Tonight we dine in Hell

For some sick and twisted reason, my friends LOVE to take me to restaurants. I know, sounds awesome right? That experience isn't always as fun when you're culinary trained. I know when meat is bad or just about to go bad, no amount of breading/deep-frying and seasoning can cover up that texture. Yet, most people are painfully oblivious to that fact (which is kinda a good thing, cause a lot of times the meat served is often kept too long, most common seen in Chinese food places). I know when someone is using powdered garlic and onion instead of the real thing etc. I can literately break down a dishes ingredients and its freshness within two mouth fulls. The killer for me is FROZEN food, being sold as "fresh"....ARRRRGG!!! So, this is why I typically dread going out to eat. I hate to complain, but if something is bullshit - I'm gonna call it out as bullshit, especially if you're paying good money for it.

I went to an "real Italian restaurant" with some friends. Apparently it was all the craze and they wanted me to give it a try with them as first time customers. I looked around the place, glanced to the tables and Italian spice blend in a jar along with salt & rice shakers, my spider senses started to tingle. I looked over the menu, it was a bit long and I picked something basic. Fresh pasta takes 1-3 minutes to cook, box pasta take 8-15 minutes. A dish shouldn't take more than 15 minutes tops, tack on a few extra minutes if the restaurant is busy and if you're with several friends. Everything in the restaurant is prepped already to make service faster and smoother. So the tomato base would have been made fresh that day (everyday), everything is weighed into portion sizes like fresh pasta, meats, seafood and set that side for cooking/assembly later.

I looked around me and eyeing the plates going by. Yep its definitely box pasta. Mentally I'm pulling my hair out as I wait 45 min for a pasta dish (that shouldn't take that long to make) and took the first bite. Nope. The pasta had been cooked in large batches, set aside and re-submerged in hot water for 1-2 min to heat it back up. Kinda crazy I could tell all of this just by tasting it and they had the nerve to charge $17 for a classic tomato spaghetti. I looked to my friends, who had dishes ranging from $22-$28 dollars and I gave them the honest goods. I said, "Hey, if you like it, no issue. I'm not going to have someone pass this off as fresh pasta. I can happily wait until your done to voice my opinions on my meal." But, they urged me to call the waitress over and say something about all our food.

I called over the waitress and I quietly explained we'd hope for a more pleasurable experience, but the pasta was not fresh, the chicken was rubbery/previously frozen, the shrimps tasted frozen and dried herbs was giving the pasta a bitter taste, as they'd gone stale. You should have seen the girls face, she was speechless. Then she collected the plates without a word or apology and scrambled back into the kitchen. It took her 10 minutes to come back out with the manager who wanted to me re-explain the situation. He said, there was no way this was the issue that everything was "fresh". I politely replied, "Life if funny sometimes. It just so happens that I'm a classically trained Chef, I specialized in Italian and French cuisine. Boxed pasta is made from semolina flour and water, mixed into a paste and pushed through molds before being dried for several days until all moisturize is gone. Because its so dense, you use it for soups and casseroles since its firm structure can hold up in other ingredients. Fresh pasta is lighter, made with high-gluten flour and eggs. This you eat with delicate/simple sauces. What you served me was absolutely not fresh pasta". The floor manager looked at me for a second, red faced with embarrassment and told me he never claimed the pasta was fresh. I started to laugh at his back tracking. "You just said everything was fresh and don't get me started on the previously frozen meat and seafood. You attempted to lie to your customers, instead of being honest. We're done here, we have zero interest in ordering anything else from you at this time."

His tried to threatened us, saying if we left without paying for the meal we barely touched and sent back. He'd call the cops. I told him, please do so. I'll wait and can explain the situation of false advertisement and lying to customers. You try to pass yourselves off as a fine-dining restaurant making fresh and traditional Italian dishes. Zero of that is true. We did not enjoy our meals, we're not paying half, we're not paying anything. He thought about it and said whatever and left. I remained calm the entire time and spoke in my usual gentle voice so I would not interrupt other patrons. We got up and left. Later we went to this little Mexican food place, nothing fancy about it and enjoyed some delicious fish tacos. I really love little hole-in-the-wall places, they usually have the best food.

I sometimes think my friends do this on purpose, cause it brings them amusement. I actually rarely mention my culinary background myself, I feel like such a damn hipster if I do. But, my friends typically pipe in with a, "Dude, she's a Chef. She knows what she's talking about."

One time I over heard the Chef tell the server if I can do better, let me try. So naturally, I did just that. It was pretty fun. I also had one Chef tell me that female Chef's are not better than male Chef's, that is why they're more male Chef's out there. I responded, "Because female Chefs apply to the quality over quantity rule."
#shotsfired