's a fucking mess and he's violent. If he presses charges he's an idiot because we already have so much evidence against him but just for peace of mind I told her yes I'd be on her side. She asked me if I wanted to go with her, Brandon and her son to Hooters. I tell her yeah so we all go to Hooters and watch the MMA game. I tag on facebook that I'm at Hooters watching the MMA game. Aurora likes the status and texts me "oh thanks for the invite."

Bitch you must have some kind of nerve thinking you can ditch me one day and I'm just gonna invite you somewhere with me the next day. But I didn't respond because I know the #1 way to drive a person crazy is to ignore their text messages.

It just pisses me off because I'm always there to hang out with her when she doesn't have anyone to hang out with. I introduced her to my friends. I threw her a 2nd birthday party. I let her practically live at my house because she doesn't like where she's at right now and then as soon as I don't entertain her or give her what she wants she wants to throw tantrums, get an attitude and talk shit about me to Kayte? Oh no hunny, lets see how you like it being friendless with nothing to do except pine after your meth addict prison boyfriend. Or fuck the 20 yr old who also fucks your neighbor and sneaks you into his parents' house at 3am because he doesn't want anyone to know about you.

That aint none of my business tho.



Ok that was shade but shit like this really makes me mad.

So I'm still working at the same place. I originally was scheduled to work as a cashier in the main cafe from 7am til 2pm which was fine but kind of lame because I'd have to wake up at 6am every day. Then my schedule was changed because Seth quit Jamba Juice so they put me there and I'm working from 9am til 2pm. What pisses me off about my job is that we have to prep and stock before we can open the place. So we show up at 9am but we don't officially open until 10am. We even have our hours posted right between the registers saying that our hours are from 9am til 1:30. Do people read it? No. Every day without fail we have to tell at least 7 people that we don't open until 10. Usually people will leave but then we have the people who will sit there and watch us open until we are open.

Oh that's not creepy at all.

And then when we're closing we have to tell 10 people a day that we're closed and that we close at 1:30. HOURS OF OPERATIONS EXIST FOR A REASON. PLEASE READ THEM.

On a positive note, for the job I have to wear my hair back in a ponytail. And apparently in a ponytail I look like a completely different person to white people. So when I see people who generally annoy me and always want to talk to me I'll just duck my head down and walk fast so they won't notice me. It usually works.

One thing I'll never understand are the people who have Jamba Juice every day. It's been two weeks, I show up Monday through Thursday and the same people show up every day and order the same thing every day. And it pisses me off because I get the impression that these people expect me to remember their names by now but I don't. I work with this guy Ed and he's like a freak of nature that remembers everyone's name and what smoothie they usually get so they expect me to as well. I never do, and some people will say their name with a bitchy tone in their voice offended that I don't remember them.

I'm sorry bitch, but you're a stranger and I don't care enough about your life to remember your favorite smoothie. So if you're going to come to me every day and order the same thing every day you're going to have to tell me your name every day.

My favorite customer are the people who ask me what they want and say "That sounds great I'll get that." Thank you kind patron for not being a pain in my ass and realizing that most of these smoothies taste the same because they're made out of the same shit.

What really drives me bonkers, what REALLY grinds my gears are the people who think that this place is healthy and take forever to analyze what's in everything and what's the healthiest thing on the menu. I have a love-hate relationship with the dudebros who look hot but constantly clear us out of all our whey protein. And they always ask way too many questions about the whey protein before eventually breaking down and paying for it anyway. The dudes who get mad that we can't add THEIR whey protein to the smoothies bug me tho. Get the fuck out of here you buff ass diva.

And then there's the blonde girls who think that just because they add a scoop of kale that makes the smoothie healthy. All of our smoothies are made with juice we mix ourselves with water and concentrate, sherbet loaded with sugar, and frozen fruit that I'm sure has a ton of GMOs and preservatives in them. This shit isn't healthy. Kale doesn't make it healthy, kale just makes it green.

Another thing that's really annoying:
Customer: I'll have a raspberry banana smoothie
Me: Well we don't have that on our menu, would you like to try one of our berry smoothies and add a scoop of banana to it?
Customer: No I just want a raspberry banana smoothie
Me: Well we can only serve smoothies that our on our menu so you'll have to order one of these smoothies.

Then they get mad and then I have to explain to them that it's company policy we can not custom make smoothies unless they want to pay to have extra fruit or scoops of sherbet added to smoothies already on our menu and they get all pissy at me because obviously I own the corporation and this is all my idea. BAD CASHIER. BAD.

And I still have to deal with customers who think we're best friends and I have to sit there and listen to their life story while a gigantic line of dudebros and girls in top knots and yoga pants forms behind them. I had one guy who obviously was trying to flirt with me but I legitimately didn't have time. Ed was on a break and I was the only person working. Then he got mad at me that I got his name wrong. I called him DaShawn instead of DeShawn.

BITCH I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR NAME IS, TAKE YOUR CUP OF SUGAR AND LEAVE. THESE WHITE GIRLS NEED KALE.

I work with a kid named Ed who is a great guy, he likes superheros, pokemon and weed; and I like those things too so we get along. He's really funny and we make a great team but he has ADHD and some days I want to shove his head in a fucking blender and turn it on. He'll have days where he can't pay attention to something for longer than 10 seconds before he just leaves in the middle of it and moves on to something else. So I have to spend the whole day going behind him and cleaning or putting things away. I legitimately have to be a parent, "Edward, clean these fucking blenders! Put that juice jug in the fridge where it belongs. YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET A WIFE ACTING LIKE THIS AND I'M NEVER GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE." But he comes in handy because he moves really fast and he has an amazing memory so he can remember all the recipes and make smoothies super fast. Go Ed. You still need to get it together tho.

Worse than the customers, worse than Ed and his ADHD, is my fucking boss Nick. Nick is a Dick, this is not only a saying but a movement.

Nick is the Assistant Food Service director but he acts like he's the fucking CEO of the cafeteria. He's always micromanaging everyone. His last rule was that "We must keep our trashcans on the left side of our registers" for no reason other than the fact that he prefers it that way. He will make us change things that makes it super inconvenient for us to do our jobs because that's the way he prefers it. For example he made us all wait until the end of the day to give us inventory sheets and change the entire set up of inventory and only gave us an hour to do it and then got mad when EVERYONE had fucked up inventory. And he's just super fake and talks to people like they're children. He speaks to us like we're too dumb to understand what he's saying. We're not dumb, we just don't want to follow your fucked rules, and I think he likes it that way. He likes being the boss, dictating everything that people do and making sure we have no autonomy over our jobs what so ever. We must all be machines fit for maximum input and maximum output. Everyone hates him, there's not a single person in the whole building that likes Nick. We all call him a dick behind his back constantly. It's only a matter of time before someone slips up and accidentally calls him Dick. I hope I'm there when it happens.

The head of our kitchen Monique finally snapped and told him about himself last Thursday. I went to go to the freezer and saw her yelling at him
"You're never satisfied with anything, all you want is more more more! You don't appreciate anything I do around here. I come to this job and I try to do the best I can and you're never satisfied you always want more for me and it's the way you talk to people IT'S THE WAY YOU TALK TO PEOPLE NICK"

I was interested in seeing this so me and Syed the dishwasher just sat and watched by the time clock. He doesn't speak English very well but he knew exactly what was going on, and he thinks Nick's a dick too. But then I remembered I left Ed alone with a sea of blonde girls WHO NEED KALE, so I got the kale.

I really think if we all band together and put our minds to it we can get Nick to quit.

I've come to the conclusion that my girl friends are truly powerless against dick and that it will make them do crazy things despite all the logic and reason that I throw at them.

Lets talk about my friend Laura. For those of you who haven't read my past blogs Laura is my friend Brandon's on again, off again (mostly off again) girlfriend of a year. She is also the mother of a 4 year old. Last Halloween Brandon cheated on her with this girl named Kim that we work with (we call her periodgirl because she was on her period when they had sex and it got all over the bed and it was gross) completely unprotected. Brandon doesn't ever want to wear condoms because he has a small penis and they fit him like a trashbag. But instead of just buying smaller condoms he'll just have sex unprotected. He's already caught an STD and gone through 2 pregnancy scares in the past 2 years. Does he learn anything? Nahhhhh.



Laura found out about periodgirl, every gross blood covered detail, and she asked him to take an STD test before she would have sex with him again. He got offended and refused, she had sex with him anyway. See I learned something about Laura recently. I learned that she's really stupid. I always thought she was dumb before, but I found out that she's just really really really mind numbingly fucking stupid.

The first time I approached her about birth control she told me that she doesn't like putting foreign substances in her body, that's why she's vegan and all this other holy earth mother moon goddess bullshit. I kindly informed her that birth control pills are not made of foreign substances, it's simply a higher dose of the hormones that your body already produces. She was totally shocked, she had no idea. Did she go out and get that free Obamacare birth control right away? Nope.



My friend Aurora has been wanting to move out from where she is for a long time and she really wanted me to move in with her but I don't want to move out of where I am and I genuinely enjoy living with my aunt so I tried to play matchmaker and have Laura move in with Aurora since Laura is currently living with her child's father who's addicted to heroin. And then it hit me that once they move out it's going to be open season with her and Brandon and it's only going to be a matter of time before she gets pregnant. She told me that she doesn't use birth control or condoms with Brandon and they don't even pull out all the time. She just relies on the fact that she has a tilted uterus and will constantly take morning after pills. She told me that once she didn't get her period for 4 months because of the morning after pills. I told her instead of taking morning after pills, why not get on birth control because they're actually made out of the same hormones except they wont fuck up your cycle and have your period randomly going MIA for months at a time. She just told me "no I'm not getting on birth control and if I get pregnant I'll just have an abortion." I told her "Do you have $600 for an abortion? Why would you spend that money on an abortion rather than just getting FREE birth control?!?" We went back and forth on that for a while because this girl wasn't making any fucking sense. You have a child, you've had an STD before you've suffered every consequence of having reckless unprotected sex and you STILL won't get a goddamn clue? Do you need to get HIV or something incurable before you get it together?



I was done. After that I told my friend Aurora do not move in with her because she's going to get pregnant again and you'll have to deal with her four year old, a newborn, and her archaic relationship that's only going to get worse. So now she's trying to move in with Willie who's Brandon's best friend because he's being kicked out of his place in a month and he's desperate. SMH.

Speaking of Aurora, she's also the victim of having her brain and logic paralyzed by penis.

Aurora had a boyfriend who ended up getting hooked on meth and it ended their relationship. A couple months ago she started hanging out with his younger brother as friends. Then the younger brother put the moves on her and tried to have sex with her but I told her not to do it because he was saying stuff like "Oh I can sneak you into my room at night" and stuff that just makes it super obvious he just wants her for a booty call. But by this point I could tell she already had feelings for him so she ended up sleeping with him. Then she came to me the next day absolutely pissed because the sex only lasted two pumps before he came and everything was over. Did that deter her from this obvious oncoming trainwreck?? Nope she decided she was going to train him to have sex properly which is a noble task but who really has time for that shit? Especially since there's another roadblock here.

He told her that he had a girlfriend but broke up with his girlfriend because he didn't have time for her. The girlfriend also happens to be Aurora's neighbor. However, not too long ago Aurora drove up to her house just to see them in the car together and that's how she found out that way that they were back together. He didn't even tell her upfront when she asked. He just ignored all of her text messages but would still call her asking to hook up, and she would still offer to hook up with him! And then would get mad when he wouldn't show up! I tried to explain to her that he is what we call a "douchebag" and that he doesn't actually want to be fwb with her he just wants her to constantly be available for him to fall back on when him and his gf are having problems. She finally took the hint but I can tell she still has feelings for the guy.



Last night she called me borderline crying when she pulled up to her house and saw his car parked in front of her neighbors house so she knew they were together. She didn't even want to go home because she knew they were next door together so I told her she could sleep over at my house for the night. Then while she was sleeping over my house he had the nerve to text her in the middle of the night trying to hook up with her.

I know she was wrong and stupid for not listening to me in the beginning and getting with him in the first place but he really doesn't have to rub it in like that and be such a fucking asshole. Like how are you going to try to sneak around when they both fucking live next door to each other???

But Aurora actually has a semblance of a brain left she's finally got the picture that he's a douche, he doesn't deserve her time and she doesn't need this mess. I'm going to take her to Carlsbad next weekend to go find new dudes because I'm so done with these fuckboys who are still living with their parents, have shitty jobs and get everything handed to them who think that they can just jerk my friends around. Fuck them.



Speaking of fuckboys I have had to deal with my fair share of fuckboys as well but I've been handling it a bit differently than my dickmatized sistren although I'll admit that I'm being extremely immature.

My ex that I used to live with Alex randomly messaged me on Facebook saying that he wanted to be friends. We've been going through this cycle for a while where he will say he wants to be friends, text me every day, do everything for me, then randomly star flirting with me, tell me he loves me again and then randomly stops talking to me when he finds another girl and I get mad and delete him from everything and we don't talk. This time he was being super nice, giving me weed, giving me rides to place and all this shit. I thought he actually wanted to be friends this time, and then it came. He started trying to randomly sext me and I just texted back with "You know I'm never having sex with you again right?"

Haven't heard from him since.

And another guy Matt and his fucking brother omg. WHO DOES THIS? I'm getting mad just thinking about it. Matt and I work together which is already a strike against him. But I thought he was cool and gave him my number so we could hang out. Everything was fine he was texting me and we were having small talk until randomly he just asked me:

Him: Do you ever get horny at night?
Me: Doesn't everyone?
Him: What I'm asking is are you horny right now?
Me: No not really
Him: Do you want me to make you horny
Me: *gags irl*

I don't fuck with dudes who try to sext me before they've asked me out on a date or even properly learned how to spell my name so I just ended that conversation right there. The next day he apologized and tried to blame it on the alcohol. I stopped responding to his texts and facebook messages but I would be polite to him at work. He'd always say hello to me and be really polite which is crazy because he's totally rude via text message. Then he told me that he had a girlfriend and I thought cool he has a girlfriend we can actually be friends now but once I started talking to him again they conveniently broke up so I'm starting to believe this girlfriend never actually existed. Then he started with the sexting again he randomly asked me if I wanted a picture of him and I was like "What are you talking about?" and he was all "Would you judge me if I told you a naughty picture?" And I basically laid it all out on the table with him that I'm not going to enter a casual sexual relationship with someone I work with. That's messy. So he's either going to get to know me and be respectful or we're just not going to talk. He apologized again after that and since then he's been respectful we haven't had any problems.

But then his fucking ugly as gap toothed brother that I've never met somehow got a hold of my facebook and my kik. Matt says that he gave his brother his old cellphone and it still had his old contacts in it and his brother was just messaging girls in his phone. I don't understand how that works considering he found me on Facebook and added me? I dont understand, they're weird people and that's why I don't fuck with them anymore because his brother messaged me on Facebook like

Him: Hey sexy, how are you?
Me: Do I fucking know you?
Him: I'm Matt's brother
Me: Well my name is Kinaya, it's not sexy. Don't disrespect me.
Him: I'm sorry I offended you I didn't mean to make you mad I just wanted to get to know you
Me:


Well I didn't want to get to know him so I didn't respond. Then he messaged me again on Facebook and I ignored it. Wtf get a clue nigga!



And finally Cody. Cody was a guy I was in a casual relationship with for 9 months until he got out of the military and moved back to Alabama. I haven't heard from him since January. I even messaged him on Facebook back in March and he read it but didn't respond to me. Then I'm hanging out with Aurora and he randomly started texting me like we haven't gone word free for 5 months. I texted him back because I was really stoned and feeling talkative and he goes "So are you gonna send me pics?"



I should've stopped talking to him then and there but I decided it would be more fun to fuck with him. I pretended to be super into it and I texted him back and told him I would send him pictures then I just stopped texting him back. Then the next say I was like "Oh sorry I got busy but I'll make it up to me I'll make you a video. And he was super excited and into it. I told him to wait an hour and I'll have it ready but I just stopped texting back. Then I did it again today and apparently he just keeps falling for it because it's been 3 days. I'm gonna see how long this can go on before he stops texting me back. I'm taking bets.

So last Friday Willie, Brandon and I were called to the district attorney's office to have yet another interview. They basically took us into a room one by one, interviewed us and asked us questions about that night. Then at the end of the interview they gave us a subpoena to attend court and testify against Ray in June. In the beginning I was freaked out about it because I haven't seen Ray since the night it happened but then after I saw Val for the first time I realized that it was the right thing to do.

Val is out of his coma now. He basically had to learn to walk, talk and shower all over again. His swelling has gone down a bit but he still looks pretty bad. One of his eyes is crossing because of the trauma to his eyesockets. Ray only beat him from the chest up. He was only aiming at his face and his head which leads me to believe that he was seriously trying to kill him. Val says he can't remember much of the night, he just remembers Ray telling everyone else to leave but telling him to stay. The he remembers someone else walking in, and he says he remembers being really scared and trying to get away but being pulled back. Then he says all he remembers is being really scared. According to the police when they found Val Ray had taken off all his clothes as well as his phone and his wallet and had it stashed behind the bar. He put Val in the bathtub face down with the water running and basically left him to drown in his own blood so he could dump the body. When the police came to the door Ray told them that him and Val had just got into a fight and that Val was in the bathroom cleaning himself off when in reality he was in the process of dying. After hearing that I started to feel that this was planned because Ray and I do not know each other. All he knows about me is my name and that I'm friends with Willie. Why would he tell me that I have to make sure everyone leaves? Why would he tell Val to stay? Why was he washing off the evidence? Why was he prepared to dump the body? It just doesn't make any sense to me though because last night he was telling me how him and Val are such great friends, but then again that could've all been a part of the plan too to make it seem like he wasn't a suspect.

Val said when he woke up the first thing he thought was that he was in a car accident and was asking if we were ok. That's what kind of guy Val is, he gets out of a fucking coma and is wondering how everyone else is. His mom didn't know what the hell he was talking about because she doesn't know any of us. Then he said the next thing he felt was the catheter in him so he thought he lost his penis and he was freaking out over that. But then they calmed him down and showed him that his penis is still all there. Men.

He just kept repeating himself that he was so happy everyone was ok, and was thanking Willie and Brandon for saving his life. He has short term memory loss and his brain is only operating at 95% so they don't know if they're going to let him keep his job in the military or if they're going to honorably discharge him. Willie and I were wondering if a part of the memory loss was because of all the medication they have him on. He's on morphine for the pain, xanax for anxiety and ptsd, and some other meds. He says he has to stay in a room alone because he gets anxiety when someone he doesn't know comes in so he's pretty bored stuck in a hospital room all day every day with his mom. But his mom is really great, she's a nice lady. She hugged us all and asked us why we didn't come to meet her when she came to visit him in November. We told her it was because we were dressed up for Halloween and Willie didn't want to meet her in drag. She just hugged him and told him that her family doesn't care about that kind of stuff and she often wonder why Val didn't turn out gay. You know we wondered that a couple times too...

She lost her job because she'd been gone for weeks to stay with her son. And his dad flew out too and from the stress and not eating his dad made himself sick and had to get his gallbladder removed, he's in the hospital now too. Even though he still has a lot of healing to do I can tell Val is still the same person. He was still making jokes with us and acting like himself. I just really hope he's able to heal from this and keep his job. Especially since his mom lost hers and she's taking care of his kids. She says that when he's well enough to transport she's going to take him back to Texas with her so we don't know if we'll be able to see him again after this but I do know that we're going to do everything we can to get Ray put behind bars for what he did. He's an awful person and it really bothers me that I was hanging around a person capable of doing that to another human being.

Ray was put back in jail on 1 million dollars bail after they went to court and the judge saw pictures of what he did to Val. Ray's lawyer is actually trying to claim self defense which isn't going to fly at all considering the fact that Ray doesn't have a scratch on him and Val has brain damage. And when Val got to the hospital they checked his hands for a sign of fighting and didn't find anything except defensive wounds. I feel like if that doesn't work they're going to try to claim insanity because he takes anti-psychotics and was drinking on top of that but hopefully the judge is smart enough to realize that a crazy person doesn't try to clean up the mess and dump the body. This was all planned and he needs to go to prison. He's facing 25 years but that's not enough for me considering this will effect Val for the rest of his life.

Last night I was partying with Ray, and I'm sure for those of you who have read about my encounters with Ray you're wondering what the fuck is wrong with me and I'm wondering the same thing myself actually.

Last month when Willie found out that his grandmother was sick in the hospital he basically went on a bender with weed, alcohol and pills. He ended up getting into a fight with Aurora at 8am because she wouldn't bring him weed. He went off the deep end and called her all kinds of names and called her a cunt. We talked him into going to rehab and he went for a week. After he got out he apologized and he's stopped doing the pills. He told me he wanted to hang out last night and he wanted me to bring Aurora so he could apologize in person for all the things he said and we could hang out again. But Josh was there being a little bitch because when he gave Nicole the "Leave your boyfriend or we're done" ultimatum she still didn't leave her boyfriend, Josh hasn't done shit about it and he's still following her around like a lost puppy waiting for her to leave her boyfriend and be with him. (Not going to happen)

So Willie didn't want to be at the house with Josh acting like a bitch so we decided to go downstairs and drink at Rays place because he had a full bar. It was me, Willie, Aurora, Brandon, Ray, Val and Vals friend Bueller. So the whole night Ray is being his usually disgusting self. He keeps trying to hug me. He randomly brings out fuzzy handcuffs and drops them on the bar in front of me and we're all just looking at him like.



So I try to change the subject and talk to Willie and Brandon about the Freya situation. Apparently Freya and Brandon's ex Laura got into a fight because Freya slept with Laura's brother the first night they met and then got upset when he never called her or asked her to be his girlfriend. Laura told us that Freya had slept with her brother and Freya got really pissed about it and said their friendship was over because of that and we had to stop being friends with Laura because she did. When we didn't stop being friends with Laura, Freya took offense to it and deleted us all off Facebook, said we were too much drama for her to be friends with and will occasionally come to the cafeteria to remind us that she's not our friend anymore. Can you believe this chick is 30 years old? I can't. So while we're talking Val jumps in and starts talking horribly about Freya saying that she sucked his dick (not true) that he paid her for sex and she's a prostitute and all Asian women are prostitutes. Even though I don't like Freya I'm not going to sit there while he talks about her like that so me and Willie kept trying to tell him to shut up. He wouldn't stop, I told him "Val we don't want to hear what you're saying. It's not funny, it's offensive." And he goes on this drunken rambling talking about how if I don't like what he has to say I can leave. So I'm like you aint said nothing but a word and I got my shit and left. I went back upstairs.

I wanted to stay upstairs but Willie wanted to go back downstairs because Brandon, Nicole, and Josh were there so he convinced me to go with them back and to just ignore Val. I was completely ignoring him as if he wasn't even there. Ray tries to cover for Val and tells me the story of how he almost killed his daughter's dog Ms. Wiggles because she's constantly peeing and pooping on the floor. He said he covered the dog's mouth with his hand and was suffocating her and Val pulled him off her. Ms Wiggles is the smaller than my cat. I'm just staring at Ray absolutely horrified and high key ready to leave out of that house again but everyone was downstairs so I just migrated back over to where Josh, Nicole, Willie and Val were sitting. Then Val comes up and he randomly tried to put his arm around me. I pulled his arm from around me and said don't fucking touch me unless you apologize for what you said. And he apologized like a million times and said he's drunk and doesn't know how to stop talking when he's drunk. He didn't mean to disrespect me, he'll never do it again blah blah. I told him I accept his apology and if he does it again I will stab him and Josh will have to patch him up. Josh said he's not going to patch him up because Val needs to learn not to push women to that point.

So we're chilling and we're all fine until yet another fight between Josh and Nicole breaks out because Nicole wants to drink even though she's already white girl wasted and Josh wants her to stop drinking. She goes all "you're not the boss of me you can't tell me what to do!!!" on him and they go back upstairs to fight some more. Willie follows them and Brandon follows Willie because the always feel like they have to protect Nicole from Josh even though she's constantly going back!

Anyway back to the story. It's me, Aurora, Ray, Val and Bueller. Ray randomly pulls me aside and tells me:

Ray: I've been drinking way too much. I'm getting to the point in my drinking where I'm going to tell everyone to leave or I'm going to kill everyone here.
Me: Um ok, do you have any guns?
Ray: Yeah I have guns.
Me: Where are they?
Ray: I'm not telling anyone where my guns are. I'm just telling you this because I know you're a down ass bitch and you understand me. When I tell everyone to get out you just make sure everyone gets out.
Me: Okay well I will do that.

So yeah. I'm sufficiently freaked out at this man who either wants to have sex with me or murder me in cold blood.

I waited for Willie and Brandon to get back and we were hanging out for a bit and Ray says "Everyone has to get out." I told everyone to get out. I don't fuck with crazy white men, they're dangerous.

So me, Willie, Aurora and Brandon walked to the park and Willie is crying over the fact that while Josh was arguing with Nicole Josh said that he didn't want to live with Willie anymore. After he gets done crying we walk back to Willies house and Ray and Val are in there chatting like everything is ok. I still didn't want to go back because Ray scares me and I was still salty about the sexist stuff Val said so we just went upstairs and hung out at Willies house. Me and Brandon were trying to talk to Willie and Aurora got mad that no one was paying attention to her and sat on the stairs outside by herself.

I just let her sit there because she knows I don't entertain that childish nonsense. Brandon and I talked to Willie and I tried to explain to him that he's better off moving out and not dealing with Josh anymore because he's very emotional. He has anger issues, he's co-dependent and as long as Nicole keeps coming around this fighting is going to continue and Willie is going to keep getting stuck in the middle. After we got done talking I went outside and asked Aurora if she wanted to go home. She said she did so we got her stuff and we left.

I woke up with a text message from Willie saying last night Ray attacked Val and Willie had to call the police. Ray was arrested and Val was taken out on a stretcher. Brian went to go see Val in the hospital but they wouldn't let him see him because Val has brain damage, he's in critical condition and he's on life support. I just feel so bad I feel like it's my fault for letting Val stay in there. I should've made him go back to Willies house. Val has two kids who's mom walked out on him. Val's mom is taking care of his kids and Val is supporting them all. If he dies she'll have to raise them alone. I just really hope Val pulls through and is ok.

So in my thread I asked you guys if we should tell John's fiance and John that there's a possibility that Kayte gave him chlamydia. Well we didn't have to tell them. We convinced Kayte to get tested and we convinced her to tell John. Kayte was positive, she did have chlamydia, she did give it to Chris. John got tested, her didn't have it. He told his fiance about what happened (he claimed it was the first time he ever cheated #lies) and she was clean as well. Kayte lied again. She didn't just sleep with John, she slept with another guy who claimed that he was a virgin. He wasn't, he gave her the clap and she gave it to Chris. She also lied about being on birth control. She's been off the pill for 3 months.

And that's why it's important to use condoms.

I told you guys shit was going to hit the fan and it finally did.

In my last blog I talked about how our friend Josh is OBSESSED with Willie's best friend Nicole. None of us know why because they've only known each other a few months. Well I found out why, it's because he's fucking crazy. Willie asked me to come over his house and drink with them on Friday so I was like sure but I'm going to be late because it just takes me longer to get out of bed on Fridays. So I finally showed up and I even brought alcohol. Willie always keeps his door open so I walked in and immediately as I walk through the door I just feel tension. Nicole is on one end of the couch, Willie is on the opposite end, Josh is on the other side of the living room on the floor and Brandon is in the dining room sitting in a chair and nobody is saying anything. So I'm just like "Hi everyone" and I go to the kitchen to make myself a drink because I know this is going to be a long night.

Willie has giant margarita glasses so I make a giant margarita and sit down at the table and ask everyone how their day was. Josh immediately gets up, goes into his room, slams the door and screams "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" and starts punching walls and throwing a tantrum.

Ok dude, I won't ask you that again then.

Nicole comes over to the table to me and she talks about how her spring break is coming up and she wants to go to Vegas and how she wants us to come with her. The issue is that her spring break is the week after our spring break so we'd have to take off work. We're trying to discuss logistics while Josh is in his room acting a fucking fool. Finally Josh come out of his room and he brings his portable speaker and it's blasting death metal. He sits it on top of the book case right where we're talking then slams some stuff in the sink. Then he leaves and goes back in his room to freak out some more.

At this point I'm just like



Finally Nicole gets up and goes into Josh's room to talk to him. I ask Willie what the fuck is going on here why is he losing his damn mind? Willie tells me that when Nicole came over of course Josh pulled her away to go talk to him. He basically told her that he can't wait for her anymore and she's either going to break up with her boyfriend and be with him, or he's going to do his own thing. Nicole tells him to do his own thing because she has no intentions of leaving her boyfriend. And that's when Josh went crazy and started slamming things and breaking things because he loves her more than she loves him.

They've only known each other for like 4 months....fucking military dudes, I can't.

So Nicole leaves and walks out the door but she's drunk so we tell her she can't drive. She should just walk around or something to sober up. While she's gone Josh comes out and he's clearly been crying and he's just like "Where's Nicole? She has my phone! I can't find my phone!" I try to tell him to chill out she hasn't left she's just walking around somewhere and she probably doesn't even have his phone maybe he left it somewhere. He's all "no she has my phone she was trying to go through my text messages earlier she stole my phone!" So I have Willie call her, she doesn't answer. Josh runs outside and just starts screaming like a lunatic. I'm just at the table like



I guess Josh finds her and they go back into the room to talk some more. I ask Willie if Josh has any guns, I'm not trying to be around crazy people with guns. But Willie says he doesn't have any. Eventually Nicole and Josh just start screaming at each other and he calls her a cunt. Brandon tells Willie that he has to step in and do something because they shouldn't just be in there screaming at each other. Willie walks in and Josh is all "You can't be in here get out!"

Willie: I'm not going to leave, that's my friend and I'm not going to let you talk to her like that.
Nicole: YEAH YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!
Willie: And you need to leave, Nicole.
Nicole: I'm going to leave soon just give me 15 minutes.

And Willie left out the room and that seemed to calm things down.

Willie: Oh my god I thought he was going to punch me.
Brandon: What would you have done if he punched you?
Willie: Fall down. Cry.
Brandon: I would've backed you up don't worry
Me: I'm not going to fight Josh for you but I'll gladly call 911.

Since things finally quieted down with them we commenced the party that I originally came for. We're in Willie's room watching Vine videos and finally Josh's dog feels safe enough to come out. The whole time Josh was freaking out the dog wouldn't come from under the table. He tries to jump on Willie's bed and in the process hits the bottom of my giant margarita. All of the drink flies up and basically baptizes me from my head to my lap. What a waste of alcohol Willie gave me a towel and some of his clothes. I was still mad about my drink though.

Aurora showed up late as usual and I had to explain all the mess that she missed to her. Finally Nicole comes out and she says that they fell asleep together. (how cute after he just yelled at you and called you a cunt, that's really romantic) She says she has police academy tomorrow and she goes home. Now it's my turn to be in trouble.

Brandon is drunk enough to get bold with me and starts complaining to me that him and Laura are fighting (again) and that she calls Kim PeriodGirl now so obviously she learned the term from me and Aurora.

Brandon: Why is she calling Kim periodgirl now she obviously learned it from you guys
Me: She did, but before that she called her subway girl but period girl just works better.
Brandon: She wouldn't be calling her anything if you wouldn't talk about Kim around her!
Me: She wouldn't be calling her anything of you hadn't fucked Kim behind her back, Brandon. Nobody told Laura about Kim except for you and Kim. You told her what happened and Kim made it obvious it was her by hanging around you all the time and giving Laura stink eye whenever she walks by. Hopefully you've learned by now not to shit where you eat.

Ok maybe that was harsh....but he should know by now not to fuck with me when I'm drunk. So he turns his ire to Aurora and gets mad at her. I don't want to hear it so I go back inside the apartment. Josh finally comes out, he's still been crying. I ask him to play a board game with me and he does for a bit but his hands hurt from punching inanimate objects so he just goes to bed. Aurora is ready to leave so I leave with her. On our way out we see Val on the balcony with his room mates and some random ratchet he picked up at the bar.

Val: You guys are leaving?! We were just about to come over!
Aurora: I have work in the morning so I've gotta go.
Val: Come on come back for a bit!
Me: Aurora do you want to go back?
Aurora: Nope.
Me: BYE VALERIE, MAYBE ANOTHER TIME SIS.


The whole way to her car Aurora is complaining that Brandon is mad at her. I keep trying to tell her that Brandon is drunk and mad at himself he's just trying to take it out on us and he'll be over it tomorrow. Aurora won't take it for an answer "I just hate people being mad at me when I've done nothing wrong!"

Me: Seriously Aurora, you don't have to give a fuck about his feelings, he doesn't give a fuck about yours and he'll get over it.
Aurora: I'm not like you! I just can't not give a fuck about anything! It upsets me when people are mad at me for no reason!

She is dead sober and she's freaking out like this. Calm down, bitch. You haven't even known Brandon that long. I've known him for 3 years I know how he operates.

Me: Aurora, I know Brandon, you don't. He'll be over it by tomorrow.

And look who we see walking uphill as we drive downhill. We see Brandon! Aurora pulls over and asks him if he wants a ride home. He says no he just wants to walk home and listen to music. She keeps trying to convince him and he keeps telling her no so she gets mad again and drives off. She freaks out some more that he's mad at her and I just give up on trying to talk her down because she's not listening and I really just don't care anymore, she can stay mad.

And of course the next day he was over it. Because I'm always right and my friends are entirely too emotional.

So as you guys know I threw a party over the weekend for Willie and Brandon. And you guys also already know that you can't just have a good time when it comes to my friends. Some shit always has to go down.

Only 5 people knew about the surprise party: me, Aurora, Nicole, Josh and Laura. Laura is Brandon's girlfriend and Brandon just happened to find out about the surprise party because fucking Laura can't keep a secret. Laura has a child so I told her about the party earlier so she could secure babysitting, I don't know how it happened but I know she was the one. But Brandon was nice enough to keep it from Willie so he didn't know about it. The plan was to take Willie and Brandon to Rookies to watch the MMA fight and buy them drinks. Then we would go back and Nicole and Josh would have the party ready. Josh had us hide all the liquor away in the garage and away we went.

Val and Danny were there and they were being your typical drunk marines. Our waitress sucked, we barely saw her throughout the night. She claimed she was too busy and yet we caught her multiple times sitting and flirting with the single male customers then trying to come back to us with sob stories about how she's sooo busy. Whatever bitch. Everything was fine until someone decided to buy Brandon two beers, two shots of Fireball, and an Adios Motherfucker in one sitting. He just about passed out at the table. The waitress kept telling him he couldn't sleep at the table so we had to leave early. Laura and Aurora had left to get a bottle she left at her house so I offered to stay behind and wait for them to get back and close their tabs. So I didn't get to see Willie's face when they surprised him, but Willie says that he was surprised and Brandon was incoherent.

Not even halfway though the party Val is trying to get someone to go home with him and NOBODY has time for it. I was laying on the couch talking to Aurora and Val walks up like:

Val: Well I'm tired and I'm about to head home, who's interested in coming with me
Me: Nobody
Aurora: Yeah I'm fine right here
Val: Come on, I've seen the way you look at me I'm giving you the opportunity right now to go home with a Latin Lover
Me:
Val: Don't you wave your fingers at me! You guys are hurting my feelings.
Aurora: I'm sorry.....?
Me:

He claimed he was going home but ended up staying for another 3 hours. What a dipshit.
Everything after that was great except for the fact that Josh is obsessed with Nicole. Nicole has a boyfriend that she has no intentions of leaving but she cheats on her boyfriend with Josh. Josh follows her around like a shadow and stays by her side like a lost puppy. They spent the entire party in the hallway talking to each other. This bothered me for a couple reasons. 1. They were in the way so no one could get to the bathroom 2. THEY HAD HOURS TO TALK. They did the shopping together, they did the decorating, they had the entire time we were at Rookies to talk. Now it's party time, get it the fuck together. But every time Nicole tried to join the party Josh would pull her away and try to get her alone somewhere. I can tell it was bugging Willie, and it was bugging Aurora too because she's crushing on Josh. Finally when they leave and go into a room together Willie just loses it. He barges into Josh's room and yells at them that every time he tries to hang out with him all they do is stand next to each other and talk to each other. There was also some incoherent drunken rambling then he ran out of Josh's room, slammed the door, and ran into his room, and slammed the door.

He's such a diva, I can't even sometimes.

Nicole tries to comfort Willie and get him out of bed but he won't get out so she just gives up and leaves with Josh. Apparently Nicole and Willie have been friends for 10 years but I don't see it. I can't get him out of bed either. So I had to call for backup and grab drunk ass Brandon, Laura, and Aurora to help me get him out of bed. We did and we continued to party without Nicole and Josh, we don't need that kind of negativity in our lives.