142 replies to this topic

[Boggart]

yeah I don't think you HAVE to press charges if you don't want to. Although the stigma will follow you of how you made such a big deal out of it, and then not press charges/go through with it

This guy's future, as you realize, is at stake here If you really dont' hate him, then don't press charges. Unless it's out of your hand because the school staff or something have to deal with it. Not sure how the system works.

[Ali]

If you don't want to go to court, it's going to be a case based solely on hearsay evidence from one person. Chances are that won't ruin his life.

[Dayzee]

Drugs and Sex?

Well, actually I don't know if its better or worse but he could plead to being under the influence of alcohol/drugs. Might lessen his sentence, or might make it worse. Anyone with a clear understanding of how the damn justice system works to clarify?

Personally, I am not an expert, but my hubby is. He's a criminal lawyer. He's JAG (military law) which is different than civilian law, but with a few more details I can probably give you a very real picture about how this might all play out. You can post more info here, or pm me if you'd like.

[Charity]

Wow that sounds terrible!

I feel bad for the guy. Shit happens though.

The worst I've done was get a coworker fired.

[Dayzee]

Because I don't know the state you reside in, I can't give you any hard and fast advice from a legal standpoint. (But please do inform me and I'll see what I can help you with!) Because you are a minor (and this is a sex related incident), you very well may not have to appear in court at the hearing. You also may not be able to withdraw the charges as your parents are the legal custodians at that point. (Depending on your state, the school may even be the sole authority in the pressing of charges based upon the evidence you supplied to them.)

I really need to know your area of jurisdiction to make any further advice for you... (I.e. will he be charged with sexually assaulting a minor or will it be tried as both are adults?) If you absolutely do not want him to get in any trouble, you should be able to withdraw the charges that have been filed. (or your parents can... presuming the school isn't acting as your guardian as you were under their supervision at the time.) However, what message is being sent if he does walk away without any sort of punishment? I do fully understand your level of empathy towards him and his future... but I also don't think that withdrawing the charges filed is appropriate. (You also may be charged with a criminal offense of falsifying a police report/interfering with a criminal investigation)

Are you pre-law or something?

[Adina]

I need to clear up a few details, since some of you assholes are too quick to judge. Everyone at school knows that I told when I was in a panicked state, not that I'm a tattle-tale. I don't give a shit if people know I told because everyone is pretty much happy to know he won't be attending our school anymore because of what he did. We were at an exit that's at the side of the school where I'd expect people to come by since I was waiting for a lighter, but no one went by until 5 minutes later and that's when the whole ordeal ended. Just because it stopped when it did, doesn't mean that it's not considered assault. I hadn't given him any signals, and I never came on to him. He asked me for a hug, and that's how it started. I don't have to be hurt for it to be completely unwanted touching. Some guy was poking me around a little bit? He was holding my hips and thrusting me like I was a blow up doll. I'm sorry, but I don't see that as poking. He never hurt me, but who knows who he'll do this to? Maybe that person won't even be able to say no. Not everyone has supportive family members to tell their problems to, and I did tell my close friends.

This happened on MONDAY. Not today. On Monday, I told the teacher almost an hour after it happened. It was a teacher I felt comfortable talking to because he knew both of us since we were in the same class. He told the Vice on Tuesday, but he had a meeting so he called me into his office today. I NEVER ASKED FOR THE AUTHORITIES TO BE CALLED IN. I never wanted him in trouble. I wasn't traumatized, I was shocked and hurt because I trusted him. He totally walked all over me, when he fully knew I am with someone right now. I was upset because I knew I'd have to somehow tell my boyfriend about this, and I knew there would be a fight, and things just weren't going right until I finally broke down and told. So what? I would rather tell, as opposed to seeing him on the news 2 years from now for raping someone.

I said no, quite a few times. He asked why and I told him why. Is me trying to take his hands off me not obvious enough? I'm sorry I don't know how to make it clear enough. I guess it's obvious I didn't want to be too aggressive. I was confused as fuck, and it was a deer in headlights type of moment. I don't believe he was high at the time, or influenced by any sort of drugs/alcohol. & I also don't see the big deal about posting here when 99.9% of you don't know me as a person. You just know me as the girl with the gas mask avatar. I can get a variety of opinions on here, as opposed to advice from all my 16/17 year old friends from school who all want to kick his ass. I'm the one who's trying to convince people to leave him alone, to make them stop asking me to press charges, and yet people are saying I'm out to get him, and I shouldn't be bitching if I didn't want him in trouble. I didn't know things would escalate this way. I really didn't. Otherwise I wouldn't have opened my mouth to a teacher; simple as that. I never made a big deal out of it. I'm sorry the school called the cops, and I'm sorry they're the ones who created a huge scene and completely embarrassed me and the boy in front of the whole school. I don't believe I have the option to press charges. They were already mentioning something about court, but my thoughts were spiraling out of control. I never asked to be fucking flamed for you guys when I just came here expecting some peace and comfort, and an escape from all those annoying kids at school who won't stop messaging me on facebook asking what happened and why. I've heard over 5 times today, "Oh, poor Nigel." Poor Nigel my ass. I guess it's times like these you realize who really gives a shit.

I appreciate those of you that didn't actually jump to conclusions and call me a slut when you didn't even know the full story. You still really don't and you're in no place to judge, so shut the fuck up. I never asked for your judgment. I live in Toronto, and I have no clue of any of our laws really. I'm not sure of what to do but clearly I didn't have to option of calling the cops. It seems to be mandatory.


I looked at every single comment when making this post. Hope this answers all your fucking questions and concerns.

EDIT: Just because I don't answer right away, doesn't mean I won't because I'm intimidated by you guys or that I have nothing to say.

Edited by Adina, 12 January 2011 - 08:38 PM.

[jcrdude]

If you need someone to talk to or even would like to discuss this matter privately, feel free to PM me or even add me on AIM/MSN (I'll pm you the contact info if you'd like).

This x2

Sometimes it's hard to get to the bottom of something in a group setting, but a group is a good tool for getting a general consensus.

If you need additional help, input, or even just a sounding board, there are people who are more than willing to do what they can.

[Adina]

I appreciate that. I definitely want to lessen the charges, simply because I do care about him whether or not he was a jerk towards me. To be honest, I don't even know what the charges are. -_- They didn't tell me much.

Edited by Adina, 12 January 2011 - 08:35 PM.

[jcrdude]

I said no, quite a few times. He asked why and I told him why. Is me trying to take his hands off me not obvious enough? I'm sorry I don't know how to make it clear enough. I guess it's obvious I didn't want to be too aggressive. I was confused as fuck, and it was a deer in headlights type of moment.

This is kind of what I expected, but I just wanted to verify. As has been said, it's important to know all the facts before jumping to conclusions.

I appreciate those of you that didn't actually jump to conclusions and call me a slut when you didn't even know the full story. You still really don't and you're in no place to judge, so shut the fuck up. I never asked for your judgment. I live in Toronto, and I have no clue of any of our laws really. I'm not sure of what to do but clearly I didn't have to option of calling the cops. It seems to be mandatory.

I looked at every single comment when making this post. Hope this answers all your fucking questions and concerns.

Responding (at least in part) to all the comments raised was a big help to those that have a desire to help.

Even if the non-constructive posts felt harsh, they helped draw out information.

As I said before, I'm with Cody on this one... I don't have all the answers, but I'm willing to help in any capacity I can.

[Dayzee]

If you're in Toronto then I'm not sure how much I can help. But hubby read your thread and here's how it would be handled in the states: He will probably be charged with assault and battery - the bite is aggravated assault. His attorney will probably try to make a deal so it never goes to court, and he would probably be ordered mandatory counseling. If you want to press charges then you will have to testify in court. Otherwise, you can notify the authorities that you don't want to testify or cooperate further and they will probably just drop the case, unless sufficient evidence has already been gathered that is supporting enough for them to pursue legal action anyway, ie, photos of the bite marks, his DNA and/or saliva on your skin and clothes. In the US there would not be any legal repercussions for your decision not to testify and not to cooperate further. Do not change your story about what happened, just say you do not want to be involved any longer.

BTW - this happens about 80-90 percent of the time - a woman reports abuse then recants or refuses to testify b/c feelings of guilt, embarrassment, details getting out, etc. When sexual assault or rape cases actually do go to court, it's not uncommon to find out that it's not the first incident, just the first time there's been enough evidence to pursue legal action.

I'm sorry for all the crap you're getting here on the boards. Saying "no" even once should be enough, and you certainly didn't owe him an explanation as to why. I also believe, and my husband concurs, that you did the right thing. We know from experience that guys like this are trouble, and incidents like this one often progress over time. My bet is you only feel guilty b/c you knew him. If any other creep did that to you I'm sure you would feel good reporting him - and would be hoping he got what was coming to him. The fact that you feel badly shows that you're a kind person - empathetic. I don't think it needs to be seen as an indication that you did anything wrong. Personally, I would encourage you not to back down. He's not in trouble because you told, he's in trouble because he broke the law.

Again, you can pm me if you'd like to discuss it more off the boards...

[Adina]

I'm sorry for all the crap you're getting here on the boards. Saying "no" even once should be enough, and you certainly didn't owe him an explanation as to why. I also believe, and my husband concurs, that you did the right thing. We know from experience that guys like this are trouble, and incidents like this one often progress over time. My bet is you only feel guilty b/c you knew him. If any other creep did that to you I'm sure you would feel good reporting him - and would be hoping he got what was coming to him. The fact that you feel badly shows that you're a kind person - empathetic. I don't think it needs to be seen as an indication that you did anything wrong. Personally, I would encourage you not to back down. He's not in trouble because you told, he's in trouble because he broke the law.

Again, you can pm me if you'd like to discuss it more off the boards...

It is true that it is because I knew him. I wouldn't feel much for some random person who I didn't know, but this guy was a good friend for a few months. Also, if I want to drop the charges, or don't want to be involved further, wouldn't they still bug me about it considering I'm 16? As in.. wouldn't they just assume that I was lying in the first place? She read me this agreement or something saying that if I'm lying, I could be charged, and that if someone is making me say all this I should just confess now and get everything over with. I don't want it to seem like I'm chickening out of a lie, when I simply just don't want to deal with it anymore. All they did was just interview me for like 40 minutes asking exactly what happened and making me describe everything in so much detail when I couldn't even think. It was terrible. I want to know what he's doing right now. I passed by him in the halls today, and we made eye contact. My heart literally sank for him cause he was just called to the office to talk to the cops.. He looked like he had watched someone die just then.

How do you know so much about law?

[Dayzee]

I appreciate that. I definitely want to lessen the charges, simply because I do care about him whether or not he was a jerk towards me. To be honest, I don't even know what the charges are. -_- They didn't tell me much.

This is not being a jerk. Stepping on your foot and not apologizing is being a jerk. Not offering to help pay the tab is being a jerk. Forcing himself on you, biting you, groping you upon repeated "no's" is reprehensible, illegal, and possibly a precursor to future similar behavior. This is MUCH more than jerk behavior. This is criminal behavior.

All this and to top it off, he's engaged. At least she gets to find out in advance what he's REALLY like. I think you did the right thing. I hope you stick to your guns, too.

How do you know so much about law?

Read previous post - my husband is a lawyer.

[Dayzee]

It is true that it is because I knew him. I wouldn't feel much for some random person who I didn't know, but this guy was a good friend for a few months. Also, if I want to drop the charges, or don't want to be involved further, wouldn't they still bug me about it considering I'm 16? As in.. wouldn't they just assume that I was lying in the first place? She read me this agreement or something saying that if I'm lying, I could be charged, and that if someone is making me say all this I should just confess now and get everything over with. I don't want it to seem like I'm chickening out of a lie, when I simply just don't want to deal with it anymore. All they did was just interview me for like 40 minutes asking exactly what happened and making me describe everything in so much detail when I couldn't even think. It was terrible. I want to know what he's doing right now. I passed by him in the halls today, and we made eye contact. My heart literally sank for him cause he was just called to the office to talk to the cops.. He looked like he had watched someone die just then.

How do you know so much about law?

If you decide you don't want this to go further, then DO NOT CHANGE YOUR STORY. Simply say you do not want to testify or cooperate. This happens all the time. They may try and convince you, pressure you, but there shouldn't be any legal repercussions as long as you didn't lie or make accusations under coercion. Just really think about it before you withdraw. This happened to my friend - she withdrew after making a domestic violence charge. She didn't want her husband to lose his job or have a permanent blemish on his record. So she withdrew her accusation and said she no longer wished to cooperate. Two weeks later he beat the sh*t out of her.

Edited by dayzee100, 12 January 2011 - 09:05 PM.

[Dichromate]

Also, if I want to drop the charges, or don't want to be involved further, wouldn't they still bug me about it considering I'm 16? As in.. wouldn't they just assume that I was lying in the first place? She read me this agreement or something saying that if I'm lying, I could be charged, and that if someone is making me say all this I should just confess now and get everything over with. I don't want it to seem like I'm chickening out of a lie, when I simply just don't want to deal with it anymore.

The next time the authorities come looking for you/asking you questions, you could try explaining all these to them honestly. Tell them how you feel about it and discuss with them exactly what will happen to him if the sentence goes through. This will give you a better idea of what's going to be done to him, how it makes you feel, and if you can stop the state from pressing charges at all. At the very least it'll help you understand everything better. And I'm sure they'll understand where you're coming from if you act matured enough to make them believe it's not just some lie/4dlulz thing.

[Ziz]

You did the right thing. Your empathy is admirable, but if you really want the best of him, let him get punished.
If you recant the history he can do something worse later, and you can get in problems for "giving false testimony" or something else.
I apologize I can't be more helpful.

[Bryan]

All I can say. Welcome to the internet, where the only thing we can go off is what you type in the little posting box. If you want accurate advice, post accurate details and then you'll get an accurate response. It's pretty simple with guys, if you say no, then it's no. If they continue past it, something's wrong with their cognitive thought process.

I'm not as nice as everyone else on the boards and I'm tired of senseless drivel. Don't think I'm passing judgment because I'm a dick. I'm a dick because it's a lot easier to be a dick than to post something like Cody when we're pretty much wanting the same thing (a more accurate recount of the story). I'm sorry, but when all you give us is

I got someone arrested...
I was sexually assaulted...
I don't want him to be in trouble...

You're going to get a bunch of dickish answers because you can't draw a single answer from what has been given. If your post would've contained the information your last post did, I can guarantee you the responses to this topic would be a lot different (Nunc would probably be the same).

Listen, I'm the most respectful guy in the world when it comes to women. I'm not going to ever want to intrude into an area where there's even a chance she'll say no. But when you're on the internet and you read about this shit all the fucking time, you're going to question the validity of things if the whole story isn't there. Especially coming from a girl who gets 'durnk' on occasion.

[Dayzee]

(Nunc would probably be the same).

Haha. Love it !

[Homer]

After reading this entire thread, I feel like reading or watching something really funny and hilarious.

[Dayzee]

After reading this entire thread, I feel like reading or watching something really funny and hilarious.

Movie at Homer's?

[Sage]

Iron Man, anyone? Popcorn's on me.

[Dayzee]

Iron Man, anyone? Popcorn's on me.

I thought he said something hilarious.

[Sage]

I thought he said something hilarious.

Made me laugh a bunch of times... I dunno, YMMV.

[Dayzee]

Made me laugh a bunch of times... I dunno, YMMV.

Yeah, I laughed too. But I wouldn't exactly call it a comedy.

[Sage]

Yeah, I laughed too. But I wouldn't exactly call it a comedy.

But nobody asked for a comedy. Just something really funny and hilarious.

[Nubge]

Whoa, I got confused a lot x.x