mental health dreams caution trigger warning depression bulimia self harm
Warning: I'm ranting and venting at the same time. Contains mental health issues. Proceed with caution! (Also, trigger warning!)
All because I don't want to go to a movie with my mom (I'm 20. I'd rather go with friends). She couldn't understand why I didn't want to go to a movie with her. She talks during them (though she constantly insists she doesn't), and I'm 20. I don't want to go places with my mom right now. I'd rather go places with my friends. Of course, "other kids" go with their mom's to the movies and no one would see us. I'm always compared to other kids. That's a horrible thing to tell your kid. It's like telling your child that you'd rather have that kid instead of the one you have. You'd rather have your kid act like someone else rather than who they actually are. (I know that's not what parents mean when they say things like "other kids do x", but that's how it feels to hear it).
I'm 20. I'm a young adult and am trying to branch off from my family and find my place in the real world. I'm trying to be independent and build relationships with people my age who I may work with in the future. I don't want to hang out with my parents right now, I'm not the 5 year old anymore who thought her parents were the most amazing people in the world.
Of course this then leads to her yelling about how I never think about anyone else but myself. Excuse me, but I was going to get you Finding Dory for the holidays because I knew you wanted to see it and didn't get to when it was in the theatres. Sure, I said so us and my grandma could watch it, but that was an afterthought. It was just supposed to be a gift for you. Well, since I don't think about anyone but myself, guess I'll just use the money that movie would have cost me to get something for myself then. I could always do with more Kylo Ren stuff.
Which then leads her into a tirade over my study habits, game playing and TV watching. I know I have issues studying. I haven't figured out how to fix them yet. I get distracted very easily (which may be ADD, it was suggested by a Psychiatrist that I may have the diseases). I have an app that lets me plant a tree while I study and if I leave the tree planting app to do something else the tree dies. And that helps a little. I have the same app for chrome as well. The issue is, I just can't bring myself to study. I know I need to, and I want to, but I can't find the motivation to turn off the TV/my computer and open my notes. This is also due to the fact that my depression medication is too low right now. I can barely study for O Chem because all I feel when I try is failure. I made notecards for the definitions, but couldn't go any farther with studying them because my depression stopped me. It took me ages to bring myself to actually get myself out of bed to go to lecture after my alarm went off. I have an aversion now towards going to class. I know I have to, I know I'm paying for it, but it's so incredibly difficult to drag my body out of bed every morning nowadays to go. I won't see my doctor until break, which is after finals, so I have no way of getting my depression medication dosage raised.
It doesn't help that while yelling about my study habits that she was also yelling about how she used to think I was bright. Thanks for calling me stupid, mom. Then she starts yelling about how I'll never achieve my dreams at all. I know I won't get into med school now. So many people try, and I know that failing Organic Chemistry 1 will basically throw me right out of the race in any medical school I apply to. Which is why when I transfer to our main campus next year, I'll be talking to my advisor about adding a nursing double major (if it's even possible in my junior year), because that's my backup plan. Pediatric Emergency Room Nurse (possibly Trauma, we'll see). Sure, it'll take me some extra years, but it'll be worth it since my main dream will be gone.
Didn't help that yesterday she was telling me I wasn't creative enough to write my own music (I have tried, it's in a old notebook of mine, I just can't get it to rhyme right). I'm so creative I have many unfinished stories that I stopped writing because another idea hit me. I want to continue them, but as soon as I try, another idea hits me and I have to write about that instead.
She won't even come to my choir concert because she doesn't like driving in the dark. I know I don't have a solo, but you came last year and you've come to every performance I've ever had. Hearing that you won't come because you don't like driving in the dark and you feel like it's a waste of time if I don't have a solo is horrible. It's like saying all the hard work I put into this concert with the choir doesn't mean anything. Now I have no one to perform for that will be there just to see me and hear the work I've done, even if I'm signing with 23 other students.
My self esteem is not in a good place right now. My mental health is failing, and my body image isn't good either. Recently, I did start eating a ton of dessert at meals (like two scoops of ice cream plus a slice of cake, a cookie, and some pie if it was there) and then returning to my dorm and vomiting, and if I had time, exercising. It went on for a couple of weeks before I was able to stop it. Now though, I can feel the urge being to hit me again. I had a habit of using my razor to cut my arms over the last summer, and I can feel that urge returning as well.
Can someone invent full VR like they have/had in Sword Art Online so I can just go and live out my fangirl life dreams from a hospital bed for the rest of my life please?